Disgusted and Hurt

:jawdrop: Ok ..I have one question ... Me and my step daughter have some history . The history is she is Ran by her mom. But that is not the problem .. It was just me and her father's 1 st anniversary .. So i said to her hey did you forget our anniversary She says no i texted my dad ... Should she have called me too or at least aknowledged it .. We both have facebook .. and everyone under the sun wished us except her

Tired of being 2nd's blog
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I don't think this is a big

I don't think this is a big deal; but I don't think birthdays, anniversarys, etc. are a big deal. I don't ever wish a happy anniversary to my own parents or anyone else for that matter, I've always felt like anniversaries are more intimate between the couple. So, I wouldn't care or loose sleep over it. If it makes you feel better; dont wish her a happy birthday when the time rolls around }:)

Thanks .. but then i would

Thanks .. but then i would feel childish . But that is what i said ..lol ... She has lived with me for 6 years ./ she moved out over a graduation party because she invited half of the highschhol on facebook. so since then it's been rocky .. i have been in her life since she was 4 years old ... I think she is a user , she had the audacity to come to my beach house brought her boyfriend and didn't talk to me the whole week ... Then calls my husband and says are you having a party for me or what .. The irony of it is No one showed up .. just my family and friends / so then i asked her Did you send Thank You cards She says to me ... my dad never mentioned it .. i don't know how to move forward in this relation ship .. she treats me like shit and i just ignore her when she is in my home.

I don't think you can move

I don't think you can move forward in a relationship like that. Any relationship involves effort from both sides. I think you'll drive yourself crazy trying to force something to evolve in a positive direction here when she seemingly doesn't want that to happen. It may feel childish, heck it probably is childish... but I personally would treat her the same as she treats you. Sorry I don't have awesome advice, it's just what I would do

my 3 children wished us a

my 3 children wished us a happy anniversary .. so what's the difference

Wow .. Everyone has said the

Wow .. Everyone has said the same thing .. Disengage .. I am going too .. i thought i have but i guess i was foolish to think that there was some sort of chance .. after todays visit i would say not .

heh - I couldn't even tell

heh - I couldn't even tell you what month my dad and SM's anniversary is - and they've been married for almost 40 years.

I wouldn't get my panties in a twist over something like that.

No There untwisted .. i just

No There untwisted .. i just think it's everything .. I have done alot for her / her mom was a crack head .. She was in our wedding .. What happen is we didn't allow her to have half of our high school in my back yard . So she packed her bags and moved back wiht her mom. She thought that she was going to still drive around in my car with my registration... i have tried my best but i am going to move on .. I just feel bad for my hubby because he is in the middle . Do you think that she should talk to me I ask her a question and i am ignored / so its much more than anniversaries / i still through her a grad party .. And i got nothing not even a thank u ... / I guess maybe it's I raised my children how to be polite Where she raised her self until she moved here 7 years ago ... Thanks for listening ..

In that case - I understand

In that case - I understand where you are coming from. This isn't about your anniversary. This is about an ungrateful SD that refuses to acknowledge even your anniversary.

Disengage. It is the only answer at this point. This girl has shown her colors - she is not going to appreciate anything you do for her.

Sorry - sometimes people really suck.

My bio dad always reminded me

My bio dad always reminded me about he and my SM's anniversary I have never acknowledged it ever in like 30 years when I was little it was because I hated my SM and had good reason to, now as and adult I have told my dad "it's your anniversary you and your wife it's a celebration of the things between you and it feels really weird you want me to give a gift or card or call her it's always been weird I won't bother so please stop asking and instead enjoy your anniversary the way it should be focused on your wife."
It just seems weird I never expected nor do I think ever on there own did my bio kids say anything or celebrate give gifts or congratulations to their dad and I during our marriage I just see it as a celebration for the couple not like a group thing.

What does your bio dad say

What does your bio dad say when you don't aknowledge it ... anything ?? and can i ask why ?? Do you aknowledge her birthday , Xmas ???? Does she aknowledge you..

Yup, sounds about right. To

Yup, sounds about right. To your teenage SD, you have done NOTHING for her. She won't be able to recall a damn thing that you've sacrificed or gone out of your way to help her, because she won't have to show you any respect or gratitude that way. It really doesn't matter if you've been the only consistent mother figure in her life, and BM has been a piece of shit. You're NOT her mother, so you don't even register on her radar.

