New to this whole thing. Looking for advice
Forums:
I am engaged to an older man who has 3 grown children and to be honest, I am completely lost as to my role, place, etc. My fiancé is very laid back and the peacekeeper, whereas I am outspoken and stick up for myself. We do not live in the same cities as his children and they have had very erratic communications with their father. I have met one child and frankly, bit my tongue the entire weekend and behaved myself, but it wasn't easy. His son now wants a relationship with him again and I honestly just want to run. lol. I love their dad, but after all I have seen I have no real interest in meeting more of them. Yes, it sounds awful, but it's honest. Any advice for first meetings?
No help here. My first
No help here. My first meeting with SD-28 was a flaming disaster.
I had suggested to SO that I invite SD-28 out for coffee/lunch to get to know each other a bit since I intended to be in SO's life. He became extremely agitated: "You do NOT want to do that." He set an edict that I never meet SD-28 alone and that he needed to be there. Red-flag. Late wife & SO adopted SD-28 at the age of 10 & it sounds like a foster services horror story.
I met her one evening when SO, myself and SGD-12 (her daughter who was raised by SO) were playing a boardgame. She stopped by to ask for money. SGD-12 had quickly hidden a present that SO had given her for Valentine's Day under a jacket. I thought that odd. SGD-at-the-time-10 said that her mom becomes jealous and would want it for herself.
SD is currently hiding out in NM with a felony "assault of a police officer" warrant out for her. Drug/alcohol issues. Abandoned all 3 children with their baby daddies. History of physical violence. More than one felony. Blames me for kicking her out of SO's home.
I really have nothing to offer because SO's adult daughter gives me nightmares.
Good luck.
Hi there: Yikes. Mine wasn't
Hi there: Yikes. Mine wasn't that bad luckily. They are very entitled and spoiled (2 20 something sons still live with their mom), but no drugs or felonies.
Could I ask you to clarify what the initials mean? It's my first time ever on here and just wondering what SO, SGD, etc. mean.
THanks.
SO-significant other SGD-
SO-significant other
SGD- step granddaughter
DH- dear husband
BM- biological mother
SS- stepson
OP- original poster
MIL- mother in law
A general idea. You don't have to use them but saves typing and commonly recognized.
On top of what Sandy suggested below, you need to discuss money. You say the boys are spoiled with entitlement attitudes. Lots of stepmoms ((SM) set up and keep finances separate. Be sure your DF(dear fiancé) isn't handing money out to adult children. That if he is it is his own personal and disposable cash, he can still afford his share of household expenses, never co-signs loans that might affect you ect.
Any advice for first
Any advice for first meetings? Yes. Before the meeting talk with your fiance. Ask what he foresees as to expectations from you toward his children, and his expectations of how his children should treat you as his wife. Then express what your expectations are such as the marriage will be his top priority and he will inform his children they are to respect you as his wife. If he can not give you a clear answer, if there you both don't agree to this, just keep dating him - don't marry him.
Your role is no more than
Your role is no more than what you are comfortable with and how it evolves. If his children are lovely people and you enjoy each other's company then a true relationship can develop.
On the other hand if they are miserable people you just are civil and polite when you must be near them. If they cannot be civil and polite then you just never see them.
My SS30 has never been rude to me, but he is a terrible alcoholic with domestic abuse problems. My issue with him is not how he treats me (he loves my money) but how he treats others. He's just not a person that I want in my life so I do not see him. My DH sees him every week or two but away from our home. It seems to work for us.
Just be cool, and by that I
Just be cool, and by that I mean keep some distance. Be polite and kind but don't get enmeshed in the situation and drama that WILL ensue between your fiance and his kids. The relationship is between him and them, be DF's support but don't be a dumping ground for his family drama.
Set financial boundaries now
Make it known to DF that you will not tolerate disrespect from skids
Do not let them move in!
You may be thinking, "but they live in different cities this is not an issue." Many times rekindling the relationship with an estranged parent means the parent needs to fully take care of them, make retribution for perceived wrongs and helpless adult babies arrive with a suitcase and outstretched hand. Beware!
What StepAside said. These
What StepAside said. These people are strangers to you. The relationship with them, if any, will develop over time if it is what you and the stepkids want. Other than that, the relationship is between DF and his kids, and you and DF. In order for his relationship with you to flourish, he doesn't take advantage of your kindness or your money, and he treats you like a partner.
Most problems are not with the kids, but with how our SOs engage with the kids or how our SOs don't honor the partnership with their wife/girlfriend.
Wow. Thanks everyone for all
Wow. Thanks everyone for all that advice. Lots to think about for sure. I have already set financial boundaries and his kids all have jobs, so no money issues have arisen.. yet... His son was having relationship issues and I think that's why he has come back for a relationship, but time will tell. I am very aware by nature and have already told him I wont let his kids treat me badly or be disrespectful and just sit back and take it. If they are polite and respectful, I will certainly reciprocate and will go in with good intentions. SO has been walked over a lot and I am more to the other extreme where I put my foot down quickly. He has said over and over that I am the most important one right now, so that is hopeful. I have told him I don't want to meet them (yup, I'm blunt. lol), but will do so and be pleasant for his sake as long as it is given in kind. I may just be dreading all of this for nothing. A lot of it stems from me taking hours and money finding them nice Christmas and birthday gifts and them not doing a thing for their father, including even sending a Christmas card. I get that they don't really know me, so I didn't expect anything, but seriously, not even a card for Christmas, birthday or fathers day? Its all just weird to me and I don't begin to understand their complicated relationships, but it sure has left a bad taste in my mouth and sadly, a formed opinion of them all. My biggest fear is not biting my tongue around them and upsetting their relationship with their father. I just don't think I can sit back if they start treating him badly. He says he's used to it and that's how they are, but I was raised to speak up for myself and being protective, will always advocate for others. But again, I may just be stressing for nothing and it will be fine. Sadly, though, as I said to my SO, I don't go in with high expectations after their past behaviour.
You are really something! I
You are really something! I only wish I could have met you or read your life philosophy 24 years ago. It took 20 years for me to get the courage to get to where you are now. You have been open with your DF. You have let him know the consequences if you are treated badly, and that you will not remain silent. If the skids get the message that you will not be a doormat for them, you won't be. This will result in either their decision to respect you, or if not, you will disconnect from them without looking back.
I too shopped for special gifts for SD but when she didn't reciprocate and did not acknowledge our birthdays, Fathers Day, etc. I ignored her selfishness. Instead, I should have smiled and let her know that I would honor her obvious desire not to feel obligated to us, so from now on, we would not exchange gifts. I should have been strong enough to let her know through my actions that I expected nothing short of mutual respect. You are there now!
The thing is - if DH is OK with, "that's how they are", then he should be defending himself. As long as he doesn't expect you to be a doormat too, and has your back as his wife you should be OK.
"My biggest fear is not
"My biggest fear is not biting my tongue around them and upsetting their relationship with their father."
They've already done a great job of upsetting their relationship with their father. If you try to get involved and fix things between them you'll just become a target. Stay completely out of their dynamic.