am I paranoid or could this have happened?
My husband's youngest who just turned 30, has a 1 year old. The night she told my husband she was pregnant this is how it happened:
Her sister lives across the street from us but NEVER comes over. One night she comes over, when the youngest daughter was in town visiting. She says there is a cow out (we have cows as do neighbors) and that SD30 was out in road in her car shining lights on it so no one would hit it. Ok this would never happen, they could care less if anyone's cows are out. But my husband goes outside to check even though he stated I doubt it's one of mine. Our neighbors cows stay out, we have good fences. So older SD stays in house with ME...to distract me so SD30 can talk to her dad??? He said he didnt even see a cow when he came back in. And apparently she didnt get the chance to say hey Im pregnant. `So we all sit at kitchen table for about 30 minutes. We talked about another family member who was expecting a baby, that SD30 had been to a BABY shower that very day, and then I showed them gifts for the angel tree...one item was a talking BABY doll. Literally, we talked babies. She never said a WORD about being pregnant. I left the room for something and as I was coming back down the hall, I heard her tell her dad that he is going to be a grandfather again...her words. I stopped in my tracks. They could not see me. I had already had all kinds of issues with this girl. She had a 2 year old who was an accident already and had declared they wanted no more. So I was shocked. And then it hit me that she waited until I left the room to tell her dad. And I believe the whole cow story was a plot to get him outside so she could tell him without me but she didnt get the chance. I know that sounds nuts.
Well I had enough and went to the bathroom, shut the door and locked it and didnt come back out. My husband came looking, saw I was in bathroom. She hung around about 30 minutes more and left. Yes, I faked diarrhea rather than face this girl.
During our conversation at the table earlier, this girl actually said, she wished she didnt have a blonde blue eyed pasty baby but a baby that looked like my husbands family. Dark hair and eyed. i.e...like HER. Her 2 year old was her husband made over. Made me sick. I told her she should just be glad she had a healthy baby and that he looked like his father and she MARRIED him!
So my husband told me the news after she left. he said she wanted to tell me herself, and she had waited around for a long time waiting for me. I heard him tell her to tell me before I locked myself in the bathroom.
I emailed her and told her I heard the news and said I didn't see that one coming, and thought she had her hand's full already with a 2 year old. And she did. She could barely handle him. I then jokingly (sort of)
told her I hope she has a blue eyed blonde haired BOY (because she wanted a girl that looked like her) We ended up having an exchange of emails and I told her she waited until I left the room to tell her dad. She denied it. I told her I HEARD HER. To which she got angry and asked why I didn't acknowledge it then? I lied and said I had to go back to bathroom! I don't care. This girl makes me sick and I'd had enough. 4 years of her crap. Am I paranoid? My husband thinks so. He thinks she did not purposely tell him without me. He believes most of her crap. But do any of you think this IS true???? Or am I nuts. She think she is so close to her dad so she has to tell him in person. I think a dang phone call would have been sufficient. But she's SPECIAL.
I forgot to mention, she
I forgot to mention, she claimed she said she was pregnant while we were ALL at the table but everyone ignored her. Really? Me and her dad both didn't hear her? Also, why did she bring her sister over as what seemed like a back up? It seems like she was afraid to tell her dad she was pregnant. If that's the case, why not just call and tell him? I think her sister was meant as a distraction for me.
Ignore the whore. Really just
Ignore the whore.
Really just put her on permanent ignore. You don't like her. She doesn't like you. Keep her OUT of your life and you will both be happier.
She brings NOTHING to your life so don't waste another minute even thinking about her or her new fuck trophy.
Abrasive but funny and you
Abrasive but funny and you are probably right.
Oh but she tells me and her dad she WANTS a relationship with me and not just him. But she sure as hell has never acted like it!
This is done to perpetuate
This is done to perpetuate her role of victim and make you look like the bad guy. She say what she knows her father want to hear, while continuing to wage war with you. And if you engage in this war, all of her female relatives will align against you.
If you already have issues
If you already have issues with her, why do you care?
