Christmas is over and i finally let go!
Yep, I have totally detatched myself from the 2 SD's. I dont care anymore and not gonna try anymore. Christmas was great till the girls arrived. We had the entire family to our house christmas day, told everybody to be there around 2. everybody showed except the SD's who arrived around 5.( i knew they would pull that kinda crap and told my fiance that) anyway, i tried to strike up conversations with them, but was pretty much ignored. they stayed less than 2 hrs. I told my fiance it was awfully strange that last year they were at our house by noon. hmmm.... he stated that they had lots of places to go and i said no more than last year. LOL.anyways, the youngest and her bf were leaving, we were standing in the kitchen, and my fiance gave her a hug, and i heard him tell her to say goodbye to me. she rolled her eyes and did say bye to me in a hateful sort of way. nonetheless it really ticked me off, and I told my fiance it was ridiculous for him to have to ask his 20 yr old daughter to say bye to me. Then, out of the blue, he seemed angry and said he noticed the attitude of his youngest daughter toward me and he didnt like it one bit. and that he was very angry with his oldest daughter for not bringing the grandbaby with them christmas day. he said she did that outta spite toward me. and i have to agree. the baby is 6 mo old and ive never even seen it. im not allowed to. Im just so glad that finally he saw his youngest doin what she does best(bein a bitch!)
He called her the next night and laid into her about it. i dont really know what all was said, except that she told him she didnt give a damn about me, and all she cared about was her daddy. thats when i knew i had to let go. i told my fiance that i did NOT want them around me ever again, even on holidays. he said he didnt blame me, that he wouldnt want to be in a room with hateful people either. I told him he could go visit them anytime, just dont bring them around me. I feel bad about things, i think about all this crap on a daily basis, it bothers me so much,. I have totally lost hope with them and me ever being on good terms. I really wanted us to have a great relationhip and be a loving family, but i know now that will never happen unless they change(dont see that happeneing either)I hate to be getting online and doggin them out all the time, but i have no one to talk to about this ., its kinda embarrassing to be tellin my friends what im going thru. and i also seem to never have anything nice to say about either of them since ive seen nothing but disrespect, rudeness, and hate. and i keep thinkin about the night we all sat down and had our "talk", and how the subject was to be about forgiveness, and starting anew. when instead it became a talk about the "father-daughter" bullshit. ( i predicted this would happen) and i told them that i disagreed with that, that we were trying to have a family unit. they got mad of course cuz i said that. LOL>>oh well to hell with them!!!Im so glad i have let that crap go, but i still cringe when they call.. Cuz i know they will have some sort of demand for their father, knowing it will only upset me. they thoroughly enjoy doing that. hope im not soundin paranoid, thats just not me. I guess im just very observant whereas i notice peoples actions and reactions. the way i see it, the only way to get rid of this hatred im feeling is to stay away from the source.
Awe....
I understand how you must be feeling. To never quite fit in - in ur own home. What bisotches!!! Well...I'm here to tell ya, they will need YOU someday, then that will be the challenge....
I wish I could disengage from my hubby right now....I just haven't learned the art of disengaging..... Hugs to ya !
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
You have done so right in saying you don't want them around you.
Hi Mizmel,
Well it's good your bf saw for himself what his daughter is like. I mean for him to have noticed it and got angry that is something. He will probably be have a long talk with them with he sees them next.
For me my father always put me high on a pedal stall thinking i can do no wrong. He kept comparing me to my stepbrother. Its very hard to trying to be good girl all the time. Not saying I was bad because I was not but feeling so scared to make a mistake was hard.
Even when I was angry with my sm I never spoke to her but would visit go say hi and bye that was it. I was never rude or said nasty comment just completely cut her off. Soon after that did fade away and we were back to normal. Long story why but thats when I realised my dad was backing her more saying I get her wrong etc. Then it was not just me who noticed certain things about her. It was my close friends and my own mother.
What it's worth it sounds like you have tried and tried but getting no where. Just leave them if he goes to see them let him. When he comes home if he wants to chat to you about them then he will. One day they will surprise especially if one of them gets involved with a guy with kids. I honestly once met a guy myself with 3 kids and freaked out. I said I would never hurt them and we just met. He turned around and said you and them are seperate so at that moment he never was going to get me to meet them. Its hard but just get on with your life don't worry about them. New year will be interesting and trust me you bf will see them for what they are.
I do think though its hard for you bf he probably does not know which way to turn he wants u both to get on. I honestly don't think he is happy with this and probably will take his toll on him soon aswell.
Just wondering about the
Just wondering about the comment you made about not congratulating your DH on any "tough love" or he will backslide. What is that all about anyway??? I experience that weekly with my H.
I just found this forum, and it is great. Unless you are in the situation, no one really understands. They just think that you are complaining all the time. Sometimes, I just want to run screaming from the building.
