Back to counseling - eye opening
Went back to my long time counselor today. After I spilled my guts she was able to cut to the chase. My DH has made our relationship feel like it’s secondary to his 34 yo daughter and his grandchildren. He says how much they need his influence but it’s to the detriment of our marriage. And my fear of speaking up to tell him how I feel is old patterns of behavior for me from the abuse I went through in my first marriage and tip toeing around so as not to rock the boat. I have no fear of speaking to anyone else about anything else except to him about how all the dysfunction makes me feel.
She gave me some really great suggestions about dealing with all this and I’m getting on a regular schedule with her for a while. When she feels so comfortable in our home that she can behave however poorly she wants, then I feel like it’s not even my home anymore. That’s why I run away. We’ve got to set the standard and then the expectation for her to come up to it. Wish me luck!
Unfortunately a lot of times
Unfortunately a lot of times these DH's do not want to address the issue until their wives are packing their bags and are on their way out the door. The DH's will later admit they knew there was a problem with their spoiled children (especially the females), but thought they could bury their head in the sand and everything would work out. At the crux of the issue is they know if their DD's see that their wives are important, they will lose their DD's. As if the daughter thought she was qualified to be the wife in the first place. My OSD is middle-aged, has a husband and children, but acts like a scorned lover because her father remarried and is happy.
These DH's are more afraid of losing the daughters until they are looking divorce squarely in the face. If they value the marriage, they will make changes. If not, well.....good riddance.
Agreed. I know my DH feels
Agreed. I know my DH feels guilt or sorry for his DD because her mother died unexpectedly shortly after their first grandchild was born. I also think he feels more of an attachment to her because he lost his first wife and she’s the link he still had to the past. I don’t know - I’m not a psych. Whatever it is it is definitely driving a wedge in our marriage.
That wedge- it seems small at
That wedge- it seems small at first and then you realise it has become so massive you can never see around it. I really do hope the counselling works for you, it is too late for me to ask what the strategies are that she has given you.
When I was told some strategies to use with TheX I was already using them with no effect. He made it clear his children came first and now he has them- good riddance as Lamby says. I don't know if he regrets treating me the way he did but probably not- they will be glad I've gone. Now I feel something I never thought I would- free, and freedom is great.
Fear
Starlight, Fear can seem so powerful that it will prevent us from taking action and continue to sit in the sludge of abuse until we wonder if our soul is going to die.
Fear, and an overwhelming desire for acceptance, kept me from taking action for 20 years. I was so afraid of another divorce. My first divorce was horrific. It took years to get over the sense of failure and grief over a dream that I discovered was quite unrealistic, considering the participants. So, without realizing it, I set myself up for a repeat.
I am so glad you are going to a counselor because that is why I finally took action. The counselor gently convinced me that, like you, I am worthy of a good marriage and deserved to feel respected in my own home. DH could not help me to come up with the standard that would insure this, but the counselor helped me to gain enough self-respect to set standards and boundaries for both DH and SD. Yes, you might have to do it yourself, but eventually you will. It is quite liberating. It might even mean DH will see SD on his own, outside of your home but you will realize this is the consequence of DH's lack of action and bad parenting. It has nothing to do with you - it is merely 'residue' from his life before you entered the picture. You deserve to live in an environment of mutual respect, and if your DH can not live with your boundaries and reprioritize the marriage, you will believe in yourself enough to tell him to get lost.
Thank you all for your words
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have lived in fear and said I never would again yet here I am...y'all are right. I have identified my parameters and I am afraid of speaking up. Finding my voice to even start the conversation is where I struggle. I have tried to speak of it before but DH made me feel like I was selfish. I KNOW if my family was a problem for DH I wouldn't let them cross the threshold. I do my best to protect him from what I know would bother him - no matter if it's in our home or elsewhere. My thoughts are always of his best interests. I'm not sure he feels or thinks the same way. This is where I struggle.
I truly don't like to be around his DD and her husband - they're unpleasant and because of their immaturity and behavior I can't like them at all. And her husband stayed with us this year from January to July! He had his own quarters upstairs but had to walk through our area coming and going. I was railroaded into that under duress. I had just had surgery and was having a rough recovery when it was brought up. I didn't have the strength or will to fight at the time. They had made a stupid decision and I was forced to live with the consequences because DH won't stand up to her. I think the residual of that nightmare still upsets and bothers me tremendously. He keeps putting me in these situations where I don't even have a chance to try and like these people. Obviously I can't and don't but when they're shoved down my throat it sure doesn't help matters at all. In hindsight obviously I should have said hell no to him staying here. But it happened and now it feels like I'll fall further into the hole I've made for myself if I don't do something about it. I would never in a thousand lifetimes ask of DH the s#$@ he has asked of me. Y'all are helping me so much. I know that dang backbone I have is in there somewhere.