oldest son and his wife hate me
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My husbands eldest son 32 and his 26 year old wife do not like me. Nor do i like them but am willing to put our differneces aside for the sake a peace for the family and my husband. They refused to have me at their wedding and now they are pregnant and told my husband I will not be invited to anything. This out everyone in an awkard posiyion. The other children, parents all love me. The DIL is close to her MIL so they trash me. How would you handle being excuded from all family functions that they host? Should my husnamd go? I want him to see hus grand kids. Its such a mess. We have all tried to make peace but they dont want to. Nothing bad or triggering ever happened..they dont want me in the same room with the x wife.
I personally would not be
I personally would not be interested in attending functions with my DH's ex.. I sent a gift and my regrets to the baby showers of his oldest child. We did not attend the "fancy destination wedding" of his younger daughter (though did go to her legal ceremony in the US which BM did not get invited to).
In the end.. forcing things isn't ever really going to work.
But, your SO needs to decide what boundary he sets with it. If they are not too far away.. he can visit them.. and maybe even you go with them when BM won't be there. He can also see them without you.. or he can decide to not see them if they won't accept his wife.. lots of ways it could go. What does HE want.
thank you
thank you so much for your reply...it seems like so may of us are in this position.What is BM ? MY SO wants to set boubdaries and wants me to go but I am trying to expain its an uphill battle. Boubdaries are he can see his son alone but if the wife attends or it becomes a family function he will not attend. How do you handle this internally? I get angry that they are so brutatly cruel and stubborn.
BM is your husband's ex, the
BM is your husband's ex, the mom of your stepson. I think what people are wondering is if, at all these events your husband is invited to but you aren't, if his ex will also be in attendance. Husbands spending time with their kids with them excluded is acceptable by a lot of people on this site, but husband plus ex spending time with kids but them excluded is often a deal-breaker.
Right.. I am not sending my
Right.. I am not sending my SO off to play happy family with his EX and kids.. ESPECIALLY adult kids. ESPECIALLY intimate gatherings.. like a birthday party.. a shower..etc..
For larger more public gatherings.. like he wants to go see his grandkid play baseball.. if you can avoid the ex.. enough people? both step parent and bio parent can go...
BUT.. for situations where we are talking about adults.. sometimes the easiest thing is to just say..look.. I get that your adult child does not care for me. But, I know they are still your child and you love them.. if you want to see them from time to time without me.. I support you still having a relationship.. but I won't support you going to parties or visiting with your EX. In my mind.. I'm actually very fine with that.. I'm not a huge little kid person.. so avoiding time with the grands is good for me.. haha
This is our arrangement for
This is our arrangement for the most part. I haven't traveled to see the skids since around 2007, when BM tagged along like a fly on . . . . I mean she came with us everywhere, hung out with all of us the whole time, didn't allow us any time alone with the skids (her greatest fear, we guessed, was that we would tell them about her cheating during the marriage). We couldn't shake her off. After conflict, I chose not to attend graduations, which DH did attend, but he left for home directly afterwards and missed the parties. We both attended a wedding and were treated like crap there, so we left five minutes into the reception. For years, DH has traveled to see the spawn and BM stays away. No more "pretend family" circa 2007, where she was the Wife with the Golden Uterus and I would be the . . . well, the other "W" word, I guess. Boundaries are lovely.
Hopefully the SKids have been
Hopefully the SKids have been seasoned with the facts on BM's cheating.
If not, they should be.
Allowing slime to keep secrets does not sit well in my black and white world.
That prompted big blow-ups.
That prompted big blow-ups. Youngest SD, the pouting baby, began harassing DH as soon as she learned we were dating (it was so inappropriate, and I knew who the instigator was): Why did he "abandon" them (including her mother)? Didn't he promise that he would always love her mother? Why did he leave them? A long accusatory letter repeating these questions arrived on our first anniversary. DH hid the letter, did not tell me about it until after our anniversary, and did not acknowledge to them that he received it, so the phone and email harassment started. Then a second letter arrived under a false return address. SS was directed to confirm our address during a visit (I "caught" him at our mailbox writing down the address. . .