Thanks, that makes a lot of
Thanks, that makes a lot of sense!
I can relate
I only have one SD to put up with, but she treats me the same way. It is so discouraging, especially when you go into it with all the right intentions and they dis you every channce they get. It's almost like they don't want to get to really know you, but are content to believe the wicked stepmother myth.
Thankfully your BF has seen the worst side of them and understands. MY FH doesn't see it with his BD23 and therefore has on rose colored glasses. She is daddy's little princess and could never do anything wrong...So I have done what you are - disengaged myself from her. I think it bothers her more because she can't get a rise out of me. It seems the more I disengaged the harder she tried. She broke many of the things I brought into the house or bought her dad, out of spite. She has never had to apologize or make amneds. He says she didn't do it on purpose...
- well if that were true why was it only my stuff that got broke!
I have also found that when I don't comment on her behavior he is more apt to see it. It's almost as if I am going to bitch about it, he tunes me out. But if I let him see it for himself then he understands. She tries hard to not do anything in front of him, but sometimes she just can't help herself...and then he sees and understands where I am coming from. She continually puts her dirty dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher. I got tired of talking to him about it so I started just leaving them. After he had to clean them up for her he had a long conversation with her. Now she is better about the dishes she uses.
We also have an understanding that she is a grown woman and therefore it is his job to discipline her, not mine. She is a product of how she was raised and if he doesn't like her behavior he is responsible for changing it. I will leave the room if she comes in and starts her crap. Now he sees it and I don't have to nag or bitch or complain about her.
Face it none of us like to hear negatives things about our kids frm someone else, because it is a reflection on how we parented them. But it's ok for us to bitch to them or about them because we can acknowledge our own faults. We just don't want someone else pointing them out.
Good luck and Happy New year! Keep on venting here - it helps keep the sanity in an insane world.
S
S
Passion
Hi
I am 25 year old sd and this is how I was with my stepmum.I use to ring and say hi is my dad there. I suppose at the time you don't think you are doing by not having a conversation with your step-mum. Then it got to the point she would ask me questions which annoyed me and stuff but realised probably she just wanted to see how I was etc. I now ring and have a chat with my step-mum then my dad.
Just be civil for my dad and brothers really. It has taken me along time to get close to her again we are alright now. Well we are not like we was before but we are ok.Although I may get the odd comment from her which I let go over my head. I took the blame for day last time lol. Long story but its him and his communications with her that why he has problems with my step-mum.
m
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Maybe they feel...........
Your trying to take their mothers place. I don't know but just don't bother with them if they not bothering with you. If he talks to you about them listen but thats it. If he then asks why you backed right tell him they seem to want to know so why should I get to know them. I have tried etc.
I honestly think life is too short to keep all this up. Its like now I got a son who is nearly 2. My problem now though I don't refer to my step-mum as nanny to my son. To me he has got his nans alive. My mum we live with but dp is back home in her country. So this upsets my dp as his mum not around. So when they come if they say he says her name not wanting him to call her nan. I personally don't see her as mum even though I refer to her as step-mum I never even call her that I just say my dads wife so and so. She has been good to be growing up and I realise this that is why now I ask her for advice on some things. I just don't really want to upset my mum by being so close to her.
Mizmel
How have things been with your sd's? I bet you dp is slowing waking up to them and realising its them not you? If not maybe he is still in denial that they are angels.
Well just do what you said your going to do. This might hurt your dp that both of his girls and you don't want to get on but he won't put his foot down and tell them they are bang out of order so let it be it.
Just plain fed up...
