Being present for meeting

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So for two years there's been issues with BM , SS 20 , SD 24. Both live with BM .
The court ordered stuff except for the suv is the only pay out he has left.
The house was finally sold. BM had it for 3 yrs court ordered.
Now, it seems every single time I'm with DH , Sd gives him directions how to get to her moms house.
Yes, it's an invite . Yes it's intentional to piss me off.
And there's the smart ass comments and rude faces. And there's been back stabbing comments why I should Not be with DH at all. (Behind my back )
The BM also told DH he should be with someone she approves of. Blah blah.

When I accidentally did Easter last weekend yeah ---- I so regret that. ( it was explained in earlier post ) It has and was 2 yrs since I've seen SD. I have a post about that.
That incident has caused DH and I to fight two days and how he pretends that he didn't even listen to her as she gave him physically directions to BM new house. He was 12 inches across the table.
It appears to me he's afraid of her. He doesn't have my back.
So, here goes my question. Should of I not got up and walked outside several times ? ( many were with heavy sighing and staring into my phone so I wouldn't blow ) Or should of got up and had my say so as she was giving driving directions to BM s house ?
Bc DH just stared at her with silence .

Secondly : we've discussed a one on one meeting with her. Should this happen ?

I'd like to say he has in the past done which This gave her a strong back bone . ( I believe it did )
:
She ran my name down as a whore. Bc she said she saw X post on social media and it said this. Blah blah blah... Which now DH said he backed me up bc he corrected her statement bc he read it himself.
She also opened my social media page bc it was public at the time . And commenced looking for it right there as they talked . And exclaimed it's gone.!!

Then he commenced to tell me that she was going to apologize that was two yrs ago. ( yes I know she's not sorry )

While dating we did take her to eat and such. Then one day she blew for no reason other then jealousy.
No, I did nothing. My dating was 6 months then. She pointed her finger at me and said I'm his only girl and don't you ever forget it , waving finger. My only response was a smile and said ha whatever .

So, I basically didn't want to be around SD at all.
Yes , bc I chose that, I I was made out by DH as not offering a fig limb out to either one of his kiddos . Adults .

This comes about bc he had them over twice. All SD did was find cheap shots about mini trips with BM and saying hey remember dad when we went here with mom.
Cheap shots all talking about the past and past road trips like her parents are still together .
But DH swears he doesn't notice. Wth????

We've tried ignoring, being cordial, him meeting them at other places, him leaving them alone.
Frankly I want nothing to do with them. But, he guilts me.

And I'm sick of him saying ( that he ) I just ignore it. It doesn't bother me. How could it not bother him ? It is getting worse.
I am the one who gets kicked in the teeth and it makes me angry at him for his holy then now attitude.
I know he has balls of steel. But , if I snap which it's coming . I have no brakes.

Then that will definitely give SS and SD ammo to hate me forever. ( plus, they all run to BM )
( he has blocked BM phone, email goes to the attorneys office and her work phones )

I just want to know should I be involved in another meeting with me present?? I'm afraid I'll go off.
But I'm so sick of her (SD) running me down to him. I want to defend myself not my DH . I want to be able to defend her crazy thoughts about me. Yes, I'm still mad but have calmed down a lot since Easter .
I took a trip to calm down. But, I flared with a fury when I sat him down like I said I would about his daughter when I returned.

It didn't go well. I felt like he was pushing off talking to sd. I felt like he thought it was no big deal. He started bringing. Up my daughter out of state . Which is a long story.
But, I lost my control and said some mean things . I did tell him his daughter was manipulating, narcissistic and rude amongst other things. And that I've had it with the bashing and picking our relationship apart.
He's told his daughter we'd marry, that she was NOT welcome in our house they way she treats me ect....

Obviously, nothing he says matters to him. The SD is the main culprit here . Miss drama and drama BM.

He accused me of thinking I should force him to disown them. I never said such. I am sick of being kicked in the teeth, belittled and ravage by her big mouth. ( SD)
He rarely admits even his ex is 10 X worse. I say this bc a good old friend of his stopped speaking to him for a yr and when I saw him at a potluck he ignored me coming up and put my hand on his shoulder and saying hi how are you ? The guy turned his head and acted as though I was a monster.
DH , said that was his ex at hand. I was at the potluck totally embarrassed and felt like dirt.
I'm so frustrated .

