Do I?

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I am 48 and got engaged in December. My fiance and sd21 moved to my home about 1 year ago. He is trying to sell his home, which is about an hour away.

I am having second thoughts about the marriage because i cannot deal with his sd. I dont have any children of my own, so this is all very new to me.

Sd is 21 and only works part time. She does not contribute to the household chores or help pay any bills. If i ask her to do something she will "forget" or "run out of time". She is queen of excuses. I hate asking to begin with and it just enrages me when she doesnt do what we ask. My fiancee has never enforced any consequences for these incomplete tasks, and im not sure where/how to begin punishments.

Also, i generally pay for most of the groceries and split a few of the other bills with my fiancee. His expenses are tight until he sells his home, and we do not pool our money yet. This arrangement is more of a burden on me than i ever expected. They both can pack away the groceries, and it has totally thrown my budget off. What do you think is a fair arrangement for this?

Im not sure if i am being stingy or unreasonable. I love my fiancee but i fear we/he will be supporting sd for many years to come. Im getting cold feet.

If your having doubts, back

If your having doubts, back off and take some time away from fiance and his daughter. If I had a chance to re-do what I've done, I'd never have married my DH. Wish to GOD that I would have listened to my gut.

If your having doubts, back

Thanks for the reply. I

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate your thoughts.

Sd is living with us because her part time job is. 5 minutes away. I helped her find it a few months ago with the hope that she would want to grow up and spread her wings.

I like the thought of her moving to empty house, but her car is a POS and it wouldnt last a week driving an hour each week.

I think its time for the 'Cough up or get out' option. Im pretty sure my fiancee wont like this thought, so i need to be prepared for that outcome.

It was a huge red flag when his daughter had been out of school for three years and was not working or going to school. How could any parent allow that to happen? It still blows my mind. I really thought i could help sd get on track, but thats not my job.

"It was a huge red flag when

"It was a huge red flag when his daughter had been out of school for three years and was not working or going to school. How could any parent allow that to happen?

Sadly it is quite common amongst BFFer parents today. I have NO DOUBT this will happen to OSS as he graduates from high school this year with a 1.97 average. In my case, the longer he stays at mommykins doing nothing, the longer "child" support can continue.

Thanks for the replies. Good

Thanks for the replies. Good stuff. Sometimes you just need to get another opinion or two before making a leep.

This sounds like me over 23

This sounds like me over 23 years ago. I would never do it again - ever. My DH was very similar to your fiancee. I paid for all of the expenses the first two years of our marriage too. He would not back me up or expect SD to do anything. He made excuses for her bad behavior or accused me of making her uncomfortable. You can not 'punish' a 21 year old woman. She's an adult, not a child. She should be acting like any other adult who is staying in your home, and he should be backing you up as far as what your expectations are for her to live in your house.

You are very fortunate you have not married this man yet. Don't do it until he sells his house and you are totally satisfied with him and SD. By the way, I never got a thank you or a pat on the back for helping him out while he put SD through college. If I had it to do over, I would never, ever support a man or a skid.

We supported SD when she

We supported SD when she turned 18 for a time, Mommy dearest had kicked her out the day after graduation and the CS was over, imagine that. It's something I will never do again!! Get that girl out of your house, she's 21 and quite capable I'm sure. She doesn't "just forget" or "run out of time" when you ask her to do a chore, she's blatantly disrespecting you, in your home, don't allow that. I would have a talk with your boyfriend and lay it on the line with him, what you expect and will make sure is followed thru on. Eventually you will begin to resent them, what will you do then?

I was 40 with no kids, never

I was 40 with no kids, never been married when I married my DH 6 years ago. He has 3. My advice is take it very slow and listen to your gut. What you feel is real and valid. Don't judge it or yourself for feeling what you feel. Also, don't let him or her make you feel guilty for your actions or feelings. I wish I had loved myself more from the beginning instead of going along to get along. I was so afraid of rocking the boat and tried to make nice with everyone. The red flags I saw and felt, I ignored or explained away. Whatever happens, don't abandon yourself.

