Possible graduation scenario ...
My BF's daughter is graduating from college. A couple of weeks ago we asked if she had any plans after the ceremony or if her mom had made plans with her. She said no and said she didn't think her mom would be doing anything special with her afterwards. We then said we were certainly flexible if she wanted to check with her mom first, but we'd like to plan to take her out for lunch to celebrate and she quickly accepted. She verified that this is still her plan when she sent graduation details, so she has had a chance to run it by her mother. My question: BM has a case of passive aggressiveness and I am afraid she may pull something at the last minute to create a "me or them" kind of scenario. I know it's hard to worry about a response to an unknown situation but something in my gut tells me this may occur. BM also plans to trot out her recent and current "boy"friend (quotes intentional as he is at least 20 years her junior) so who knows what is in her pea-brain - and what she may try and do to impress him. Just wondering if others have had situations where special event plans have been "challenged" at the last minute, and how did you respond?
I getcha, StepAside. But as
I getcha, StepAside. But as you say, it does let the SO down and I hate to see that happen. Agree there's not alot I can do other than refuse to be involved in any future plans for special events. That's for damn certain! You have some good advice - I guess the only way to repsond is NOT respond; we'll just go about our own business and be done with it. I just hope her BM doesn't decide to pull anything right in front of us all - that might prove hard to ignore. BTW, although I use the term BF we have been living together for almost 8 years so it's not exactly a new relationship.
Look at the bright side, at
Look at the bright side, at least BM's coming. SD17's mom is "too busy at work" to come to Graduation.
Have a conversation with the
Have a conversation with the daughter about what Passive Aggressive behavior is. Try to teach her how important is is to be able to identify needs and express them. If SD can begin to live life in a healthy manner, the less her mother will be able to jerk her around.
It's the long way around and won't do anything about the graduation situation that is looming, BUT may save a thousand heartbreaks in the future.
Who knows, maybe it will work.
I call it gorilla warfare. My IL's are so passive aggressive that it makes me want to slit my wrists. Clearly, I am not PA. I ignore their PA digs until they come right out and tell me what they want, which usually comes out with frustration. Then I call them out on why they are frustrated with me. (I know, PA people think others are supposed to read their minds, but I refuse to play that game).
I once explained to my FIL that I didn't appreciate his attempts to make me guess at what he wants from me or what he's trying to tell me. I explained that by making me guess, he is setting me up for failure. I refuse to be set up for failure. If he can't come right out and tell me what he wants, he has no business being upset with anyone other than himself.
No, I didn't score any points with him, but really, I could care less.
Yes, of course this happened
Yes, of course this happened to us a lot in the past. When the skids were children BM was always pulling such stunts to hurt DH, and he spent many years jiggling along on a string trying to ousmart her. Eventually the skids got to the age and stage yours is at, and this was interesting, for at last they actually saw what she was doing as opposed to being the passive agents of her warfare. In particular she involved them in her custody/visitation battles with her next child with a next man, and they saw for themselves the way she would actually physically pick their half sister up and hold her in front of her body like a human sword/shield at the new father as she screamed her usual abuse. This had happened to them but they were now adults and could see it happening to a child, and fully understand.
And as you say, she pulled stuff on their graduation days of exactly this sort. This will go on a while yet but you will find it fades out as against your DH.
I agree with SA as far as your and your DH's reactions are, but for DH and you if you get on with the skids, it IS worth it to help them understand this because this wakeup call for them as to what their mother is really like and can do is both painful and illuminating for them if they are decent human beings. My 3 skids all benefitted from discussing stuff from an adult perspective with DH about their BM and how to handle her/what to expect of her etc. They did need this for sure, as now the BM of course sponges off them emotionally and financially in the same way as she used to off DH, so she is going to become their adult dependant unless they manage to draw boundaries. DH does have a duty to help them with that -- he gave them their mother. Of course, I and you don't. The minute that we SMs might try to offer any support to SKs on this issue, even if we got on with them very well, they would have to be repelled by it and turn away from us. I would regard it pretty much as taboo to get involved in this area as a SM even if you care for the kid. Leave it all to DH and inject some sanity into the situation.
Urgh, it's so wonderful to escape the BM as the skids grow up, believe me this will happen to you too. Don't forget, champagne is de rigeur.