Need advice
My insides are a mess!! My fiance texted me and said he and his grown daughter just had it out! Then called me and long story short, his daughter doesn't see anything wrong with leaving me out of family photos on social media. She said it is Fakebook. I should look at how she is when I am around her. I guess I have a really bad taste in my mouth because we have officially been together (living together) for over a year 4 months. In all that time, I have not been asked to be in a picture by her. All the pictures that were circulated did not have me. She would position the camera when taking informal pictures where I was not in it. We have been to many things, but I was always left out. Of course my boyfriend would say, "Come get in picture." However, the ones she and her sister circulated always left me out. She would never like anything that he and I put out either. Therefore, we came off of Facebook.. so her point now is that we are off Facebook.. SHE IS MISSING THE POINT. My insides get in knots when I see the camera come out from one of them because I know I will be excluded. He has said something several times to them and they just keep doing it. I just got engaged two days ago and he said that if we can't get along, we can't get married. Guess who wins. His children. They are nice to my face, but honestly feel like I just take up space when they are around. I have stayed this before. When the youngest got engaged, they asked their dad if they could have a bridal shower. They did but did not invite me at my house. Every function they have or we have, I have not been included in a picture. The youngest did not want me in any reception pictures....not formal wedding pictures, but just informal wedding pictures when she got married. The last straw was at Christmas. I just had had breast reconstruction from all the scar tissue that formed after breast cancer 5 years ago and while under, I told them to go ahead and do a tummy tuck because I knew they were taking fat again for the breast. I'm tiny and it just ends up leaving more loose skin plus my muscles were completely detached from having my son. I didn't feel good...had a drain, fever, and sore. However, qe still had the family over. They all took pictures in front of the tree and my boyfriend asked for me to take a picture. I changed so I looked descent and his daughter took it. She posted all the pictures on Facebook but the one I was in and put Christmas 2020. We came off Favebook shortly afterwards. I go to the birthday parties, the events for her children. Soccer games, church events, family gatherings. My thing is I just want to be a part of the family. Not excluded and treated like I have a disease to the world. It's like as long as no one knows that you were there to the outside world, you are ok. My dad died in 2019 of dementia, my mom is now in memory care because she has the disease. I am the only child and crave to feel a part. My fiance he asked me four days ago)says he is caught in the middle and he hasn't done anything wrong. He can't make them mad because he is scared that will keep him from seeing his grandchildren. She asked where we were getting married and he asked her before the argument if she and her sister wanted to be a part of it.. They said they would rather just come to the reception because emotionally it would just be too hard and that would be hard enough with their own selfish problems. There words not mine...BTW, I had nothing to do with their parents divorce. Their mother chelated on their dad after 26 years of marriage with several much younger men.. He took her back but she did it again and that was it. I was not in the picture at all at this time.Sorry so long, but my counselor wasn't available today. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Wait, WHAT?
He said you cant get married if y'all dont get along? Did he really say that!
OMFG...k, bye have a nice flucking life with your shitty DD's. THAT is what you should say.
Either he is trying to whip YOU into shape before marriage OR he sees you as the problem. Did he say the same thing to his DD's??? Or just you.
Either way dump and run Listen to me it never gets better. Its not about the pictures on fakebook, its about the passive aggressive behavior from his shit DD's and your DH turning it into you having the problem.
He said I love you and I love
He said I love you and I love my kids. I can't married until ya'll work this out. He continued with, "I'm the bad guy and haven't done anything. This is between the two of you. She sees nothing that she has done is wrong and the last time was at Christmas and that was just Fakebook."
Oh HUN
In other words his Lil B's get to decide whether daddio gets married. They will continue to act like bitches, you will continue to get hurt, and then your coward DH will use that as a reason not to marry you.
In a healthy relationship you would be marrying him, not his DD's. Your fiance would tell his DD's to knock it off and if they cant stay the hell away. INSTEAD he puts his marriage decision into the hands of others. Either you should be OK with being treated poorly no matter what they do. If they amp it up, then just say thanky m'aam for the shit cup cakes.
My question why would you marry a man who does this/says this.? He obviously expects all "his women" to get along, which is code for the SM to suck it up.
