Carve don't cave
After supposedly "disengaging" from SD24, DH was feeling emotional on Thanksgiving and sent a group text to SS27, BD23 and SD24. (Just to retrace - SD24 has been creating issues so DH and I disengaged from her. The other two kids are fine.) The text said, "SM and I feel so grateful for our wonderful children, Happy Thanksgiving." I didn't know he was going to infer the sentiment was from both of us. I'd be okay saying it to SS and BD, but certainly not SD. I asked DH why he did that. Didn't want to create an issue over it, but how exactly does he think that is disengaging? It's as if he is throwing out opportunities for SD because he is having difficulty holding steadfast to his decision to disengage (she has yet to acknowledge or apologize for her disrespect and behavior).
After the other two kids responded, SD responded with concise "Happy Thanksgiving." (DH's face lit up when he saw the response from SD.) SS sent a longer response and BD sent a response and later face-timed us. I'm wondering if SD responded because she wants xmas cash/presents or if maybe she's seeing the error of her ways - nah...doubt it. She's very manipulative so my guard is always up. Above all, I am wondering why DH sent a "group text" to all the kids when he has never done that before. Was it "pooling leverage?"....if the others respond then she will feel pressured to do the same? I also didn't appreciate that he sent the sentiment from both of us when I have committed to disengagement from SD. He didn't tell me what he texted until after he did it.
I don't want to make this into a mountain, but I felt DH was using the sentimental gratitude moment of the holiday and inferring the sentiment was also mine to "bait" SD into some kind of response. DH has very weak boundaries and is apt to cave. I feel like DH undermined my choice to disengage from SD. Makes me cringe. If DH wants to re-engage with SD then that is up to him, but I absolutely don't and I will not soften up because of the holidays.
This makes me wonder if DH will ever be capable of holding his ground. I feel manipulated and I am not sure why.
He’s not Disengaging
You don’t keeping opening the door if you are Disengaging. You don’t buy Christmas gifts if you are Disengage,
What does it mean to
What does it mean to disengage from your own child? I'm not being snarky, I'm just wondering what that means for you both. For me, as a stepmother, I know what it means, but for my DH, it means something else.
I'm assuming that you didn't think DH would have zero contact with his daughter? I can see sending her a text on Thanksgiving, though it would have been better if he had sent it to his own kids as group, rather than including your kid, too. I picture disengaging from your own child as something like ... not giving them money, not helping them when they beg for help for the 80th time, not responding to guilt tactics etc. Setting boundaries.
It makes sense that since he still loves his daughter, he wants to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. I guess I don't see that as "caving", just as making sure she knows that he still loves her, even if he isn't going to give in anymore.
going with my gut
In the past, he DH always sent texts separately to each one of the kids. This is the first time he "grouped" the text and the way he did it did not sit right with me.
It was the action of saying the message was from both of us. I am conflicted about it. Felt like he was using the "pool all the kids" together then sign it from "both of us" to evoke a response from SD. Anyway, I'm not mad, but I feel compromised...that's the best way I can put it.
No, I agree with that - it
No, I agree with that - it was wrong. He should have asked you first. He could have sent one to his kids and one to your kid separately if he wanted to wish him Happy Thanksgiving, or ask to be included in yours to your kid.
Personally I feel that text
Personally I feel that text messages are a very lazy/convenient way to communicate. If he's having issues with his daughter then a group text is a way to reach out safely because it's less intimate, making it from both of you softens the blow for him. Yes he should have asked you if it was okay to send messages with your signature on it, yet you can think of it as him sending a lazy holiday greeting from both of you.
Your reaction to SD's reply to him on any level can be "hmmm," or "huh", you're always in control on your interaction/reactions. I just had to do this with DH last night when he was telling me something about ss33. My entire reaction was "Oh." When he told me about what was going with ss30 and family I engaged more.
I Agree.
My DH has definitely used texting as a way to avoid having difficult convos with his daughters and family.
DH set the group text because
DH set the group text because as you said, he has weak boundaries and is likely to cave. SD responded only because she knew she would look bad to her siblings if she did not.
Have you required your DH to disengage from SD24 along with you? Or was that his choice? Disengaging means you are also disengaging from the situation, meaning you don't care that he sends text messages or why.
Women and men have been trying to figure each other out for a lot longer than we have been around. Throw step dynamics into the mix and it is even more confusing.
Just let it be and don't make it into a mountain. My DH frequently says things that don't make sense to me, about many subjects.
Bit of a mind boggle
Yes, I guess that is why I feel conflicted. It bothers me that he sent the message from both of us, but then again I feel somewhat indifferent. I don't want him to keep doing this though.