Every once in a while I wish
Every once in a while I wish things could be different. Is why. And I love my husband a lot, and I hate it for him that he was placed in middle. And he still wants her & I to reconcile. And I guess I have been made to feel guilty because I ignore a one year old baby, I am aware I am talked about and I am human and want acceptance. But crap, it's never going to come anyway. Not from his girls or from his family who thinks I am bad for disengaging.
I go long periods without thinking of his youngest BRAT but then she will come to town or call and it brings it all up and I can't seem to let it go.
She gets under my skin like nothing else. And she plays the part of goody two shoes to her dad and I see the REAL her and it just pisses me off how she plays him. I need to learn to IGNORE and get on with life and not think about her.
It does seem like she wanted
It does seem like she wanted to tell him without you there. I don't know what she would gain from that but....Maybe she thinks it was a special moment between them. Who knows what goes through their minds.
Don't let it bother you, as long as she's not hitting him up for money!
Thank you, maybe I'm not
Thank you, maybe I'm not paranoid!
I ended the pleas for money.
I ended the pleas for money. Started with him and then last time she jokingly suggested he give her his car. I said you are married now, that's your husband's job. She shut up then.
Well done, you! This woman
Well done, you!
This woman sounds like a mini wife.
Duplicate. Darn kindle!
Duplicate. Darn kindle!
Ha ha, that's awesome!
Ha ha, that's awesome!
Unfortunately it doesn't make
Unfortunately it doesn't make a bit of difference whether they are married or not. They will still lean on DH for emotional support. I have said, "Why doesn't she talk to her husband about that?" We are talking when she is upset or worried about her kids, her finances, her living situation. She has to call Daddy.
Be glad she didn't want to
Be glad she didn't want to tell you.
Be glad so you don't have to waste your time and money to get baby shower present or have to babysit later on. It will be on DH and ignore the rest. Less headache and more free time for you.
Best of luck.
A.
you are indeed correct. She
you are indeed correct. She mailed me a baby shower invitation that her mom was also invited to, knowing full well I would not go...then called my husband to ask DID I GET IT? Just to stir the pot. I never responded to the invitation. Never got her a thing. I've only seen the baby who is now one, twice. Neither time by choice. She just had her 1st bday, and I didn't send a card or get her anything.
No, no, you did it wrong! By
No, no, you did it wrong! By not responding, you gave her ammo.
You should always follow form and the appearance of politeness while doing the minimum. Then they can't run tattling to Daaady.
You: Oh, look DH, an invite to Bitchella's shower, how lovely! I can't go, of course, you know it would set BM off and spoil SD's special day, but I'll be sure to pick out something nice for her from both of us. Tra la la, skips off
DH: Smiles lovingly because his wifey is so sweet and self-sacrificing.
****You should always follow
****You should always follow form and the appearance of politeness while doing the minimum.****
Words to live by.
You are right!
You are right!
Could this have happened? Of
Could this have happened? Of course.
My YSD told DH she was pregnant with second child while he was helping her put on first child's snowsuit to leave. She and her husband didn't say anything during dinner or when they opened holiday gifts. She waited until she was alone with her dad and told him.
Then she was surprised that DH's reaction was not what she wanted. She expected him to be so thrilled he'd announce it to me. Instead he was stunned into silence thinking that he would now be babysitting a newborn and an eighteen month old every day.
Not to worry, DH did not end up babysitting both children. SSonIL was so mad that DH wasn't thrilled in the way they wanted that he quit his job to stay home with his kids ( while SD worked and pumped breast milk). SSonIL is quite the guy.
My husband doesn't want to
My husband doesn't want to believe his princess favorite child is a spoiled little bitch. So when I ask him about things like this, he doesn't want to hear it or takes her side and says it's not true. He finally started to see a few things. After I repeatedly pointed them out. So it's good to hear someone else thinks I am right and that this could be what she did, on purpose. After awhile, when you don't know ANYONE who can relate to the Stepkid crap, you start to think, ok I am the troublemaker. I am the one with the issues.