On a side note I've never seen in person nor met BM . But everyone I meet that has known her warns she's a witch with a B, crazy, loud, demanding, gets in people's faces for no reason, that she made her entire family miserable and treated her kids like dirt. I have no idea why SD takes pride in being just like her BM . Ugh

That would be a big fat,

That would be a big fat, "NO," to any meeting.

He can see his adult kids on his own, you do not have to put up with them. Your SD has already drawn the line (she's his only girl?) and a meeting isn't going to fix anything.

Yes. Only girl. My AD's like

Yes. Only girl.

My AD's like DH.

She has drawn a line. Yes she has.

You have to disengage from

You have to disengage from her completely. There is absolutely no plausible reason that a person has to put up with a toxic person who is not a relative or coworker (even then...). Let him know in no uncertain terms that he is not to TALK to you about her and she is NOT to come to your house. He can meet her elsewhere to hang out. You are your husband's wife. You are nothing to her. She is nothing to you. He needs to back off of trying to make you two have a relationship. Just be DONE.

It is because he wasn't a good HUSBAND in the first place and shut that shit down when they say crap about you that it is as bad as it is!

No he does not have to disown

No he does not have to disown SD - but you do. I agree with misstep. This woman should just disappear from your life 100%. You should not even have to hear her name mentioned again.

I'm pretty sure this is

I'm pretty sure this is against the rules or something but has anyone ever just gone off on an adult skid and just plain out told them to come off of it? Has anyone ever leveled one of them out? Not trying to highjack post but when I read these posts in my mind I think how about just calling the little b**** out right then and there when she tells him "take a left on this street", how about just straight up asking, "why the hell are you telling him how to get to your mothers house? He is married to me and no directions to anywhere are going to change that".

IDK it just seems like if you keep waiting on DH to man up you might blow up waiting. I always tell my SO, you handle it or I will and if left to my own devices I can assure you that everyone involved will wish you had taken care of it.

The way these people act is appalling to me and the only reason most of us don't go off on them is because we love our SO's but shi*, sometimes a spade is a spade.

I would have no problem going

I would have no problem going off on my SD24 but she doesn't give me a reason to.

There was one time when she was 17 and on the pone with DH (but I could hear her) and she was trying to convince him that I had erased a message from her, telling him that she was coming over (which didn't make sense, she got the answering machine because he was NOT home).

I loudly called her a liar and she asked DH, "Are you gonna let her talk to me like that?" Um, yeah, because you are the one lying! And that's what he said to her, too.

My SD doesn't have the nerve that some of these girls have. And my DH is not afraid of her, either, like some of these dads.

Yep. I'm on the verge of

Yep. I'm on the verge of blowing up. I'm super nice but I've had too many hot coal shoved up my ass for two yrs when I do see the SD

Since he said nothing to shut

Since he said nothing to shut her down on Easter or two yrs ago .
I'm demanding he step up. Which he said you don't have to tell me , I agree.

Also, my request is :
He must lay down adult rules.
1. You will not keep inviting me or give me directions to your BM house
2. You will stop bringing up the past about BM

If he doesn't do it this week then I have to do something else then. I know where my walking shoes are

Sorry to say but if this is

Sorry to say but if this is your hill to die on then you'd better dig a hole. Demanding with "You" statements will only get resentment and push back. It would be better to set boundaries/expectations that have to do with your own behavior, which is the only thing in this situation you can control. Getting DH to make sd stop giving directions, or bring up the past is out of your hands. Deciding that you're going to have other plans when DH and SD are together is something you can control. Being there to defend yourself against sd's accusations is just ludicrous. If there is no basis for her lies then who cares.

I moved from another state. I

I moved from another state. I can't up and see my family anytime . And I'm limited to just staying home on holidays if I'm not going out of state for a holiday. I'm good for staying home if that means not seeing his kids.

I don't feel i should stay home and not be with DH bc if his skids.
I married DH not the skids.

Why should I suffer bc SD is arrogant and controlling ?

I either ignore her or step up and stop her with giving directions and the past. I can't stop her from repeating . I'm just tired of being the one getting up and expecting to not create a scene
It's a horrible feeling

Thank you. Exactly.

If I ever open my mouth it

If I ever open my mouth it will be devastating to our entire relationship if I unleash my fury on his daughter.

I'm sick of being treated like dog shit .