. . . I was actually accused of trashing the first letter.)
DH finally told SD the truth: Mommy Dearest had an affair with a married man with a newborn and then told DH to get out. Evidence was all there laid out for the skids, as Mommy Dearest openly began dating the guy (moving in with him for a period) almost immediately following the separation.
As they say, it all hit the fan. Lesson: Don't tell your kids LIES ("He abandoned US") and then expect the truth to remain hidden. Mommy Dearest was so upset that the truth had finally come out that she either urged and/or supported SD to break contact with us for two years (after obtaining more cash, of course).
The topic came up again with SS later a few years later. SS vehemently denied that his mother was anything less than selfless, suffering and angelic, and yelled at DH. It came up yet again when SS when he was in his 20s. SS's face went pale that time; DH said you could see him putting the pieces of the puzzle together. BUT, once again, afterwards, there was more distance. And there has been ongoing hatred, rudeness and resentment.
Mommy Dearest is one talented cult leader who always manages to bring the skids back into her web of lies. Fine: Passively live with your lies, but don't actively and aggressively promote a completely false narrative. Just leave it alone. It must be stressful to live that way, but in some twisted way she thinks she has "won." No. You threw away your husband and then regretted it. You've been alone now for over 20 years. You are visibly bitter and you publicly look like the crazy person you are. Your kids have never and will never live up to your dreams; they are as dyfunctional as you are, not "the one-percenters" you actually thought they would be, you arrogant moron!
This is why a kid should be force fed the facts.
We engaged with my SS. He talked to us. We gave him no choice. We kept the facts and truth front and center in an age appropriate manner. When they loaded him with lies and manipulation that prompted him into asking questions.
We answered his questions with the facts and the truth including reviewing the CO, daddy dipshit's arrest records, marriage and divorce records, review of the CS and how little that CS was, how it could not possibly buy the nice home, cars, vacations etc.... that SpermGrandHag told SS it was paying for and also how it was so little that it did not take food away from his 3 younger also out of wedlock half sibs' mouths.
We did not allow SS to embrace either their delusions or his own regarding them
Bingo! Exactly how it should
Bingo! Exactly how it should be done.
I avoid the grands because I
I avoid the grands because I know they are and will be used as pawns/hostages. I'm done with hurt feelings. I have my own family members to care about.
Exactly.
Exactly.
It certainly would be a deal breaker for me, and for my DW.
Either way.
Fortuantely, there is less than a ZERO probability that I would ever see my X and my XILs again much less spend a holiday with them.
The same applies for DW. Though if our son asked us to attend as a family, DW and I would be there for him, loaded for bear, with our full frontal living well life on display, and beaming pride in our kid.
Though the only semi-likely event that would put us in proximity with either my XILs or the SpermClan would be a funeral. Even then, I would not see going to a funeral for any of my XILs. I liked my XFIL, but as it turned out, he was complicit in XMILs federal felon embezzlement career. So was my XW and likely my XSIL as well. The only one of my XILs who likely wasn't complicit was my XBIL. Though he certainly did not shy away from the benefits of his mother's embezzlement.
He took his wife and young daughter and moved several State's away long before my XMIL was arrested by the federal marshals.
BM is Bio Mom
Check the FAQ for definition.
Boundaries
Boundaries are so important when the skids and their families actively work to exclude you the spouse of their parent.
On one hand, you as the spouse should be at minimum treated with respect, and your husband should not entertain this BM-worshipping clan in their unfounded hatred of you.
If hes desperate for a relationship with his grands, he will need to go alone and when BM is not there. No going to hosted "family" gatherings with BM there and not you. He cannot play happy family with BM and hateful skids.
That being said, he should definitely have his own relationship with the grands.
What about events hosted by the family branch that loves you? Are there separate events?
thank you
Agin, so many of us are in the same boat. I think the boys are more difficult. What is BM? Events are baby bday parties, communions, baby naming all sorts of things that I am excuded from.
BM means, Biologcal Mom OR
BM means, Biologcal Mom OR birthmom.
