Marriage and all the baggage.
Most of it mine. So SD got engaged several months ago and hinted that they would have a small wedding or destination wedding. DH remarked at the time that he hoped it was due to her concerns about him and his ex. They had a really really awful divorce with loads of court and parental alienation. His kids refused to attend our own wedding.
fast forward now to today. SD calls and tells DH she and fiancé getting married next week out of state. BY THEMSRLVES. Of course DH says he is thrilled. Yada yada. He never probes or questions them. They are golden.
Me? I find it weird and it triggers my own sadness at lack of FIRST wedding. My first was done on the cheap without my parents involvement because my mother was outraged I married out of our religion. It set the tone for years. I always felt my in laws resented it. Their only son getting married in a shitty little restaurant.
anyway. I have to wonder if SD is doing this because of baggage surrounding parents divorce and I don't think SD is pregnant. DH and ex have not seen each other in over 10 years. Other thought is that SD fiancé family is intact and very close. I am sure they might be devastated they can't share in sons wedding?
I want to discuss this with my own daughter. Don't want the cycles repeated.
Correction.
DH hoped it was NOT due
DH
DH is out cutting the grass. I stirred the pot too much. Honestly I would NOT want to go to a big wedding or god forbid try to pay for it but I do sense this is a mistake because looking back at my own first wedding I think likely one partner is desperate to avoid family drama at the expense of the other partner and their family. Not good to start off.
And I started talking about it with my own late 20's daughter. She finds it weird and says she understands about having to navigate all the parents and steps. We adults don't make it easy for our kids.
It's probably something else
I'm guessing SD snd fiance's decision is based on something else, perhaps finances. Personally, I take it as a good sign of maturity since I think most weddings are an extravagant waste of money and energy. DH and I were married out of state and it was just us, too. Best wishes to them for a long and happy life.
In our 5-kid family, our record is: SD61: first wedding large, result: divorce. Second narriage, private out of state ceremony, large reception, result: divorce. SS59: 2 private ceremonies, first result : divorce, second: going strong. DS58: large wedding, still married. DD56: private wedding, still married. SS55: destination wedding, result: divorce.
IMHO if is fine for a couple to elope and make it about them.
My nephew and his wife did just that a few weeks ago. My parents eloped, my DW and I eloped, so my nephew's concerns about upsetting his mother and GrandMother (My mom) I was able to somewhat mitigate by reminding him of this.
However, He could have handled it in a more mature manner. His sister got on him about that. I told him to contact those in the family he had not yet told directly and just tell them.
IMHO the primary reason for the elopement is his wife. She is a COD, raised mainly by her elderly father while her BM married a cheesy car saleseman and had 3 or 4 much younger children. Her next younge sib is about 15yrs younger than her with the youngest in the middle single digit age range. Her mother is very overbearing and would make the wedding about her.
So, they eloped.
I think you're projecting
I think you're projecting your feelings onto them. My parents eloped to Vegas and 30+ years later don't have a single regret. I had the white wedding and wish I'd just taken the money my parents offered me instead. DH honestly didn't care one way or the other what kind of wedding we had.
You don't know for sure why they want the wedding they want. It may have nothing to do with family drama. Maybe they just don't like being the center of attention, or they'd rather use the money for something else. Maybe fiance's parents are fully supportive of what they're doing. In any event, it's their decision. I'd wish them well and move on.
Weddings bring out feelings
Weddings bring out feelings in everyone.
The lingering feelings you had after your wedding could be something you instill in SD and her husband for similar reasons. Break the chain by letting them do it their way and not making it about you.
Be happy and ask if they are going to do a reception for family later or something like that.
I have NO relationship
With my husbands children. I guess I'm sharing my thoughts about what I see. And yes I am PROJECTING my issues onto this situation.
I do divorce influences everyone affected by it. Especially our kids.
I also think if I only could know then what I know NOW. LOL. I'm getting more reflective in my old age.
Weighing in ...
... with the "wedding ... meh" folks. Yes you're projecting. What they do is their business. Be grateful you're not expected to contribute financially, and beyond that let it go as much as you can. Save your energy for getting wound around the axles of the real step drama coming your way as surely as death and taxes.
Sounds like you lucked out.
Sounds like you lucked out. No money grabs, no awkward photos recreating the First Family, no chance of a skid sticking you at the back table...you won the stepkid wedding lottery, my friend.
We eloped
And it was FABULOUS.
We did it due to lack of $$. Bought a house instead.
My BD went to Town Hall. Her
My BD went to Town Hall. Her and her now-H/ my SIL just got me and his parents there. ( my DH had died 5+ mos. Before) BD and her H both had been married before/ they wanted simple. We were delighted
My SD? All she does is gripe as she wont marry her SO as he has a child who most likely wind up in a group home. She doesn't want the " attachment" ( now that I look back, she didn't want her dad to marry me... it's a theme with her)
The cost of the wedding has nothing to do with the quality of
The cost of the wedding has nothing to do with the quality of the commitment.
My first wedding was a multiple 5 $figure event of the season. Hundreds of guests. It lasted 2.5 years and should have only lasted one night.
My current marriage is 28 years and growing. We spent $500 and eloped to Lake Tahoe. We did tell friends and family when and where it was if they wanted to join us. Besides DW, SS and I, there were 8 others. My brother, his wife, and my baby niece, my mom, DW's aunt and uncle, and my college BFF and his GF. Quick easy, low stress, in a beautiful location and .... cheap.
The wedding price tag certainly helped me to pay off my engineering school loans in a hurry.
My mom and dad eloped and had their 60th anniversary this summer.
Weddings do not have to be about a huge family, etc... They can be just about the couple. The license is the same.