Whether SD has done wrong or not, SD will always see it as doing nothing wrong and your Fiance will pass the buck to you and you are supposed to get over it.
He's Right. HE IS THE BAD GUY AND HASN'T DONE ANYTHING!
HE IS YOUR PROBLEM.
He's trying to play the victim so he can have it HIS WAY. He has NO REGARD for YOUR FEELINGS. He wants what HE WANTS. He's selfish.
OP - at least he's being
OP - at least he's being honest with you. He's afraid of his kids, he's afraid of losing his grandkids, and he will not be putting your concerns ahead of his fear.
If you can live with that, carry on. Stop trying to be included, and just don't do anything with his daughters. Or do things with them, keep it superficial, and stop caring about whether they like you, or post pictures of you or whatever.
If you can't live with it, then end the engagement and move on.
He is not likely to change or do anything differently than he's doing now. And don't get married hoping to change him.
I am the same poster and they
I am the same poster and they did do that. They asked again for a birthday for the grandchild and he said no because we would be out of town. He told them that they were not going to have another party at our house when I was not there. Is it wrong for me to post to ask for advice. We have come a long way in our relationship and made strides. I have never dealt with adult step children before. Therefore, it is all new to me.
Mymoffet
What strides have you made?
Me personally or us?
Me personally or us?
What has changed since your FIRST post
Is what Im thinking was meant because Im asking the same thing...as I read your posts and your comments on this new one.
- I definitely agree with Gimlet. Your fiance is putting himself "in the middle" because he is allowing his daughters to disrespect you. The purposeful exclusion in pictures posted, the basic exclusion - all very passive agressive.
All you mentioned is that nothing would be held in your house without you being there.
You need to have a big heart to heart with your man. He needs be more afraid of losing you than his daughters, seriously...
Your SO has point blank told
Your SO has point blank told you that his daughters are his priority and will always come first. He will not confront them on your behalf and defend you & insist you are part of the family. You deserve better.
I'm divorcing my H after 25
I'm divorcing my H after 25 years because the exclusion never stopped. My SD31 has won. I'm so exhausted and got so many physical symptoms that my doctor told me that "it is imperitive that you are no longer a part of SD's immediate family or you will die."
My H got us into marital counselling but it's not helping our marriage at all. It's helping me on a personal level but not our marriage. In fact, it's not my marriage. It's SD's and H's. I will never be the love of my H's life and I will never be included. My SD recently spawned so the obsession has started all over again because SD uses the baby to divert H away from everyone and everything. My H has no balls at all and has never had my back. Now, I get to start over feeling like I totally wasted 25 years of my life when I could have had so much more of a fulfilling life had I left closer to the beginning when I first started to realize that my marriage was a sham. It's been one 25 year long exercise in exclusion for me.
I'm so sorry. I don't want to
I'm so sorry. I don't want to end up like that. He told his daughter today that a guy came up to him a couple of months ago and apologized to him. He said, *I feel that I need to apologize because I had an affair with your wife. She told me that she was not married.* It was uncomfortable because I was with him when the guy said he needed to talk to him. I don't know what his daughter said back. He said they were yelling at that point at each other. I just wished they could be happy for him. However, a friend that has dealt with this issue said give it more time. You are not marrying his grown kids. She was the stepchild and she came around to like her dad's wife.
Your friend is wrong. I
Your friend is wrong. I really suggest not giving it more time. I gave 25 years and am on an exit plan. Giving it more time doesn't work unless the father (your SO) actively and consistently requires changes from his exlusionary bitches. He must be strong enough to risk those cows getting mad and shunning him for a while. Since he's not willing to do that, you will always be the one who has the onus put on you to "get along" which translate to suck it up. My SD never came around to like me. Also, the issue isn't with your SKs. It's with your SO. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who sells you out?
dump and run...
just went throught this BS a year ago...I believed his promises, even after counseling, that he would set and enforce boundaries with 23 yr old DaughterWife. I married him and left 43 days later. Both my parents are passed and my only family is my adult son who is stationed 19 hours away. I too wanted to be part of a family...until after the nuptials and witnessed the dysfunction firsthand. Whoa!
