BM and Adult SKids Share a Brain!
They really do! Adult skids 34 and 35 do not seem to have a thought that did not originate from BM!
NEWS FLASH !!!BM HAS SUCCESSFULLY CONDUCTED THE BRAIN TRANSPLANT !!!
BACKGROUND -
In the course of the hours long rant with my SD I informed her that she and her brother always tried to set unrealistic standards up for her father and I that could never be met. Obviously standards was a poor choice of words because SD 34 in response told me that yes she did this because she had her "sainted " BM as a role model for her "high standards":sick:
I really had to try hard not to bust out laughing at that but I continued to take the high road and not attack BM even though I had so much ammunition it would have been easy to do - the main reason I didn't attack her "sainted mother" was that the conversation would have really digressed if I had told her what we thought, what BM had done, and what a crappy mother BM really had been to her - as SD 34 would have begun a rant in response. In retrospect perhaps I should not have held back!!!
Then SD 34 proceeded to tell me that she could not imagine her "sainted" mother being married to her father because of the fact that BM and I are so differant....meaning that I am so horrid compared to BM being a "saint" and all (I throw up a little in my mouth just typing the word "saint" in connection to BM).... When SD 34 next proclaimed that she could not begin to list all of the ways we were differant - I asked her to not bother because I simply did not care. (This in reality was the highest compliment SD 34 ever paid me as I pride myself in being as differant from evil, vindictive, maniupulative BM as possible! H took this as a compliment also !!!! 
)
SD 34 then went on to proclaim how devoted BM was to her and SS 35. During this conversation I attempted to reason with SD telling her that while she proably saw BM often during the week not all families operated that way (her Dad's did not) and that this should not be taken personally but instead recognized as normal. I mean there is no way H will ever call her more than once every week or so even if they are on good terms - so why demand or criticize if he does not do more.
At this point in the conversation SD 34 reveals that "IF BM IS NOT SEEING HER FACE TO FACE SHE IS CALLING HER 15 TIMES A DAY!!!!!!!!"
Maybe it is just me but in my mind there is no way that SD can ever be expected to move on, lead her own life, make her own decisions, etc.etc etc. with so much MATERNAL INVASION!!!!!
Then it occurred to me. BM has a cult and the members are SD 34, SS 35 and the grands!
An earlier blog about cults and PAS having commonality seemed so appicable here!!!!!) The reason I compare it to a cult is that BM has made herself indespensible to adult skids through money donations, time, gifts, and emotional blackmail - especailly the demand to unite against us and do whatever it takes to try to mess with us - even to the point where they think that they have the RIGHT to involve our bios. SD 34 remarked several times about her RIGHT to my children because she is the sister and "shares blood". UHHH NO!!!!
It is our opinion that adult skids simply could not fathom themselves thinking or behaving independantly - hence my comment that they all share one brain!!!!
If BM needs that much contact and control over grown a** adults that she has to call them 15 times a day then there is no way that H ever had a chance to have any type of meaningful relationship with either child at any stage of their life. I mean I knew that they were always up each others a** but I NEVER DREAMED IT WAS AT THIS LEVEL.
In H's and my opinion this has made it very obvious that all of the efforts being made to get back in touch with H after the last 3 year emotional blackmail thing did not produce the results that they wanted are being orchestrated by BM. These so called adults do not make a move without consulting the "saint" herself! Oops did it again :sick:
The biggest problem for BM though is that she has created such a monster with SS 35 that neither she nor SD can control him and his rants include more information than they want divulged ( that skids are jealous of bios, etc) and he resorts to nasty tatics like sending my underage bio filthy offensive texts that they are forced to try to clean up after!
Maybe it is just me but I do not want anyone calling me 15 times a day! H says he doesn't either. H says that BM was like this with her own parents and it is one of the reasons that they split. H can not stand this behavior!!! Myself I would feel stalked!
In looking around I simply do not know of but a couple of people that talk to their parent every day unless there is a reason such as illness. I know of no one else that has a parent call them 15 times a day!!!!! It seems to us to be excessive and unhealthy to the extreme!!!!
Is it just us? Does anyone else share our take on this or is there any concievable way this could be a healthy relationship?
How many others share the medical marvel of a Shared Brain Transplant?
It doesn't sound healthy to
It doesn't sound healthy to me!! Uhh smother much?
SA - I have taken some time
SA - I have taken some time to think about all of this and agree that you are right that SD 34 will never be the SD that I would have preferred. I already knew this but this phone call has finally totally confirmed this to me but more importantly I think that it confirmed to H that the most he can hope for is a superficial relationship with SD away from myself and our bios.
Until this phone call I have (in 28 1/2 years) never had words with her either on the phone or in person. All of her prior ugly actions towards me or our bios were very passive agressive - the type that it is difficult to openly address - particularly around other people - without appearing to be a B*T*H, as SD would have simply replied that she did not do anything!
Although ugly things had been said about me to H by adult skids -he does not pass the exact comments on to me - I simply know that some things were said because I have heard him defend me during a lot of their conversations.