Screw that. I am
Screw that. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired of the "you must have been mistaken" crap lines - shit. These guys would prefer to believe that aliens came down in a covert mission to abduct DD during the period of time you allege you heard her tell her father, rather than to believe that their spawn could do anything malicious. ... And I Hate that. My SO does similar crap.
I would blow DD off completely and big time. There is nothing to "reconcile" in these situations. You did nothing wrong, she behaves badly, and your DH thinks she farts fairy dust. Period.
LOL farts fairy dust. You are
LOL farts fairy dust. You are right.
SS30 called DH a few days ago
SS30 called DH a few days ago to tell him that the GF was pregnant. My response was a big yawn.
I do not want to enable SS to find a tool to hurt me or to extract money. DH is not particularly happy with SS over this and thinks SS needs to step up and be responsible. I choose not to participate in what ever this brings.
I control our finances 100%. I'm okay with DH buying a baby present (well under $100), but that is it. No enabling them. No buying them furniture, etc. When you are in your 30s and choose to have a baby it is YOUR responsibility to take care of the little fuck trophy. (my new favorite phrase).
Relational Aggression. Drama
Relational Aggression. Drama triangle. Read up on these.
That's what you are experiencing. You are NOT crazy.
Why would a married thirty yo be afraid to tell her father that she's pregnant? Why all the games and distractions? Because the SDs enjoy the bonded feeling of having a shared enemy (you) and creating drama. Men just aren't able to discern the nuances of female behavior, with all its cattyness, manipulation, and passive aggression, so of course your DH rejects your version of events. It challenges his ego to point out his cluelessness, so of course he rejected your "conspiracy theory". This makes the skid the victim while Daddy takes on the role of rescuer. You are viewed as the persecutor, the one stirring up all the trouble.
And you live smack dab in the middle of this viper nest because why?
You married a man much older than you, and his kids don't like it one bit. You need to be very careful in your interactions with these skidbitches. Be civil, but aware, and don't cater to them. They will likely continue their campaign against you if you allow it.
I read about RA yesterday,
I read about RA yesterday, it is exactly what I have experienced. I don't think I'm crazy usually but damn it's nice to be validated!!! No one and I mean no one I know gets this or even wants to hear this drama. Can't say I blame them, but sometimes I have to VENT. And early on all my venting was at my husband. Of course that doesn't work. All we did was fight.
What you said about the steps, is spot on. But I don't think they would have liked ANYONE he married. Because they were always the center of the universe, even when he was married to their mom. Three of the four don't come around much at all, if EVER. It's the youngest, his favorite who is clingy and possessive of him. They just side with her and back her.
Ive learned some. I tried to be their "friend" in the beginning.
For the past year or so, I have had virtually NO contact except at my husband's family Christmas, and I was polite but distant and spoke very little to any of them....and I'm sure all the women in the family TOOK NOTE. Just in the past month, I have had the daughter across the street over for 4th of July with her two kids and husband. We want to spend time with her kids so we have to play nice with her. But at same time, I am aware she goes right to her sisters and talks about me.
On with the story...after
On with the story...after this, her baby shower was June a year ago on a Sunday. I was in car with my husband when his cell rang. It was SD30, aka spoiled brat. She lives 4 hours away and was here "home" for her baby shower thrown by her sisters. Her husband didn't come with her. She was staying at her sisters house, and had been with her all day and called her dad ON THE WAY to her shower, to tell him she was having these "weird pains" and I heard her say she was afraid it was early labor. She wasn't due for another month. Her dad acted all concerned and told her to make sure she stayed with someone, stay with her sister. This girl has always called daddy crying, wanting attention. She relied on him for her emotional needs and support. I thought to myself, why is she calling her DAD? Why not talk to one of her sisters about LABOR? Or her mother. She calls him for attention. I doubt she was even having pains. It wasn't enough to keep her from going to the shower.
I asked my husband, well did she call____. Her husband? He said I don't know. But I knew.
I'd had my limit of her cries for attention. She needs to go to her husband for her emotional needs.