So, she's been living with

So, she's been living with you for a year and just got a part time job a few months ago? I have a feeling she will not be growing up anytime soon.

What kind of a man just lets his daughter do nothing for 3 years after getting out of school? Sounds like they both have it made, living with you.

I would not have had him move in until his daughter launched. Maybe they should both move back into his house.

The thing to do is sit down

The thing to do is sit down with your fiancé and tell him exactly what you shared here. He needs to either cover the additional costs of his and his adult daughter's presence in your home, she needs to pay rent and cover her food and utilities costs, or even better she needs to launch.

My SS-21 was an only child in our home from age 2yo until 18 when he had the choice of going to school on our dime, working full time (rent and food free), being our beck and call boy, or launching to be out on his own figuring it all out on his dime.

He refused to go to school, refused to get a job, so we made him our beck and call boy. It took him about 6-8mos of being our chore bitch before he decided that he wanted to be compensated far more than with just a roof over his head and food on his plate and joined the USAF. He just completed 3 years of his first 6 year enlistment, is studying on his BSCS and is doing very well.

Time to light the platform under SD-21 so she will either deliver (pay rent, etc...) or jump. Make her your beck and call girl with an ever increasing chore list. It worked with my Skid.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN - right

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN - right now anyway. Why is he even living w/you if his house hasn't sold?? That is SO selfish that he would even ALLOW you to pay his AND his dd's food and expenses! I am on the fence whether to marry my BF or not, & his dd doesn't even live w/us anymore, even though her crap is still in her filthy infested crap-piled-to-ceiling-room in our house - while my DD sleeps in the smallest room & doesn't even have enough room to have all her things in there. My BF allows that, I lost a lot of respect for him while his dd did live here because he turned out to be a spineless coward in regards to her, & allowed her to disrespect me.

If three adults live in the

If three adults live in the house, then three adults contribute equally. If not with money, then with time and household responsibilities or some combination. No freeloaders allowed. Your fiance is doing a HUGE disservice to his daughter by allowing her to be lazy and irresponsible. Is she going to live with you forever?

Set expectations and form an exit plan -- either she exits or you do. But I would not marry him until this is resolved.

and a 21 year old is still

and a 21 year old is still living with you because......??!?

I would make out a list and

I would make out a list and give it to BF to tell his daughter that is she isn't contributing money for living there, then these are the chores that need to be done every week/day. Either she do the chores to pay her way, or she moves out, or get a full time job and actually contributes money. No more free ride! And as Rags said, I would make the list very long!

And in addition, if your BF

And in addition, if your BF bucks and kicks and screams upon learning of your concerns. . .well you have your answer!!!!

Sit you boyfreid down and

Sit you boyfreid down and tell him you need to discuss the following.

1). You can not buy all the groceries any longer because you are being left short on money. He can buy for him and SD and you can pay for yourself. OR he can pay you 2/3 of the groceried bill.

2). SD needs to get a full time job within 2 months and needs to move within 6 months. You really want to have a marriage with just you two. NOT 3.

3). Until she moves out, her weekly chores will be......cleaning all floors in the house every week. Cleaning bathroom top to bottom every week. Ect... DH has to enforce it. If he can not enforce it, then he and SD need to move back to the other house.

All of this should have been discussed before living together. And it MUST be discussed before marriage.

There's the unspoken carrot

There's the unspoken carrot here, which is the BF being in the process of "trying" to sell his home. I smell a little emotional blackmail here. The idea being that once he sells, he will share, so how mean are you to try to extract anything from him now, after all in your shoes he'd do everything for your hypothetical offspring...
I would question how long he has been "trying" to sell and (b) how long will that process be strung out before he is called on it.
I don't like his attitude at all.
I sure never would move my adult child in with a lover who was paying for the roof over our heads if I had any self-respect. How can he look in the mirror?

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