I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER allow this. I would cancel the wedding before I would have the EX there. If you feel strongly enough about this, then you need to 'grow a set' and just say NO. If the boy doesn't come, then so be it. This is your day to shine bright.

Just my opinion, Best wishes, Jo

I also could not agree to that. I would rather cancel the wedding. That's one perfect example where men are so whipped by BM that they can't even see that's absolutely inconsiderate to you. They bend over backwards to cater to the selfish needs of such controlling women. Hopefully BM behaves herself if the wedding goes on. That's messed up.

Marriage Rule #1
No one that has slept with either bride or groom is allowed at any wedding. PERIOD

I would under no circumstances ever allow BM to be present at my wedding. I'd rather not get married than have her there. That's a huge invasion of my personal life and there is no reason she should be there.

Did BF invite her, or did she invite herself and he agreed?

It just kills me how far out of their way our men go to do things they think will keep the bi#$% at bay. I don't see how he could NOT understand that this is hugely disrespectful to you!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Yep, I'm on the same page... HELL NO!

Eloping may be an option...

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

and there is no way in hell the ex's will be there I have to agree with marriage rule no. 1 if you have slept with bride or groom on invite period!!!! I am actually considering the whole eloping thing so not to have to deal with all the drama. Just food for thought

Crys

I don't know what to say....except I put my foot down and took the chance of saying no way to her coming to ours and I do not regret my decision. Although the woman still managed to make her presence known because she sent the kids with a very intimate gift for us. (I almost vomited. DH thought it wsa sweet, I thought it was unnecessary.)

But, I will say that there was a situation when we were engaged where he could have either stood up for me...or let ex and kids get their way...and DH chose the ex and kids and guess what...That was a mistake. I should have given him back the ring and said..when you are ready to be divorced from that woman and to put my feelings as a priority than and only then will we get married.

Seriously, if you aren't a priority now...you never will be...and I for one, should have known that my feelings need to be priority in my marriage (as I put my hubbys feelings first over anyone elses.) and we are suffering big time now. I set the precedence that it's okay to not consider my feelings first...please don't do that. Your feelings need to come first..whether you are right or wrong...whether the ex is the sweetest bestest friend ever at this point....whether there is bond, or history etc. Let him know there will be no future history with you if he chooses to invite her for the sake of the kid. The kid doesn't need his mommy there.
I feel horrible for you....cause I know how it feels.

If your wishes don't take priority on the WEDDING DAY, it's unlikely they will EVER take priority. I'm not saying don't marry him, I'm just saying that you really don't want to step off on the wrong foot when you walk down that aisle, because it won't change after the wedding. You guys have to come to a meeting of the minds on this ASAP. Don't start your new life together with any misgivings.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

First of all, you definitely need to lay down the law per se and tell fiance she is NOT invited to attend your wedding. No way, no how. I got married last August and I would have thought my husband was smoking crack if he insisted BM attend our wedding. I mean, the wedding is all about the bride, right? It is your say, honey, and you need to milk the fact that you're the bride and you NEED to get your way! I'm sure once he realizes how upset you are, he will understand.

Now, as for how to deal with BM not attending...How are you going to announce your engagement? Through a newspaper or something? You should maybe state in the announcement that "so and so will be married on mm/dd/yy in a private ceremony." Don't include the name of the church or the time. And then definitely do NOT send her an invitation. I mean, I've always been raised to where you do NOT attend unless you get an invitation. And maybe get your fiance to discuss arrangements for SS on the day of the wedding - have him ask who will be "dropping him off"...that should be crystal clear that she is not invited.

I know how stressful planning a wedding can be - go ahead and get this mess resolved so you can start enjoying some of it! Good Luck!

But it sounds like this is not going to be the only hurtle. This is going to set the stage for your marriage. And if you aren't willing to accept this as for what it is, then you shouldn't be getting married. This will fester and develop into something else. This will always be in the back of your mind, and something you will draw on when things get rough. If you can learn to let it go, you'll be okay, but you have to work through this one way or another.

Now, is there someone that can keep BM occupied, bombard her with 'family' that can handle her and keep her so consumed that she will be in the distance? Have people take turns with her? That may be something to consider and she will be in a 'controlled' environment.

I really see your side of things, and I also see the other side of things. But I would be very alarmed because this is setting a precedence for your marriage of how things are going to be unfortunately.

I feel for you. This would have been a deal breaker for me. If this happened to me, I'd call the wedding off. Eloping would be a good idea! But that is me. You will have to really search your heart on this one. Keep us posted. I am with you on this. I would be very upset too. Hugs to you.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

and then tell hubby in no uncertain terms will you marry him while his exwife is witness. I swear to you....I made the mistake of giving in once and Stepmom hit the nail on the head!!! I always draw on that incident and it still hurts to think he threw me under the bus when push came to shove! And yes, he is a wonderful father and has a good heart; he did it for "his children" because he has the guilt that divorced dads have, but that memory may really never go away for me (and you if she is at your wedding)..and how crappy is that to start a marriage off with that memory? You'll always know he put her desire about yours? NOOO NOOO NOOO.