So....I texted her husband and asked if he had spoken with her today? (no) I said well she called her dad and seemed worried, said she was having pains and was afraid she was having a miscarriage. But if she hasn't called YOU it must be nothing. OK STOP> I accidentally said miscarriage to him, what she actually said was premature labor.
She was too far along for a miscarriage.
Apparently he then called her, because next thing you know she calls her dad all smart ass and raising hell that I texted her husband. She said when she called her dad, it was NO BIG DEAL and nothing was wrong.
She said it was CREEPY and inappropriate that I would even say miscarriage and it scared her husband because he was 4 hours away and worried about her and get this: she actually said she had to convince him she was telling the truth and was ok. (hmmmm does that mean he knows she lies???)
She informed me in a voicemail that she was too far along for a miscarriage anyway. Ok then why so upset because I said the word miscarriage then?!
I'll tell you why....I called her damn bluff and called her husband! Don't whine to my husband when you want attention, whine to yours! But I guess it doesn't work with him the way it works with her naive dad.
Major fighting all around over this. Her husband texted me and said something like well he talked to _____ and everything was ok and so it just seemed WEIRD. I'm sure she threw me under the bus and said I was trying to cause trouble. I simply replied, yes, it always is.
She called me and left a long voicemail. Saying she didn't understand WHAT she did that always upset me. I called her back, she was pissed and rambled being rude to me, talking over the top of me. But all the while saying she wanted to get along with me and have a relationship with me but I always avoided her and she didn't know WHY. I told her we could start all over. But the very next day, I found out she also told her dad I posted on Facebook that she was immature. What I said was some people are so immature. And she doesn't even HAVE Facebook. She gets on her sisters who I WAS friends with...to creep on my page. So I deleted her sisters, told them why...My husband actually said if this is what is going to happen because I am friends with them on FB, to DELETE them. I told them that, too.
And that's when she & I stopped talking. When I stopped talking to ALL of them.
You were a smart cookie to
You were a smart cookie to contact her DH. Too bad about your word mix up though; It afforded her the opportunity to play the victim.
Be prepared for things to escalate now that you called her bluff.
If I were you, I'd start fading back from the skids. Stop the vms, texts, and emailing, too. You never want to give them anything tangible that can be used and turned against you. Give the appearance of cordiality, but remain detatched. There will be little brats whispering alienating nonsense into Daddy's ear, so stay three steps ahead. "Really DH? SD said what? Goodness, she always seems to be upset about something." Change of subject.
It's pretty clear that your SDs don't like you and see you as a threat and an obstacle. Always remember that, no matter what. You are an interloper, an adventuress come to steal their Daaady from them.
From the time I deleted her
From the time I deleted her sisters from facebook, I have not called, texted or contacted HER or 2 of her sisters, Well one time after her kid was born as the "nice gesture" you all spoke of, I sent a baby outfit for Christmas. She emailed me a photo of her wearing it, and again I have realized how not responding gives her ammo. So I simply said in my reply. "cute, I will show it to your dad" And I did. I am CERTAIN she asked him.
She hasn't sent us one photo except a photo Christmas card. This is done to punish her dad. Me, I'm glad of it.
Funny bio mom didn't show up to her shower, BTW. I guess you are right, I should have sent a text saying I would not be attending.
I have had recent contact with the daughter that lives across the street, to see her two kids, that I am fond of. She is civil to my face and does't play games with my husband. But does stir the pot with her sisters.
I wish she didm't live across the street because I have to see them all including bio mom over there.
You know, Exjuliemccoy , I
You know, Exjuliemccoy , I think this girl is so nuts....she isn't always even AWARE of her passive aggressive, selfish, spoiled behavior. To her, it's normal.
Is she really puzzled as to WHY I avoid her and don't like her? I think she was just so used to getting her way with daddy, her sisters, grandparents, etc that when I came along and said wait a minute, you can't overstep boundaries like that...she probably had never been told that.
Or maybe she thinks I am a sucker and doesn't KNOW the real her, so thinking THAT, she may BE puzzled why I don't like her. It got back to me that one family member said ___is so sweet, I don't know why her stepmom doesn't like her!