This is a tough one. Sure,
This is a tough one. Sure, that's his kid and grandkid. I get that. But if the roles were reversed, say he didn't accept his son's wife, excluding her from gatherings, then he would be considered the worst human ever. But yet it's ok to exclude Dad's wife from gatherings. I will never understand this double standard and why it's considered ok. Ok, so the step kids didn't ask to have a stepmother. On the same token, Mom and Dad didn't ask for a son in law or a daughter in law either. So they need to grow up and accept the fact that Dad moved on.
Did you even know your husband when he and the ex split?
I'd definitely not go where you are not welcome. Your husband should at the very least refuse to be at gatherings where his ex will be. It sounds like this SS wants to keep up the illusion of a happy family with Mom and Dad being still together. I've never liked the idea of the husband or wife going to visit people who hate their spouse. I feel it sends the message of it's ok to treat my spouse like dirt. The exception would be if said spouse did or said something to earn their dislike. I feel that it's also a way for the kid to drive a wedge in Dad's marriage.
I could very well end up in a similar situation. My husband could choose to resume a relationship with his lying spawn, the spawn's toxic, lying, two faced wife, and his grand spawn. I can only control me and set my boundaries. Should he choose to see them, it has to be away from our home, they are not welcome here, and my bios and I will not be involved in any way, shape, or form in a relationship with them. I doubt he will ever resume the relationship if I refuse to get involved.
thank you
Thank you..perfecly said..you have all made me feel so much better and that I am not alone.
I want to agree with you on
I want to agree with you until I get to this section: "The exception would be if said spouse did or said something to earn their dislike." In SKIDville that's a very thin, thin line. As a stepparent this tactic has been used on me - I don't smile in the moment, I say something that could interpreted incorrectly, g-d forbid I speak out of turn...the SKIDs really spend a LOT of time finding fault in even the smallest of errors or even when there is no error. I think the benefit of the doubt should be given and only under reasonable logic where it is clear that the stepparent is doing something that is harmful. Recently, I was told I didn't have the correct facial expression even though I said something that positive- my body language didn't match my words and that was enough for the adult SKIDs to RUN with. They have very very little patience nor any generosity for the stepparents percieved misteps.
Your SKidults are idiots.
Your SKidults are idiots.
Live well and flush them. Living well is the best revenge. Enjoy living that revenge.
When they pull this crap just give them the "they are pathetic" head shake and laugh in their faces. See if they misinterpret that body language.
Lol yes. Living well and
Lol yes. Living well and never looking back.
Thanks Rags!
So he's not yet divorced.
So he's not yet divorced. Maybe they imagine that by pretending you don't exist they can reunite your so and his ex? Magical thinking at it's worst .
I wouldn’t have to handle it.
Because my mate would end their toxic shit.
Did he ever get his divorce finalized?
Did he ever get his divorce finalized? Is there any chance that is the issue? I realize your SO has been separated for years and has clearly moved on - is there any chance things will get better once they actually get divorced?
Why does your dh allow his
Why does your dh allow his kids to treat you like garbage?
.
Personal Opinion Piece
Honestly, life is too short to force yourself to spend time with people you don't want to be around, and don't want you to be around. I get the family ties, and how crappy I'm sure it feels to be excluded, must less hated for a reason you can't identify but at the point that you are at, I'd just eliminate myself from the equation and go do something super fun and just for me on the days of those events. If your SO isn't understanding of how you are feeling about this, or willing to set boundaries, shame on him.
Personally, I wouldn't stop or resent my SO for continuing his relationship with them, but I would expect him to have my back and shut it down if the conversation of me comes up. He should 100% set boundaries with them. It's their perogative not to like you and vice versa, but they don't need to talk about it with others, boast about it, try to get others to feel the same way, or make drama out of it. I would also expect him to be supportive of whatever the decsion was, especially considering how terrible they seem to treat you.
That's just me, but you do what is right for you. You deserve to spend time with people who love and respect you, and thus treat you as such. You do not deserve to feel forced to endure it for the sake of others.
