PLEASE HELP!!! Am I acting like a child or a crazed adult??
Hello, I am at my wits end and need advice badly!! I am 40 years old, have a 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage and have been married to a wonderful man with a 20 year old daughter for 3 years. All is great except for his daughter!! Our girls are as different as night and day. Mine is beautiful, smart, always willing to help out, cheerful, and so much fun to be with. She is very well-spoken with great manners and knows how to act in most situations. She has been raised with a great deal of money and has been given the finer things in life; however she doesn't take that for granted nor does she feel she is entitled to things. She has been taught that hard work pays off and she would rather earn gas money than have it given to her. She has never asked for anything and is always excited and thankful when she is given anything whether it is a piece of gum or diamond earrings. She is a high school senior, takes college classes and going to college has always been a given. She has a part-time job and the same boyfriend for a year now. She has a new car which was a gift from my parents for doing great in school and knows it will be taken away if her grades drop or if she abuses it. Don't get me wrong, my daughter is not perfect!! She has her moments and at times her mouth gets away from her, but she realizes it and apologizes for being dis-respectful. Now the 20 year old is just the opposite! She never has a nice word to say, never helps with the dishes and lounges around here like she is a princess! She feels she is entitled to everything and cleaning her bathroom is beneath her. She doesn't have a job, has never had a job! Since I have known her she has had 15 sexual partners. Has abortions without batting an eye and refuses to get on the pill. She goes out to clubs dressed like a slut gets so drunk she blacksout. When she does come home she is always drunk and is either crying saying she loves us all or she is crying and wants to fist fight me or her step sister. Most of the time she just doesn't come home and is gone for weeks at a time only to pop in for money and clothes. During this time she will also call us at 3am crying and asking her dad if she is beautiful. She doesn't have a car because we won't buy her a Benz and she won't drive less than one. The only time she is nice to me is when I buy her something or when she wants something. It has been just she and her Dad for 10 years, her mother moved out of state leaving her daughter here. I guess she didn't want the bother of a child more than phone calls and once a year visits. So, anyway his daughter is always dis-respectful to me calling me a bitch and telling me to f-off. Well, the other day I walked into the kitchen and saw her at the stove. I said, "oh, are you cooking something?" she responded with, "can't you see bitch!". It was on after that! I tried to walk away by going to my room and shutting the door...she proceeded to beat on the door calling me every name in the book. That's when she said it...the most vulgar word in history...that's right she called me the C WORD!! I lost it! I went out called her a pregnant bitch, she threw a glass of ice and water on me, started grabbing things off the counter and tossing them in the trash, opened the fridge and did the same with it's contents then started bumping against me saying "go ahead, hit me"...and I almost did! She told me to leave her house, she wished I would die from cancer, (I had breast cancer) her dad doesn't love me, you name it she said it then called her father at work saying I was crazy, I called her a bitch, a baby killer and was being mean to her!! So, he comes home and gets mad at me!! Said I didn't act like an adult!! Sorry, this adult had had enough! Please tell me what would you adults had done? Was I in the wrong? I know this is long, but I need to know that even sane adults can be pushed and have a breaking point!!
Thanks...Lauren
Sounds like mental problems
Not that I think all bad behavior is that, but her mood swings and anger and crying jags sound like bipolar. Also does your DH see how she is basically on a fast track to hell or has he given up? Sounds like tough love time. Record her cussing you out and play it for him.
I don't think you did anything unusual...
Anyone with any sense of self-respect would have not taken that from anyone. However, I'm with LizzieA and think this girl is mentally unstable. Which means that arguing back with her is like arguing with someone with a mental handicap...you're never going to get anywhere and she could become violent and it's not worth risking your safety. I would be more upset that your husband didn't ask you for your side before getting mad at you. Hello? SHE is also an adult and didn't act like one. If he thinks there is any reason why you should not defend yourself against this kind of disrespect, then he needs to find somewhere else to visit her. Um, like a mental institution...ok that may be harsh...but he either needs to get her some SERIOUS counciling, medication, or ask her to live somewhere else and not enter that door unless she commits to respecting his wife. This is YOUR home and you deserve to be respected in your own home.
You are in competition
WOW - I totally understand being that kind of pissed! And you DH took the SD's side? Even more frustrating. One thing I read - it was SD and DH for 10 years before you two were together? I've read on some of the other posts on here here about the competition between SDs and step mom's for the role of "wife" or "female head of house", and that a lot of times, DH's enable this competition. I think you have a big hairy case of that here. SD was Daddy's little darling - with the run of the house and him. Then - here you are, daddy's wife! How DARE you! My DH had sole custody of his daughter for a couple of years before we met, and I had an echo of this issue. One of the things that helped me immensely was a random comment by one of my inlaws to my DH - children grow up and move on - it is what they are supposed to do. You and Gertrude need to make your life together. That comment marked the beginning of a turn around in my DH's attitude of SD entitlement. When my adult SD moved in my DH and I had had a conversation about rules of the house. Well, the first time SD didn't like it, I found them both confronting me. SD wanted things her way, and her way now. Dh was "partnering" with SD. I had many a lonely moment (and found this site, thank goodness!) At 20 - your SD needs to move on. Of course, who wouldn't want to protect such a cushy, care free situation? Is there anyway you can talk about your partnership with your DH? Can you lay the ground work for the idea that SD needs to move on? I am sorry to hear about this constant drain on you - it is actually unhealthy physically as well as emotionally. One thing to keep in mind - the opinion of your SD is of no value. It is so hard, but her opinions are not ever a reflection of you. Don't give her the power of a reaction. And no, you are not crazy!!
I know what I would do!
Here it is...call the police. Threats, screaming, crazy, out of control, behavior like that with an unstable person who is given to assult and destruction of property is DEFINATELY grounds for calling in protection! I wouldn't have it for a MINUTE! NOT FOR A SECOND! It isn't a question of wether you acted like an adult or a child. YOU were cursed out, threatened, had to stand by and watch your property be destroyed, in YOUR OWN HOME!! HELLO!!! No WAY....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO &*%$#@ WAY. You are in competition, I understand this, it happens even with my 8yro SS, but come ON. She is 20. An adult. GET OUT NOW is what I'd be saying. Either she goes, or I do, and that's my final answer.
Another thing
She is making you pay for her BM's shortcomings, so I'm sure by this point in her life, she is insanely jealous of you and your daughter. She is also probably dealing with the slowly dawning realization that she is going to be outta there soon, and that you will be staying on permanently. She's maybe making a last ditch effort to get you out. Maybe she thinks if you're outta the way, she will have more leverage with her dad and it won't seem so weird for her to stay on a little longer until she can find a sugar daddy. If she can get you to hit her or some other unforgivable offense, she figures you'll have to go, and she can stay!