Man I just need to learn to...
shut my mouth ? I have been MIA for a long time now, mainly due to my pregnancy, health, life, etc. Since I stopped coming here I have basically had minimal interaction with SD21 and when I do I just give a slight nod, a half smile etc.
I literally am to the point where I am at wits end, long story short my DH and I got into an arguement over something so silly that related to what I view as inappropriate parenting. When he was younger he was very inappropriate as a parent with his BD and was married to a woman(not the BM) who thought it appropriate to flaunt her sex life, flash everyone at any chance, hit on other women and everything, my DH thought this ok, and flaunted it as well.Just a long long history of parents not being parents with DH, BM, and ex wife. I explained to him that he was inappropriate with how he raised his daughter and we would not raise our BD and my BS's that way. SD21 has a child that she has my MIL raise and SD basically just visits, and I tell my DH that he needs to learn from his mistakes cause it seems to be a pattern with them of mothers not being mothers. He flies off the handle, insults me, calling me digusting vulgar things and how can I just atttack her like that...etc etc. I'm just ready to throw the towel in, if it wasn't for the kids I'd throw him out now.
This has been an ongoing issue for 1.5 years. Today was not the way a man talks to his wife, and I feel like this is a battle that I'm not going to win. If you arent smiling and kissing SD's ass he's not happy. Shes manipulative as all hell and its so obvious, but of course daddy can't see it. He tells her our business when we argue, the list goes on and on. This has been 98 percent of our arguements, and I knew we kept going and going back and forth today and knew it was going to get worse. He can never apologize unless I throw his ass out and he wants to come back home
I am just venting, I figure I will just put all my time and energy into my kids and my business and not worry about him or his loser kid. Ugh
I am not asking this in a
I am not asking this in a sarcastic or condescending way at all. I'm asking in a very serious/concerned tone. What will your BS and BD learn from how he treats you? I get not wanting to split a family up. There is a huge respect issue here. This relationship in this state is what you will model for your BS and your BD as an adult relationship. You already mentioned patterns. I'm just curious how you think this will influence your kids.
Ya we dont argue in front of
Ya we dont argue in front of the kids, this was all through texts but I get what you're saying. I play the f**kin stepford wife in front of the kids, something that is very hard for me. I'm very blunt but learning to bite my tongue, I have 4 Bios only one of which is his. Its 835 am, can I start drinking yet? lol
It just kills me, how it's
It just kills me, how it's almost as if he has this secret life. He will always have resentment towards me cause I have eyes, and can see how his daughter is. I'm his wife, we are supposed to be a team, not only a team when its convenient. I feel almost like she's the mistress or something, they have to sneak behind my back and talk. I just can't stand it, like its the elephant in the room even when we are talking and everythings "ok"
I need to take a page from
I need to take a page from your book. Yep, he has conversations with her and deletes text messages after they are done talking. Its so refreshing to read other stories, this is what kept me sane before when things were really bad.
Yep I think you're right, to
Yep I think you're right, to just avoid the subject. I would never raise her kid, we would be divorced before that happened. I will not raise my daughter the way they did, BM had my MIL raise her for a little while and then she had my DH raise SD for a year, so DH is riddled with guilt over how his BD is treated. Blah and bullshit, doesn't everyone in the world have problems and issues?
Last night we didn't talk,
Last night we didn't talk, and it's always the same pattern, we wont talk for a couple days, then he will tell me what I want to hear, then we talk he agrees with whatever I say and until next time everything is peachy keen. I'll get over it obviously, but I just see our marriage going down the toilet if he keeps this up. I'm not going to kiss her ass, itll never be me.
Ugh, I'll be back on here everyday again to keep me sane. Also going to let it go and not deal with him for now.
OMG! Same issue, DH confided
OMG! Same issue, DH confided in his stupid daughters for years about our arguments, and would call my mom, playing his narcisstic crap. Of course, he's so perfect, so then I would get a barrage of phone calls and texts from MY mom telling me how awful I am and I will be out on the streets, you get the picture. Are these guys REALLY this immature to invite family into personal stuff??? Yep, you bet. I made an ultimatum that I'm leaving the next time he pulls that crap.
wowthisishard you made a very
wowthisishard you made a very great point. I think he has remorse, what drives me crazy is that everyone else can have an excuse, his BD, her BM, his ex wife, everyone can have an excuse but I should be held accountable for every action. When I was pregnant with our BD I said something about BM and he says "well I dont want to bad mouth her, she is my daughters mother" I flew off the handle. I don't get that respect as his wife, or as his daughters mother. He can bad mouth me, and its getting to the point where Im the enemy.
doormat333 I think thats the only time they learn is when you leave them and let them know you aren't putting up with it.
