Happy to have found this site!
Hello Everyone, I am married to a wonderful man who is kind, generous and supportive. I have no children of my own nor do we have any together. DH has 5 adult kids from his one and only marriage and a daughter from an affair early on in the marriage. He was married for 23 years to the ex-wife.We've known each other as friends for 38 years and have been married for 30 years. His ex-wife lives with their oldest son, his wife and their 2 college age daughters. She never remarried or as far as I know had no other romantic relationship after their divorce.
All family members live spread across the country and the only gatherings are sporadic and for big events such as weddings, graduations etc. My DH and I are rock solid. So here's the current situation. His oldest daughter apparently has been planning a "family reunion" for at least 6 months. We heard wind of it from conversations with one or two of the other kids. No date, just vague comments that SD49 was planning a combination family reunion/bd party for herself at her home. Nothing was said by her to us until 2 weeks ago in a generic e-vite that went out to friends/family. My relationship with the eldest 3 have been civil though we see each other rarely. The younger 3 skids are warmer and we see them more often. They have never said an unkind thing to my face but I am essentially invisible. So, we respond, "Yes! We'd love to come!" I was feeling such a sense of dread at going. One late night I searched for "dealing with adult step-children." That Google search led me to this site. Wow! You all really opened my eyes and I felt for the first time I was not alone. I have for 30 years bought, wrapped, shipped etc. each birthday card, gift, anniversary card, flowers for special events etc. I have received in that time 2 birthday acknowledgements and one anniversary acknowledgement. The anniversary was only acknowledged because they were visiting and WE took them out for dinner. Anyway, as many of you stated it seems like SMs do the work and nothing comes back. I felt so unappreciated and was "just done." You all have given me a strategy called "disengaging." DH went to the event alone and as is usual is mostly ignored. I think he is done, too. It's all very sad and I feel like an idiot for continuing to send things when they were not wanted and/or appreciated. I get that their loyalty lies with their mother...as it should. But they are all successful adults with their own lives that doesn't include me so I am bowing out. Thanks for letting me into your lives via your posts and shedding light on a very difficult situation. Thank you all.
Welcome!
Welcome!
The children will always side
The children will always side with their mother and their own blood brothers and sisters. Step mothers are never important, appreciated or acknowledged.
Concentrate on your husband and don't worry about his ungrateful children.
Thanks for the warm welcome
Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. I just feel so stupid for not coming to this realization years ago. My DH is also coming to recognize that maybe they just don't care and that has wounded him. He and our dog are at the reunion now. I sent a short text to ask how things are going and tell him I love him. He texted back he wishes he was home. He has felt excommunicated from the family since his divorce from their mother. The kids are civil and even warm at times to us both but there's always been the undercurrent of unease. It's sad... I feel we've extended ourselves to them and the grandchildren but have received almost nothing in return. I think we'll just back away and see what happens. They are always welcome here and they do visit but we will not be planning further trips to visit them. The youngest son, who was still at home and lived with us every other week for the last 2 years of high school, is a different story and relationship altogether. The most uncomfortable situations has always been the family gatherings where everyone is there. The skids, spouses, grandkids and the BM. Then we are pretty much ignored. It is what it is and now that we recognize it we will just continue living our life with minimal effort put towards his adult kids/their families.
Didn't mean to double post!
Didn't mean to double post! Apologies.
Welcome! It's a shame that
Welcome!
It's a shame that after 30 years you still have this crap. Go where you are celebrated and don't worry about the skids. I'm glad you are your DH are rock solid...that's the important thing. A lot of people on this site don't have the backing of their significant other and it sure makes step life a lot worse.
What I find is skids will
What I find is skids will deliberately go out of their way to not thank a step mom for what she does because it's a control issue and because they feel loyal to BM. It's another way for brats to hurt you. Thankfully I have a fantastic DH who more than makes up for their short comings so I'm good, but would it kill them to say happy birthday or happy anniversary? Brats.
SS26 actually returned a
SS26 actually returned a sgs's gift to me while he and SDIL told me how annoying it was. No thank you, nothing. That was the last gift I ever and will ever buy for sgskids.
I re-gifted it to someone who
I re-gifted it to someone who actually wanted and appreciated it. Lesson learned and future $$$ saved. sgs7 just had a bday and I almost ran out and got him a present because I do like the little guy but I resisted because it is now completely DH's responsibility to remember dates and shop for his grands. DH forgot, I didn't remind him and the kid didn't get a present from "us." That's ok because DH wasn't invited to his bday party anyway. BM has been the only one invited to all the sgkids parties because it would be sooooooo awkward to have both DH and her there.