And the kid is 12!!!??? Holy crap. Don't buy into her b.S. My hubby also thought his ex would love to see his kids in our wedding party...Give me a break!! See a photo when it's over....This exwife also wanted to go to the same vacation spots with them (diff. hotel room) when their kids were little because she didn't want to miss any of their experiences....DUH....And DH went along because he felt sorry for her and accomodated her cause HE wanted the divorce..not her. AGH.....When does it end? When do YOU come first? I am begging my hubby not to still has visitation at the exes house (they are 15, 16) and he still hasn't accomodated my wishes yet! I am just afraid for you. IF he can't accomodate your wishes before you get married...he won't do it afterwards. That's fact.

Do NOT let this happen - it will set the stage for your marriage. Hold firm - the ex has no right to expect to be at the wedding. However, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to say to your fiance that this is your day and ex wives, ex girlfriends, ex infatuations make you uncomfortable. It's OKAY to stand your ground and it's OKAY to feel the way that you do. The skid will be okay-you can involve him in the wedding and believe me he will forget all about his BM during that time. This is the time to create and solidy your partnership with your new DH and your new Skid. Tell your fiance that it's about new beginnings and that this is the time for the two of you to start that new beginning.

It the BM has been invited then UNINVITE HER - again it's okay. I personally uninvited BM to our wedding reception and a couple of family functions b4 she took the hint. Expect that BM will argue back: she has rearranged her schedule, she's there for support, etc. Hold firm. Now is the time to be vunerable and tell your fiance how important this decision is to you.

I agree with Bonus Wife - if fiance won't support you now he won't in the future. And if that is the case: run like hell!

lynne

Just a thought...

got any exs around? I think you should up the anty by inviting one of YOUR exes... without informing your fiance until after the fact...

Oh, but honey, he's my best friend. He HAS to be there. He knows EVERYTHING about me.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Oh honey...make one up!!! Say it slipped your mind to mention him all this time....when you broke up, it broke your heart and you tried to forget him...Anyway, he recently called to catch up...and he'd like to come and bring his new fiance!! Hee hee.......

Say that he's single and lonely and misses his best friend. He really wants to be there for you in this stressful and difficult time! You guys were so close and he knows everything about you, why wouldn't he come? Hell you could even say he wants to take you out to dinner a few weeks before the wedding...

But seriously, hun, I agree with Step Mom and Bonus Wife. Listen to what Bonus Wife is saying. She made the mistake and now she's still trying to fix it. It may never get fixed. I just don't want to see you five years from now on here saying your husband invited BM on vacation with you guys.

There are things called "deal breakers", the one circumstance that decides whether you do or don't do something. One of our best customers got to talking to me one day, and we got on the subject of marriage. She brought up her first husband and how he cheated on her. She put up with it and pretended she didn't know for a while, which of course only made things worse and made him more bold. One summer, her husband asked her if he could bring his girlfriend on vacation with them. That's when she filed for divorce.

Now I know he's not cheating on you or anything but considering how he has a habit of bending over backwards for her, I really see this wedding as the fulcrum which could either be the turning point or keep things on the same track as they are. The precedent will be set either way you go. If you allow her to be there, the precedent will be set that her feelings come before yours. If you find a way to not let her be there, hopefully your fiance will grow some balls and stand up to her a little more after that.

And then there's always the option that you could just let her come anyway and "get over it" so-to-speak, make the best of the situation as it stands...but with how upset you are I really don't see that as a viable option because you'd probably still feel slighted and disrespected.

This is a really crappy predicament for you to be in. Keep us posted because we all care about you!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Sore subject..I asked my DH to please not bring me anywhere he brought his ex in the past. I wanted OUR experiences to be completely new. But I love him and he wound up sweettalking me into going to Disney for our "family honeymoon." Of course I knew he had been there a few times before with the ex and kids when they were little, and even his ex gf and kids and then a month just before we met, he said the ex was on a business trip and he also went - stayed in a diff. hotel..and when she was in business he took the kids...they traded on and off....I asked if they hung out together.."Of course NOT!" Well, lo and behold on my family honeymoon, dribs and drabs of the truth came out..Not only did the share similar itineraries but it fell on his birthday and the ex bought champagne (at the kids request for daddy) and the had a little party together in her room. They did dinner together a few times but it was also with her coworkers (so that makes it ok I guess) and they went to the park the same nights. I was shocked.....he blatantly didn't tell me the details of that trip and he lied. Am I that gullible and naive? Why don't we ever go with our gut instincts? I knew something didn't sound right when he first told me.

What does that tell me? That he didn't give a flying fu** for my request...he figured, what I don't know, won't hurt. Now my honeymoon memories are tainted. My point is RESPECT. He needs to respect your wishes.....no matter what!!

First thing is YOU have to take care of yourself....The last thing you need to be thinking about is the ex...Oh boy do I know how you feel re: her having a field day...but we can't think like that. Screw what she thinks...YOU are what's important here....

Can I tell you that planning for a wedding is VERY VERY stressful - My DH and I also had last minute hesitation. I am sure I flung the ring (that I even paid for!) a few times at him -- oh my gosh...we had a fight the day before going into possibly that morning!!!