I'm sick of her holy then now attitude.

This girl doesn't even date. She went to college and spent her day sleeping while off or working part time in a nursery .
She lives with BM .
He admitted she sleeps with her blankie from childhood. When asked, why doesn't she hang out with people her age instead of insisting last year you take her to the zoo or the county fair ?
He responded not too many people like her. She's loud and annoying to them.
She wants me to entertain her by feeding her and paying her way bc she doesn't want to spend her money. Omg !
So, DH does know what a freak she really is.
Of course, my response was and you keep babying her !!

I'm in wow of this SD.

No meetings, no more contact

No meetings, no more contact with your SD, unless it is your choice! Stop the game now!

Before I say this; let me say, "Every relationship/marriage is different with different issues". With that said, here is what I did; not saying you should do the same.

I let this same mistreatment go on for 30+ years, hoping my DH would step up. It never happened, so six years ago (married 36 years) I decided to handle it myself. Everything EXPLODED! Law Enforcement got involved, I booted DH to SD's to live, Court Orders were put in place by my Attorney; I lost it! You say devastating, yes it was devastating. That all happened one year ago and we are doing well now.

I ask myself; why did I wait all these years and not set boundaries, until I exploded. I set boundaries and took control of my own life, I suggest, before it gets out of hand; don't involve your DH. Stay calm and tell SD: "I will cut off your head and P**ss down your wind pipe, if you don't back off and leave me alone, stay away from me if you can't act civil. This is not a threat, it is a promise." Then tell your DH exactly what you said and stick to your guns forever.

I also told my DH that SD and family are not to come around me at all; I will place my next Court Order on SD and her family, if they contact or stalk me. There will be no social media contact, not come to our home when I am here, and SD and family are welcome to visit and spend as much time with DH as they wish, as long as I am not expected to put up with SD and her family.

It is a rough road and yes devastating; I only have one regret, I should have stopped it years ago. It is a full time maintenance job also, because they live less than one block from us.

"So, here goes my question.

"So, here goes my question. Should of I not got up and walked outside several times ? ( many were with heavy sighing and staring into my phone so I wouldn't blow ) Or should of got up and had my say so as she was giving driving directions to BM s house ?"

Meh, just cut to the chase on this one. What I would have done? Gotten pen and paper, asking her to slowly give address (so to be correct). H*ll, even asking for clarification on spelling of street. Thanking her. Walked over to laptop , map search, print directions and handed it to DH.

No need for address/directions to ever be brought up aging. Thanks. Got it covered.

Meeting? Absolutely not. Stop giving this adult skid so fricken' much attention and head space. Currently you're not only given the SD the power but also permission for all this.

His biblical comments about

His biblical comments about fig tree limb.
Idk what that even meant until he explained it.

He has a biblical excuse that I .... Am to blame

I understood that SD was

I understood that SD was giving Dad directions to Mom's house while having dinner with Dad/SMom. Dad's response was to stare at her in silence which, while kind of P/A, IS a response. It didn't engage SD on the location of Mom's home, didn't indicate interest in going there, etc. Not, IMO an issue worth much space in SMom's head.

I understood that SD was

I think SMom wants to be

I think SMom wants to be present w/SD and Dad. Not Mom.

Thank you.

"You should see them start to

"You should see them start to quiet down as they become uncomfortable discussing their mother with you." Oh, I just LOVE this!!! May I also suggest something a 'friend' does that drives people bananas? She talks about her distant relatives in long, detailed stories. It's boring as hell! Every time they bring up BM start in with your third cousin, Fred, who had a similar experience, bla, bla bla!

I tried butting in , by

I tried butting in , by talking to DH about other people. But he tried to include her. Eek. No. So, she didn't like I have to say. I just
Wasn't quick enough to do more. I was caught off guard but next time I'm trying stepaside advice on #3

First of all, thank you

Secondly I'm glad you took the time to reply to my questions.

Thirdly, yes #3. I think I'm trying that. Because yes it is like I become paralyzed when SD bring up BM and this crap. I go silent .

I think that might work. Because as I was reading what you wrote it hit it on the head.
Since sd has learned I'm not talking as she's picking she probably knows I'll stay silent.
If there's a next time I'm doing that. I'll let you know what happens .
Thank you . It's worth a try

OP, why are you acting so big

OP, why are you acting so big and bad-ass, yet you have failed time and time again to not confront these issues when they occur?

