DH feels like an outsider???
Last night DH and I went to my grandaughter's 8th birthday party. My ex-husband was there. He is actually my son's stepfather. My ex and I were married 17 years and together for 22 and he was the one who was there when they were growing up. When DH and I were married both of my son's were adults with lives of their own. DH took me aside at the party and said that he still feels like an outsider with my son's. I replied that is how I will feel at his son's upcoming wedding. Well he blew up with that because this wasn't about me this was about him and how he was feeling. It's not that my son's and grandchildren didn't speak to him. Needless to say the car ride home was very long...hearing about all the thngs my children and I do wrong.
However when I went to the bridal shower for DH's future daughter-in-law and they did pictures of the mom's...I wasn't included. I didn't get bent out of shape about it. I am just the stepmother and I accept that, no big deal.
I think he was upset seeing my son's talk and laugh with my ex and I am just not sure what I can do about that. Was I wrong in my response?
Probably yes. Maybe he was
Probably yes.
Maybe he was trying to open up and let you see how he felt and you wasn't listening to him but just started talking about how you feel or will feel.
He was probably just a little jealous to see your sons getting along so well with your EX. I take it they don't have the same relationship with him.
Maybe suggest that he spends more time getting to know or hanging out and having fun with your sons.
I would let him spill his
I would let him spill his guts on this and be very sympathetic. Then after he expresses himself you can draw the parallels to how it feels to be you.
I think so. Your DH tried to
I think so. Your DH tried to tell you how he felt, and you turned it around to being about you.
How would you feel if he'd done the same to you?
I think you maybe have been
I think you maybe have been wrong in your response, but yet I understand why you said it. Sometimes we have to listen and let our partners vent without it being about us. They just want to be heard as we do when we need to vent. Maybe you should talk with him about this and let him vent out what he needs to and just be there to listen. You can vent another time.
Response was harsh. Talk
Response was harsh. Talk about it again at a later date. Be as sympathetic with him as you want him to be with you about this.
I make a concentrated effort to include my SM in conversation, but she never attends the family events....She only has gone to one in the last ten years....That one was for my son's Eagle. I made a point of including her....My rest of the family is not as nice...
Very important to understand how he feels...
OK I will try to do better
OK I will try to do better
I just don't think the middle of the birthday party was the best way time to bring it up. I guess I would feel better about it if he made some effort with them. He is WONDERFUL with my grandkids but usually when my son's come over he says hello and heads to the bedroom. He always says that since I don't get to see them alot he feels he should give us our privacy? When his children are here I make an effort to talk to them etc. I don't retreat. When I talked to my oldest son about it after the party he felt horrible. He had no idea he felt that way. It's not like they didn't speak to him at all. But he said he would make more of an effort but it's difficult when he usually doesn't stay around to talk to them when they are here.
Obviously we have a lot of issues.........my DH is extremely sensitive. I'm not sure that is good if you are a step-parent. I resolved long ago that I married my husband and I am not going to let issues with the kids come between us. They are adults they have their own lives and at the end of the day it is just the two of us.
I guess I'm a hardass?
Maybe you need to initiate
Maybe you need to initiate more time to be spent as a family without ANY outside influences, that is, time spent together with the purpose of bonding with each other's children. Talk to your husband about how you would like to do more things with your kids that INVOLVE him. Make sure he realizes that what you are trying to do is connect him and your kids and get him to agree to stay involved even if it makes him nervous (that is inevitable and unavoidable until he and your sons bond). I don't think he would have even brought it up if he wasn't interested in having a relationship with your kids and maybe he doesn't know how to cross that bridge without crossing some boundaries that he may not know about. Just because you are comfortable with step-parenting (possibly have had some prior experience and hubby hasn't?) does not mean that every person is. Being a new step-parent or a step-parent who does not feel accepted as a family member is EXTREMELY intimidating. And it doesn't sound like you or him are doing your parts as the link between kids and s-parents, which is harder since they are adults and have their own lives. Do they live close-by? If so, maybe a monthly game night including only you, hubby, kids, and g-kids and he has to participate. That way, it will be sure to be up-beat and fun and there is not as much time for nervousness to creep in between everyone, but bonding will surely ensue. I bet you both would feel at ease around each other's kids in no time. P.S. I do agree with you that he chose a very bad time to bring it up but if that is not a continuous problem (i.e. he does this at every extended family gathering which would seem to be out of jealousy) just remember that we are all human and though it was poor judgment it may have been his breaking point and a cry for help.
Although the others have
Although the others have their points I think that somewhere along the way you need to remind him that effectively your ex is far more than just another step-father. They were raised by this guy and your current husband is just a johnny-come-lately.
He is never going to be an equal to either bio or step number one. His sphere of acceptance is within his own family not yours. Like it or not 2nd and 3rd spouses are not instantly accepted and that's the way it is. At this point he should be satisfied if hes acknowledged at all.