It's Holiday Red Light Time! Remember to Disengage!
And I don't mean lovely sparkling holiday red lights. I mean the "Stop/brake" lights of disengagement!
Actually got my SO in a store for some holiday shopping this weekend, and of course at one point he brings up what to get SD. He has no idea, blah blah blah. Being the ever-so-helpful person I am, I casually offered a suggestion or two and showed him a couple of items in the store - which he turned his nose up at. He likes to give her gifts as well as a wad of cash but can't think of anything himself.
Being a Disney Dad, he wants to have lovely wrapped gifts that she can open - it fosters his fantasy of a happy-go-lucky family holiday. Yeah, right. Sorry, been there and played that game for more than a decade and he can count me out.
I confess that I shouldn't have even offered the suggestion I did. It would have been better to say, "Well, I'm sure you'll think of something." But I did shut my mouth after the one suggestion and moved on, so I'm proud of that.
I know for certain there will be no further discussion of gift-giving ideas from me. I am firmly back on the solid ground of disengagement.
So for those of you who are also on the disengagement path, this is a reminder that the holidays are a time to keep that foot of yours hovering over the brake pedal! If you start to feel a little compassionate/generous due to the holiday spirit, just slam that foot down - hard! }:)
I learned this the hard way
I learned this the hard way in Christmas' past. I have a tendency to get overly generous during the holidays, but I curtailed it this year where SD is concerned. Plus she has a bday 3 days after Christmas.
In the past, DH would ask and ask me for ideas, suggestions, and I took the bait and I picked up all kinds of gifts for her. He got the thanks from her, not me. Neither one appreciates the time or money I spend, so I stopped.
I got her one gift this year for Christmas, and a gift card for her bday. I am doing no more than DH does when it comes to my BS. He has already announced she has a list of items she wants, mostly clothes. All I said is, oh that's nice, I already finished with her. Not sure when he plans to actually shop or even shop online, but it's all on him.
I always do my SS presents. I
I always do my SS presents. I even wrap them and find special cards. I'm a sucker for birthdays and Christmas
I am through doing that
I am through doing that useless, thoughtless, and extremely thankless work too, but do appreciate the disengagement reminder. Stopped a year ago, and when he goes to pass out the cash, I have booked a spa appointment for hours to concentrate on the peace and tranquility I now celebrate instead of being witness to their worship service while I experience my intensive holiday abuse session, LOL.
Again, thanks for the reminder lady!
I know what you mean. What
I know what you mean. What really helps me to stay focused and disengaged is keeping in mind what SD's reaction was to the last Christmas present I bought for her 6 years ago.
SD had visited earlier in the year. She had been totally obnoxious, snapping at me or treating me as if I was invisible or putting me down as if she thought it went over my stupid head. Just before Christmas, she and her husband visited. I had purchased a beautiful pin of an animal which was her favorite. I was hoping the gift would take away her obvious anger for me, maybe make her see me in a different light. Looking back I can see that I was try to buy SD's affection. Instead of allowing me to present it to her myself, DH gave it to her while I was out of the room - like it was from both of us, or just from him. He had not bought anything. Like your DH he threw money at her but didn't have the imagination or enough desire to purchase a gift to her on his own.
When I returned, DH was gone. I saw the gift had been opened. I said, "Oh, I see you got the pin." SD walked away with her back to me and snapped over her shoulder, "Ya, I saw it." When DH returned to the room I informed him that I had planned on giving it to her. She overheard the conversation, ran up to me and sickly sweet in front of Daddy, said, "OHHHHH, Thank you!" Her meltdown occurred shortly after that. Now I could care less what DH gets SD for Christmas.
We SM's really go to extremes for acceptance, don't we? Christmas is one of the few days in the year that you can show how much you love someone by getting them something special - and if your relationship has any value to that person the act of giving is reciprocal. When you think about what the skids have done for us for Christmas it is usually pathetic or nothing at all. This Christmas I am giving myself the gift of being honest. I will control my urge to ask DH what he got for SD and I will be thanking God that I will be enjoying the day without one thought for SD.
You have my SD's in one, hey
You have my SD's in one, hey at least you only have one SD, I think. Your husband is something else too, Sandye, taking the credit for all your work. My SD's do exactly what yours did all the time. To my face alone, rude, mock me, turn their backs on me and make faces at me even walking by like the smell something. As soon as he is around, a totally different personality. This is all by design, you know, to gaslight you and make you bi....ch, and then you are the bad guy and also crazy. So, of course, we probably both say nothing, knowing the bipolar BS is an acting game and simply another set up for us.
Just no more for me and it is the greatest gift I have given myself in my lifetime, I believe.
Yes, last year was the
Yes, last year was the greed-destroying holiday.
Each SD is getting two gifts from me, one from my sister and DH can do the rest. I'm helping DH get set up with the info of what to get them but it's up to him to follow through and cough up the dough.
I'll cook and bake and that's my contribution.
I am always the one who
I am always the one who breaks down and gets SD25 something for Christmas, even though DH and I agreed a few years ago to stop giving her gifts.
Not this year. I'm done. Not buying for her sons, either, since DH is just "SD's Dad" to them.
Kudos to everyone for keeping
Kudos to everyone for keeping their disengagement pledge! If you feel a moment of weakness, just remember - SLAM ON THE BRAKES! }:)
When I think of all the emotional energy, not to mention money, I've spent on the skids over the years, I get angry. Mostly at myself for being so foolish to think it meant anything to them.
Thank you 2Tired, for many
Thank you 2Tired, for many of us the horse died long before we got off the saddle....I finally realized the horse was wayyyyy dead and that I had just mounted a rigamortus horse too many times....
LOL ... dead horses indeed!
LOL ... dead horses indeed!
I find a lot of similarity in
I find a lot of similarity in your situation with SD and mine. She always had that ass-pinched look on her face no matter what she was given and no matter how expensive it was.
And I SWEAR that she did the same thing yours did - sold the stuff on-line. When I think of all the gifts we've given her over the years, there are very few of them that have ever seen the light of day once she opened them. Even some of the household stuff we gave her, we never saw those items in her apartment or her house.
I wonder, has anyone else had a similar experience? Where they found out the skids were selling what they were given? IMO, it gives a whole new perspective on the time-money waste of buying thoughtful gifts. Even gifts they've asked for!
SD is pretty clear now; she flat-out says all she wants is money. No gift cards, no gifts, just give her cold hard cash. Even for her wedding next year, she's already made it clear that all they want is money - no gifts, no registry, etc.
Fine by me. They'll get a $50 bill in a card from me, and I'll call it "done"! I find it appalling that someone who is a professional and makes as much money as she does will go to other people and say she wants money as a "gift".
Unfortunately, my SO is the one who wants to continue with the whole gift-giving, unwrapping presents ruse. What for? So she can sell it or throw it away? I'm not doing it anymore, so he's on his own.
Hope you're feeling better
Hope you're feeling better soon! Look at it this way, imagine how much more rotten you'd feel if you had the added stress of shopping/buying for ungrateful skids! Enjoy the freedom from that pressure.
Sucks having to get as much
Sucks having to get as much money as possible together so it's a special day for a skid, but to not have a say in anything that goes on in the home. Bah humbug.
Stay strong! I almost did
Stay strong! I almost did the same thing. I thought about getting SD a stocking with a few small things in it. Must have been the holiday music in the store and being caught in a weak moment. But I checked myself, put it all back on the shelf, and MOVED ON. }:)