College secrets of step-daughter
My step-daughter is attending college. My husband is very protective of her. She is very insistent that she should not be expected to contribute toward her college degree financially or by working. She had been calling or texting my husband every month telling him how much money to send to her checking account every month. The amount of money she was asking for was not consistent with the college website's schedule of payments which is published for the public. I told my husband that we should have the right to see her bill, and to see her Student Aid Report. He asked her to be given permission to log into her college online account so that he could see the bill each month. She declined and would not allow him to see any bill, and would not give him online permission to see her bill. She just kept asking for money each month, and he kept sending it. This was causing conflict in our marriage that we were not permitted to see the monthly bill, invoice or statement. I told him to stop sending money every month without seeing the bill. He defended her right to keep the bill or monthly statement private. The amounts she asked for were up to $1700.00 per month some months. Finally, his military benefits started paying her $2500.00 per month directly after about two years of him paying out-of-pocket. Since she lived in another state, he signed his pick-up truck over to her so she could carry the insurance. He thought she would use it for college transportation since she drives home each weekend to her mother's house. A few months after he signed the pick-up truck over to her, she sold the truck for $6500.00 cash and used the cash to pay off some of her mother's bills. At this point, I feel that she is receiving financial aid, but she is never transparent about it. I suspect that the four years has been a scam to receive the financial aid packages, then call or text how much to send each month, and pocket a large amount of money each month in the process by double-dipping from different revenue sources. Every time my husband asks for the online log-ins to see the statement of account, she avoids giving him online access. He says it does not matter since now the VA benefit is paying her $2500.00 every month and he isn't. However, I feel that the family should have transparency and there should be an opening of the accounting books online to reveal what the costs have been actually over the last three years and where the money has gone. He disagrees and now defends her right to keep all college financial bills private from her father who has paid all the money he was asked for. We are very much at odds, since I feel like there has been years of deception, and the manipulation could go on the rest of our lives if we don't get to the bottom of all the hidden college financial records which we have never seen. We are very much at odds and he defends and gets upset at me for asking for transparency. Please offer advice.
OMG. It's so obvious she's
OMG. It's so obvious she's been scamming your DH! Probably in cahoots with her mom.
I totally agree that transparency is paramount. I can't believe he doesn't insist on online access to her college bills. As long as she is depending on him, he has every right to see that his money is going where she says it's going.
I think you should sit him down and persuade him that the truck incident shows clearly (1) that she's not being honest; and (2) her mother is in on the take. Try to help him to see that the truck incident was a violation of his trust in his SD, and she needs to be held accountable for both the truck incident as well as future payouts. (Nevermind that it's coming from the military, it's still coming to her via HIM.)
My SD31 is an entitled brat and I know DH's permissive parenting is probably the sole contributing factor. Don't let it go any further.
This is my fear of what BM
This is my fear of what BM and SS18 will try to pull when he goes to college next year. My DH is not from our country of residence and did not attend college here. They think he doesn't know about financial aid and how it works, how he will get refunded anything that is overpaid after financial aid is taken into account.
Too bad for them, I have attended 10 years of college, graduate school and postgraduate school and have been educating him about the SAR and financial aid.
There's no doubt that's exactly what she is doing. And exactly what my SS would be doing if he was allowed to do so. This is a DH problem as much as it is a stepchild problem. He knows and doesn't care enough to stop it.
What does he say about the truck? That's pretty egregious.
It's pretty obvious that your
It's pretty obvious that your SD is conning your DH. The truck incident alone is proof of that. Unfortunately, your DH will never see her school records. Why? Because he's paid what she asked for two years. It's done. Over. The time to take a stand would have been before he started giving her money, or even during the time that he was giving her money. At that time, he could have used his "contribution" as leverage. Now that he isn't paying her cash anymore, he has nothing to use to gain access to her records. It's too late.
Your DH knows that he's been taken advantage of. He's just in denial.
Just remember what has happened thus far and use this experience to never allow it to happen again.
Is he obligated to pay a
Is he obligated to pay a portion of her college costs? or is he doing this because he thinks it's the right thing to do.
If it's the former.. then I am assuming there is some specific formula that is being used.. if this is the case then he has a right to see the supporting documentation.
If it is just something he wants to do for his daughter.. it's up to him to decide how much of his resources he wants to send to her. He can put her on notice that he feels 500/month.. or whatever is what he will pay on top of the 2500 she is getting via the military benefit. Then that's it. She can do what she wants with what he gives her... all I might ask is for her to share a copy of her grades each semester as a condition of him continuing the extra payment. If she won't.. he doesn't pay. simple.
