How much for "love"?
Just a general question ... how much is anyone willing to put up with for "love"?
So often on these boards you read of horror stories with skids and DH/DW who is not dealing with issues as they should.
The SM/SF then has to put up with abuse and heartache for decades - not only from skids but also being hurt by the inactivity of their partner to resolve problems. Miserable homes, miserable people, overall misery in general. Sometimes financial ruin, health problems, legal nightmares and broken spirits.
Yet ... in many of these stories, the poster will say, "If I didn't love him/her so much, I would be gone."
The question is - At what price love?
Especially for those who have been at this for so long. Is the love in your relationship so strong it transcended all the BS you've put up with?
When reading posts by some of the younger set, they are barely getting their toes dipped into this step thing and they want to know if it gets better - because they are so in love they think it will hold up in the long run. Does it?
For me, I was just plain
For me, I was just plain stupid. There was absolutely no reason to get married, and I caved in from pressure by my family to do "the right thing". I had an idealistic and unrealistic idea that things would get better - they didn't. By the time reality hit, there were financial consideraions that transended everything else. I have known people in so many marriages like this.
There is no price I'll pay it
There is no price I'll pay it either works or I walk, I'll compromise but I have my deal breakers that are just that and I'm in no rush to ever get married again. Marriage isn't a guarantee of anything but a binding financial contract and I can do finances just fine myself. I'm with SO because I love him if the shitty side of things ever makes me prefer to be at work, school, my room than present in my home it's over. I'm. Not an option ever.
NOTHING makes staying in an
NOTHING makes staying in an abusive relationship worth it. And some of the relationships discribed here truly are abusive.
The nightmare is worse for
The nightmare is worse for some than others. In my case, if SD would have remained open ended under our roof, I would have ended the marriage plain and simple. Three years of her foolishness was enough for a lifetime. Self love has to kick in at some point. I threatened divorce within the first year of our marriage, so DH knows I'm not taking any BS from him or SD. Things are relatively peaceful at this point.
Luxuries . . .be warned that
Luxuries . . .be warned that your SD may want to move back home after college (to go to grad school) like my SD did. She stayed for almost 10 years and caused me hell. Hopefully you've made arrangements to avoid this.
I have six years left until
I have six years left until our bios have finished school. I know I'm only sticking around to get the boys grown up as I don't want to put the boys through a split. If we split DH would do what he could to bring all his kids together as one happy family-WTF- his eldest is older enough to be father of our youngest and throw a grandskid into the mix. I know I'm not happy now, I once respected my DH but now there has been to much water under the bridge, my respect has died for DH. I grin and bear a lot of things. I was only just away for 5 days and our boys were taken to the local pool with DH to meet the two DD and grands kid and the eldest Ss came around one of the nights I was away- was DH forthcoming with this info- no our boys were, so yea I'm sticking around for a reason, then once our boys are grown they can then make their own decisions about maintaining relationships with the skids who have always been jealous and spiteful towards them. So some say why stay, I have my reasons and they are for my boys- yes to the detriment of my happiness but sometimes you gotta make the best of a bad situation if that makes sense.
I guess part of it is knowing
I guess part of it is knowing what the red flags are and not getting wound up in them so that you get your heart broken.
I once met a guy at a singles mixer (who had sole custody of his teenage daughter) and within the first half hour of our coversation, he must have said a half a dozen times how his DD was his "best bud" and they "did everything together" and she was his life.
Needless to say, no matter how nice the guy was, I certainly was not interested. I figured there was no room in his life for another female. I was not going to spend any time in a potential power play with someone's kid.
I took his statements at base fact - he was showing me who he was: Whomever he became involved with was going to take back-seat to his daughter. No thanks. Why get to know someone, maybe fall in love with them, when they have told you up-front what the pecking order in their hearts would be - kid(s) first, you ... somewhere else down the line.
I understand that parents need to make their children their priority to a certain extent but I was at a different stage in my life and was not looking for that. I did notice later on that another woman did exchange numbers with him. I always wonder how that one worked out?
IMO, he was not someone who was truly single and available ... which means being open and ready for a mature relationship with another adult. He should have stayed home with his "best bud."
Yep, you are right -
Yep, you are right - hindsight is always 20-20! I guess I was never actually faced with the skid issue until I was older and wiser in the dating game. Had I been faced with it during my younger, more inexperienced years I might have seen it all much differently. Like, "Wow, what a great dad he is - so loving and affectionate. And he dotes on his cute kid so much!" Ha ...
When I married DH, I was
When I married DH, I was absolutely head over heals crazy for him. Didn't believe that anything ever could get in our way.
Then came adult kid issues, and not just his kids. Mine too. Wow, after two years of marriage I thought it was over and I was starting to plan my exit. Took me twenty years to leave my first husband and no way was I going to stick around that long especially since we didn't have kids together.
I told him exactly what I could not tolerate about his behavior and that I was considering leaving. Broke his heart. Absolutely broke it. But I knew my limits, and I was reaching them. He promised changes, and little by little he made them. There were setbacks and missteps from us both, but as long as I could see progress and dedication and we continued to talk about it, that was enough for me to stay. And I'm glad I did.
Now, five years later, we're doing very well. I miss that head over heals crazy in love part though. Was love enough? For us, yes, the love was strong enough to learn to be better partners. Had we not dedicated ourselves to our marriage then, no, it would not have been enough for me to stay.
the jury is still out on
the jury is still out on mine. there's been a lot of damage done to my love for my DH. at times, i feel that i would leave if there were a way to split everything equitably, without animosity and anger. i used to be crazy about him, too. now i wonder if i would be better alone. i don't know if he'll be able to handle my detachment from his precious "baby girl".
Your post could have been
Your post could have been written by me exactly. Our assets will be a mess to sort through but DH just will not accept my detachment from SD and Sgkids.
I know now my DH married me
I know now my DH married me only to care for skids since there BM died also he was happy that I made good money. I was looking for security and boy did I find it. I have not been out of his sight for 13yrs. He has total control, I am so sorry I ever met him. I am planning my exit. I have been used and abused by skids and DH. I am trying to figure out why I did this to myself.
I believe if there is TRUE
I believe if there is TRUE LOVE between BOTH parties, then there is no reason to consider not staying in the relationship.
Sure we all have hard times, but I have never considered leaving DH. The thought has never crossed my mind. In 8 years he has never given me reason to feel like I had to get out.
Of course, I am only speaking for myself here. And of course I don't think a relationship can survive on LOVE alone.