I can't talk about it with him - hope someone hears me

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I came out of my 1st stepmarriage with a lot of painful baggage I don't want to relive. So maybe my knee is set to jerk anytime situations smell like "here it goes again" with regard to dealing with skids/bp issues this time.

I come from a world where everyone I know had multiple partners b4 marriage, many have had multiple marriages, and the baggage of failure that goes with that. My current husband was married to the same woman for 25+ years and neither of them dated much b4 marrying and having their kids. He has never had to deal with anyone with a past. He has never had to deal with being the BD and trying to integrate other family into the mix - such as me. We just got married 9 mos ago, and that in itself is a continual adjustment.

I was dealing with little kids the first time. Most people don't expect anything in terms of household contribution from little kids. That's a choice, but reasonable. I learned a long time ago that hoping they will like you or embrace you at all is setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Now, dealing with college-age kids drifting in and out of our daily lives is a whole new ballgame. No time to resolve anything, and once again, I'm set up to fail, be dragged into drama, and be blamed for what goes wrong due to how I want my home to be. My morals and values and how I want my home respected differ from how my DH raised his kids and ran the home. We never really talked about them coming home because it would only be temporary/brief and we never imagined there would be issues. But there are, and once again, I'm seen as the evil, ungenerous bitch, and I am sick of it.

I don't think it is too much to ask for an adult kid to pitch in around the house: wash up his own dishes, keep the bathroom clean. Bedrooms? Well, there's a division of camp on that. But since I don't have to clean it, I don't put a dog in that fight. But I do have to clean the kitchen, and the bathrooms, and the rest of the house. I work, and I pay for all the groceries in the house. Of course, that is take for granted. And being taken for granted gets old. After a point it makes me furious.

I've brought up on several occasions to DH that I feel it's unfair for the kid here for the summer to lay around all day long, leave me with stacks of dishes, some of which hoarded in the filthy trashheap of a bedroom till we're running short, let his bathroom become filthier than a gas station bathroom, eat up a buttload of groceries without even a thank-you to me for providing them, trash the carpet, and then complain and resist or ignore you when asked to do anything unless he gets paid for it. This kid is 100% parent-funded to out of state school. Gets skis/pass(expensive hobbies).Hardly tried to look for a job at all, and no employer will keep someone who is not responsible (has been fired for not reporting in). Never locks up the house so it is open all day. Brings random girls home to screw under our roof - which totally grosses me out. I was not raised that way. And what self-respecting female would go into that trasheap he calls a bedroom? I don't even want to get into him trying to use my guest room from a quickie and flipping out about that and being thought insane that I was upset about it.

DH and I have not had a vacation for quite some time. I had legit concerns about leaving SS in the house alone. How could I relax, knowing I'd come home to a wreck for ME to be expected to clean, with god-knows-what having gone on in here? All I asked for was reassurance that I would not have to deal with it if it happened. And DH got all pissy with me like I was out of line for asking him that - when all I have seen is inconvenience on my part. Erupted into a yelling argument which SS overheard parts of, and now - DH and SS are pissed off at ME for having concerns.

Am I off base here? I have no basis on which to trust because I've seen not very much responsibility. And if I don't stand up for me, who will? Now I am SURE I will be blamed for SS not wanting to come home. SD already won't because she's uncomfortable in the house with me, even though she says she likes me.

I am sick of being blamed for stuff that is not my fault, having to endure the drama that goes on because of the laizzez-faire male-dominated morals that have gone on. And I don't know how to let go and just say F*** it because it matters that I'm not thought to be unreasonable in all this.

Worst of all is a husband who claims I should talk to him, but when I do, and I'm upset, he refuses to get it. I tolerate things for a long time, because I dont want to be seen as petty - which he seems to think. Am I?

I'm starting to think this may have been a big mistake.

I hear you and think you need

I hear you and think you need to be a bigger bitch than they are already saying you are. I would be insane with that amount of disrespect. Do not accept this kind of behavior. If your DH can't back you up than this may have been a mistake you can move on from and be happy. DH doesn't deserve you. He is a guilty Daddy who is not going to change.

Guilty daddy. Yep, check mark

Guilty daddy. Yep, check mark on that.

Well, you're far from the

Well, you're far from the only one who has made this supposed "mistake," so welcome to the club! Poke around here a bit and the mantra of "100% responsibility, 0% authority" will sink in quickly. I personally don't care if bf and Baby Huey (SS14) think I'm "unreasonable" because they are totally irrational thinkers at best, and have no thinking skills at worst.