She may be sweet to all her old high school girlfriends she talks about me to, and her aunts, sisters etc....but she has only pretended to be sweet to me.
She actually used to hug me along with her dad, bye and say Love Ya'll! She has the capability to plaster a smile on her face no matter HOW she feels.
She fakes it well. I figure she learned the art of manipulation from her mother. If you want this from daddy, be a good little girl and say what he wants to hear. You don't have to actually follow through, just say it.
If it looks like a dog,
If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, and bark likes a dog ... it must be a dog. Whether your DH wants to recognize it or not.
Parents rarely recognize petty shit from their own children.
The only way you can win at
The only way you can win at this game is to not play. AT ALL. Don't engage, don't get sucked in, do not be chummy with your DH's female relations. I learned this the hard way.
My DH has adult daughters and sisters. With FIL dead, he is the only male relative they have. He was a distant parent and not particularly close to his siblings. All of these females wanted a closer relationship with him though, so you'd assume they would tell him that, and start working towards that, right?
Nope. Instead, they blamed me for their brother's behavior and started playing the relational aggression game. He was a distant brother before we ever met, a weekend father before we met, but I became their scapegoat.
It began with the daughters, and ramped up with the SILs after I disengaged from the daughters. I had always been the facilitator and put a great deal of effort towards pushing the goal of Happy Family (huge mistake, do not do this), so when I stepped out of the drama triangle, it left a huge void. SILs are now enjoying an authentic relationship with their brother - and they don't like it one bit. He never calls or plans get-togethers or remembers birthdays. He doesn't see them at holidays. And he has cut off his daughters completely.He doesn't want the drama either, and has accepted that I'm not doing his emotional heavy lifting for him.
Don't be pressured into any silly reconciliation. It's only propaganda designed to make you seem uncooperative. Play the lip service game - say, Oh, wouldn't that be lovely! And then drop the subject. Keep your home a happy one, have plenty of sex with your DH, and don't badmouth his kids to him. Accept that these skids do not like you, and keep all interactions with them superficial and civil. And always, always watch your back.
Stepaside, There is much
Stepaside,
There is much information you do not have about me and my situation. Don't think you know me based on a few posts when I have left so much out. I thought this was a place to come to vent. And people are welcome to give me advise about how to handle my husband's kids. But no one is welcome to make judgments and psychological evaluations of me and act disrespectful. I don't take steps shit and I'm sure not taking any here.
You act like this is just so simple. Cut and clear. How I should be and do or not do. This is anything but simple.
And you want to talk about how many YEARS some of you have dealt with it and say I've been married such a short time so why do I expect things from my steps that none of you have. What an absurd thing to say to me. You expected it when you got married, I am sure. In the beginning I'm sure we ALL did.
Like I am an expert at this, and know what all your situations are how long you have been dealing? LET ME BE CLEAR I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS FROM ANY OF THOSE GIRLS. THEY JUST PISS ME OFF, WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S STEPS PISSES THEM OFF. If you have it all figured out, why are you still here? If you are not the slightest bit bothered, why still come here, read posts and post yourself?
I didn't try to set the rules for when his daughter announced her pregnancy! I DO get to set the rules in my own home and like I said in another post, if she wanted to tell him in private somewhere else she COULD have and I wouldn't have given a damn. It's the drama filled attention seeking ways she does things that makes me mad. And you also said I don't get to set the rules for what his conversations are with her dad but when they involve me, I sure as hell will have a say so. How many times have I read on here about women complaining about calls behind their back to daddy but I guess I am the exception.
You have been hateful and rude and out of line telling me you feel sorry for my husband because YOU think he got his ass kicked by me because she called.
FYI it didn't happen that way. SHE kicked his ass verbally because I called her bluff and texted her husband when she was crying wolf.
Your opinion seems to be unless it involves money, it doesn't make a difference. I guess that shows where your step issues are.
I have thought to myself, if I am to take the advise of some here about disengaging and not even THINK about steps....you can't do that and be on here posting and reading. Food for thought.
It's also not cool for a few who are dissatisfied with their life to take it out on me. All but about two of you have been great.