Sucks for your SO to be
Sucks for your SO to be excluded. From one of your other posts I recall that he was hurt by this rejection. Good that you're staying out of it since there's nothing you can do anyway.
I hate to see DH excluded from his on gkids celebrations but he doesn't seem to mind. He is fine with the ss's and grands coming to our house visit him rather than going to gatherings that BM will be at. Funny that the skids don't tell him that he's excluded but they tell me. They must know that he doesn't care and would rather be tinkering in his garage than at a kiddie party. Why try to drag me into the birthday party drama?! Such little lives they lead.
My skids are teens and I see
My skids are teens and I see that coming for me once they are grown, too. I don't over extend myself too much as it is. If you do and do and do, you expect gratitude and appreciation but step mothers have the most thankless job.
Once skids are grown, I'll remember it too and do what you've done.
Kindness, courtesy, respect and love is a two way street in my book!
Lemonlimez, I think you hit
Lemonlimez, I think you hit the nail on the head. Not acknowledging or ever reciprocating kindness extended towards them does seem like the ultimate passive-aggressive move. The more I read all your comments the more clarity and resolve I have to disengage.
I finally had to let them
I finally had to let them go...they are all adults near or over 40...I too spent way too much time trying to fix something that was terribly broken...rather that, getting on with something altogether new...
Now that I have refocused my life on new adventures, (including my own children)...they are left to deal with all the drama and misery they have created by them selves. I think some healthy "alone time" with them selves is not a bad thing...It is necessary sometimes, so they can get in touch with reality...their reality...and so far, what I have seen...when I shut down the opening that they used in our relationship to "vent and spew al their negative (fill in the blank) onto my dh and I...they were stuck with the result of years of untaught, undisciplined, entitled, selfishness, a whole lot of pas'ing,... all rolled up into one...themselves.....(time to look in the mirror)...Until they realize that their mother used them as pawns to satisfy her hate and unforgiveness, let alone jealousy and control issues...they will never heal...that is sad...but I did not create that...she did...
You and I only tried so darn long, because we dared to love that much...It was a valiant effort...but we chose to love someone who chose to waste the relationship. Due to politics of being married to someone who had many unresolved issues from a previous marriage...I feel your pain,...but the experience isn't all a loss...Look at the valuable lessons we have taken away...the next lesson i have learned is to NOT WASTE TIME on regret...That too is a time stealer....
I have learned to push the step issues to the back burner in life, and re focus on something more enjoyable and rewarding. Step life is no longer my life...it is just a very small fraction of my life now...
So, cheers to you for making it through....and hopefullly the years ahead will be the best ones ever!.....peace
that was empowering to hear
that was empowering to hear StepAside.....
"I don't care to pretend
"I don't care to pretend anymore. Relationships take two, there's no way around that. Successful relationships are based on mutual respect. So if someone isn't participating in a relationship with you, you're wasting your efforts."
Great line. Such truth in regards to family, step family, friends and so on.
Such good advice, StepAside.
Such good advice, StepAside. I am still in the early stages of disengaging. It will be varying degrees depending on my past and current relationships with the skids. The younger ones of his 6 kids I have more of a relationship with. DH just got back from the family reunion and I got an earful. So happy I did not go. What was presented to us was that it was to be the host daughter's birthday party. All the kids of his marriage and their mother was there. It was actually a birthday party for the BM. Lots of extravagant gifts and fawning over Mom. DH says nothing was done in regards to the SD's birthday. (He rarely gets a card or acknowledgement on his birthday.)Seems like a bait and switch deal to me. Why didn't she just say everyone was coming for Mom's birthday party instead of lying. Anyway, it's all so complicated. I really have gained so much insight by reading all of everyone's posts in these matters.
what you said, is exactly
what you said, is exactly where I am. I obsess sometimes. You said:
I think learning to disengage is like trying to diet or quit smoking. You can literally stop eating junk or not smoke, but the process of retraining your brain doesn't happen overnight. I recommend that you figure out what your goal is. My two cents is that your goal should be to remove negativity from your brain. If you disengage but still have resentment, still think about them, still worry about what they will say or do behind your back, continue to think about their rude behavior... then the act of disengaging alone hasn't accomplished the change that will really bring you peace.