Can't wait for October 2015
I have two SS 28&26.I have two daughters 22&24.We've been married 3yrs.1 out of the 4 Adultkids is not a good person.3 graduated college w/degrees leading healthy lives.One SS26 dropped out of high school. I'm told they have had problem decades before I was in the picture. This is something I knew nothing about while we were dating or getting serious.When we met we both owned homes that were paid off.SS26 lived with DH home.I would see his SS26 when I'd go by but he was always coming or going(I was told ss was working)(making dad company).Absolutely saw no sign of what was to come. I moved into his home with most of my belonging and kept my house vacant.
Living in Texas I traveled often to NY as 1 of my daughters studied there. One day (we were married at this time/living in his home)after coming home from NY I noticed somebody had STOLE one of my TV's & most of my collectible coins & money(not to mention they were through all my drawers!!). I immediately call my DH at work and he was quiet on the other end.I was in shock and scared as I didn't know if it just happened or it days earlier. (TV stolen was upstairs-Our bedroom was downstairs). Anyway, he said to give me a minute and he'd call me back. Hmmm, odd responds. Hadn't call the police yet. 5 minutes later he said he's son said he "borrowed the television". HuH???? I told him did SS borrow my money too??? Less then 6 months of marriage I didn't know what to do. Stupid me at the time I didn't not call the police. After a month or so he brought the TV back(from pawnshop without remote). After that day his son didn't come back to his home. Not long after we sold his home and my DH moved into my home.
Soon my husband was asking for his SS26(the thief) to move in with us.I must have lost my mind but I said yes.>>SS had yet to admit he stole only borrowed tv.SS took over my house while DH was at work. My husband lost his mind letting him live there without ever working,helping around the house, and telling me to shhhhhhh, around the house because his son 26yr was asleep.He gave me a hard time by sleeping in the living room when we had provided him a bedroom.>>Moving along---one day wanted me to take his son to the dentist for Surgery on his teeth because they were God awful. The next morning he took off before I could give him a lift. I manage to catch up to him and asked him to get in the car. Basically, my ss lied to his father he was having surgery and it made me angry because we took him to a lovely dinner expecting it to be his last meat meal for awhile. my DH and my ss had a fight that night and he finally admitted he stole my money. That day he left. Two weeks later he is calling for us to take him in. I stood my ground and said this is my house. He is not moving in. It's the only battle I've won.
What's my problem then?Both my husband and I are successful people...My husband (ultimately My husband and I)is paying for an apartment for him,his cell phone,his food,and I'm sure his entertainment. My husband continues to take him to our ranch(s) (we have equipment which I feel he could steal or send someone to steal). I gave my dh an ultimatum that by my ss birthday to finally stop giving ss a dime or DH needs to move out.DH promised that he would. To give him a full year which would be October 2015. We have been paying for his room&board/cell/fun for 2 yrs.when this all ends a total of 3 years. My husband has 100% been good to his word. We were spending about $2,000 a month on our ss. Now we found a cheaper apt.& with everything we spend about $800 total.
My friends and people I've spoke told me that this ss of mine has been mooching off his father since 18yrs old never ever holding down a job for a week. They say I'll be very disappoint come October 2015. What do you think??
Seems to me they have been on
Seems to me they have been on a long road together for a while now. From what I have studied and read for the last two years you shouldn't get your hopes up. For your sake, I hope I am wrong. Some kids never grown up and understand that the correct spelling is parents and not PAYRENTS. It would have never occurred to me to ask any of my family for money after I was out of the house at 17 but people coddle their kids and really don't understand the ramifications of their actions until it is too late.
I think your friends are
I think your friends are right, that deadline means nothing to your DH and SS.
Don't wait until October. SS
Don't wait until October. SS had had a free ride for 8 years. Time to stop. If DH wants to pay for this free-loader let him, but make sure DH puts his share into your joint expense fund first. Do not contribute another dime of your own money. Also, do not allow SS in your home again. Tell DH he can visit with SS elsewhere.
Borrowed the tv?! $2000 a mo
Borrowed the tv?! $2000 a mo on SS26?! Wow, your DH is in some serious rescuer, enabling denial. I'd move the deadline up to 90 days from now and be firm. 8 more months of enabling this kid will do him no good. Move him into an apt w/roommates, make him get a job. Start weaning him off the teat now.