I know that you have only
I know that you have only been part of this site for a short time and married for a short time. It hurts when you are kind and treated like crap. We have all been there and that is why we are also on this site.
When I married my dh 11 years ago I just knew his kids would love me because I am kind, caring, and very giving. I was wrong. THEY HATED ME!!! They ignored me, excluded me, and they were rude. I would run to my dh and tell him. Did my dh take care of the behavior? NO, he did not. I became the damn problem. Being a step mom is also like being the scapegoat. I let it eat at me for years. I could not understand how the skids could not appreciate all I did for them. I could not understand how my dh could not see how good I was and how awful his kids were. I felt TOTALLY alone and crazy.
I found this site and loved that I could communicate with other stepmoms who have been there and done that. What Stepaside has said to you may seem harsh. You may want everyone just to jump on board and blow sunshine all over you. You may just want affirmation of what a bitch you sd is. The fact is, nothing you do is going to make your sd include you. Nothing you do is going to make her like you. At first you are angry and hurt. I have been there and I have done that.
I will share something. 20 years ago I lost my 17 year old son. When I first lost my son I was just so brokenhearted, but at that time I had no clue of what I was going to go through. Now when a friend or acquaintance loose someone, I know they hurt cause I have been there but I hurt more for my friend or acquaintance because now I know what they WILL be going through too. I say all of that to say this. I hurt for you because I know what you will be going through.
I send you hugs.
First off, I keep getting
First off, I keep getting references to how long I've been married, like I'm dumb or lesser because I haven't been married 20 years or better.
When everyone else is moaning about their step kids, no I don't expect two of the members here to be judging me and critical. It's not that I expect anyone to "blow sunshine" all over me.
And she WAS harsh, it didn't just seem that way. She has her own issues with a stepmother based on her blog. Thus her comments to ME, apparently I touched a nerve.
You say nothing I do is going to make stepdaughter include me....uh, that's not why I came here. Maybe people are not reading all of my posts. I am no longer engaging with her. been a year. I came here to vent. Because, well...I don't like her. And her spoiled, jealous, troublemaking behavior pisses me off. I can't change her. But sometimes you need to VENT. I'd think everyone on this site knows that. Although I disengaged, there are times I will be forced to be in her presence, and she will always be a factor of life because my husband engages with her, so advise on handling is ok by me.
But there have been two people here who were rude to me, and after reading some entries of their blogs, I understand why.
This always happens online. People think they can be rude to you. I am entitled to my feelings and opinions. If anyone doesn't like it, keep scrolling.
Thanks for the hug..Like I said, I may need to evaluate if I need to be on this site.
1. How am I supposed to take all that advise about not letting his kids bother me, and not get upset? If I am on here engaging in THIS, of course it's going to keep me stirred up.
2. I don't need anyone who is anything except SUPPORTIVE of me.
My post was meant only to
My post was meant only to help. One thing I have learned on this site is you will get lots of advise. You just need to read it and decide what advise you can and can not do or what advise you will or will not use. Use what you want, use what you can, forget the rest.
SD texted DH "Are you coming
SD texted DH "Are you coming over alone?" when DH was going to stop over to talk to her about something. You think I was crushed? I'll admit for about a half-second I was hurt but then I remembered that SD adds NOTHING to my life.
Your SD plays lots of games. Do you want to play? I suggest you turn a blind ear and eye to her antics. I takes practice but you can do it. She is not your family, she is not your friend. Remember that next time.
Of course she wanted to tell
Of course she wanted to tell her Dad alone. He's HER DAD. You are only Dad's wife. Why WOULD she want to tell you first??? It doesn't sound like you guys are close chums who share deep meaningful chat over tea.
You won't like this insight- but it seems to me that you are actively looking for ways to display shock and awe at how "horrible" his kids treat you. But her wanting to tell her Dad is perfectly normal and not any kind of jab at you. You aren't her parent and she doesn't love you. She's not required to, she doesn't have to, and that is perfectly OK.
It seems like you want your SD to give you some artificial homage as second mommy. Give that up, and you'll all be happier.
