How about boundries???
My girlfriend and I live together in her house. She has three children, 23yr old son, 21 yr old daughter and an 18r old son. The 18yr old has always lived with us, the other two it depends on their life situations-affording their own place being the big issue.
I've asked that phone calls not be done after 9PM (I'm a light sleeper with insomnia) unless it's a emergency and when we go to a movie (which is rare) that she doesn't have to text them and try to solve their problems during our "movie date". I've also asked that our bedroom be a kid free zone. They always seem to need soap, shampoo, TP, etc. They also use some of my things, laptop, phone charger, etc.
I feel that I provide a fair amount of food, paper towels, etc., but they will eat my doggie bag leftovers and the one time I put "do not drink" on some fresh squeezed OJ they drank it anyway.
The daughter works and pays rent and is pretty good about cleaning up. The oldest son, while working wouldn't pay rent and did nothing around the house-not even his dishes-fortunatly he is now out of the house and the youngest takes out the trash a couple times a month and will occasionally pick up dog poop. He doesn't pay rent though,is unemployed, argumentative and has been caught smoking pot in the house three times in two years.
She talks to them about it, but it never seems to resolve itself. She is a guilt parent-but I'm starting to feel bad because I can't even mention my feelings or we fight. Am I wrong that their should be boundries?
Your right, there should be
Your right, there should be boundries. But, I think this is a common problem in families where their aren't step parents. This seems to be epidemic in general. My older brothers came and went and when they came, they took, took, took. My mom finally laid down the law...they had 30 days to pay rent or they were kicked out and the locks were changed...and I will never forget the look on my brothers face as we drove out our carport and he was standing amidst his boxes and his key wouldn't work. But the point had been made...and he made his own way in the world.
I am having a much smaller
I am having a much smaller version of your issue. I know how hard so many people have it and it makes me feel guilty that I am upset about my own petty problems.
My SS is 24 and my SD is 21. My SD lives with us on vacations from college and she and I get along fairly well. I had to set some boundaries on her bags exploding every time she comes home but we have worked it out. My SS has been nearly absent from our lives in the past 2 years until this spring. Now he comes over from time to time and my husband is so happy to see him. The problem comes from my SS slovenliness. At his own home I have seen dishes in the sink growing mold that it was obvious wasn’t growing when the dishes were put in there. I let it go and know he will have to live with what he has, however, when he comes to our house he makes messes and does not clean them up. What drove me here was yesterday he went to his dentist which is right near the house, he lives about an hour north. After the dentist he was not feeling well so he decided to drop by the house and rest for a bit. I am perfectly fine with this until I come home and find that the magazines, bills, and other items I had sitting on the couch were unceremoniously thrown on the floor. When I entered the kitchen he had left an empty can of soup on the counter (less than a foot from the garbage) and the dirty pot he had cooked the soup in. I guess I should have been grateful that he at least put him bowl in the sick I suppose. This is the second time something like this has happened in the last month. For Thanksgiving he made a huge mess of my games (for my Wii) I could be called a bit anal about my games, I like to have them organized and in their proper cases. I know this would be a bit much to ask of young kids but I would expect a 24 yr old to be able to respect other people’s things. I know if I do not address this now and create boundaries I will continue to have problems and he will take more and more advantage of the situation. My DH hates conflict so he throws his hands in the air and refuses to believe there is anything that can be done.
I am so sorry for those that have things so much worse. I am very lucky with the Skids I have. My SD was a nightmare when we first met but over the years she has become one of my best friends (it is possible at times!). Now I just need to work out boundaries with my SS. I will keep you all in my thoughts! I hope things continue to improve for you.
You have to set boundaries for yourself. This is the thing I have learned in my life. Whether or not your Husband or Wife agrees with how you feel and may diminish your feelings, if it is important to you, set your boundaries. Do not allow people to walk on you no matter who they are. Life is difficult enough without having our spouses being unsupportive. The good news in the end is “This to shall PASS!” The kids will move out someday. Just hold strong and do what you feel is right.
Boundary development is
Boundary development is supposed to be learned throughout a lifetime. Unfortunately, those who are brought up by people who have boundaries that look more like cheese graters create offspring that pass through the boundary and back out easily. When a person with a healthy sense of boundaries is appalled to almost disbelief where things are just 'normal' to the rest. The only boundaries you can enforce are your own, and they'll probably continue to think there's nothing wrong with them. I don't know if it will end or not...I know people who are in their forties and still rely on Mom and Dad too much. I never had a safety net myself, so can't really relate to these folks.
My step son thinks he has a
My step son thinks he has a right to "his freedom" on our property and when I tried to set some boundaries such as he cannot bring dogs down to our house because we have chi
ckens that sometimes roam around the property, he got upset with me.