I don't think he needs to get into access etc.. unless those records are pertinent to a REQUIRED obligation of his. and even then.. copies are fine. I think he can justify not paying further in those cases until proof is provided.
But, if it's just voluntary.. no need for any documents aside from perhaps the result from each semester proving forward progress to him so he feels inclined to continue the voluntary contribution.
Many colleges have a "parents
Many colleges have a "parents portal" that shows financial obligation but not grades. But she might still have to give permission for him to see that.
Either way, if he is responsible for paying part of her tuition/room, he can pay that directly to the school, but I would still insist on documentation of costs. Then set her up with an allowance for her own expenses. He needs to take the power away from that girl and act like a parent.
I can just see my parents reacting to me telling THEM what they need to send me each months. Oh hell no.
"Entitlement". That is what
"Entitlement". That is what this is. She feels she is entitled to ask and get money from her Dad and he is willing to give it. I understand how much this would bother you but your husband is the one who has allowed this. I would look at it this way, would he give you, his wife, this kind of money without you having to tell him what you are spending it on. I bet he would never give you money and let you do the same as SD. SD is at a higher standard than SM. These disney dads will always put their snowflakes first even if it causes problems in the marriage. Sorry you are going thru this.
I agree this is a scam. I
I agree this is a scam. I also agree it's too late to do anything about it - before college, he should have made a contract with her: I get access for transparency in exchange for helping you out.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to treat family with as much formality in financial affairs as you would a stranger. Signed contracts might seem like "too much" with family. But treating an agreement with that level of formality shows you mean business, which tells the relative this is no ordinary situation where expectations will quickly be forgotten. If the relative tells you a signed contract is for strangers, not family, you turn it around: you're my family, that's exactly why I want all the expectations laid out on a signed paper - I love you and I want everyone to understand their obligations."
Your SO might be ashamed that he was so foolish or ashamed of his daughter. I wouldn't press how shifty SD and BM are. I'd press that it's a new semester, let's do this right this time: full transparency in exchange for any help or no help.
I was just thinking about a
I was just thinking about a card I found from SD to her dad. It was thanking him for all his support (i.e. $$$$) and putting "fun money" in her account every month while she was in college.
When I was in college, my parents loaned me money for rent and even charged me for the stamp to mail me the check. Obviously, my college experience was quite different from SD's.
In your case, I was thinking about that truck. Why did he sign it over to SD? That was just foolish. She can be responsible for insurance without "owning" the truck. If she really wants transportation, she will pay the insurance.
It seems your husband didn't really know his daughter too well. Now he does and he's shocked and doesn't want to face it. That's fine, but you must be more vocal and shifty to keep SD in check. You must tell him that ALL financial decisions regarding SD must be discussed with you from now on. Then when he wants to do something stupid, you can find a way around it and tell him how to handle it. I think it might work because when you first mentioned accessing the financial records he wasn't opposed. It was when he realized what a shit his kid is that he got defensive. Typical.
So from here on out, you must be on top of this stuff and figure out a way around SD's scams. Let this boil down - it's too late to do much now. Tell him you'll let it go in exchange for him discussing all future financial decisions with you.
Your DH needs to step up and
Your DH needs to step up and simply state that if he is to continue to help her out financially then she must give him access. Tell her he has to prove the payments on his taxes if he feels that he must give her a reason. I just told my kids that since I was helping them I had the right to know. They gave me access. Shouldn't be so difficult. I also told my kids that they had to work for their pocket money. With room and board included in the tuition how much pocket money could they possibly need? Anyway in your situation it looks like she is just about finished and this is probably just all water under the bridge. I believe that the only financials that you will be able to see is the current year and you won't be able to see the past years. My skids and BM lied all of the time, pulled at DH's heart strings and was able to get a great deal of money from him over the years. He has run up charge cards, taken out loans and borrowed from his retirement all to "help his children".
This help was not because they were in need it was because they wanted new wardrobes, they wanted to go on trips, they wanted, wanted, wanted or because they were in trouble of some kind. Most recently it was a wrecked car, BM called oh please lend SS the thousands needed to have his car repaired (SS was driving with no insurance and lied about the accident), I promise that he will pay you back. DH exhausted his savings, gave SS the money and once SS had the money BH stepped forward and told SS that he didn't have to pay the money back because after all he is your father and he should pay to have your car repaired.
I told DH...I told you that he wouldn't pay you back. DH never listens to me. He just kept saying he will pay me back. Yeah, right.
Your DH is pathetic. His
Your DH is pathetic. His willful lack of balls is nauseating to me. :sick: