I am outnumbered by adult step-children
I moved in with my fiancé 5 months ago. We were married in November. I am used to my adult children respecting me and my possessions. My married children are 30 and 38. My new husband supports and takes care of his son that 34. He is deaf and cannot speak. His wife - the daughter-in-law is 38 and has Ushers disease and is also deaf and can only see in bright light. So all the lights in the house must stay on. When I moved in I had no idea what I was in for. They are both completely physically able to take care of themselves. I have to keep the majority of my possessions in two expensive storage units. The things that are in the house somehow they think belong to them. My drill I got from my ex for Christmas years ago - disappeared!! I came in one day to find them chewing down - eating off my good china!!!!! I buy food and it suddenly disappears. Makes me so mad. It's gotten to where I have to hide food which makes my husband mad. I don't know what to do. I'm used to my children caring about things.
What were you thinking??? Did
What were you thinking??? Did you not know about them before you married? Did you stay over and observe how life might be before you moved in / married?
This sounds like all the evidence was there in front of you but didn't want to see it. Sorry for sounding harsh, I don't mean to since I do feel bad for you. Falling in love and moving in together should not be like that!
I really don't have any advice at this point.....sounds like you are in for a long bumpy ride.
Like I said I have to hide
Like I said I have to hide food. I'm not used to buying food and having it gobbled up when I turn my back. I need to lose weight anyway. I can't help it there is never food here - never! I buy it so I can eat and GONE!
The step son also has cerebral palsy. He walks just a tad different. But MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW also has CP. but she gets along fine. She went to college she drives and works 40 hours a week. The step son is busy all doing this and that. You are right I'm in a pickle. I love my husband very much. But actually I haven't spoken to him in 3 days now. I don't think he realizes why. It started with me hiding food. When we got married we agreed that his children and my children would always come first - before us. Which I didn't realize the extent. His son is kinda child like. He acts somewhat his age. He is a good guy. But it's never about my husband and I. My husband has had two heart attacks and is diabetic. I just realized that if something happens to him I am freaking stuck taking care of them I'm my senior years. I'm 59. I am unable to work anymore. I moved out of a very nice apartment to move into a tiny mobile home. With the intention that he was going to put an addition on this Spring. He said we aren't moving. Soooo I guess I'm gonna die here - when I have time after taking care of their needs
Do you all blame me for hiding food? If I don't its gone and I don't eat!! H E L P!!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. Yes, it's true I knew somewhat what I was getting into. I guess I thought all kids have the manners and respect that my adult children and granddaughters have. I guess I am just so overwhelmed. I lived here for two months prior to our wedding. My husband constantly told me that I can do whatever I want to do with the house. Put out my dolls, tea sets, frilly pillows, etc. Although, he has this stupid dog that freakin chews up all of my stuff including picture frames...hard to believe I know. When I first moved in my sister and brother-in-law helped me organize some of my stuff in the house while my husband wasn't home - didn't matter if he was here. My sister still insisted that I am the woman of the house now. Anyway, the dining room is the size of most people's bathrooms. Barely big enough for a table. So they help me get it looking half-way decent. My husband comes home and doesn't even comment - good or bad. Really hurt my feelings. Well, the step-children have a large bedroom and a game room. We have a freakin tiny bedroom and I have to keep my clothes in bins - ugh! It is his intention to put on an addition in the Spring - a master bedroom. I have a hard time believing that it will get done. Although, we got several Home Depot gift cards for our wedding gifts.
The dining room. Well - every time I try to make the tiny room look nice - the step son sticks some of his crap in there. Be it chairs, bar stools, huge stereo - junk - junk and more junk! So like my sister told me - I either put it in his game room or try to find another place for it. All we really have it the living room, dining room and a tiny bedroom. So they should be able to keep their crap in their rooms. Like I said yes, I knew somewhat what I was getting into. Last year I had to talk him into taking down (or moving into son's room) his dead wife's picture and ashes!!! He got mad but over a year ago I told him if he ever wanted me to visit his house again - it had to be moved. So he moved it and said his son cried like a baby - exactly! He still has it in his game room - so several times a week I still see her ugly face. Sorry! I feel like I have a bunch of toddlers living here. The house (an old single wide mobile home) sits on 11 acres of family property. His uncle owns the home and he pays rent. He said his son is allowed to stay here for 99 years. When we first got engaged I tried to find a big old farmhouse for us (four) to move into. I couldn't understand why he never had any places to look at. I finally realized he wasn't going to budge!! So I talked to my son and my brother (they are my mentors) and they said as long as there is love there I will be happy. So if my husband dies I'm their momma. The son calls me "mommy." Like I said he told me I could do whatever I want to the house. Well, not so. I go to move something or take something off the walls, etc. he says I'll just throw my stuff away. God I'm stressed!!!!
I don't know - I love my husband. I haven't spoken to him in 5 days now. Maybe a yes or no here or there. I don't want to enjoy and spend the rest of my days (I'm 59) taking care of someone else's children. I want to be with him not them. I recently had an epiphany - I realized that when we leave this house - no matter where we are - we get along and are as happy as the newlyweds we should be. It's just when we are here - he is a different man. I know it's a lot of pressure on him to deal with all of their stuff, but come on - let them grow up and move somewhere by themselves. Although, I know if I dare to mention it to him - he'd flip.
I'm sorry for dumping on all of you. I just don't have anyone that I can talk about it with. My sister is somewhat familiar, but doesn't know what I am going through with my husband. Everyone knows that he cherishes me and can see it in his face and eyes. I just know that when it comes to the step kids - what I say or do doesn't matter.
I know you are right. I knew
I know you are right. I knew what I was getting into. I am not really sure exactly why they have to have things so loud. I like Beyounce but the son had it so freakin loud earlier I couldn't hear the tv. The DIL keeps her tv in the bedroom so loud. When we go to bed - its still loud. I don't understand but I will surely ask. I cannot forget the fact that I love my husband. I want to be with him. I guess for the most part - I felt pressured into moving in here. My sister knows how upset I am with things, and gives me the best advice she can.
I also found out yesterday that I am losing my disability benefits. Food stamps and Medicaid since I got married - that is such crap!! My disability is I have severe leg and back pain and need surgery, which I'm not sure that I want back surgery. I have some other disabilities, but I do the best I can every day.
None of these people are
None of these people are going to change just because you came around. Daddy obviously let them raid the refer so you'll have to lock it to keep them out and that'll only anger Daddy. The same is true of anything else that irritates you. Either you change your attitude towards all of this or move back to an apartment.
You love your husband, he's setting you up financially with housing but what about cash? Its one thing to own a home its another to pay the taxes. Your disability is gone, do you have Social Security down the road?
Make a list of the good and bad things being married to this guy. Then assign a weight to each item. Example: Inherit house +10, live with food missing -8 etc etc. Add up the pluses and if they're greater than the minus then stick around. If not then go.
I feel like such an idiot.
I feel like such an idiot. As I said earlier, I have several health issues that keep me from going back to work as a paralegal. I have severe back and leg pain. I've had arthroscopic surgery on both of my knees. Now, my doctor said it may be time to have the full-blown surgery. I'm supposed to be having back surgery soon. I also have Menieres Disease. Plus a few things here and there. My husband is not totally disabled. He gets around just as good as you and me. Many members of his family and friends are constantly bringing their vehicles by for him to do work on - most times they pay him. Although he does have health issues - he does take pretty good care of himself. I take good care of myself in that I go to my doctor appts and I take my medication. My oldest brother says if he stubs his toe he goes to the doctor - that's just humor, but you get the gist. I'm a lot like he is in that respect.
I do care for my husband's children. Although, that does not make up for the fact that I absolutely love housework. I have Sciatica and when it flares up I am totally useless. I try to make the tiny dining room look nice and the living room as well. We have no garage and the shed outside is crammed full already. So if anything is not of use to the SS it goes in one of those two rooms. However, I'm doing as my sister suggested - put it right back in his room. Sure I'm picky sometimes - I have this thing about not liking shoes left all around the house. I'm spoiled I guess. 3 years ago I left the house I had with my ex-husband (that I divorced after 30 years in 1999). I've always had a brand new house. My last house was new and had a huge four-car garage. My ex sold the house so I had to move. The bread - oh the bread! I have a lot of nice kitchen things - nick-knacky things. I have a very nice bread box that I put out when I moved in. I am the only one that uses it. They go through bread like --- through a tin horn! So today I took the bread off the top of the microwave (2 loafs) and put them in the bread box. Went and told the SS where he could find the bread. I guess like my sister said - if I keep moving stuff and putting it in its proper place - maybe they will get the hang of it. I don't know. I'm still a little upset with my husband and I remember why. I'm thinking about writing him a letter. I already have a draft of what I plan to say. After he reads it he can make a choice. Either help me be the woman of the house (as my sister claims) and respect shown by all or he can show defeat and I will leave. We both receive about the same amount of money each month. Money is never an issue for us though.
You guys are wonderful and I am so thankful to have you and your opinions...really I am. I don't like to burden my children with it, but I know if I told them they would support me all the way. I have the best kids. My sisters children (3 - ages 38, 40 and 43)have lived with my sister and brother-in-law off and on constantly (with my sisters 10 grandchildren)since they did or did not graduate from high school. Like right now, my 43 yr old niece was working as a Hospice Nurse and suddenly divorced her husband - got very depressed and now is filing for disability based on depression. Give me a break. My son and I are both bipolar and we know what depression is and how you should take care of yourself. Also, my sisters grandson (20) just dumped his stuff at their house a few weeks ago and never asked if he could stay there. The reason I tell you these things about them - is as much as I love her children - my children aren't perfect but they have always said mom I refuse to be like my cousins and have kids while I'm still in high school. My kids are 29 and 38. And don't want to have 4 or 5 marriages like their cousins. They never ask me for anything, but I do spoil them when I can...within reason. They have never ever asked me to move back home. Although, I feel if they did need a place to stay I would accommodate them. Don't know why I bring this up other than to explain partially why I'm the way that I am.
Again, thank all of you so much for supporting me. I have a very large family - a family that cannot keep a secret to save their lives. I don't tell my sister all of my concerns with my marriage because if so - I may as well put a notice in the newspaper or on facebook.