I certainly understand having different feelings for one child, believe me, I do.  I sincerely detest my SD.  However, I practice strict parity with the gift giving.  I do it, not so much for my own sake, but to preserve the kids'  relationships with each other, so one won't feel, "They got more than me!" 

Two factors in my family:  DH has 3 kids and I have 2, all within 6 years of age.  Parity in gift giving has always worked best to tamp down the resentment toward the stepparent, ie, no favoritism.  When younger, I spent the same on each and the number of gifts was the same.    The second factor is that nowadays, we give cash which makes it easier.  

Dinner home like roast chicken dinner.

but since ss is the only one who lives in our marital home and whom hubby had sole custody of in the divorce, i and our 2 young kids (his half siblings) will buy a cake and take pics.

if its just hubby and ss because me and our 2 kids are overseas, it's just a fancy dinner out like western/steak etc and dessert at restaurant 

sd's i have never messaged happy birthday yet alone buy a present. They don't acknowledge our kids, their dads or myself so why should i go above and beyond. Back in 2019, sd's couldn't be bothered to hand a present on time despite being walking distance fron my husbands workplace and gave it to ss 1.5 months late and acted like she was total sister of the year.

a consideration IMHO.

My parents worked for years to make sure each year my brother and I ahd the same gifts or same amount spent on us. Until my little brother expressed his frustration at us getting the same gifts each year.  

I agreed with my brother. Not out of frustration, I was more focused on mom and dad not having to put that much focus on it. So, I told them to get us each what they wanted us to have.

I have followed that same model in my gift giving my whole adult life. I do not budget, I do not worry about giving one person more than another. I focus on what I want for each person I am buying for.

If you all do presents at the same time it's hard to no be fair. Though if you give gifts at different time then it's easier to give a bit more to the people you like.

My philosophy is whoever I'm actually with on Christmas gets the best presents. There is a premium for spending the holiday with me. If you can't be bothered to show up and I have to mail or gifts or you get them days later then it's not going to be as much.

my mother-in-law had a thing she was doing and it made perfect sense to me. when it came to giving, she gave equal on holidays. made sense. but she would give us "spending money" or "supper money" or "book $$" she was housebound toward the last few years of her life. at first by her choice then because of health. we did everything from buying her groceries to me doing her wound care/bathing the last year. yup, I had to lift the Mother-in-laws boobs to wash under them. the Mr loves me to pieces and when he decides to be a walking male appendage I remind him that I had to lift his moom's boons and he suddenlly becomes more user friendly. 

she had 4 kids. one lived across the country so he couldn't help. one lived near and she did the most, the Mr and I were a close second, and the 4th lived near but never did anything to help. she was always giving the two who did more and myself $$ and we'd fight her on it but she finally told us that it was because her regular gift giving was equal but this was her way of giving a little more year round to the two (and me) who did 100% of her stuff for her.

Maybe equal for holiday but special 'lunches' or outings/gifts year round for those who participate?

I agree with the poster above who said that if Christmas is spent together with everyone, make is as equal as possible. If done separately I would be more likely to give what is in my heart to give. 

I have a relationship with one and I give her gifts.  I don't have a relationship with the other one and I don't give her gifts.   

Ranging in age from 26 to 11 yrs old. We ask them what they need or want and base what we get them off that.  But relationship does factor in. Example is SD...she is cool towards me so I am fair, but not generous as I once was.  This year she's getting what she asked for, but not much extra that's given from my heart instead of obligation.  Her DH is currently awaiting trial for some major theft charges, is a deadbeat and likely on drugs. I'm literally going to look for lumps of coal for his sorry butt.

I would try to avoid the appearance of disparity among the siblings because it can create conflict between them.. and the "good" kids can end up dealing with crap from the "nogoods".

It is easier if you give gifts vs cash/gift cards.. a bit harder to quantify the value.  Also... it's easier to be a little biased if the "nogoods" don't come in person.. or even if the "goods" arent' there.. a bit harder to compare then.

I might be more likely to have disparity on birthdays vs "group" gift holidays..again.. harder to absolutely compare if it isn't at the same time.

especially to people who are disrespectful and ugly to me. Would any of us tolerate this in the REAL world? So, why in StepHell?? After 12 years of hell and now 5 years of disengagement, I have no issues speaking truth.

This is what we did because of that exact behavior. After about 8 years of BS behaviors, DH chose to tell his kids we'd go to pulling names. They didn't want that, didn't respond. Why? Because for all those prior years, they showed up EMPTY HANDED for DH (and of course, I've never gotten a gift from any of DHs kids) and expected their big cash handouts along with all smaller gifts I bought. I fondly began referring to Christmas as the Money Grab Day. SMH

First year, we sent gift cards to restaurants they liked. The following 2-3 years, we sent handmade items I did in my studio (nice stuff). Would not even acknowledge they got the gifts (mailed). DH finally told them, no more gifts. The "gift" is seeing / talking / being with you all. And that's where we are today. DH sends gifts to his grandkids. 

If you don't think your DH will go this route, then I strongly recommend following ESMOD's comment in how to approach your DH. She's much nicer than me. LOL

And he gets for his kids. Meaning I assume he doesn't give gifts. But I am past the point of caring. No calls or texts for me from them on any holiday or my birthday. 

Hot button issue. Does this disordered adult give YOU gifts? What about your bio or your H? 

If he doesn't hold up his end of the social.contract, screw him. He's closer to thirty than thirteen, after all. If you feel you must give him something, make a donation in his name to a charity that would be dear to his heart if he had one (foster kids, children's receiving home, homeless aid etc). Or, give him the most bland, impersonal thing possible - like a wok, roadside emergency kit, or one of those liquor-plus-a -glass-or-some crap boxed sets.

Drop the pretense. You're an adult, you've more than tried, and you get to be done with him.

For my family, we don't open gifts anymore, I only give my kids cash.  It was too hard to figure out what everyone wanted, and we all have too much junk as it is.  This way they can buy what they want, or put the money in savings towards buying a house or a trip.  I've even gotten into the habit of sending checks out a week or two before xmas.  They really appreciate it.  They know DH and I don't want gifts.

Our xmas celebration is a big delicious dinner, cocktails, and a game night.  We're super flexible on which day we get together, so the kids can see their in-laws and whatever.  It's really fun. 

DH is solely responsible for his stupid family.  They are so dramatic about gifts, after years of trying, I just washed my hands of them.

variables.

Age of the person receiving the gift, interests of the individuals involved, available resources of the gift giver, physical presence of the receiver, history of relationship, etc.....

Those who would take exception to any of it are likely people who anyone needs to engage with.  Depending on age of course.

I often have notably fewer gifts in front of me when we are at my parents home for the holidays. In comparison to the rest of the family who is present.  That far more often than not is because one of more of my gifts is a significant family history item.  I am the one who has interest in those things. No one else other than my DW and I demonstrates interest and my parents want some things to remain in the family and not go to GoodWill, etc...

OP.... your SS is rude and disrespectful.

You and he have zero relationship.

You don't need to buy him a damn thing. If his daddy wants to get him something with HIS OWN money, let him. But that's as far as it goes.

Anyway, he's 28 not 8! He doesn't need "presents". He needs to pull his head in and learn a bit of respect.

I second what Kaylee said!