It is f*cking heartbreaking. I am going through this as we speak. I can't even begin to describe the emotional and physical turmoil I have endured since going no-contact with SD almost four months ago. She made the choice, she continues to want nothing to do with us (me, her dad, her two sisters), and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it, except wait it out. Maybe she'll come around. Maybe not. But we have to live in the meantime, and spending time thinking about what SD might be thinking about is just madness. I agree with the other posters, pull back from her. Your SD is hurting you, and you need to take the power to do so away from her.

i love that i am going to

i love that i am going to live by that one ..

thanks ... it's not that easy

thanks ... it's not that easy ... it's easier said then done But honeslty i have been trying .. I even deleted my facebook so i won't check on her site

Thank you .. I have pulled

Thank you .. I have pulled away .. But when she comes to my house . My hubby like watches me to see if i aknowledge her . I do say hi , He does nothing . She has hurt me took advantage of us .. My own daughter has pulled away from her also , and not because of me Because soon as my daughter stopped paying for sd or giving her rides or what ever she has walked away.. I just don't know what to do when she is in my home . Or i am at my beach house . She told me that i go out of my way to make people feel uncomfortable ( this was graduation time) .. so she was angry with me because i told her that the only one she cares about is her mom..And that she does anythign her mom wants her to do . It is public fact .So why would she want to come and spend time at my beach house with my family and friends / She took her own tent and put it up at the back of the yard and only came around when it was time to eat. She even brought her freaking boyfriend... they ate lobster/ did what ever they wanted .. But hubby says well why do you care why you so mad .. If i make her feel uncomfortable and she had to move out of my house ... why would she want to go spend a week on my dime in a close nit house .... I know the answer but i need to see it in writing .. because my hubby makes me feel like it's all me ...

Thanks .. You just made me

Thanks .. You just made me laugh . luv it ..

I deal with something similar

I deal with something similar with my soon to be SD. Last year, around this time, I stumbled on this site and it saved my sanity. Right now, I am planning my wedding to FDH. Naturally, he wants his daughter to be included in our big day. Fine. But every time anyone brings up our wedding around her she talks about how much weddings suck and are boring, and just basically puts on a big crappy attitude. So I have this solution... I will get her a dress to be a junior bridesmaid and include her in the day, but I am making no effort whatsoever to include her in all of the fun planning events. Why give her the opportunity to shit on my happiness? No point. Disengage, buy yourself a copy of "Stepmonster," pour yourself a big glass of wine and IGNORE HER ASS!

Isn't it less about the

Isn't it less about the anniversary, and more about the lack of acknowledgement anytime someone else has something to celebrate? I was bothered this year when SD failed to say anything in regards to our anniversary, but I was MUCH more angry that she couldn't be bothered to wish her dad a happy birthday. And I'm sure that as time goes by, and more milestones are ignored by her, it will get easier. She's extricated herself from our lives, and we need to let her.

It doesn't seem childish to me if you invest less of yourself into your SD's "big days", as families are about reciprocation and love. If you're getting neither from SD, then it seems like you'd be setting yourself up for disappointment by putting a lot of effort into her stuff. I'm really sorry that you are dealing with this, btw, I'm in the same boat. I've been in my SD17.5's life since age 2, and for several of those years she lived with us. I did all of the mom "stuff", and put myself way out there. I really should have kept her at arm's length, because subconsciously I knew that if BM came back on the scene, SD would chose her over us. And that's exactly what happened. It cost us a lot, in so many ways, to fight for her, so she could live a normal-ish life. But now I can't care, because the pain of it will consume me.

Thanks .. That is exactly

Thanks .. That is exactly what happened. I am going to just keep taking care of my needs . It's just when she is sitting in my home and she ignores me /but i do ignore her too, It really bothers me I am over sensitive and just want the world to be alright. which i know it isn't .. I have a son who has messed up big time , i am more forgiven to him than her , Since she has been old enough i always feel that they are secretive her and hubby I walk in the room and it's silent, i leave they start talking i have brought it up many of times but they say r u crazy ....When she left our home back to her mom . My hubby even said good maybe there won't be stress anymore. He didn't want to take her .. I told him she is your child not gramma's ( mom's mom ) We found out the mom was out of town for 6 months ( rehab) .. Mom use to tell the daughter that we were drunks and i was a bad mom ( we found out for that time she was trying to take teh heat off of her self she was a crack head ... I have three healthy college kids. i own my own home for 25 years . Mom was a very jealous /evil / controlling person. I am so thank ful that the child is in college and MOM Can't control my house any longer

Maybe it was just how i was

Maybe it was just how i was Raised W/ Respect .. I just think it's common courtesy. Especially when you are family. Funny how every aquaintance recognized it but because she is the SD .. She doesn't have to .. But i have learned it's not her importance it's me and my husbands. That's ok . She doesn't aknowledge not just anniversaries, Birthdays, Christmas Mother's DAy ... I raised her here in my home W/ her dad ... Yes now it's my hubby's and my home but it was mine for the last 25 years. I took her into my house / I welcomed her when her mother left the state. It's ok .. I am glad i am here because once again It's all about PERCEPTION .. Some times you need to just see it ...