I'm new to this site but very glad to have found it. I've been struggling with whether I was just being "overly-sensitive" or not. I'm engaged to a man with two grown, married daughters. Both of them just had babies. My fiance and I have been dating for almost 4 years and engaged for about 6 months. He wanted to get married right when we got engaged, but I wanted to wait and make sure we were on the same page regarding some important issues. (My last marriage was a complete disaster and I'm admittedly "gun-shy.") First, I broke my rule of saying I would never, EVER, move into someone else's house again. (I did that with my last marriage and he held my belongings hostage for 8 months before I could get to court and get them back.) I just don't think you can begin a life together as a "team" when one person owns the house and the other justs moves in. However, my fiance just built his house a few years ago and is pretty slow to change. So... once again, I sucked it up and moved in when we became engaged. I just rented my own home out so I'm feeling more vulnerable than ever (no place to run home to!!) Anyhoo... here's my dilemma. My fiance has been divorced form his daughters' mother for over 15 years. He remarried in between but (thank goodness) had no children with wife #2. I don't have children and approaching my mid-40's, won't be having any of my own. I love children and always wanted my own, but it just never worked out. I was committed to having children with someone who wanted to have children and be a father, unlike many of the women I know who "accidentally" got pregnant. This was the case with my fiance's children's mother. She has a good relationship with my fiance's parents and family. And therein lies the problem. I'm happy that they have a relationship and realize that it probably has continued because of the grandchildren. However, the "grandchildren" are now grown, married women with babies of their own. But it seems that everything revolves around their "Mom. When holidays come around, they make a point to call and sometimes visit their Dad and me, but are almost always over at their Mom's. While I think this hurts my fiance's feelings to some degree, I figure that is his issue to deal with if he so decides. However, I'm starting to feel alot of resentment toward this ex wife and her continuous "presence" in everything having to do with my fiance's family. The final straw for me came this past Christmas. All of my fiance's family got together on Christmas Eve (their tradition.) During the meal, both sd's commented on the cake their maternal grandmother had sent for the event. This may seem trivial, but it's part of a pattern that seems to be getting worse, especially since we became engaged. Finally, after almost everyone had left the get-together, my future inlaws received a phone call from none other than "the ex-wife." My future father-in-law commented that my future mother in law could be on the phone for hours with her. Lastly, there seems to be a tradition forming where the future inlaws go to the ex-wife's house for Christmas morning breakfast. Again, I don't want to be one of those paranoid, insecure women who can't deal with my inlaws relationship with their ex daughter-in-law. But I really would like to have my own family unit and not have it constantly "infiltrated" by the ex wife. My parents are deceased and I lost one of my two brothers about a year ago. My immediate family has dwindled away and I feel myself wanting and needing a closeness within my fiance's family. And on top of everything, the ex-wife is remarried and has been for over 15 years. I asked my fiance if her husband had family and he said he didn't really know. I just don't understand why she can't wean herself off of my future inlaws. But with the new "great-grandchildren" now in the picture, I fear it will simply continue. Thanks for letting me vent. Just writing this down (even if its rambling) has made me feel better.
Mizmel--I get it
I have dealt with the same adult skid anger and disrespect aimed at me for years in my own home. It's been 8 years now, and they seem to resent me more than ever. So much for maturing. I tried for 7 years to make it work. So in 2008 I gave up on them, and my life has significantly improved.
I told H I didn't want any of his 5 adult kids in my home or in my life anymore. Hey--if they were complete strangers that treated me this way, why would I put up with it? Their constant negativity, vile gossip, and general trailertrash behavior would bring anyone down, and I don't have to deal with it anymore. There are no "Stepparent Rules" that say you have to put up with abuse in any form.
So I didn't have to see or speak to any of them this past holiday season. No ringing phones (I stopped picking up their calls months ago, so they call H on his cell now). No stressed-out visits. No dinners. It was one of the best holidays I have had in years!
The skids planned a "Family Brunch" on Christmas to which H was invited (not me or BD of course), and I happily booted him out the door to attend. He brought with him the family albums that I had created and paid for (all their family--not me or BD), and I told H to tell them it was all from him. I made those albums earlier in the year before I gave up on them. I thought it was the right thing to do--before a basement flood ruined all their family pictures one day.
I don't ask H how they are doing these days, and I told him I'd rather not hear about any of their drama anymore. I wish them well, but I am completely through. The adult skids are no longer a topic of conversation in our home. Honestly, I feel so much better now that they are not "present" in my life. So does BD. We feel free.
The only downside is that when I threw in the towel and stopped playing the drama games, H blamed me for "not trying anymore" and now the skids can point and blame me for "not wanting to get along." So quickly they change the reality to suit themselves. Sounds like another drama game to me. WHATEVUH. Sarah is no longer playing.
Oh wow!! you sound alot like
Oh wow!! you sound alot like me! LOL. And I have to admit, that after "detatching" myself from the 2 Sd's, I suddenly feel a sense of relief and happiness within me. Its like a weight has been lifted off of me. and it feels just wonderful!!! (sorry for the bragging) LOL..I have been letting this eat at me for so long, I truly become a hateful person myself and i did not enjoy bein in that frame of mind. BUt i noticed, i have been thinking alot of the future, wondering if my fiance is going to tire of all this crap. he says he accepts all this because he loves me, but i still cant help thinking about it.
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Heyyyyyyyy
Hi mizmel,
Well thats good your thinking of yourself more. I even usse to be constant obsessed with my step-mum because of how she treated and was posting all sort on stepfamilies on sites. Really letting everything get to me. Once I said thats it no more stressing myself out things seem to be alot better. I seem to have grown thicker skin and let comments go over my heard. I will never have the relationship really I maybe want. Even though we now get on great but think its because i am older and can see the bigger picture and even though she was wrong in the past I can see by my actions why she was the way she was and what maybe i might have done to make matters worse.
Just don't let them succeed in breaking you and your partner up. You just need to put your foot down.