hi new here. I'm BM to 3 children 13, 16 and 18 and SM to 4 aged 31 married, 26, 22 with baby and 13.We have been together for 11yrs. Most kids live with us some or part of the time.

A bit over a year ago SS22 's GF went to hospital with stomach cramps - and had a baby. We suspect she knew but as the relationship has always been unstable she never told. As they were totally unprepared they came and lived with us for a while and we did all we could to help them adjust. We were also concerned for the baby because of the violent nature of their arguing.
They moved into their own place and the fighting worsened. We would get calls at all hours to fix broken windows ect. Initially we thought SS had major temper problems.

She would always call me and tell me the terrible things he did to her and we were supportive as possible. Then it became apparent SS had worse injuries inflicted by her. After one incident she issued a VRO - and broke it within 24 hrs. Child protection has been involved. SS learned a bit of self control and decided if the arguing was escalating he would leave to cool off. This sets her temper off worse and she will try to physically restrain him. She will jump on his car and other such acts of desperation. I do feel sorry for her and we remained close.

SS moved back with us but the relationship remains the same. He goes over there and within a few days they argue and he is back here. A week on she comes here angry and desperate screams for awhile, gets hysterical and begs him to return for the sake of the baby - which he does. Both refuse counselling.
Skip fwd a year. to grandsons first birthday party. They had a massive argument the day before and she told him if he went to not go anywhere near her. We all got to the party and she was hanging off her ex boyfriend and introduced no-one. As we don't often have all our kids in one spot other DIL sat us and our seven kids down and started taking photo's. She added our 3 grandchildren(2 are hers and oldest SS)and the trouble began. SS22 GF stormed over and snatched the baby off my knee and had a tantrum about not being included and stormed off again. DH decided it was time to go so we did. As we were leaving I said to SS22 GF that DIL was taking photo's of us and our kids and that DIL wasn't in any of that lot of pic's either, and that We would catch up soon. DIL went to say bye and ended up in tears.

We all went back home bewildered. Within an hour she was at our place screaming at SS then left. The following freezing cold night DH discovered her car parked on the side of the road some distance from our place - with the baby in it. He then found SS and GF in the can in our yard having make up sex. I heard him yelling and on seeing what was going on became furious. I have to admit I'm not usually a screamer - but I let rip.

She now refuses all contact. Their relationship has not changed but now she's angry at everyone. I'm struggling to deal with a girl who comes over and scream's hysterically upsetting everyone, ignores us but feels free to walk through our place to use the bathroom. She is angered if we go to the baby crying in the car while she's pushing SS round.

He was christened two weeks ago and we were not invited - SS didn't go as they argued the day before but he hadn't told us about the christening till then. I know she argues with and cuts off her own family intermittently, but we don't operate like that - and have no intention of this being normal or ok in our family. I really feel sorry for them both. It's one of the most destructive relationships I've come across. She refuses to let SS go.

DH says he would rather not see grandchild than be manipulated by her. It's such an impossible situation - I don't know what to do.
Any suggestions????