adult stepchildren using emotional blackmail
I am looking for some comments from anyone who has experienced something similar to my current situation.
I have been with my partner for over 10 years and we recently married in May. I have always had a good relationship my husbands children, who are now 26,24 and 19 years. I met them after being with my husband for 2 years. He had separated from his wife at 2 years earlier. I have never interfered in the relationship they have with their Dad, and always encouraged my husband to spend time alone with them. OVer the years we have taken the youngest on holiday with us (I paid as my husband couldn't afford it).
I am totally self sufficient from a financial point of view. I own my own house and car. My husband has struggled over the years to ensure the children were allowed to stay in their home with their BM. The divorce meant that he left her the house and he kept his company pension.
He moved in with me and I continued to pay all my own bills for at least a year. In addition I would take us on holiday as I knew he needed to meet payments to his ex for child support.
We are now at a stage where my husband had to take early retirement through ill health. When his sick pay stopped in February this year, he no longer had earnigns to continue to support the payments he was making to his ex. I should make it clear also that the middle son (age 23) has been out of the house at Uni for 3 years now, although my husband has continued to pass the money to BM. His youngest still stays with BM and is on her 3rd course at college.
BM uses her oldest son to try to emotionally blackmail my husband. The recent annoucement of our marriage combined with my husband having to stop payments has meant that all 3 adult kids are now not speaking to either me or their Dad.
The oldest came to the house to speak to him Dad recently. He explained that they were annoyed that we seem to be going on holiday but can't pay money to his Mum. My husband explained that he has had no earnings since February and will not be in a position to contribute until his pension starts in August. The holiday (our honeymoon)is being paid for my me.
I was upset and annoyed that we were being told that we should not be going away because money wasn't being paid to BM. I text the oldest to see if we could meet to discuss (reason being my husband burys his head in the sand andnever wants to rock the boat). I had a good enough relationship to tell the oldest that I was extremely upset that they have not only snubbed our wedding (no card or acknowledgement), their Dads birthday and my 40th, but they were also telling us that we should be continue to pay BM her money. He e-mailed me to say the money should be coming from me if their Dad can't pay it.
We have now not heard from any of them in nearly 2 months.
Am I right to tell the oldest that I am disappointed that they have behaved this way as a result of their BM now not getting money from my husband. He has since August made a personal arrnagement with his 23 year old and 19 year.
I feel incredibly let down by them after all these years.
You are in no way responsible
You are in no way responsible to pay for them. Not only that but they are over 18 and should be providing for themselves. Is there any way you can go back to court to stop the CS since they are adults now?
Hell no...I don't think you should have anything to do with any communication on this. This is his problem and I would be grateful that they are ignoring you.
First is this support he is
First is this support he is required to pay or support he is voluntarily paying? If he is required to pay, then he needs to see about getting that changed due to his circumstances. I do not know the laws where you live, so I am not sure if you are liable being his wife. I would hope not.
Other than that, if he is voluntarily paying or you are NOT financially responsible per law, tell them to take a hike. They are adults and need to all find a job and support themselves.
This is a voluntary
This is a voluntary arrangement. He agreed at the time of the divorce to pay child suppport. In Scotland, this ceases at age 19 years. However, BM puts so much emotional pressure on all three that the oldest acts as a go between. My husband feels an immense sense of guilt at leaving the children and she knows it. He also suffers from depression and this is the reason why he had to take early retirement. The kids all know this. I am angry that they have chosen to take BM's side and not take account that their Dad is ill. In addition, my Mum died just before xmas. No consideration for either of our emotional circumstances. They are solely focusing on the fact we went on a honeymoon. I want to tell them that my savings are really nothing to do with them or their Mum. If I choose to take my husband on holiday with my own money, this should not be an issue.
Its incredibly frustrating. We have both been very supportive both emotionally and financially to all three over the years.
"Its incredibly frustrating.
"Its incredibly frustrating. We have both been very supportive both emotionally and financially to all three over the years."
with skids, no good deed goes unpunished. and, with that in mind, never do anything for them again. they will never appreciate it. never.
Thanks for all the comments.
Thanks for all the comments. Its just so upsetting that after so many years, when I have always looked out for them and made lovely dinners, given presents, taken them for meals etc, that when both of us really need their support, they ignore the fact we got married and have concentrated on the money.
I have learned a rather expensive lesson but will not make the same mistake in the future. My husband is standing by the same decision, so it will make for some intersting times ahead.
