Nose out of joint
Hi there my bf and I are in our forties, we have been living together for 2 years. I have 3 children 14,10,7 he has 2 children 17,21 and a grandson 1yrold.
His 2 children do not appear to like me respect our relationship nor do they try to have a relationship with me or my kids, the 21 year old does not live near us and the 17 yr old has chose to move closer to his mom and sister.
The ex wife seems to try n remain in contact with my boyfriend with updates as to their kids n grandchild. They rarely communicate with their dad or me (esp if the 17y/o) visits his mom.
My dilemma is the ex wife volunteered to drive n get the 17y/o's stuff and bring him out to her place, my boyfriend has now decided he wants to take his son out to the 21y/o's. My boyfriend has invited me and would like me to go, however i cannot leave my 3 children home alone. He is choosing to go without me although he is expressing sadness that i cant go however i dont feel its that sincere. I asked about what his thoughts were with regards to bringing the 3 children and he replied it would be too long of a drive for them.
My boyfriend has recently started to not include them when it comes to being around his kids. He always is able to manipulate it back on to their age and their abilty to sit for long periods of time.
My gut is telling me that this event my kids are seen as a nuisance to him or he feels some sort of pressure to keep his kids happy, and sohis kids dont see my kids all loving towards him.
Anyone else have any ideas as to why he seems addament not to have my kids around for this trip?
The 21 y/o does have drug issues and seems to have parenting issues as well. Although i am not privvy to all the information.
Should I feel as tho he is "putting my kids on the shelf?" until its more convenient for him?
I agree i do not. I dont know
I agree i do not. I dont know what I am afraid of I dont want to go either the daughter doesnt like me or my kids .
I don't know what about this whole scenerio is that scares the shit out of me. I think I feel like they are winning and that we will never be a family. The BM and her boyfriend get all the time with the grandson and I dont get any I just cant help but feel like its my fault he doesnt get to see his daughter or his grandson because of our relationship.
Yet i dont know that my guilt is justifiable, yet after 2 years and there is no improvement in the relationships with his kids should I persue it or am I continuing the envitable?
My boyfriend is always
My boyfriend is always chasing them for their "approval" it appears as though he is guilty and trykng to redeem himself to them and i think to his ex wife.
Yes thank you Tog! I agree
Yes thank you Tog! I agree its just shitty when you are on this end.
Put away that "family" dream.
Put away that "family" dream. It rarely happens under the conditions you describe and its clear from everyone's actions that it definitely isn't happening to you.
Let him deal with, visits in both directions and otherwise interact with his kids. With them so far away it won't be all that much and if he decided to take a week or two to visit them some day let him go. You two aren't attached at the hip. If you want take your kids on a trip that same time period. Camping if you want a inexpensive get-away.
Tell him you'll listen and support him as much as you can but you'd prefer that you and yours don't deliberately interact.
Yes thank you all. The more I
Yes thank you all. The more I look at it the more I realize I seem to of temporarily lost my sense of independance! Sometimes I just need a kick in the butt to remind me, or maybe just a forum with caring people to help me realize this!!:):)
I think you are wonderfully
I think you are wonderfully honest when you write, "I don't know what about this whole scenerio is that scares the shit out of me. I think I feel like they are winning and that we will never be a family."
Thankyou for being so honest. I feel that is the answer so often when you feel this way. Be honest and realise that you are scared that these children will succeed in driving a wedge between you.
Truth is that he will miss you and miss all of you so long as you do not let this stuff alter you - the person he fell in love with.
Don't be scared.
btw not judging I have been there and keep going there too.
FreshStart thank you! I do
FreshStart thank you! I do believe that is my fear, wow you nailed it! I was very afraid that SD &SS would succeed in driving a wedge between us. It is exhausting how relentless and manipulative they are, it is constant although I know they will never change or stop trying to manipulatimg him, I need to carry on with life and not focus on their behaviours and focus on my goals and path to success and happiness, my boyfriend has made it clear to them that he chose to have a life with me and they need to get on board with it or bug off. Thats all he can do really and he is right, his kids are very toxic and negative and of course misery loves company, so if I weaken they succeed in making everyone else miserable too. Thank you all for the posts they are exactly what I needed to "hear" I take comfort in the messages that "we" are not alone or not to blame being stable and committed to each other is not a fault like some of these SKids want to seem to break or mock.
Everyday we learn and try to achieve more for ourselves and being optimistic is not a horrible thing it is a great way of life, they have it backwards and are only happy when miserable or so it seems!
It sounds like SD & grandson are coming here to stay for a few days so we shall stay tuned as to how this goes as she will most likely once again be parading men thru the revolving door of our house while my boyfriend is at work, the nice thing is I will get to see the grandbaby!!
Just tell him that you and
Just tell him that you and your kids will enjoy the trip. Put it in his court. If he redeems himself by enagaging and enjoying the trip then great. If not .... then you have some clarity to deliver to him.
Good luck.
True enough Rags! I did try
True enough Rags! I did try that one yesterday! But now that i have had some sleep i think honestly it has something more to do with him protecting my kids from his adult kids bullshit and the bullshit environment they like to maintain, if the SD comes here Im thinking my bf feels he has more control over "taming" her bs...
Well SD isnt coming for her
Well SD isnt coming for her trial! She has decided to blow off the whole "frivilous" court date! I guess b/c she lives in another province!
SS Has moved out and he wont even reply to one of my texts just daddy's! Same as SD she only replies to daddy or only texts him,
My bf is going out there next weekend to visit them, i am not sure how I feel about that. I am disappointed that now that they are both so far away that they dont feel the need to communicate with me or be phony with me. But I think I kinda thought they did sort of like me but I guess what hurts the most is realizing all the huge sacrifies I've made over the past 2 years for them was just a big manipulation and waste of my time and money.