Feel for you. I have a SS who
Feel for you. I have a SS who is also a thief. Stole $4500 from us over a 6 week period by using my husbands debit card to make 26 cash withdrawals. Husband was lying in hospital on a ventilator at the time. Long story short, we forgave him on the grounds that money was to be paid back in monthly payments. He made a few, refuses to make anymore and told his dad to f- off and to tell me to do the same. He is never allowed to set foot in my home again. Husband still sees him and kisses his behind! Won't press him for the money even tho I support the household! When I demand that he get in ss's ass, he gets mad at me! He'd prefer to just sweep it under the rug! He should not be allowed in your home!
And what, pray tell, is Shock
And what, pray tell, is Shock Incarceration? And how long does it last compared to the 20 year gig?
Here's another opinion that
Here's another opinion that October won't matter. And another story. My SS was living with family several states away, supposedly looking for work. Family found drugs, kicked him out immediately. (Yay for them.) SS told DH he had nowhere to go, tried to get in to various shelters/rehab facilities but there was "a problem" with his id so no place would take him. DH cried. "I can't let my son live out on the streets. It's dangerous."
I was a heartless bitch apparently. But DH was a mess, so for his sake I agreed to paying for a hotel night so that SS and family there could work out options. Does SS stay at an inexpensive hotel? Oh HELL no, a 3 star hotel complete with breakfast and movies. $120/night. He stayed there 3 nights. I lost it at that point and once the hotel bill wasn't being paid, SS miraculously found his way into a rehab/shelter. He's actually done well there and is in a halfway-type house arrangement. Still looking for a job. I hope he's on his way to being a productive adult, but I will never, ever trust him. He knows that.
At this point your SS has chosen his path. Any more money, any more support is just wasted. What makes your DH think SS is actually preparing to be on his own in October? He's done very well so far getting DH to support his lazy ass. He's using you and your DH, and your DH is enabling this behavior. STOP.
And YOU need to stay strong. Let's say you still agree to the October deadline. As someone else mentioned, DH won't want to kick him out around his birthday. Then it will be Thanksgiving. Can't be then. And oh for sure not around Christmas. And then another few months won't hurt. BUt your DH knows your bottom line -- he needs to leave if he continues to support SS. Be prepared to force that issue.
The one year deadline was not
The one year deadline was not something I picked. Actually the therapist said because SS is so incompetent(personally, all he is>>is L.A.Z.Y.--clearly smarter than his dad being he is pulling all the strings. Again, it's the Therapist that said because he has zero skills and such (blah,blah)--SS needed a year to expect was coming. Clearly, I 100% disagreed. Keep in mind My husband never ever, ever wanted a one year dead line. He had told me that he would support him for as long as his son needed help (clearly meant that he would support him forever). We fought many a night because I told him that his son could not have an open door to his monies,taxi,time,all his sons need.
SS does not live with us anymore--I didn't let him back into my home>>it's been about 10 months. However, we pay his apartment/cell phone/food/entertainment (i'm sure). I've not seen him in 10 months. However, he texts his father at least 8-10 times a day for God knows what (how do I know?? I look at the text messages on the cell phone bill on line).
My husband has always kept his word in all the 4 years I've known him. A man of his words. Military guy who is old fashion and a shake hand is all you need to trust he word is GOLD. No lie. I am relying on this. Do I for a moment think he won't keep his work. Nope. He is utilizing this time to send him back to school to get his GED...Although, I don't agree with what he is doing (1) because ss isn't asking for this my DH is. I can't make DH understand that he has to want this. It's not enough you want him to go to school learn a vocational skill etc--SS needs to want it. Whether ss learns this or not October is stops. Or I get off this train. I trust my husband because he gave me his work.
DH is teaching his son carpentry work at the ranch. My problem is my father will end up falling apart once he lets go of his ss. I guess I'm cold hearted because I don't care. My husband doesn't know that this adult man should be on his own. DH has left the house to take his son across the city (an hour drive) to take him to friends houses being he doesn't have a car.
Anyway, one thing I'm absolutely not okay with but MUST is I am not allow to ask how's it going with "them". How's it looking for October? I'm just having to wait till October. Being I agreed with waiting a year. Again, Therapist said cutting him off without help/without any notice to my ss would be a bad thing in our parts. It was our duty and a better outcome if we gave ss a year notice. My problem my SS STILL doesn't know his time is coming to an end in 8 months. No more that I know my life my change in 8 months :/
Did I read this right that
Did I read this right that all of these plans have been made w/out SS's knowledge?! What is the point of an 8 month deadline if SS doesn't know there is one? I'm just wondering why you're waiting 8 mos for "your" life to change. If DH wants to enable the kid fine, let him. You and your wallet do not have to. Get off the train now.