You are probably NOT petty. There is a tactic that occurs which I've heard referred to as "incrementalism." I see this at play in my relationship and imagine it is going on for a lot of others too. Incrementalists start out with nothing and ask for everything. Any concessions you make are a net gain to them and a loss for you. Then one day you (hopefully) wake up and even your own life is no longer yours. This sounds like what your SS is doing. Who is he to put these sort of demands on you? Why should your DH facilitate these unreasonable demands to dominate YOUR household, much less you? This "kid" is grown!

I feel another blog coming on. Time for me to go ponder the subtle wasting disease of incrementalism...

Well said. A revisiting of

Well said. A revisiting of gender equality, and my own ideas of the wife I THOUGHT I wanted to be...coming right up. I did want to be the service-oriented, almost '50s era wife that makes a home, cooks, and makes DH feel cared for. He pays for the household and parses out my $ for me for some debt that's getting paid off. But reality is just starting to dawn on me that...men rarely appreciate this kind of caring, and don't reciprocate in ways that make ME feel cared for. I don't SEE OR FEEL the $. Him doing the dishes is foreplay.

And SS is being trained by example in the "make me a sandwich" mentality.

I would go on strike for

I would go on strike for about 2 weeks. No cleaning except for the messes you make - if you WANT to clean up after your husband OK for that as well. But I would not do a damn thing for the SS. I mean no dishes, no picking up towels... nothing. Let the place become a mess. And gently state...gee honey, I pick up as much as I can....guess everyone should pitch in as well...Huh? You have to see that your husband is disrespecting you here as well. He is allowing youto carry the burden for your SS. Your husband needs to put on his big girl panties and tell his grown son to GROW UP and act responsible.... Ino ther words you aren't a maid and are not picking up his kids SHIOT.....and mean it girl.....

I'm about to start sobbing

I'm about to start sobbing right here in my office. You are SO right. I had a maid come in once a month before I got married to do the more irksome cleaning. It made so much difference for me. For me, someone else doing housework, especially dishes, is foreplay. I WILL hate seeing the mess. BUT, DH has gone off on me for letting housework slide, and NO standard is applied to the kid. F*** this s***.

The only reason it's (having a maid periodically) not going on now is because we are trying to Dave Ramsey our way to debt-freedomness. By the end of the year, I will not have any debt, and DH will have what he owes on the house. At that point, I'm making a re-negotiation of where my $ goes a priority. I have a long commute for the little $ I make, and if he wants to make housework an issue, I have a solution for that. The whole world has smartphones. the latest music, the latest clothes. I don't. I'm not a shopper. I'm not a waster. Enough is enough.

TheStepwife, I sympathize

TheStepwife, I sympathize with you. I can't even imagine having to deal with things like this. Honestly? I am a "slammer." When I am angry I don't speak. I just slam shit around. That seems to frighten everyone and immediately they start pulling their own weight. I have been known to throw dirty dishes on the kids beds because they know that I clean the kitchen EVERY morning before I go to work. I expect to find the sink CLEAN when I get home or all hell breaks loose. Honestly, I think my kids and stepkids are a little afraid of me. I take and take and take it until I can't take it anymore and then I explode like a bomb. I remember a poster on here once who had a similar problem. She resolved it by throwing all the dishes away. Everytime she found a dirty dish that wasn't there before she'd toss it in the garbage. She did the same with dirty towels or clothes that were out of place. I don't know but it sounded like a great idea to me.

A friend told me to take all

A friend told me to take all the dishes out, everyone gets ONE SET, and they wash it up or "oh well" wash it yourself when you need it. Pots and pans - more difficult, but I like the "in the bed" principle. It makes a statement. I hate to spend $ on all new stuff. Before I got married I used paper plates. And of course no one to clean up for but me.

A friend told me to take all

Oh and the part about the SS

Oh and the part about the SS bringing girls into the house and screwing them... Oh HELL NO. The only person doing that in my house is the one paying the mortgage... ME..... If you are old enough to play grown up then you are old enough to play grownup in your own damn house.... Has your husband lost his mind in thinking that is OK? It is not OK and is disrespectful to you his wife. I am telling you I would NUT UP and embarrass the hell out of my Skids and my kids as well (they already know mom is crazy) to find them in bed with someone in my house. By the time I was finished acting like a fool it would be all over town....What kind a principles does a man have to let his son do this - is he living vicariously through his son... Please....

Incrementalism, definitely!