Honestly, who cares who she told? And why argue with her about it? You are feeding into senseless drama, and it kind of sounds like you enjoy stirring the pot.
Shock and awe? Not hardly. I
Shock and awe? Not hardly. I expect it. 5 years ago there was shock and awe.
Yes she even refers to him as MY dad often. She thinks she's an only child. You are right to an extent, I often have analyzed everything she does looking for the bad because I know it's there. Maybe I just needed to prove to myself she is a spoiled crazy bitch and I wasn't insane. And at times I have said, SEE DH, see what she really is? But I realized that only made things worse. But I have NO DESIRE to be her second mommy. lol
In the beginning I wanted to be friends with his kids. In the beginning, I was so hurt and cried many times.
They no longer hold the power to bring me to tears.
They do have the power to piss me off though and I'd like to lose that!
Yes I did play in to her drama games. Sometimes when no one is on your side, and he is on her side....it's hard not to. I don't enjoy the drama though. Calling her DH and calling her out twice on her behavior towards me, was engaging in the drama and yeah, I did kind of enjoy THAT because I have 4 years worth of resentment built up. I have been at my happiest when we go long periods without her visiting or calling....I even forget about her for awhile.
And then there she is. What can I say? She brings out the worst in me sometimes.
The reason I came to this board was to vent and to talk to others with same problems with step kids. So please don't go judging me, criticizing me, and analyzing me. I can get that elsewhere. I need support. People have given me some good advise.
You have support here,
You have support here, dadswife, so vent away! Get the poison out, be validated, and see that you're not crazy or paranoid.
It's not like they hand out the 'How to Navigate Disordered & Dysfunctional Stepkids' manual when you tie the knot. You've already figured out a lot more on your own than many of us had at the five year mark.
And PS if she wanted to tell
And PS if she wanted to tell her dad ALONE, she could have. But don't expect to tell him alone when you come to my house and I am there. She could have called him and told him. Hell I wish she would have. I'd preferred it. Or she could have asked him to come across the street to her sisters and see her....but no, she chose to walk in here and drama it all up. It had to be in person to get the most amount of attention. He wasn't excited though. But even negative attention works for her I guess. I think that's what gets me: all the attention she demands.
His brat called while we were
His brat called while we were camping when she was due and he didn't answer then said he was going to bath house....I knew it was to call her back in private. I got pissed and told him so. He said there might be something wrong. What he always says. Well when he comes back, he tells me she had the baby. Turns out she had called him already and told him she was going in to labor. So he knew why she was calling. Before we got married he asked me to go with him to be at hospital and wait while she gave birth to the first kid. That was before I knew what a bitch she was. But the second kid, no way was I going there. (out of town) Silly him actually asked me, you mean you won't go with me when she has the baby?? LOL By this time, much had happened between she & I.
He did not go for the birth at all. Because I wouldn't go. He was free to go, I don't care. When the baby was a month old, we were passing right by her town coming back from a camping trip and she only lives a few blocks off the exit....and she called him at the campsite asking him to stop and visit. Called 2-3 times while we were camping. I felt like I could not say no, when he asked me, so we stopped. I was quiet and polite. But I did not hold the baby or even comment on the baby. I did not want to be there. It was awkward! I wish she did not know we were camping in her state.
**The husbands start keeping secrets when they realize there is a conflict with us and their kids. If they know we are going to react/be angry...they stop telling us things. That has been my experience. It's avoiding conflict. Except when we find out about him not telling us, we get mad at the secrets.
I don't have to worry about my husband sending anyone a card. LOL The only cards they ever got were from me. He doesn't send cards.
He also doesn't send baby or birthday gifts. If anything was ever done, I have done it.
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I stopped shopping for gifts
I stopped shopping for gifts and sending cards a long time ago. Not only did they not appreciate it, but they were actually angry that DH did not have a hand in it. So now they wait for their birthday cards and gifts 3-6 months late, if at all.
You mention that you have been happiest when you have no contact with your SD. I feel the same way. When they are around, it's just a lot of silly drama. You can choose to participate or not.