My DH and his ex enabled ss30 for appox 7 years. Poor widdle baby got kicked out of the service (his own fault) and we must take care of him. Nothing changed until DH and I got married and I said, "Hell No!" I'm not babying this grown man. When BM saw that DH and I weren't doing it anymore shortly after she was done too. A few days ago ss30 stops by and brings dad some useful leftover items from his work. It was actually really nice of ss30 and the first time in almost 3 years that he did anything for DH. He also had to show off his new car and new gf. It's amazing what happens when you actually get a job! Afterwards DH was marveling at how great everything was for SS30. I agreed and said, "Your son is extremely capable, intelligent and he is out living his own life." But I have no doubt that he would still be here suckling from DH if I hadn't come in and been "The Bitch." It's a tough job but someone's gotta do it
Who did he think was taking
Who did he think was taking everything? The evil fairies?
^^^The evil fairies! LOL. In
^^^The evil fairies! LOL. In my house it was always our kitten who was blamed by DH when things were missing after SS30 had visited. I'm still waiting to find all my loot stashed away in my now grown cat's secret Al Capone cubby.
"I Don't Know" and "Not Me"
"I Don't Know" and "Not Me" are the invisible gremlins in our house. Evil Aniki is buying stealth cams this week...
What do you suspect 3 days
What do you suspect 3 days from now will look like??????????????????????????????????????????
It's been a year and 2 Months since I posted. Somethings have changed and somethings remain the same. My husband's son no longer lives with us (it's been a year now). However, since we (really I)forced my husband's hand...I've managed to have his son move out. A year ago I washed 8 loads of clothes/dry/folded his clothes and off he left--How??? My husband took his son to a)initially to a hotel which we paid over $1,000 a month!! to live till we found him something more permanent.
After 6 months of that we (again,I*although my husband gives his son the credit)found a home to rent.Rented only a room for $400 a month. Where his lazy ass continues to reside.
My husband as well as his son will both claim he had had a job here and there yet He hasn't had a job in years. I say all his son has done is relax and partied at our expense. We pay this rent/electricity/cell phone/his food/husband gives him rides occasionally/ & party money for his entertainment.
I very much dislike him.
I didn't have this much anger until months before my husband & I married---This son Stole my TV/and VERY EXTREMELY sentimental money (My father collected and was of value-my father has since passed away). He returned the tv and never the money.
Anyway a year ago Oct 1, 2014 my Therapist (yes, I'm seeing a therapist because I was (AM)consumed my this lazy ass kid not able to make it on his own. Anyway, I gave my husband an ultimatum a year ago that he had a full YEAR (the end of October 2015)to stop providing his son money or my husband would have to move out (luckily, We live in My home before marriage). After hours/days he finally agreed..I repeated the conditions and our agreement about every quarter --by then he knew I meant business.
4 MORE DAYS ---My husband will have to STOP funding money or I will no longer accept taking this any longer. I must tell you I have snicked into my husbands cell phone and read some messages...My husband has informed his son that he will be cutting all funding. His son is hitting back with What will I do????I'll be homeless?? I cry every night asking God for help?? sometimes he changes it up and tries the sympathy card..."I'm no good",don't worry about it I'm not worth helping", "I wasn't meant to be happy", "I have no food/no life/ I'm so very skinny" blah blah, blah.
His son is 27 years old this Month. No drivers license because he never paid any of his prior fines (which I wouldn't be surprised if my husband has paid them already. He has no car because the one he had he sold for CASH. You can't give him anything because he lives at the pawn shops. I honestly haven't seen his son in over a year yet I see him text my husband daily--DAILY. DAILY!!!!! For money..nothing else. My husband as wonderful and a smart man that he is --has only one MAJOR FLAW....His son. My husband does not see that his son is using him/okay he allows himself to be used.
My problem is the arguing about the money given to his son is this. My husband is well off. We are pretty much set financially and I myself am pretty much financially set before we married.
My point is that I'm not willing to give my money to someone who does nothing to earn or help. My husband just keeps saying he just can't find a job without a car. I have two daughters before marriage and I PAID all their 4 years COLLEGE degrees without any help because they EARNED IT. They have zero student loans. ZERO. If i'm going to give money I'm going to give those that show effort.
Ok..What do you suspect 3 days from now will look like??????????????????????????????????????????