The truth is, by excluding
The truth is, by excluding you and not inviting you to anything, your SS and his wife are completely disrespecting your husband. If your DH goes to these functions, he is letting his son know that that's okay. I know that they think they are dissing you but they are really disrespecting your husband and he needs to make that clear.
100% correct. The disrespect
100% correct. The disrespect is also towards him. He needs to make that clear to these SKIDs. Bad behavior all around.
These men don't care if they
These men don't care if they're being disrespected. They're grateful for any crumbs they can get.
There will come a point in time where if your husband loves and
Respects you, he won't tolerate this 2 family bullshit any further especially if say biomum and her husband can attend and be included even if they're horrible people.
my husband told his kids this about 5 yrs ago because his free time is limited and he wasn't gonna waste weekend days with adult skids who ranted non stop bullshit about biomum and stepdad like they were relevant to my husband, when in those moments my husband was thinking how we're at home because of the disrespect and poor behaviour of skids.
eventually hubby said he was done and if skids chose to be disrespectful and uncivilised etc, he wasn't gonna do separate outings and events whilst we remained home to not have to deal with their crap.
I don't get those spouses that will happily take these pitiful crumbs of temporary attention at great cost to their marriage just to maintain a crap disrespectful relationship with kids. It shows them how to disrespect and manipulate your spouse and not a healthy way to live.
This is something SP should think about
Early on in the relationship. You don't want to stay home and have BP PLAY Happy Family. Sitting at the same table. Talking old times . Family pictures. Part of being divorced is no family pictures. BM AND BF together. Divorce and remarriage some one else changes the picture
On this wedding, Either you go or DH stays at home. ....He doesn't go himself. ...He can't avoid BM. ...Be sure SS Will be insisting of BM and BF being together. Photos , first dance. You must be there to stop that. as DH dances with bride then breaks away to dance with you not BM.
If SS doesn't like you, DH must talk to his son. And insist he and his wife attend and take there rightful place. On not attend. Why attend when this will be the last time you see Them. You don't want to set up disfuction. As DH goes to Christmas dinner by himself..with BM. To see GK open present.. He and BM may sleep over to be up early.
Your comments on the wedding
Your comments on the wedding brought back memories. My grandparents were divorced by the time my uncle got married. My grandpa had a long term affair and after all their kids moved out, Grandma filed for divorce. At my uncle's wedding, Grandpa's mistress or were they married? Can't remember. Anyway, she was absent from the wedding. Grandma and Grandpa had to pose for a family photo, sitting next to each other, holding hands! I was just a child of 10 years old, and I remember thinking that it was weird. Not so much the missing mistress turned fiancee or wife or whatever, but the grandparents holding hands. It felt awkward to me and probably to them too, or at least to my grandma. They acted fine with it but it weirded me out. There was no dance, or I'm sure my poor grandma would have felt she had to endure that too, to keep the peace or whatever other strange reason. I was just a kid, but old enough to know what divorced meant. Luckily that was it. There were no other gatherings where both of them were present. We did separate holidays. I think my grandma would have put her foot down on that or put her foot up somebody's behind if they'd tried to do holidays all together. The wedding I'm sure was hard enough for her.
OP, your husband needs to do the same. No gatherings where his ex will be present. Divorced means you don't spend the holidays together anymore. In normal situations, the spouse would ever be excluded. He needs to set some boundaries and think about whether he wants to set a precedent where he's ok with them excluding you.
The picture thing brings back memories when sd’s
Disappeared and cut off contact with their dad for 5.5 years and eldest sd would randomly be coming across pictures of her dad from when he was still married to their cheating whore of a mother and make it like he was so happy.
