What are appropriate expectations from adult / adolescent children staying for the summer?
Hi;
I'm hoping that someone on this site can give me some insight and/or guidance on how I am to deal with my 4 stepchildren ( ages 17 to 22 ) that stay with my husband and I during the summer.
A little background, to start. My husband and I have been married for 9 years ( his ex-wife had already re-married before I ever met him). For the past 3 summers, the SKs have stayed with us during the summer, while their BM spent her summer at her husband's fishing lodges. The thing is, I am not a neat freak, and am relatively easy going and very accommodating, but the young adults bring their BM's poor domestic habits into my home, and though I can deal with it at first, before long, I find that I begin to feel invisible, as though they are indifferent to the way my husband and I live. Is it indifference, lack of respect, or just their bad habits modelled by their BM?
Further to that, the 2 oldest ,( SS20 and SD22) have stayed with us for extended periods while in College, and to help them financially, we have not required them to pay rent, do chores, cook, or buy their own groceries, even though they both make great money at their part time jobs. That doesn't really bother me either. What does bother me, is the "feeling" that I have that they are using us, whereas, if they stayed with their mother, she would require them to do chores, cook, pay rent, and be accountable to her. So, I believe they live with us, to avoid that. Because they are adults, they are free to live their own lives, and can come and go as they please. It does bother me, though, that my workload has increased, and therefore "my" summer is full of stress of "doing for" my SKs.
What bugs me is that they go out of their way to hang out with their mother, and spend time with her, whereas my DH ( in my mind) is like an afterthought to them.
My biggest issue, though is with my SD22. She seems to have no problem using my things, whether it be toiletries(body wash, tampons etc). It's gotten to the point where I've had to remove my things from the washroom, or else she'd use them. I remember being that age, and I did not use or take anything that didn't belong to me! I don't understand why that's not a part of the thought process. If she asked, I would say yes.
My home is supposed to be my safe and happy place, but instead, I feel like I squirrel..."hiding" my things, so they wouldn't get taken or used.
I think I'm more angry with myself though, for not being "assertive", and firmly stating the boundaries, for the fear of appearing like a b@#%h.
My husband is bothered by their messiness also, but because they are his kids, he has more grace. I get that.
So, where do I go from here? I have always been a "nice" person, but, to be honest, I don't feel much like that inside anymore. Am I losing my mind?! I keep trying to "shut it off", and tell myself to not let these things bother me, but they do. I'm stressed out and uncomfortable and tense most of the time.
Any insight, advice or guidance sure would be appreciated.
Thank you!
"My husband is bothered by
"My husband is bothered by their messiness also, but because they are his kids, he has more grace." You are being too kind. It's not "more grace", it's lack of balls. Your DH needs to set boundaries, informing them that if they are to stay at your home for any extended amount of time they are to contribute it's maintenance, and must at least clean up after themselves. If he doesn't do it you are going to have to. I like Cat's idea of renting an apartment for the summer if DH will not support you on this. I know exactly how you feel. I did the same thing for 20 years. SD never lifted a finger to help or pick after herself. It DOES get old. And it doesn't get better unless you take some sort of action.
I would not call a round
I would not call a round table discussion. I'd discuss it all with DH first to ensure you are singing from the same sheet. If you are, then you present as a united front to the skids and have an apparent round-table discussion which is in fact you and he laying down the law.
I agree that anyone over 18
I agree that anyone over 18 abides by the homeowners rules. However, I also believe anyone under 18 does too. As is age appropriate.
Over 14, you can do a load of washing, stack the dishwasher, make your own bed.
OP your step children are ALL old enough to take care of themselves. If your DH won't step up to enforce this, you have to.
Its not about "grace" its about having expectations of cleanliness in your home.
My SS'S are used to their mother waiting on them hand and foot (or she's a filthy creature who has no expectation of tidiness at all, whichever.... I don't care)
In OUR home, there are expectations, fail on those and there are consequences.
Following a meltdown by Miss Flo, coming home from work and finding the house trashed, food wrappers and drink cans on the floor. Dirty washing in the loungeroom, dishes all over the kitchen benches and dishwasher open to access clean glasses ( but not unpacked). The SS's were told anything out of place would be assumed to be rubbish and disposed of appropriately.
All it took was DH to put the PS controller in the rubbish for the point to be understood.
It's got to be a team effort though, your DH needs a little less "grace" and a little more backbone.
This situation is ridiculous.
This situation is ridiculous. You should be doing less chores rather than more what with 4 extra hands around the house. Same as with Dad, those kids are old enough to mow the lawn. You've got some good advise above put it to use.
Stealing is inexcusable. Just as you said its OK if she asks, but only in an emergency and repayment is expected. Ok one tissue a year forget about it but otherwise she is not there to sponge off of you.
Maybe they will think of you as a bitch but remind them that they're perfectly capable of holding down jobs which requires them to be honest, carry their fair share and be respectful of other people and their property. It's no stretch to do that at home. As my father told me when I complained that I shouldn't have to use good table manners at home "Why would you be polite in front of complete strangers and not your own family". I admitted he was right.
Thanks so much, everyone,
Thanks so much, everyone, for your thoughtful and insightful replies. It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way, and that I'm not a bad person.