Need advice
Married 15 years; we are seniors. Husband had 20 year old daughter at time of our marriage, now she is 35, married with grandson. She lost her mother to suicide and her father and I got together a few months afterwards. Father and daughter could not be closer, and if pushed, he would choose her (not surprisingly). Our marriage is a good relationship (we have a lot in common and both of us are caring, thoughtful, reasonable people) but I have had to accept my husband's inability to be forceful when needed in dealing with his daughter (who is quite forceful, dare I say pushy). He is also not good at understanding -- on his own -- my situation vis-a-vis his family which has the strong wall between the blood relatives and the second class in-laws, and he doesn't see how his daughter relates (or doesn't mainly) with me. Despite trying my hardest to befriend any of them (including her), I am still a stranger to them, very much the outsider. I also try very hard to give them lots of time together without me. Her family lives three states away and she has been urging him (us) to move there. Neither one of us wants to do that now as we have full lives where we live. She has also urged us to build a unit in our backyard so they can stay there (and thus come more often and stay longer).
Their last visit was a week where they stayed in a hotel. The visit was all fine with my husband. It was horribly difficult for me, demanding emotionally and physically (I have several health issues). We both love our adorable 3 year old grandchild. My husband loves both his grandchild and daughter very much, more than me, and I have tried hard to stay away from putting him in the middle, which he complained of for years when we argued more about these things. Since they left I have not been able to shake the visit and have been obsessing about various things that were said and fears of her forcing her way more into my/our lives. I have an inflammatory condition that has now flared up as it does with stress.
I have not shared this with my husband as he wants very much for us to get along and for me to share time with the grandchild, which can't help but bring me into contact with his daughter. He does not know the degree that she causes stress for me. I was planning to keep silent and try to participate in the almost daily phone calls until a new visit is planned, at which time I was going to tell him about my worsened health and ask that I can spend time with friends during the visit. This will greatly sadden him because, as I said, he wants us to be together. And it will heighten her dislike of me because it puts pressure on them not to visit so often, and she will see that as separating her child from her grandpa. She is also hinting at moving here. I don't know if I should anticipate this and ask my husband if he would like that and explain that that wouldn't work for me in the hopes of being a united front. (This is further complicated because we were talking about moving to Canada at the beginning of next year because my husband is a Canadian citizen, so maybe I am worrying for nothing because we wouldn't be here anyway.)
So my health may make it impossible not to bring this up sooner, rather than later. All thoughts, comments appreciated. I am going to more seriously take up my meditation practice.
I just want to say it sucks
I just want to say it sucks that he puts them before you. That is all. I wish i had advice that would help.
Regardless of outcomes, keep
Regardless of outcomes, keep meditating. Every day. Even when you have no problems. When the problems pop up they are so much easier to deal with.
At this stage of my life, I would not waste a second of it on a man who puts his married adult daughter over me, his wife. I would find a way to live on my own in peace, and at my current age look at the future to make sure I am provided for when I may not be thinking clearly.
My only goal, since I was a kid in a chaotic household, was to live in peace. I currently have it, and no middle aged SD is going to ruin it.
But my bottom line rule now is I won't be a second class citizen in anyone's life or family. If my DH puts his DDs ahead of our marriage he can get lost. I have grown adult children also who don't act like his. I would have no problem setting up a household closest to my child who I is most likely to stay put, and I have no interest in intruding on his life and making sure I am #1.
Are you able to take care of yourself in case your DH decides to keep worshipping his DD? Make sure you have options.
It's not the dad's role to soothe the feelings of an adult daughter. If she has problems with her mother's deaht, and I can understand that she would, she should get therapy rather than rely on dad to make everything all better.
It's hard to say how bad things are for you at this point based on the info provided. I am a senior, and all I can say is ask yourself every day is this how you wish to live your remaining days. I might have a few decades left. It's going to be spent living in peace. My middle aged SDs can be part of the peace or they can stay away.
Make an appointment with your
Make an appointment with your specialist and take DH to that appointment. Let the Doc explain it all to him including the impact of stress on your health and your condition. Then in front of the Doc inform DH that every time his daughter invades your marriage you have flare ups.
Inform him, also in front of the Doc, that as your husband he needs to help you manage your condition by keeping his daughter under control and managing the interface with her and how it impacts you and the marriage.
That way it is the Doc that informs him of your condition and the impact of stress. You tie his DD to that stress.
If he ends it, then good riddance. No wife should be second to anyone else in their marriage and no husband should put anyone or anything before his wife and the marriage.
Take care of you.
Windy, I can relate to every
Windy, I can relate to every word you say. My SD and DH are also very close, and I am the outsider, AND I have an inflammatory condition that flares due to stress. SD and her family live several states away, and I dread when we go to visit them. I'm much better when they come to our house. DH does not expect me to cook, clean, or entertain them. I love the grands and fool with them more than he does, And SD is a good houseguest -- cleans up after herself and disciplines her children and we have pleasant if superficial conversations. I have no objections.
We're also talking about retiring and movng closer to them. My own kids live within an hour or so of SD too, so in that way it makes sense. DH and I talk about boundaries and what that looks like. We can talk all day and I still have a legitimate fear that he will blow right past them. "Oh, I didn't know you meant THAT." "But this is DIFFERENT." Etc.
I am pretty upfront with DH about my interaction with his kids and have made peace with being an outsider. Honestly, I don't want to be in their little club anyway. His kids are not blatantly rude to me, but I am invisible at best, and generally in the way since I am a barrier to unfettered access to their father. They don't ask for money, but they do expect DH to do what they tell him to do, right down to paint color for our bathroom. And he is so eager to please them that he jumps as high as he can. It's ridiculous.
He is aware that stress brings on health issues for me, and he's good about asking what I need and what he can do for me, and I've learned to ask for what I need. Asking and doing are sometimes two different things, but I am not shy about reminding him that I need his support and attention. When we visit them, I also need time alone, which works out great for everybody. They get Daddy and I get to recharge my sanity and rest.
I think the best thing you have for your DH is loving honesty. Approach the discussion from what you need, with no mention of how you feel about his daughter. Example: DH, in order to care for my health it would be better for me to spend time with friends when SD visits. I want you and she to have as much time together as you can, but it's hard for me to be around that. So, I'm going to make arrangements with Best Friend to spend a few days with her.
If you don't think he'll hear you or think he'll get upset, find a neutral third party counselor who can help with the conversation and help the two of you find solutions. But don't go into this next phase of your life walking on eggshells or sacrificing your health so that you don't dissapoint your DH. The things you need and the emotions you have are just as real as his.