She was intentionally trying to elevate the first family like they were superior to us, completely ignorant of the fact there was not a happy day of hubby being married to her mum asshe was an abusive narcissist who enjoyed torturing hubby every way she could.
there was even one day she messages a photo of airport arrival hall no words just a pic. Hubby goes whats this knowing its the airport arrival hall but why is he getting this pic. She told him it was to let him know she is there picking up her mum and stepdad, the affair couple who were cheating whilst married to their previous spouses and the stepdad left his wife to marry biomum who was having an affair whilst married to my husband.
in hubby's mind he was pissed off and visibly disturbed by it. It took him another year before he had the courage to address this nonsense with sd and tell her firmly that i am his wife, his present and future, he is very happy and committed to me and he never wanted to hear sd mention biomum this and stepdad that ever again.
oh boy did sd sulk and she still is 4-5 yrs on. She loved demoting us to the "new family/2nd family" claiming she never wanted to destroy our marriage despite doing everything possible to sabotage our relationship.
there was even early on sd pressuring hubby to meet them at biomum's affair hubbys place. Yup then adult sd thought it appropriate that after 5.5 yrs no contact that the first meet of dad and her brother whom they all abandoned including biomum for a decade, be at affair hubbys home and we were not allowed to attend. Me and our 2 kids who are their half sibling were for them to pretend didn't exist.
hubby is just thinking this is messed up that affair hubby's 2 sons are allowed at this meet, affair hubby yet hubby's wife and 2 kids from that marriage not allowed to said meet. Hubby ignored all requests and i suggested he push for meets outside at a neutral location like a cafe etc which eventually eldest sd agreed to. Biomum couldn't push her bullshit shenanigans on sd's anymore because if she was a truly changed woman as sd and biomum claimed, she couldn't continue her previous manipulative bullshit. We knew how to play her game better
the amount of drama and crap us blended families deal with is insane. I have told my husband many yrs ago me and our 2 kids who were toddlers, would not be attending any wedding of eldest sd as we expect in may happen in coming years. Frankly i'm not interested innfaking that we are one big happy family but i suspect any wedding invite would only include my husband and ss.
Sd lives in SE Asia and she can only marry with hubby being present as the religious wedding is only recognised and she can't bypass hubbys with some other male relative signing the marriage certificate as marriage celebrant will want proof why hubby isn't suitable to carry out that role and there just isn't any proof she can fake. But she hasn't thought that far that all these shenanigans and crap she pulled on hubby, me and our kids doesn't put her in a good light. Hubby can refuse to be present and assign his authority to my ss (her full brother) to marry her off. But we know biomum would find a way to cause drama and treat hubby like crap and I don't think hubby wants to deal with that nonsense but we will see when the time comes
Do the SDs know that mommy is
Do the SDs know that mommy is a cheating whore? If not, they should.
Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Kids need the facts to protect themselves from character void idiots like your SD's BM.
IMHO of course.
Oh they know but they ignore.
She had hubby #2 lined up and married him whilst kids were in school the week after divorce finalised and the divorce cert was recieved. She'd been playing the whole single mum of divorce card her own kids didn't know at first she was cheating with a married man.
they came home off school bus and told kids as they entered the house that she got married and they have a new daddy.
he was to be referred to as dad, yet i was deemed the half naked christian whore, I'm not even Christian!! That whole thing went downhill when sd's started telling mum that daddys new wife (whom he married 5.5 yrs post divorce) was muslim and she claimed she was a born again muslim woman. No accountability ever.
ss refused to see her even now some 14.5 yrs post divorce after she abandoned him as a kid and disowned him.
my husband said sd's are a lost cause because they've been brainwashed by biomum and stepdad like they have a moral compass and in a supreme position of authority to dictate everything
I have laugh tears running down my cheeks!!!
shamds,
This has me launging until my tummy hurts.
he was to be referred to as dad, yet i was deemed the half naked christian whore, I'm not even Christian!!
I really can't stop chuckling.
Obviously BM is self selusional and was applying her own behaviors on you. While labeling you extremely inaccurately. Self preservaton of delusion is strong in this one.
I am sorry for you, DH and your kids have this in the atmosphere of your family. The SDs are drinking the actual non-Christian whore/BM Kool-Aid.
BM is lucky that the historic muslim cultural response to adultery is not in play in her life. I have sadly seen that though my parents moved us on quickly when it started. As a young child in KSA ( as much as 5.5 decades ago) on incredible desert trips to villages, and across the roadless deserts to visit my GrandParents, etc... we saw many amazing and some difficult things.
