My husband and I have been married 10 yrs. He 61, I am 43. The first few years were strained with respect to his kids, who were largely lost to him until they were 16, became manipulative and wanted cars. We are both dentists but have a lot of financial stress (are very overextended on our dream house as we had a crooked contractor, lots of problems) though my husband has never let his kids' luxuries be affected by that. He tries to bond w/ them by buying them stuff we cannot afford, they don't need, which has improved somewhat lately, probably because we're broke!

After a couple of years of marriage, my relationship improved w/ the steps (their mom had pinned me as a homewrecker, later found the Lord and confessed that it was her who was unfaithful and that their father and I worked together but never dated before they split.)

Last Nov, my husband said that his daughter, 24, needed 3-4 mos. to live w/ us til she got on her feet. She got a good job and doesn't live inappropriately (no drinking/drugs/guys), but was moving back from college and a short stint in retail (she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving). I was against her moving in for more than 6 weeks. We have been building our home for 5 years and just moved in rather recently after living in several different places the year prior - constant moving and uprooting our children, had a fire, two rentals, etc.

We have 3 young sons and having any of the "big" kids around is disruptive to them. Trying to get them to keep a normal bedtime is tough as they are excited to see their 1/2 sister and her friends. Also, I just didn't want to have a roommate, had housed this girl and her sister, brother and friends often throughout their college years and knew it wasn't anything I could take for more than a couple of weeks. They always crashed w/ us on breaks, summers, etc, since going to college. I'm no neat freak, but they live rather unacceptably to me. The son lived w/ us for 2 years in H.S. I had been all for it, but it was disasterous though we didn't have children then, so no one else was affected.

My husband is passive-aggressive and a dreamer. Thought the girl would "help" us w/ the kids, "help" me w/ the house, etc. I have my mother as a paid nanny for the boys when I work (M,W,F) and no other help. In 4.5 mo. the young lady cooked once each of the first 2 weeks and basically never helped clean or watch the boys (other than one afternoon when she babysat the older two a few hours.)

Well, three weeks ago I was in and out of the hospital - ended up being an ulcer. My Dr. suggested I try not to hold things in, take Nexium, will be OK, etc. It was about the time stepdaughter was supposed to moving according to her father and I have a 2 bed. beach house available for rent soon. On Good Friday, I asked my step if she and her friend would be interested in the house. She looked surprised, so I said that her dad told me they were looking for a place. She said that she had no plans to move and, trying to be assertive, I said, "Do you want my friend who's a realtor to help guide you in deciding between buying vs. renting?" She stormed out - texted her dad dramatically that she'd be out of our lives, etc. He flipped out on me - though my confrontation, benign to me, was all due to his deception. I called her immediately, got her vm, and explained that I was misinformed about her length of stay w/ us and asked that she call me back. Later we all sat down to talk.

I told her I had to get some things off my chest. I told her I'd been trying to work w/ her for the 3-4 mos. she needed - always finished her laundry she forgot about, put dinner on the table each night w/o fail, regardless of what time I got home from work, and did all the cleaning while I watched her and her friends sunbathe by our pool. But, I explained that that was all fine if this was a temporary thing but that it now appeared that she and her dad never discussed a timeline so we better all get on the same page. Apparently I was correct.

She exploded yelling that her father had her long before me and that she knew I'd have no problem if any of our sons (2, 4, and 6) wanted to return after college to live here. Her dad said nothing, as usual. He's not a wimp in life, but is regarding his grown kids.

A huge fight ensued - them against me. I reiterated that I wasn't kicking anyone out, just wanted to be sure there was a plan and wanted to be sure she was headed towards independence (paying for her things - car, phone, ins.)

I'm still very upset w/ my husband and his lies, not being a united front w/ me, etc. This girl, of the 3 steps, is the closest to her father and knows no boundaries. (ie, when we first moved into the house, which has 6 bathrooms, I came home to find her showering in my bathroom) Her dad has never insisted, w/o my prodding, that any respect is shown towards me or that his kids respect "us" or our private space.

After Easter mass which was the night after the argument, I felt badly as the girl had moved out in the middle the night. I called her to say that it took a lot of time for us to be friends, and I certainly didn't want it to end w/ hostility. She came running back home, which wasn't my intention - she'd been at a friend's house. She said that she hadn't handled things right and wanted to talk later in the week. Well, she has yet to talk anything other than small talk w/ me.

Her dad and I are barely speaking. I told him two nights ago that I wanted a plan by last night. He promised to talk w/ her. He actually said that they did speak "a little" and that she needed 3-6 more months, which is a little unacceptable to me after 4.5 mos. already. My oldest son is in 1st grade and has had some focus issues since she moved in. I had chalked it up to the holidays, but the teacher suggested I have him tested for ADD. We went to see a psych. and the first thing he asked was "Who lives in your house?" I explained nicely the situation - incl. the multiple moves we had before getting in this house (he had some minor focus issues in K when we moved 3 times in the first few mos.) and the Dr. said that he didn't think the problem was ADD, but a lot of movement, gravitation from a simple nuclear family, etc. I explained that I didn't expect the stepdaughter to be there much longer (or so I thought at that point) and he said, "Good. It's typical for young children to be in awe of the older kids and act up, be excited, and have these issues. You want to be completely settled by August when he begins 2nd grade." Now, my son is a very smart boy, does well in school, but began losing focus as I said. I told my husband that there is NO way we can begin another school year w/ her in the house as I want to give my son the best chance to succeed. She's in and out all weekend - often sleeps at a friend's house and the boys don't understand. I don't want her waiting to move til a month or two after school is in session and having him feel unsettled about it.

It's hard to believe her presence has caused this, but I guess we can't chance having the problems continue if she's just a distration to him/us. The boys all love her, but getting them to eat and to bed is tough because, if she's there, they want to hide out in her room, etc.

If anyone has any advice, please don't hold back. Sorry this is so long. I have a feeling I should say, "Dad told me you really wanted another 3-6 mo. here and I have to ask that you have plans to leave no later than the end of July. We just don't want to start a new school year and have the disruption of a move shortly after getting settled into a new routine. I hope that's OK w/ you." I'm afraid if I leave it up to her father, any further discussions won't take place, assuming this one did, and that things will boil over as July nears. But, I don't want to appear to be kicking her out, either. Any suggestions?

I realize I have a few issues: an unwanted overextended "house guest" who has only helped me the day after moving back in after our argument, feeling like I sacrificed too much to finally have this house and now someone's in my nest, not cleaning up as she should, and the age old problems w/ my husband never supporting me or demanding respect for me/us/our space. The bottom line, and I've old my husband repeatedly, is that I've just grown uncomfortable w/ the arrangement. I feel taken advantage of and awkward. One night (10:45 pm), I was cleaning the stairs (glass railings), bent over, when I heard giggling from her and a guy friend who just got quite a view of my backside as I was in a night shirt and undies. I was moritifed. On another evening, step was late from work, her mother was meeting her for something and I had to entertain that woman for over an hour. Now, at 24, my step should be able to have a guy friend over and her mother, but I don't need either and it's always someone...Sorry if I sound bitter...

Dana