Good One ... I luv it ... my

Good One ... I luv it ... my hubby is a great sTep dad .. he has a better relationship with my children then wtih his own , i think because they aknowledge him , they luv him unonditionally. Sad thing about this whole situation is this child luved me to death , And her mother told her when she was round 6 . You are not there to visit SM you are there for your dad. So that's when it all went to the shits. she would tell me she didn't have to listen to me ( please put on your seat belt) .. My daughter would say you have to listen she is my mom. She would tell me YOU ARE NOT MY MOM >> finally we would tell her You do the visit not mom I told her It's what you want to make of it . You would like to have a great weekend well then let's do it. IN another instant .. Pumpkin picking .. we were waiting for my kids to come back from there dad ( a whole nother world) ? ... but they were running late So i said to SDD come on we'll go and take her alone. I said to her come on pick a big pumpkin for yourself to take home .. She said NO .. 6 years old , My mom is taking me tomorrow .... WE were set up for sabbotage from the beginning. We all use to make Xmas decorations for their parents ..So it was something from the kids ( She blew that one WE stopped ) .. She has taking alot from us . I honestly think it's because of her mom. She controlled everything in our life .. The child lived here with us jr. prom . Mom said you are getting ready here at my house .. I was like no she lives with us . We do a big thing with the kids .. She missed out because she wasn't allowed to get ready here .. She couldn't even come to my house for pics . We had to go to our neighbors , I could pay for her hair to get done but i couldn't take her .. Is it me ?????? lololol I feel it's her mom' and She has killed our relationship ! So now it's up to SD to make the mends .. But i don't see it happen .. Now she is away at college talks to her dad very weekly ( when needed ) $$$$ ,

what does DH Mean ??

I forget my parent's

I forget my parent's anniversary but I still call/send a gift on birthdays. My parents don't wish me happy anniversary, either.

Great Where have you been

Great Where have you been my last 16 years ... lol See this is why i am on this site and i am realizing it now ... Thank you ...

i Did ask her yesterday ...

i Did ask her yesterday ... lol .. just to see her reaction of course it was what i figured. Exactly , When it's our families, Bday, holidays it'a big celebration .. Just time for us all get together. But i will be leaving her out of my celebrations because it's just not anniversaries She doesn't acknowledge anyone or thing unless it's about her . But her dad expects me to put on the same spread for her .. IT" Over the phat lady is singing ... For christmas we get dollar tree / She walks out the door to her mom's she got Macy's ... speaking of apple and oranges .. It's just hurts and i just want to know how to move on without divorcing her dad. Because i luv him dearly . We do great together ... Until it comes to her ..??

I totally feel you on that

I totally feel you on that one too. DH and I have two DD's (2 & 12), and we have spent their entire lives waiting and planning events around when SD might grace us with her presence. It has been extremely frustrating, and this is the first year in our sixteen years together that we are doing things on our own timeframe. Feels GREAT!!

Last Christmas, BM wasn't speaking to SD for some infraction or another, and SD was understandably upset over it. To have a mother that will just cut her kid out of her life, not even give the courtesy of a simple explanation of what went wrong, and won't answer when called, had to be very difficult for her. We tried to make it a wonderful holiday in spite of it all, and had SD in weekly counseling. For a few weeks leading up to Christmas day, SD was holed up in her room working on "projects". We knew she didn't have much money for gifts, so I took her to the craft store to get some supplies for handmade gifts.

On Christmas morning, the kids opened their gifts from us, and DH and I opened gifts from our DD12. There was NOTHING under the tree for ANY of us from SD. We weren't expecting anything big, but for crying out loud, I had purchased the supplies for gift making! It dawned on me at that moment that those items and all the time she spent went towards gifts for BM and BM's kids.

I asked her later what she had been working on, and she showed me an enormous collage she'd made for BM, cards, wall hangings, and scarves she'd crocheted for each of BM's kids. It was so clear that SD put the effort there to avoid being chastised by BM, because she knew we'd react (or not react) like adults, whereas BM would throw a fit if SD didn't bend over backward for her.

You know, it really hurt my feelings at the time. I felt really sad for DD12 especially, because she had gotten SD a really nice gift. But now, I really just feel sorry for SD. Her BM's love is NOT unconditional. SD walks on eggshells around her at all times. She's terrified of upsetting BM to the point of being frozen with fear. She can barely make a decision for herself, and she'll legally be an adult in less than six months, and should be able to take care of herself for the most part. But she is grossly unprepared for the real world, and there's nothing we can do.

I guess my point is that if your SD has a BM that's like my SD's, I feel bad for her. These girls are walking around with an insane amount of inner turmoil, and are lacking in confidence, big time. I don't say that to excuse the bad behavior, they'll learn common courtesy, at some point, the hard way. I'm just saying that taking it personally is causing you undue pain. It's not about you, it's about SD's loyalty conflicts and vice-gripped heart.

Wow, that is weird, we always

Wow, that is weird, we always acknowledged our parents anniversary . . . no gift but at least saying, 'happy anniversary'!

and SD has acknowledged ours several times over the years, not every year.

Now if I could just get DH on board lol!

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