That SS is intelligent and fully aware is a great thing. That his full sisters are taking the whorish influences of their BM and defending her, is sad.
One of many things that I have tried very hard with, DW as well, is that SS was raised with the facts that I am not his BioDad. He has always known what a StepDad is, what a BioDad is, and what a REAL dad is. As well as who in his life fits each of those definitions. We explained it to him, we demonstrated it in his daily life. While he has always called me Dad(dy), it has always his choice.
I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy). He was a toddler when his mom and I met. Her apartment had a big picture of the Spermidiot on the wall. Any time he was mentioned in conversation SS would point at the pic. A few months after we started dating we were at my STBDW's apartment with a group of friends. A good friend of mine and I were goofing off with SS. His mom was talking with the ladies about the ongoing challenges of maintaining a connection between a toddler and Bio-Dad in a long distance situation. At some point she asked SS "Where's daddy?". He got a stern look on his face, pointed at me, and said "DADDY!". DW corrected him and pointed at the pic on the wall. SS repeated.... "DADDY!" while pointing at me. To that point he would say Mommy, and few other words. "Milt", for milk, etc....
I have been Dad(dy) ever since. No one ever called me daddy before that. Definately neither DW nor I called me that. His mom and I married ~5mos later.
That your SD's don't even recognize what a decent mother is and were forced to drink the cheat buddy/daddy of the moment Kool-Aid by their BM and StepDad is tragic. It certainly does not excuse their crap. But it is tragic for them and for your DH.
Thanks for the laugh. I am not sure why this struck my funny bone but I am still chuckling about it.
Take care of you and your little ones.
Oh for sure and exwifes family knew she wasi
Having an affair they refused to have proper celebrations. Married in a marriage celebrants office because of the shame.
i have thick skin and over time just felt those who believe and fall for biomums shenanigans are just as dumb and batshit crazy as her. If they had a brain they would see through her crap. Early on in the divorce people believed her till they realized how petty she was and just pissed off she was dumped for being a crappy wife or mum.
sd's bragged how biomum and stepdad were going for a hajj pilgrimage and hubby tells his daughters in front of me that i had already gone 18 yrs prior
it fails to occur to biomum and stepdad that any harm they did to others including backbiting, spreading lies etc, that they must seek forgiveness personally from those they have wronged ans receive it as god doesn't intervene because you involved the rights of others.
which means sd's calling dad pressing him to dump me and my kids, gaslighting me and our kids, disrespecting us, until the day they all apologised for the wrong they did from those they harmed, until they received forgiveness and change their ways, any good they do is wasted and not recognised by god. Thats karma!!
my husband many yrs ago told all skids their own mum abandoned them and if hubby died tomorrow, they have no decent immediate family to guide them beyond me and they severed that relationship so they will grow into lonely people as a result. Ss woke up and has been more welcoming to us
Tahniat bialhaji
I am so glad that you and DH protect yourselves and your family from that mess.
Congratulations on having completed Hajj. Though not a Muslim, I have read fairly extensively on Islam and on the history of the Prophet (pbuh) and the holy cities. My childhood home was in Jiddah and we have explored the Western province extensively. We got lost once on a cross desert trip and entered Medina in error. Non Muslims are not allowed in either of the holy cities. We were approached kindly, pointed in the correct direction, and escorted to our destination after fueling up and buying some water and other supplies. I remember it well due to dad's reaction when he realized he had missed some navigation points and ended up in Medina. This was in the days when there were limited established roads in the Kingdom.
Later we lived in the Eastern province when my dad changed employers. My DW and I were in the Eastern province (Al Khobar) during our KSA Expat years as adults.
That Islam has the consequences for the behavioral choices of BM, her cheat partner, and even your Skids awaiting them all is I am sure a comforting surity of future justice for you. and your DH.
fi 'aman ealaa
I'm very sorry. I wish I had
I'm very sorry. I wish I had some advice. I'm in the same boat with my daughter and SIL angry at me and I think very unjustly and because of the dysfunction in my family of origin and years of hearing lies about me from my mother/sisters/ I see no way of fighting the tide so I pray and try to be at peace.