The reason for my contacting her was that I was fed up with her and her adult brothers' refusal to leave my bios alone. I knew that H would not demand that they do so and I refuse to let her think that anything they have to say in this regard will make a differance. H would never have stood up to her or SS. He believes all of their lies that they LOOOOVE our bios despite all of their actions to the contrary. I do not and will NEVER believe her on this because I was the one that saw the expression on her face after the offroad vehicle incident that I wrote about previously. Also, Skids never contacted bios prior to their actions 3 years ago and in the past 3 years can not even seem to remember their birthdays! Bios have both told me that they want no contact with either of them. Bios have refused to take calls or return texts or IMs when adult skids found a way to get around blocks.
When I manage to stop contact on facebook or phone they manage to come up with another devious way to try to get through via someone else's FB page, someone else's phone etc. They are fixated with trying to make bios talk to them. The main reason I talked to SD 34 was to protect my bios because I knew that H would not be firm with her. I was fed up with trying to constantly be one step a head of their constant onslaught of efforts to I wanted to make it clear to her and SS that our bios do not want contact and I also would not allow it so they needed to stop harrassing bios and instead work on their relationship with their father.
SA you are very lucky that your SDs do not have BM behind the scenes trying to connive and manipulate your skids to try to get at you through your own bios. Those of us that don't think like evil manipulative people do our best to keep ahead of and anticipate these type of people's next action.
It has gotten to the point that if this continues after this phone call with SD I plan to document that I have told them to leave my bios alone and then to go in for a RO if they don't. IMHO there is no excuse or reason for anyone to continually try to harrass children and that is exactly what this amounts to! I mean even our bios have told them by not responding that they want no contact - why won't these idiots back off!!!!!
Never mind I already know the answer - they know their actions bother H and myself and that is their ONLY goal in life!
Believe me - I would prefer no contact but the protection of my bios comes first.
I'm not sure why you decided
I'm not sure why you decided to re-engage with them after a 3-year hiatus, but after reading what your life has been like all these years, I can't say I'm a bit surprised by the behavior.
And yes, my three SDs have the same sick dysfunctional relationship with their BM. Although they are younger- 20, 18, and 15. The two older ones are now away at college, and even when they lived with us 50% of the time, theyneeded to talk to BM ALL THE TIME. Still (we see the phone records) oldest SD, a junior in college talks to BM at least 10 times a day. That's abnormal.
And what 15 year old needs to talk to her mother that many times a day? It's obsessive and sick. Our BM is a Borderline Personality, so she has a self-esteem issues as well as perceived issues with "abandonment." I don't know if this is the case with your BM, but, whatever the case, its ridiculous to watch- which is exactly why I detach myself from the craziness of it all!
I wish you luck. I'm only "8 years in" to this nonsense. I can only imagine how things will play themselves out when they (ahem) grow up and have children of their own.
Thanks for responding. This
Thanks for responding. This is the first time I actually in all of these years found out how much contact steps have with BM. When they were young BM rarely called them when they were with us. SD even lived with us a few months when she was 13 or 14 (after BM threw her out)and BM rarely called her. BM could not even bother to get her something for Easter that year but when she found out that I had gone out and thoughtfully purchased sseveral nice spring clothes and accessories for SD, BM drove to the drugstore and threw a few cosmetics and unrelated facial cleaning products in a bag and presented it to SD with no tissue or card! It was just a few randomly purchased items thrown in a pastel bag that was way too big for its meager contents! LOL! But to SD it might as well have been gold! Glad BM's jealousy of me instigated her to improve her relationship with SD!
I suppose I did not realize how tight a grip she really had on the adult skids before this past year because when the skids were little BM was more interested in her own good time and her new H than the children. The children were not supervised, she rarely disciplined them, kids were dressed in rags with holes, clothes and kids were dirty most of the time, when they started running away and getting into trouble as preteeens she called the cops on them instead of handling it herself, etc etc, etc, Now since her 2nd husband also left her she has no one else I quess. I wonder how skids would now take it if BM were to now find someone to put up with her. With these tight of reins between them I doubt very well.
After thinking about this I totally realize this is not healthy or normal and my bios do not need to be near any of it! I did make the correct decision regarding my children.
I'm not sure why you decided
I'm not sure why you decided to re-engage with them after a 3-year hiatus, but after reading what your life has been like all these years, I can't say I'm a bit surprised by the behavior.
And yes, my three SDs have the same sick dysfunctional relationship with their BM. Although they are younger- 20, 18, and 15. The two older ones are now away at college, and even when they lived with us 50% of the time, theyneeded to talk to BM ALL THE TIME. Still (we see the phone records) oldest SD, a junior in college talks to BM at least 10 times a day. That's abnormal.
And what 15 year old needs to talk to her mother that many times a day? It's obsessive and sick. Our BM is a Borderline Personality, so she has a self-esteem issues as well as perceived issues with "abandonment." I don't know if this is the case with your BM, but, whatever the case, its ridiculous to watch- which is exactly why I detach myself from the craziness of it all!