This guy you're with could be the twin brother of the enmeshed guy I accidentally married...I say 'accidentally' because I can laugh at it now...laugh at my foolishness to believe him and laugh because I can laugh now and that I got my beautiful life and happiness back after 5 yrs of lies that were carefully covered up as he and I lived three hours apart.
On paper...married 2 months....took 4 months to get divorced. It wasn't cheap! There's a funny meme that says 'the look on my face when I realize my divorce took longer than the marriage lasted' I called it the price of freedom.
Save your money, save your sanity, save your life because they will continue to try hard to break you, ignore you and exclude you until you have no choice but leave...flee...run..bolt...
The only advice is
This is the way it is. It will never change . No talking, no trying to make sense of this will do no good
So either you aseptic it, always being on the outsid. And not complaining about it or you exit and find another SO.
I think you need to consider
I think you need to consider that this may not be the relationship for you. You want to be a part of a family, his family doesn't want to include you.
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through this. I understand what it is like to just want to be part of a family and it is completely reasonable to want that and expect that from your partner. Being excluded, even on a covert basis, is bullying. It is subtle and designed to make you feel less than. Your fiance saying that he is caught in the middle is the most common come back from these enmeshed dads and it is infuriating that they appear to genuinely believe that they do not have any part to play in it, when in fact it is all their doing. Your fiance should demand that you be included in the photos as well and that you are included in all gatherings, or else he will remove himself too. It should be a given, however no 'hearts to hearts' will make him see that unless he feels it and works it out for himself.
If you have time on your hands, and resources to have counselling on your own, then wait it out and see what happens, but if you want to feel part of a family and get married pronto, then move on. A good way to gauge whether to stay or go is to assess whether the relationship is good 75% of the time. If less than that it is not worth it.
Thank you. We do not get a
Thank you. We do not get a long the majority of the time. We love spending time together. It is just when his kids are involved that we end up arguing. However, we do not see them on a daily basis. It apparently did get heated between them because she apologized in a text to him tonight. She asked him to tell her what he wanted and she would do. She said that she doesn't want to hurt her mom's feelings. There fore, that told me she does the excluding on purpose. I'm going to let it die down for a little bit. If I want to go to a get together, I will. However, I am not going to be expected to because he wants me to. He has told them that if I am not invited, he will not go. They have invited me now to everything that he has been asked. Besides his children, we have no other issues. He is great with my teenage son. I love his grandkids too.. He goes with me to visit my mom in memory care every time I go and took me every time I received a call from the deputies in the middle of the night because of her calling them or someone calling them because mom was hallucinating. He never complained.
Sorry. We do get a long
Sorry. We do get a long majority of the time! Lol
If he throws you
Under the bus now, he always will ..and the step kids never go away. My stbx dh complained that he was in the middle too. Not true. Husband and wife are ONE UNIT. My stbx showed me that he would not defend me to his horrible kids, therefore I was never gonna be his priority. You have to decide if you forever want to take a back seat to his kids or not. It won't ever change. Even if you have bio kids with him.
For me, only being dh's no. 1 when his kids weren't around wasn't good enough for me. Being a part time wife wasn't what I signed up for. He refused to defend me to his kids, I asked him to a lot. Your SO is showing you how he will treat you forever. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker. If you don't like how things are now, remember they probably won't change. Daddys can be enmeshed with their former family kids and prioritize them ABOVE wife. If he can't be a UNTIED front with you, you n him against the world TOGETHER, including kids, is that what you want?
I imagine it is hard to think of life without him. But think 5 years from now if you are married it may be harder to leave then. Don't waste time on a wonderful guy who doesn't put you first before all other ppl. There are wonderful guys out there who do put spouse first.
This Happens To Many of Us, You're Not Alone
To them we don't exist, so if they purposely leave us out of the pictures, it's symbolic of how they see (or don't) us.
As for your man being in the middle, he CHOOSES to be in the middle. He's not man enough to take a stand for the relationship he has with you, and honestly, I don't think he ever will choose you over his kids. He's already stated if you can't get along, then you can't get married.
You've triumphed over cancer, and that is quite and accomplishment! Congratulations! You're here for a reason, but I don't think he and his kids are THE reason.
Sorry you've lost both parents, but dementia can be hereditary. Ask yourself if you have only one year left, would you want it to be spent like it is currently?