Directions to BM's house? Either ignore it, or quip that "Sweetie, I think your Dad divorced her for a reason. I don't really think he wants to visit. Do you, hon"?

You present yourself as if you are capable of two things- whimpering like a mouse, or going full blown psycho. Why not choose the middle option, which is confront like a mature adult?

Hell, you are playing as many games as SD!

And the saying is "holier than thou", not holy than now.

Big and bad bc DH assured me

Big and bad bc DH assured me his kids told them they were going to be nice and play nice .
And that would either hurt or make one mad if it's proved they lied right ?
I chose not to do nothing bc I was told on here not to engage and I didn't . And it posed another problem.

I choose not to let her see it makes me mad. You think she cares ? No she doesn't.
But, it should be DH saying no , or shut up, or something.

I'm venting and ranting to

I'm venting and ranting to release my frustrations here so I don't in real life. That's why this webpage exists so people can vent

I think you are missing my

I think you are missing my point and getting so defensive it is going over your head. Should it make you mad? Of course! Will it bother you? Of course! Does it hurt? Of course!

But what you aren't seeing is YOUR part in the play. And you DO have a part, whether you want to admit it or not.

You only present two reactions- #1 where you either enable and get quiet and say nothing to either SD or your DH and allow the rude comment or whatever to occur, or #2 you are swinging to the opposite end of the spectrum and go all out nuts on DH and start making ultimatums and demands

It will never work. If you bite your tongue and never call either of them to the carpet for their behavior, then basically you are saying "this OK by me". You can't take the stance of "this is OK by me", and then suddenly think you can change your stance and have that go over well.

So lets say now you are fed up, and you snap. Your DH will dismiss you as being "crazy and over reacting" because you only go full throttle now and again, so it's not worth it for him to change the dynamic. It's easier for him to just put up with the rare outburst, knowing that it will go away and you will go back to the silent (and accepting) mode. So you are training him to not take you seriously and ignore you.

It's a pointless cycle that keeps you trapped exactly where you are, and keeps the drama going. Think about that- YOU are ACTIVELY playing a role in making sure this HAPPENS.

But if you address it somewhere in the middle- like sitting down and having a calm but serious conversation about what you will and will not accept- you might get somewhere.

It just sounds like your communication skills are lacking, and you are creating the very thing you don't want.

Sounds like : no this is what

Sounds like : no this is what it is. DH has adopted a philosophy before I even existed to go silent and the issue is solved . He's admitted that is how he deals with things.
I told him that's why his daughter is so over the top.
He said he's always had issues with her since she was little. Now, she's an adult issue.
That's why I have no desire to be around them.
Why should I be abused because he does nothing. They aren't my spawn and in no way am I going to allow this meat grinder to stay on.
I'm going to try stepaside advice. My children don't disrespect me as adults so I have no idea. I'm on here to hopefully eventually get some solid advice. Instead of totally disengagement bc that is Not working.

And I think DH and I have reached a limit.
Thank you
I'm trying my best to understand your view.

For Easter I went outside bc

For Easter I went outside bc I couldn't deal with sd. He came out and looked at me disappointed. I just was so upset I was paralyzed.
How could he give me a disappointing look. ?
I was outside so upset. I was so done and wanted to go home. The sun was shining. Deer and geese at the pond. It gave me relief from the situation.
I don't feel it's up to me to do anything about his daughters big mouth. I didn't move here and leave my state for constant drama.
So, there I'm sure will be another time.
His son was talked to by DH yesterday. He son said with a sad face I didn't think we did anything wrong by telling you how to get to our house.
I asked do you believe that. He really hesitated . I said that sounds like a guilt trip. I said well now he knows we don't want it, right ?
Ugh

1. Yes you misread 2. Yes , I

1. Yes you misread

2. Yes , I agree. DH and I talked about this. And we were able to say that he no longer expects me to go out of my way , mingle ect..

3. He does not want to spend holidays alone with them. He wants me to be right beside him. I need to do and mentally paste cat or dog faces on skids on walk right by them and put a smiley face on me.

I agree with stepaside too

I agree with stepaside too !!!
I'm grateful for the responses stepaside gave especially #3, start with questions and questions.... What a great idea.

Not only that but it kills them bc they don't want me uttering nothing about BM .

I'm going to try it :)))))))

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Being present for meeting