As hard as it is......please act as if this isn't going to destroy you....have the attitude like maybe he's right...Maybe he isn't the man for you and this could be a blessing. (Doesn't seem like it now...but you don't know.) He may or may not be serious and by later today the wedding could be back on. It could just be all stress-related.

Please remember to just keep everything in TODAY...tomorrow may be different...But for today, you can handle whatever happens.

We're here for you!!!

I've been married 14 months and I always feel like my feelings are put second to my ss and his bm. My husband says that me and are marriage come first but sometimes thats just not true in my eyes. There will always have to be compromises and believe me you will have to deal with hurt feelings when it comes to ss and bm. But, your wedding day should not be one of those situations. Is there any way you could talk to BM and explain how uncomfortable you would feel with her being there. Try talking to her in a way that she doesnt feel like its a personal attack towards her example: don't say: "I dont want you at my wedding because your my h2b ex wife." Try explaining how uncomfortable it will be for you and possibly your guest as well. Tell her how much you would appreciate it if she would let her son come alone. Tell her that you will get tons of pictures of her son and would be happy to give her as many as she wants. As a woman with any sense in her head she should understand its your wedding day and it should be all about you. I think she may take it better comming from you than your h2b. If he tells her dont come because my w2b doesnt want you there I'm affraid she is going to make things very difficult in your marriage. Good Luck!

I think if someone is bold enough to call something off that is already in the works, partly paid for, and they call it off! BIG HUGE FREAKING FLAG! I mean, you're talking about a wedding, a lifetime marriage commitment. If someone gets the jitters over it... BIG HUGE FLAG! I mean, sounds like the fellow wants his cake and eat it to, and neither one of you are communicating to each other. He's looking for a way out... let him.

Honey, I think you seriously need to evaluate this situation and not let your emotions lead you into further heart ache. You're heart broken now, but what if you get married, and then this man justs dictates that the ex can be involved in all your 'family' activities? Then what? You'll be forever frustrated and heart broken, that's what, and you'll be back here again pleading for more help because you won't know what to do... but the answer has been laid right before you. This is speaking volumes! I'm sorry, but everyone that I've known that had this sort of drama during their wedding, meaning one person was hesitate, or called the wedding off, etc- they got divorced shortly thereafter within a matter of a few years- 6 at the most.

The damage is done, and I don't see how you're going to be able to recuperate after this and not hold any resentment against him or the ex, or the son later down the road. I just think that you really need to look in your heart on this one, cut your losses and move on. If you're concerned about all the monies you put down, then request that he pay back half of all the fees and you be sure to give him back any jewelries he gave you. It's only fair that way.

But, let us know how it goes. Only you will come to a decision, and I rather you take a break away from it myself. Time will tell.

To me, this would only cause me to be that more stubborn about respecting myself and finding someone that TRULY put ME and my wants in consideration. I don't get that vibe from this fellow. Yes, he may be a nice man, or treat you well, but in my opinion... asking an ex to come to HIS wedding... BIG FLAG.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

I'm sorry to hear it couldn't be worked out..but the fact is you are probably better off..if he is allowing her or his son to control him..more than likely it would end up with you being miserable. I'm jaded and hostile though..so just ignore the woman in the corner

I'm afraid you should have never let him send the invitation...now that that's done it will be harder to get out of it. I just don't understand why these men are afraid of their exes. I mean I know why they are afraid they will withhold their kids or ask for more money, etc. But I just think if they put them in their place right from the beginning and let the ex know they will put up with no bullshit, then we wouldn't all be having half the problems that we do. My BF isn't any different. His ex has been giving him a hard time about he and I taking trips together and him never taking his kids on trips. He can't afford to take his kids, then he would be paying for 3 people, and on our trips, we split everything 50/50 because he pays $1,400 a month CS and can't afford to treat me to a weekend. So now that's all he's talking about I need to take the girls somewhere... Then she put into his head that his youngest 12 will most likely follow suit with the 17year old and not want to come stay with him on his weekends any more. He asked her if that was true, and the skid said no it isn't. But he still can't get that out of his head, so he is treading on water with her. Wouldn't want to upset her..now would we?

Again I think if they would just set the ex straight from the beginning things would be okay..but once they've played their game..it's almost too late.

Good luck. I would do whatever I have to do to not haver that woman at my wedding. Even call her myself and tell her that the invitation was sent in error and you and your BF would rather she not go to the wedding, but that you are making arrangement for _____ to pick up SS and take him home after the wedding.

V

Dear Frustrated,
The decision to get married should be a joint decision. You sound like a keeper to me and if he can't see that then it's a true shame. If he's having doubts now at least you know now and not years into the marriage. I understand that this is heartbreaking for you but you need to let go of this guy. If he's smart enough he'll come back when he's ready to commit. And if he does come back you need to make sure that he's sincere - he needs to prove his committment to you. If he doesn't come back you're better off and I bet somewhere in that broken heart of yours you know that. Move out, move on and let go. Take good care of yourself, surround yourself with family and friends. Let yourself be taken care of and loved by your family and by your friends. Glynne