Yup, your DH should never of
Yup, your DH should never of sent out a group text to anyone indicating it was also from you without checking with you to see if you are okay with him speaking for you.
Who knows why DH's do these things, especially since they say they are disengaged. He feels guilty, or he has "my kid cannot do any wrong" attitude. So, no matter how nasty SD is, daddy will always see a halo over her head. My DH acted like this for a long while, until the hateful adult steps burnt him and I many times. At some point the halos disappeared.
Good luck.
I don't like being the net
Thanks everyone for the input. It helps me to put things in perspective so I can clearly speak about the situation with DH. The ability to stay clear and stick with the pertinent issue diffuses DH's defensiveness/anger and helps us to come to a resolution. He's in therapy for anger right now and he's trying to understand his own motivations and reactions.
Still Learning may have hit the nail on the head..."reach out safely because it's less intimate, making it from both of you softens the blow for him."
DH has proven he has difficulty holding boundaries with SD. He allowed her to continue disrespectful and malicious behavior for years before putting his foot down. While we can clearly and candidly communicate with SS and BD, SD24 evokes "fear" reactions from DH (BM trained her well). I played "peacemaker" for a number of years which only resulted in increased manipulation from SD24. I am done, done, done with her.
What made me bristle about this text message is that DH is connecting us (DH and I) through sentiment...which to me infers we are "both trying to re-engage." Nope. Nope. Nope. I chose to disengage from SD and left him to contend with her. I stopped being the "make-everybody-happy-middle-woman." DH chose to "disengage" when I dropped HIS baggage squarely on his back. Albeit, I have no idea what disengage means for him and it will most likely vacillate depending on his emotional needs.
Underneath it all, what really bothers me is that DH is putting me back into the middleman situation that I said "NO" to when I disengaged from SD. Subconscious motivation to ease the emotional burden for himself? This is totally unacceptable to me.
I understand how you feel-
I understand how you feel- but how did you find out that he sent it? If he deliberately showed it to you (and this is what I think you are saying) then I would be reading more into this.
However, men are somewhat lacking in sensitivity- so he may have done it to show what a nice guy he is to you as a means of validating his own feelings- ie I've done this by myself but I'll just show wifey because it was a nice thing to do.
Or,
He's saying he knows you've disengaged but wants to suggest that he doesn't accept it in a roundabout way- men are rarely direct about these things, and thought he'd try and include you as a sign to his kids that you still like him and that you are very much still a couple.
Who knows what men think? It is something TheX might have done and then claim complete innocence whilst at the same time making you think otherwise.
I wouldn't dismiss it as trivial, he's either playing mind games with you or he is just an idiot. You choose.
I understand your frustration
I understand your frustration about your weak husband--mine's the same way. I'd be phissed, too, if he wrote the text from "you", too, but he did it because he wants them to feel like you want them around, too, so they WILL come around him. By the way, for all those who say to "disengage"...how the hades is that done when you're married to a man with children that he loves??? It's just not possible in the long run. He will divorce you. Maybe I'll change my mind later, but I just don't see how any of you feel that's helping your own marriage.
I am guessing your
I am guessing your Stepchildren are emotionally healthy, decent human beings.... or you are misunderstanding the term 'disengage'. It does have many different faces. To me it has always meant that I am cordial, polite, play the role society dictates that I play with my SD24 whenever she is around. It doesn't mean that I do anything extra like invite her over, shop for gifts, remind my husband it is her birthday, text her, answer her calls, (yes.. the actual nerve when she has a flat tire right?) or in general take over any responsibility in my husband's relationship with her. In my case.. all the above only served to make me the scapegoat for everything wrong with their relationship. I treat her the way I would treat a neighbor's child/adult and this allows my husband and her to have the GIFT of seeing exactly who each other is without noise from me. I don't ever feel that I could ask my husband to not allow her in MY house, etc.. That hardcore disengaging stuff would seem like shooting myself in the foot and it would muddy the water just enough to possibly make me the scapegoat in their relationship.. (ie.. NachoQueen is so dramatic.. she doesn't allow me in my dad's house). I do run my errands if I know she is coming over tho and I think this stresses my DH because overall she stresses him out because he created something he is too afraid to correct. That being said, I have recently made the decision that I won't walk on eggshells around her. For 8 years I took it and it only served to embolden her behavior like a child crossing the line waiting for Daddee to show her where the line was. He blew up once and tried to show her the line but then she won the "chicken" war of not speaking and so now I know. Funny all the time I was taking it from her, I assumed that my DH was noticing and appreciating my not rocking the boat but instead it reinforced that she was normal.. I wish I had said "excuse me?" at the first inappropriate moment 8 years ago but I honeslty didn't know familiy disfunction like I do now. I was a Brady Bunch girl in a Bizarro-world family dynamic.