Does anyone else have an issue similar to this to offer advice?

Hubby and I have been married for 15 months. We have a 2 yr old son and another due in March. This is my fist marriage. Hubby was separated 6 years ago (living separately; SS was 18 living with dad and SD was 13 living with BM) and divorced in early 2007. After being together for 6 months, he decided to allow me to take over the monthly bill payments. I was SHOCKED to find him not only paying his ex-wife for child support and alimony, but also their $300 per month cell phone bills, his ex-wife's car payments, repairs on her car, etc. in addition to sending his son thru college and also purchasing a vehicle for him. When the assets were divided at the time of their separation, he left a 3 bedroom home with a television and an old set of leather couches. That's it. She took it all, and more. She moved to a 2-story townhome while he held a small apartment. They separated and divorced due to both of them having extra-marital affairs. She was first to stray as evidenced by the letters she wrote to H.

I have never had any issues with SS. He is out of college, has a place of his own, and seems to "have it together". We talk when he visits but not outside of his visits with his father. But the conversation is cordial and no ill-feelings ever developed.

The first time I met SD was awkward. She was 17. I greeted her with a "hi" and got no response. She wouldn't even look at me so we kept the meeting very short. The second time I saw her was for dinner at a restaurant where SS joined us. She seemed more comfortable with SS there but again she was cold. Even as I tried to initiate conversation with her, she was short with her replies. DH has been present everytime that we've meeted. Things went this way for quite some time until she finally seemed to be warming up around Christmastime the following year, but it was short-lived. Then after Christmas, she became short and distant yet again. Still, when we are in the same room, she will refer to me as "she" or "her".

Upon turning 18 and graduating high school, she enrolled in junior college and received a car for transportation, both of which my husband paid for as a stipulation of the divorce agreement. It wasn't cheap. She dropped out a year later and decided that beauty school was her calling. Again DH paid for this as well and again, it was costly. To my urging, he had his ex sign an agreement that she would do this, but no more changes to her career path. She signed with much resistance. In April she visited us for Easter and complained that she can't deal with clients and has a hard time with the people that she has to work with. She was fired from her job and had her BM contact the salon owner to curse her out for letting her daughter go. How does this happen when a person is 20 years old?? She then eluded to wanting to go back to school for business classes to open her own salon because she keeps getting 'pushed out' of her jobs when she pisses off those that she works with. She has had (literally) too many jobs to count in the 3 years that I've known her. At last count she was at 18 different jobs, but I stopped keeping track. She has since graduated from beauty school but still hasn't worked since losing that job in April, but has managed to fit in 2 vacations this summer - 1 out of state and 1 out of the country. I'm assuming that since she still lives with BM that she is also being financially supported by her.

All of this is, of course, her problem to deal with and I don't get involved when it doesn't affect me or my son anymore. I believe that being that they are HIS kids, he needs to set the limits and boundaries of how his kids behave. The bills will be paid and that will be it. However what DOES irritate me is the complete disrespect that she shows my husband. She has said in her own words (at a party that her father had for her HS graduation with about 50-60 friends and family present) that she wanted to get a new tatoo and "just wants him to pay for it". I think my jaw dropped to the ground. What upset me further is that her BM (who showed up uninvited) and Dad both heard what was said and had no reply for her. How could parents hear this level of disrespect and do/say nothing to correct her? Other family members made comments to her, but neither of her parents said a word. Aren't parents supposed to raise adults with respect and gratitude? Her sense of entitlement makes me ill. But this has been the pattern of behavior of her and her BM since the beginning of time. They walk on him and disrespect him, but still want him to provide financially. I wouldn't have any problem with him helping her out with necessities, but her idea of necessities is vacation money and tattoos. Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes. But the disrespect that they show doesn't entitle her to anything in my opinion. And she MUST realize that there is a 2 year old and another on the way that still need to be supported thru 18 years of childhood.

The current problem is that she "feels uncomfortable" visiting us at our home. I've reviewed over and over again the events that have occurred while she was here at Easter and I honestly can't understand why. I've asked her father why she is uncomfortable and he can't pinpoint anything either except for the fact that after dinner I immediately clean the dishes. I do this so that she and her brother will have some alone time with their father to talk without my presence. I thought that was a good thing? After the cleanup, I join them. I don't understand that. What I think the REAL problem is that when she talks she contradicts herself. She was complaining about her brother's fiance when he wasn't present, saying that she's lazy and doesn't want to work. In the next breath, she said that she "doesn't want to work either but... well, I don't know". So she caught herself complaining about traits that she herself has and felt foolish. Her father and I made a comment about her mom calling her ex-boss that fired her and said that it was inappropriate. This was the first time I ever heard him speak up. That had to be it because nothing else happened to throw her off or make her uncomfortable. But if her own father can't say something to her about her behavior, there's something wrong with that relationship. He had never said anything about her losing so many jobs in the past. This was the first time and I think the conversation made her uneasy, but not something that I specifically did.

SD is also beginning to wedge in on our marriage. She usually manages to drop information into conversations that she knows will irritate me such as; "did mom tell you that when you talked to her?" or "we all called grandma this morning", as if they're all still very closely knit. I even almost overheard a conversation that H was having with them IN OUR LIVING ROOM. Suddenly the voices got low and all I could was her whispering "she" over and over again. What nerve! It took all I had in me to not kick her butt out. I STRONGLY believe that DH's ex sent the skids over here to dig for dirt and talk sh*t about me.

SD also cuts his hair, he has even gone to his EX-WIFE'S house so she can do it!!! DH and I have discussed his continued contact with his ex. He says that she calls him, not the other way around. However, she calls him while he is at work, never while he is at home. I asked him why they continue to talk when there are no emergencies with their "kids". Just how much co-parenting is needed for ADULT kids?? He says that when she does call they end up arguing, yet she continues to call. Their assets are divided, there's no shared custody, no alimony or child support, the divorce is finalized, and they can't control what their kids want to do for their holiday schedules. I don't see the point in them continuing contact on any regular basis. SD heard something to this effect (likely from her BM) and came to "rescue daddy". While here in late April she was discussing her dad's relationship with her mother, saying that he "shouldn't have to sneak around to talk to mom". And that's true ... because there's no reason for him to talk to mom! Mom just needs to move on with her life instead of staying stuck in a black hole. But I will admit that I have to wonder if DH isn't encouraging contact. If he made it clear to her to stop calling, she would stop calling. Am I being unreasonable??

So the short question is ... how do SM's deal with these issues? Do I continue to give them space to talk without my presence? I don't want to seem like I'm hovering or give SD the chance to complain that I'm ALWAYS around. I also don't want to have to leave my home and my 2 year old whenever she wants to see her dad. I refuse to allow a 20 year old to gain the upper hand in MY HOME.

Also, how do we break the cycle of entitlement when her own BM has the same attitude? BM was upset when the "extras" were cut off (cell phone pmts, car repairs, etc). I feel that SD has learned this attitude from her BM. Is there any way of breaking this cycle? Is there a way of getting SD to show some respect to her father, grow up, and get a job and pay her own way at the age of 20?

HELP!?! Fed up and not participating in this anymore... H and I argue about this too often and it's driven a wedge between us.