Ugh its dinner time, time for some wine lol
I stayed with my ex for many
I stayed with my ex for many years, knowing I wanted a divorce. I waited until our daughter was about to graduate HS. Later when I got some counseling because my daughter was going out with a real loser, the counselor asked me what was I teaching our daughter by staying with an alcoholic and in an unhappy marriage? I was teaching her that it is okay to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I came out of that session crying. I thought I was doing the right thing not divorcing when she was younger and staying until she was older, but guess not. Now my daughter is 32 and she says she knew when she was 12 that we were going to get divorced, she just wondered what I was waiting for.
Yes and that is a decision I
Yes and that is a decision I need to make after some thought, I dont feel I should do it drastically. Other than the situation when it comes to his daughter our marriage is fantastic. He's a wonderful father to our 4, cleans, cooks, listens, is there for me when I need him. Its just any situation involving his daughter, we are at a loss. I can stomach her, but I dont ever see me being her friend. I had my first child at 16 and busted my ass to get to where I'm at today. I stayed in an unhappy marriage with my ex husband, four years of unhappy marriage, sadly I knew after a few months we were doomed. It was so bad, I used to stay in my room with the kids when I got home from work, or I would take them and leave cause he just made me so unhappy. Every single thing about him, down to the way he breathed.
Im not miserable in my marriage, it's just this situation with SD. We either have to get over it, me not address it, or its so unbearable I cant take it anymore. I dont know what else to do from here only time will tell.
Raise your glasses
"I stayed with my ex for many
"I stayed with my ex for many years, knowing I wanted a divorce. I waited until our daughter was about to graduate HS. Later when I got some counseling because my daughter was going out with a real loser, the counselor asked me what was I teaching our daughter by staying with an alcoholic and in an unhappy marriage? I was teaching her that it is okay to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I came out of that session crying. I thought I was doing the right thing not divorcing when she was younger and staying until she was older, but guess not. Now my daughter is 32 and she says she knew when she was 12 that we were going to get divorced, she just wondered what I was waiting for."
Wow. I could have written this (minus the alcohol issue) right down to the comment from your daughter about what you were waiting for. I thought I was doing the right thing, too, but now my daughter (33) is married to a guy who doesn't respect her. Sigh.
Oh ya, I asked my 3 older
Oh ya, I asked my 3 older BS's if they would be ok if he was gone and they all said no. They love him to death, the last time we got into it and I threw him out my boys coulda won an oscar, my one son took a blanket and was going to sleep in the car with him, my other was crying telling me how horrible I was yada yada. We still aren't talking, I just really dont feel like I want to deal with him right now.
I won't stand for
I won't stand for inappropriate language from my wife.
I took my camper and left for several days to make a point on language. You can argue without calling names and you either do it or I leave. It worked.
LOL I can give it to
LOL I can give it to sometimes however that day was just me trying to explain to him, but I think thats what it needs to be, something drastic is going to have to happen for him to actaully change it or we will just end up divorced. Even as days have gone by Im not any less pissed and I'm just really fed up. I think I either need someone with no kids and he needs to be single and be in a casual relationship. I sometimes think there's only room for him and his DD and he should have never had another child with me.He is a fantastic father to my Bios and our DD but the constant sneaking with her is ridiculous. I love my DD so much and don't regret have her one bit he can just ride off into the sunset, I just know when I got pregnant he had to text her and let her know almost as if he was asking her permission and making sure she wasnt upset with it. I'm just ready to throw the towel in, so fuckin ready.
"Oh ya, I asked my 3 older
"Oh ya, I asked my 3 older BS's if they would be ok if he was gone and they all said no. They love him to death"
My sons love my DH to death too and would have said the same thing. However, I am sure they loved him to death for the same reason his own children treat him and you like crap. No discipline. My DH just didn't have the balls to discipline anyone. So of course, my kids are going to think he is a saint. As they grew older and saw how his kids turned out, it turned into "he needs to grow a pair".
I am happy to announce he finally did grow a pair. Three years ago.
LOL, thats the funniest part,
LOL, thats the funniest part, with my BS's he can cause they are boys, its just with girls. He can have balls with me too which is so funny, but not with SD
Maybe you should go away for
Maybe you should go away for a few days, alone, and leave all the "boys" together to figure out how to manage without you.
Oh I absolutely did, well
Oh I absolutely did, well just for a few hours. Hes self employed so I told him Monday that he was staying home and taking care of ALL the kids all day and I was going for a spa day which I did. Things are temporarily ok, we talked about things and DH's explanation is that the main issue was me arguing about what I viewed as inappropriate in front of the kids and that Im just trying to focus on the part of the arguement where we discussed SD. He again made excuse after excuse for her and I just flat out told him shes a bad mother, he puts her on a pedestal, etc etc. Im just not going to focus on it as I said before and I am going to disengage, ill smile and be cordial and thats it. He wont see it, and you cant argue stupid, so what else can you do?