I stay out of DH's relationship with his SDs as much as possible. Sometimes he tries to lure me back in. He doesn't want to see the games they play and how selfish and rude they are. They will always be his wonderful children. Now I know I can't change that, but I sure as hell can change my behavior. So I choose to be as uninvolved as possible.
I know it's tempting to get
I know it's tempting to get involved, especially because your SO or DH is involved. Time helps to make it less interesting. I've been married 15 years and my interest in them gets less every year. I will only allow myself to get involved if something directly affects me, my time, my money or my own children.
I have this issue as well.
I have this issue as well. She lies, and I know it and I seem to always want her dad to know how she really is. But as you all know, that just backfires. I need to LEARN to stay off their Facebook, twitter and I wouldn't know anything. I will stay off for long periods and one day I get curious. Mainly because everything is top secret.
Sounds to me that your SD is
Sounds to me that your SD is purposely trying to get at you. She is playing games with your head. I would not engage with this person as she seems to carry some weight with her dad and she can get some glory by coming between the two of you she will. I would not email her. If you can be civil then do but if not leave the house when she comes or find something else to do. I would definitely establish some boundaries and I would hope that you and your husband could do so together. This kind of stuff will drive you batty in a heart beat and it simply is not worth it. Walk away from the drama, be stronger than your SD.
Yes she purposely tries to
Yes she purposely tries to get at me.
I have stated in other posts that I no longer engage with this girl. I do not call, email or text her. I do not go visit her. If she comes to town, he goes to visit her at her sisters where she stays. I get that. You are totally right about it would delight her to come between me and my husband. We have always been civil to each other in person. My husband would not allow either of us to act otherwise in person, and she certainly isn't going to be "bad" in front of her dad and risk him thinking she isn't an angel. I have set boundaries for our home. I do not wish to visit with her, and my husband knows this. But I also do not trust her to be in our home when I am not there. I value my privacy and would also not put it past her to steal jewelry just out of spite. She has destroyed flowers in a front bed before. I can't prove it was her, but I know it was.
I went through this for 20
I went through this for 20 years so I really get it. SD was an only child - the princess, who was pretty savvy about not letting Daddy see the crap she was dishing out to me. Like your DH, my DH just could not comprehend that his little darling could be the same vicious snot that was slamming doors in my face, telling other people terrible things about me (which got back to me) and treating me like dog poop. She would have hushed conversations with other people while I was in the same room with her. It seemed to give her some sort of sadistic joy that she thought it was bothering me. I finally called her out on it. Like your SD she pulled a tantrum. Later SD told DH on the phone, "I LIKE her!" I took myself out of the game by openly declaring it was B.S., that I did not like SD and she didn't like me. I banned SD from our home until DH could tell SD in front of me that she must respect me in my own home.
I also took myself out of the game by taking her completely out of my mind and my life. DH and I do not discuss her at all. He is welcome to call her or visit her whenever he wishes (except holidays and birthdays) - just not with me. If she were to tell DH she was pregnant without telling me she would be doing me a favor.
It DOES look like your SD is a 'wannabe' actress, and knows she is Daddy's favorite. She is playing this to the hilt. Please do yourself a favor and change the channel to a show that is about you: About a lady who set personal boundaries, made a goal to do whatever it takes to improve her life and her emotional well being, and to be the best she could be for herself.
The best luck to you Sweetie. Treat yourself better and expect mutual respect. You deserve it. (((HUGS)))
You are NOT paranoid... yes
You are NOT paranoid... yes it was rude of your SD. YES she is a manipulative and sneaky..
My SD36 told me that she had a hysterectomy because she had "female issues" back in 2001 and would never have children (boo hoo hoo hoo, lots of crying and sympathy from that one), and went on to have several children after that... Umm... how did THAT happen?? Her father also had heard the hysterectomy "story" and naturally said when pregnancy number one was announced, that his darling daughter just made up that hysterectomy story, and shrugged it away... WTF. ?! :?
LOL... you are not paranoid, your senses are spot on. Hang on, the ride will get more intense as the years go by. Behavior only gets worse, they never seem to grow up.