Ditto! Well said! Why don't
Ditto! Well said! Why don't you tell them to go get jobs and take care of their own needs and make the money that will allow them to take vacations? Where do they get off asking their father who has had to retire because of ill health to take care of them instead of offering to take care of him???
I had a somewhat similar experience recently where my DH told his kids he was diagnosed with cancer - mild form of skin cancer, thank god, but still, it is not often you get to hear a family member has gotten that kind of news... they had no response to that at all other than to ask when is he going to pay for their car insurance. No expressions of sympathy and support, no phone calls, no emails... nothing. I do not know what makes me angrier: the kind of total garbage that they have proved to be, again and again, or the fact that my DH tries to pretend that it is perfectly fine with him. ARGHHHH...
Thanks for all your helpful
Thanks for all your helpful comments. Its very difficult to deal with a situation when the BM is playing the poor me behind the scenes. She uses (and always has done) the children to get what she wants from my husband. He has in the past been frightened to upset his kids so he has over the years tended to give in. However, due to his change in circumstances, the fact that we are now married together with my input in relation to the total unfairness of how he is being treated, they can all now see that he is not prepared to stand for it any longer. They don't like not being able to pull the strings.
The oldest son is due to get married next year. His fiance (who also takes the BM side) posted a message on facebook recently saying 'I wish a mystery benefactor would come and pay for our wedding!. this was done after they knew my husband had received his lump sum from the pension scheme. Just another example of the type of behaviour that has made us both realise they should get nothing from us.
I would hope in time they sit back and reflect on their outrageous behaviour and realise how selfish and childish they have behaved.
Its incredible how it affects your thoughts on a daily basis. Thanks for listening eveyone.
"if wishes were horses, the
"if wishes were horses, the beggars would ride"...tell her to saddle up!
Like my husbands ex and
Like my husbands ex and children...I have decided I am no longer giving them a cent for anything, only time they even acknowledge our existence is if they want something from us.
Kitten, ordinarily I would
Kitten, ordinarily I would say, NO, you should keep out of it and let your husband tell them where to get off, except in this case the steps have invited you into it by telling you if their father cannot pay then you should. You are now free to say exactly what you please and I think you should say it.
This is why. For 8 years I said nothing, I stood back and respected my husband, they were his children and it was his place to deal with them. The end result, they abused, isolated, insulted and ignored me the entire time. They made damn well sure I was not welcome IN MY OWN HOME amd my husband did nothing. Finally when the daughter had a baby and her boyfriend told DH if he wanted to see it then he would have to leave me, I had more than enough. There was a stale mate from around the June to the August and when she realised dad was not leaving his wife, she decided to come around here. At that point I no longer expected my husband to deal with her, he could not, he had proved time and time and time again he was imcapable of it and I had up until that moment failed to learn the lesson. But when I did, I learnt it well. I did not let her in, I told her she was no longer welcome here and never to darken my door again.
My advice to you, don't wait 8 years, or 8 weeks, the eldest has an ultimate cheek asking you to pay child support for adults that are not even your biologia children. What an , greedy self centred spoilt brat he is as are his brothers. Your husband is no longer financially responsible for these people and he needs to cut it out. They have proven that he was only as good as the cash he gave anyway, no cash no contact. Your husband needs to learn the lesson.
When the eldest told you to pay if the father could not, really your husband needed to pick up the phone and ask him who the hell he thought he was, but as with so many of us have found out, our DH's cannot do it. This is not a good thing, because if your husband cannot do it after all of these years and especially after this, he will never be able to do it, and the situation will continue. No one wants that, well the skids do, but not you, not your husband, this situation must be adding to his depression, in his mind I would imagine he is very torn, here he is supporting his adult children and he really cannot afford to do so, and in order to do so, he is being kept by his wife. This cannot make him feel good about himself.
Do your husband and yourself a favour tell these skids, they are adults now, there will be no more money EVER unless they and their mother get a job and earn it themselves. And make sure they are aware they will NEVER get anything from you so don't hang around for the will. It would appear these kids have been all very nice when the money was flowing, even if it was yours, and that is all they were after clearly. No money, no them. Short term it may hurt your husband to put them in their place, long term it may be the best thing for his self esteem and his depression.
My opinion CS stops at 18 or
My opinion CS stops at 18 or when they graduate high school. Not well into their 20's ... Should be supporting themselves at that point. And no way in heck would I be sending my husbands ex money. Not your responsibility and not even his any longer.