My only concern would be him on the phone while driving.

Yes, it's awkward sometimes to be disengaged but I think you did the right thing.  To my SKs, I'm invisible unless we are directly in contact and you probably are, too.

I am in your exact position. I have not seen DHs kids in 5 years until this past week (and that's a post for itself but I sit here feeling great after the encounter). I disengaged over being  "shunned" and treated terribly for 12 years, with the last humiliating event done at my DHs retirement party. His son chose that venue to announce the first grandchild to a room full of people, only to DH while I sat there like the perverbial pink elephant in the room. Not one mention. Our guests were appalled and it showed. But whatever....over and done and I'm over it.

It IS SAD that as DHs wife, I cannot share in the love of his grandchildren but it's not his or my decision to make; it's his kids' decisions and they've clearly shown I'm only CajunMom to their children.

The flip side? DHs kids cost themselves a great human in their lives...me. And now they've done it to their own kids. I AM a good person, loving, kind, compassionate and GIVING. I am a "bonus" grandmother to my deceased sister's grandchild.....I make sure he gets appropriate holiday gifts and all the attention my sister would have given him. We spend time together (although he's a state away) and we talk on the phone. He will be coming on vacation with us this year as he has in the past. DH? He can barely remember to get a birthday gift to his grands. What DHs kids failed to realize is, it's the "mom" figure that typically does all the work and gifting with the grands and DH, because of his own inability to confront his wicked kids' behaviors, has NO support from me in that area. He's on his own and if he can't take cues from me, then that's on him. 

As JRI said, stay disengaged and do like me; find children around you to give all the "grandmother" love to. I have several including a sweet little boy across the street (my friend's grandchild) that loves me and yells my name out everytime he sees me. He's two years old. Precious.

Best to you, Friend. I know your journey well. Hugs.

It's so uncomfortable to become suddenly invisible. I think I would have sat there in that uncomfortable space too, though, doing all the positive self-talk I could muster.

It would have been kind of your DH to end the call sooner though. "I'm driving and will call you tomorrow." 

You should stay disengaged, and your DH should not take calls from his daughters when you are both in the car as it is rude. I completely understand why you were uncomfortable and your DH should also understand and not put you in that situation.

Don't expect DH to get you involved. I disagree when someone above said he shouldn't talk to her in front of you. Getting upset about that seems a bit controlling. I do agree, however, he shouldn't take a call while driving. I've disengaged from OSS and don't want to confuse the situation by inserting myself at all when it comes to him, his life and/of family. If something important happens and I need to know, my DH will tell me. Be happy DH talks with this daughter and stay in your lane.

What CajunMom said. Crazy to be strangers to people who are part of DH life. I was involved for almost 4 decades. Now, cut off. So much dysfunction.

So - here are my thoughts. I completely agree with being disengaged from toxic/dysfunctional behaviour. None of it is ok - but we can only focus on/change our own responses and our involvement. Full acceptance of disgenagement takes alot of time and is never straight foward as we are not robots, but have our own triggers and emotional responses. It can be helpful to understand our own triggers and where they come from so we can sit comfortably in the understanding of own experiences.

I also agree that our disengagement is not our spouses choice - and they need to decide how they go forward and on what basis. Not many parents want (unless there is signifiant ongoing toxic behaviours occurring) to disengage from their children, so will more likely accommodate behaviour that is otherwise dysfunctional.

I don't believe that it is ok for your DH to continue a conversation with their child where it is so obvious that there is an overt 'claiming' situation going on. From what I read, and obviously I don't know your situation, there was an ownership occurring. She was stating in a way - "I can choose when I want my dad, I have the ability to take him when I need, I am top dog". I am not sure how that is suppose to provide you with a healthy foundation based on respect and trust where he demonstrates support for you and your relationship.

You can 'hold' your kids close, but also put a boundary in place. This actually can help kids feel safe and understand healthy boundaries based on respect. Your DH could have said "hey, sweetie, I will look forward to chatting with you but at the moment I am in the car with XX so I am unable to talk." This would be after having another conversation (earlier in the piece)  providing transparent acknowledgment and boundaries, saying "I understand that there is an issue between XX and you, and although I am disappointed that you can't get on, I realise that it is between the two of you. What I can do though is respect my wife and talk with you when I am not with her (unless it is urgent), but I will share our conversations if she asks and I will bring her into our conversations if need because she is important to me and is my wife. So, because it is obvious that you don't get along, that doesn't mean to say that she is relegated to not existing within my family, as I would not want to dismiss any partner you have, and nor would you want me to." 

That is claiming you as his wife (or other way around) and being assertive around boundaries. It's not ok to ignore you through a 'claimed' conversation and then believe you don't have any emotional reaction (or ignores it) and then continue to talk based on a context that he and his daughter just created for you, because it suited them to talk. That is not ok. At the very least it would have been more respectful to acknowledge your feelings and say "that must be hard and I so appreciate you patiently waiting for me to talk, but do acknowledge that if it was me, I would feel hurt and dismissed." 

Your DH is playing along with this sickness.  You married DH not SD.  DH should be help accountable for this.  Stop buying his excuses ,   He dose what he wants, then saids sorry, SD gets blamed.   You are going around in circles. 

I would have just pulled out my phone and busied myself playing angry birds or something.. scrolled through FB etc.. 

My DH takes a lot of calls with people while I'm in the car.. we are in the car a lot though.. sometimes I have more interest than others in the convo.. sometimes I just ignore.

I do think that FACETIME when you are driving is unwise though.. But, I can see him wanting to wish a grandchild HBD even if it is not a kid he has seen.. or sees often. (not sure how far these daughters live as to why they are only telephone kids).

If DH comments, tell him he gets what he does and his rudeness is driving reciprocity.

Or... if he has it blue toothed to the car, just hang up from the car screen.

lather.... rinse.... repeat.

With DH.

Diagram and detail. Bullet points. Animation.

Spell it out for him before you go scorched earth. Then go scorched earth. Without guilt.