I wish you luck. I'm only "8 years in" to this nonsense. I can only imagine how things will play themselves out when they (ahem) grow up and have children of their own.
I'm not sure why you decided
I'm not sure why you decided to re-engage with them after a 3-year hiatus, but after reading what your life has been like all these years, I can't say I'm a bit surprised by the behavior.
And yes, my three SDs have the same sick dysfunctional relationship with their BM. Although they are younger- 20, 18, and 15. The two older ones are now away at college, and even when they lived with us 50% of the time, theyneeded to talk to BM ALL THE TIME. Still (we see the phone records) oldest SD, a junior in college talks to BM at least 10 times a day. That's abnormal.
And what 15 year old needs to talk to her mother that many times a day? It's obsessive and sick. Our BM is a Borderline Personality, so she has a self-esteem issues as well as perceived issues with "abandonment." I don't know if this is the case with your BM, but, whatever the case, its ridiculous to watch- which is exactly why I detach myself from the craziness of it all!
I wish you luck. I'm only "8 years in" to this nonsense. I can only imagine how things will play themselves out when they (ahem) grow up and have children of their own.
I'm not sure why you decided
I'm not sure why you decided to re-engage with them after a 3-year hiatus, but after reading what your life has been like all these years, I can't say I'm a bit surprised by the behavior.
And yes, my three SDs have the same sick dysfunctional relationship with their BM. Although they are younger- 20, 18, and 15. The two older ones are now away at college, and even when they lived with us 50% of the time, theyneeded to talk to BM ALL THE TIME. Still (we see the phone records) oldest SD, a junior in college talks to BM at least 10 times a day. That's abnormal.
And what 15 year old needs to talk to her mother that many times a day? It's obsessive and sick. Our BM is a Borderline Personality, so she has a self-esteem issues as well as perceived issues with "abandonment." I don't know if this is the case with your BM, but, whatever the case, its ridiculous to watch- which is exactly why I detach myself from the craziness of it all!
I wish you luck. I'm only "8 years in" to this nonsense. I can only imagine how things will play themselves out when they (ahem) grow up and have children of their own.
Sometimes people build their
Sometimes people build their entire relationship based on hatred toward a targeted person. SM’s very handily fit that role. Skids get to express all their anger toward mom on that bitch and mom’s love that get out of jail free card. And as soon as the target withdraws they are left without their focal point and don’t want to deal with the actual anger they have toward each other so their relationship is flat and uninteresting, plus it runs the risk of veering off into the hard work of introspection which they will avoid like the plague. It might turn out that mom is not the saint she has been exalted to be but is in fact just an ordinary, petty, vindictive woman hell bent on destroying her ex’s marriage in whatever devious way she can.
The best thing you can do it totally extract yourself from the equation until they undertake the hard work of personal growth. The more Christian they feign to be, the more unlikely that is to happen. I too have fallen for the olive branch decoy that was just another head game to lure me into a trap for their sole purpose of getting ammunition so they could renew their attacks upon me. They have not changed.
Like you BM was the instigator behind it all. A little birdie told me (BM loves using these kinds of cutsie phrases so I thought I would throw that in for fun) that BM and SD would get on the phone for at least an hour daily to bitch, complain, plan and plot of how they were going to go about sabotaging me, without themselves ever being identified as the source. Enter SS. He was always the expendable one in the family and by virtue of that “outsider” role was also the most loyal to his BM and sister in the impossible hope of finally gaining their good graces. Their bidding was his command and he blithely agreed to serve that function largely unconscious of the fact that he was being used and there was no hope for redemption for him in their eyes.
He was easily aroused to a bad temper and they knew it. So they would deliberately provoke him so he would fly into a rage and unjustly attack myself and DH on behalf of some fabricated offence that had apparently been so wretched it had reduced poor defenceless BM and sister to crocodile tears. It was an extremely destructive dynamic and ended any chance of a relationship with me and consequently has severely strained their relationship with their father. (same way they would react if someone treated their spouse so horridly)
They still don’t get it, and I hold no hope they will ever understand their complicity in the breakdown of this relationship. I think we will be long in the grave before they even begin to get that far in their own personal development.
NO, they have no absolutely no right to sidestep you and have a relationship with your kids. I would say being their mother trumps any card they have to play.
Our situations sound so
Our situations sound so similar. I never really thought about the effect my disengaging had on SD and her mother's relationship. Now that you have pointed it out I can almost see all of this happening. It actually explains a lot.
Thank you for being so understanding, for sharing your experience with me and for letting me know that I am not alone in this type of situation. I already told my husband that I will not endure such a conversation with SD again because there is no hope for her to think independantly as long as BM calls her 15 times a day. SD will NEVER CHANGE. SD basically has no time for a thought that is not her own and I am through dealing with evil BM.
I feel sorry for my H though because he now I think finally recognizes (based on this latest revelation) that the most he can hope for is a superficial relationship with SD 34 away from his wife and our bios.
Very insightful post,
Very insightful post, donna123! That's exactly how I feel, as well.