NEED advice about husband and adult step-son
So, some of you may know my story. But, I am married 14 years with two adult step-children (25 and 20) and two bio children (12 & 9). My adult ss20 has never worked a day in his life. His mother pays his way a lot. He is a self-entitled brat who blames his father for everything. And, his father lets him do it. My husband will text him, call him, make plans with him without anything in return. He will make plans with ss20 and the son will not even show up. No calls, nothing. Unless of course he's getting something out of it. It makes me sick. This brat puts up Facebook statuses all the time about his father's character being bad. How his mother has always been his "mother and father" and he gives "shout outs" to his old gang member friends who he used to hang with thanking them for "teaching him things only a father should teach." Thug. He has a juvenile criminal record. He was living with his mother and off his mother until she moved an hour north. He didn't want to leave his friends, God forbid so he is now living off of his 25 year old sister who can barely make ends meet herself. She has her own one bedroom apartment and he sleeps on her couch. Still, no job! But, he has a car with car payments and insurance. Mommy pays for that. He goes out clubbing. Who knows who pays for that.
Several years ago after we blew through his college fund defending him in juvenile criminal court with lawyers and restitution for an assault charge (which I thought his mother should have paid she he was living under her roof at the time), my husband and I agreed that we would not pay for his college, if he even decided to go. We agreed to reconsider that together he changed. If his son attended college the first year and paid for it and was serious and made decent grades, then we would pitch in for future college, with the same rules. This was an AGREEMENT we made together. Later, after going through our credit card bills, I saw that my husband had paid for his college and his books without telling me. I felt very betrayed. This was a huge issue for me, especially when it came to trust. He did it again with his daughter when he had just told me that we didn't have a lot of money to spend, and he went out and bought furniture for his daughter's apartment, without my knowledge or even discussing it with me. It's not the fact that he helped his daughter; it's the unilateral decisions he makes with our money on big ticket items. AFTER telling me we had to be careful with money. Another betrayel of my trust. Just recently, he asked me if he could buy his children plane tickets to go to Florida with us for a wedding because he knew they could not afford it. I agreed to that because I felt back for my husband. He then asked if he could buy his son a suit. I disagreed with that. He has decent clothes. My husband said he would be embarrassed if his son didn't wear a suit. To me, his son should be the embarrassed one. He could wear a pair of khaki pants and nice collar shirt and that would be fine. This kids needs a job to pay for this stuff! He certainly doesn't stop partying. My husband went out and bought him a suit anyway. And then had the nerve to come home and tell me about the suit. I just looked at him and said "I didn't agree to buy the suit and I don't care what it looks like."
Bear with me, I'm getting there...
I just called my husband's cell phone to find out when he would be home for dinner. He answered and immediately said "You're on speaker phone, so-and-so is in the car." It was his son. Now, his son only goes near his father when he's getting something out of it. So, do I ask my husband what that was about today and what they were up to? I hate being petty but this could really be a deal breaker for me. The first time was bad. The second time worse. The third time worse yet. But, I told my husband after the suit that in no uncertain terms would I agree to spend another dime of our money on his son, until his son contributes to something, anything in his own life.
What do I do with this? I cannot let it sit. I have already sent myself an e-mail reminder to check the credit card bills and checkbook for today's date when the statements come in. I am so angry and I don't even know if anything happened yet. I just can't stand it anymore.
Thanks!
My advise to you rid of all
My advise to you rid of all evils. I am ridding SD, because she wants to live a high life with a $2000 a month rent and other expenses without a job. DH has no problem forking up the money every month and neglect his debt. I ended up paying with my saving. We had a big fight and he moved to her apartment. I hated DH's irresponsible and guilt driven parenting. Your DH's priority is obvious not his wife just like my DH. It's time to go to battle and put an end to all the nonsense. My personal opinion. I don't want the presence of evil in my life (SD). If getting rid of DH is the fastest way to solve the problem, I am for it.
Thanks everyone. There are
Thanks everyone. There are so many other ways he has betrayed me with trust and not had my back. I feel stupid. I guess I keep getting past it for my own children's sake. But, he doesn't respect me at all. I always run any big ticket item that I want or need by him, not because I need his permission, but out of respect. I definitely don't get that same respect in return. I just recently bought a journal and started writing down incidences in our marriage when he has done things like that to me. I have four pages with two columns on each. Some are small, but even the small have been magnified because it just keeps happening over and over again. The deal breaker should have been our agreement about college that he betrayed me on. It wasn't about making his son suffer - it was about making his son take some responsibility for his own life and future. I have always been willing to help, but I just get screwed in the process each and every time. Last Christmas when we were having a particularly hard time with money, we had not bought his adult children anything yet. I was trying to think of something nominal, but sentimental, for his daughter. I brought it up to him and said "So, do you have any ideas we we can get SD?" He said to me, "Oh I bought her a laptop because she really needs one." He never talked about it with me at all! You could have picked me up off the floor. I had been looking at laptops for myself to replace my very old one, and he goes out and buys one for SD. Unbelievable jerk.
Why don't you suggest that DH
Why don't you suggest that DH get an apartment his lazy stepson? Give his 25 yo sister a break, give the two of you a break. And when he goes to work each day and comes home to lazy stepson on the couch every single day, when his budget is tight because he is still supporting you and other 2 kids, he might feel differently about whether it is acceptble for able bodied 20 yo ss to sit on his lazy ass all day.
I suggested this once to my DH with his lazy ss who could not even do his homework and wanted to do drugs all day in our house. I had my two biokids there and ss was a terrible example (which they fortunately did not try to emulate). Anyway, at first DH said OK he would get an apt with ss. He told ss who was happy, happy, happy about the idea of living only with his dad, who never disciplined him or took any parently responsibility (that was my job apparently, and you can imagine how that was received). I think DH figured out what would happen - ss would continue to sit on his ass, not do homework, and get high, take advantage, be disrepectful and nasty to him. And DH would be living only with this douchebag as company and family - not with me (hardworking loving wife) and my two kids (that worked hard at school and adored him). He went and told ss he had changed his mind - didn't want to share an apt with him, he was staying right there. SS was so so so so angry.