"Do a little more each day and each day a little more will be expected"

The old "camel with the nose in the tent" proverb comes to life when there is:

1. a guilty daddy
2. a loving and sacrificing SM
3. a skid who plays the BM/biodad conflict for all it's worth
4. a BM who is on a "scorched earth" policy as regards skids and their relationship with biodad now that he's "moved on."

It sounds to me like your DH

It sounds to me like your DH is taking advantage of you, your good sense and taking you for granted - so much so its driving you into the ground.

The thing is with men, they are programmed so that they don't like hearing their wives say the same thing to them - doesnt matter how you dress this i.e. in tears, in desperation, pleading, reasonably, angrily...they label it as "nagging". Me? I call it mengina - the inability to want, see or even try and help to anything when it comes to their spawn of satans.

Right now, what you are asking is basic courtesy from your skid. Its nothing imo, particularly given you are semi funding financially and physically in someone elses child's (now adult) life. Your DH refuses. He is throwing your generousity of spirit right back at you. Nice.

It sounds like you have given DH plenty of opportunity to address these issues with ss, and all you are getting from him is attitude, hassle and extra work, not to mention using you as mount to cover his arse in daddy glory with ss and you in poo. So ask yourself what else can DH do to make your life difficult when it comes to his son? You are getting ALL the crap, even though ss and DH are getting what they want.

So I propose you find a way to make your life easier - that means not having to constantly have these discussions with DH, not having to come home to ss's crud all over your house, not having to put up with any fallout for daring to have a voice in your home.

So yes, definately. If your ss wants to act like a neanderthal half wit, then he gets ONE cup, ONE plate, ONE cutlery set, ONE towel. He doesnt get ANY of his washing done. You mention those groceries? Sorry, they are cancelled as of now. He doesnt lock the doors to your home? Then he doesnt get a key to the house. Change your locks, to those automatic ones when doors are closed. If ss is out, tough, make sure you have to pop out and joyouesly lock up. If he wants to act like a dick then he gets treated like one, with cherries on top.

Does he get cable to his room? Cancelllllled. Broadband? Cancelllllled. Needs a favour? Ask your dad. Hungry? Ask your dad. Sorry, is that a girl you have brought home? She has to go home. Embarassed your precious son have I? Sorry, not my problem. You say I hate him do you? Well thats your opinion. Making him not want to be at our home? Sorry, not my problem.

I suggest you do ALL of this without consultation with DH, if he wants to discuss it - dont. After all isnt those the rules HE implemented first of all when you tried to talk to him? If he rants, raves, walk away and dont engage. He sulks, ignore him and make plans with friends/family. Do it all with a smile too and dont get angry, just do it calmly.

It's not about being petty,

It's not about being petty, it's about not living in a pig sty and respecting your home. When you're meticulous you have a hard time letting things pile up - turning the other cheek to someone else's laziness.

I've been there and understand your frustration. I had that same issue w/SD (27). We tried a chore list where each of us would have weekly dish duty. SD agreed to it, but then changed her mind and said she felt chores were for children. So we changed it to everyone wash their own dishes. SD started leaving hers in the sink 2-3 days at a time, and I slammed DH and he in turn got in her behind.

I made him set her straight regarding her laziness, negligence, and lack of accountability in our home. After three years of this, she recently moved out. Dear old dad wasn't turning the other cheek any longer and picking up her slack. I wasn't going to allow it to continue because she would have stayed here forever. She had it too easy.

Your DH has to be on your side. If not, make things so uncomfortable for SS that he won't even considering staying there. Good luck.

Stand your ground! You are

Stand your ground! You are not being picky, you have a right to have your household ran the way you want it. Tell your husband what you want, the way you feel and see where he can meet you so you can agree how to deal with the situation. I think then everyone needs to know the new rules and they either abide by them or get out. There is absolutely no reason for an adult to sit on their butt all day and watch TV and expect someone else to take care of their dirty dishe, etc. They have not had to be responsible for themselves at this point but it is high time!

Here's something I did that might work for you. We told our kids they were responsible to clean any mess up in the kitchen that they made and that included washing pans and putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I guess SSs thought I wasn't serious (perhaps had tuned me out), I put their dirty dishes in their beds. Never happened again!

With 2 of our children (one step, one bio) that stayed in the house ater graduating highschool, we drew up a contract wheich they had to agree to. They had the choice, go to college and work at least part-time OR pay rent, one opted to pay rent. The one who paid rent challenged to contract, he wasn't quite 19 yet, and his dd asked him to find anotehr place to live.

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I can't talk about it with him - hope someone hears me