Adult Stepchildren to attend Stepmothers funeral- Bio grands don't like us
I will try to make this short.
My bio mom passed away 24 years ago. I was the youngest of 3 kids and already married. My bio dad met a very nice older lady just 4 months later and they were married in just 3 months. At the time I thought it was too soon, she had one son that lived several states away and he was only 6 years younger than my dad. He had 5 sons that were around my age.
I quickly became close to my dads wife. She was the best grandma to my son that was born few years after she married dad. My stepmom was a very big part of our family and her son visited yearly and grands maybe bi-monthly. about 7 years ago both dad and SM were getting older - Dad had a very serious illness and SM was suffering with dementia - I became the caregiver for 3 years - I did everything while working full time at night doctors, medicine, shopping. etc. We lost dad 3.5 years ago and the rotten bio-son came to town and caused a big stink over my dads estate. He shipped lots of things to his home and we had to get an attorney to handle the mess that ensued. He got his sons to take guardianship and 9 months later against my SM desire he dumped her in an assisted living. He passed away a few months later and we have finalized the estate.
I visited my dear SM at the AL then Nursing home when they moved her after a fall. She loved my visits.
He Bio Grands don't talk to us. I got a call from my in-laws Sunday - they saw my SM obituary in the paper. She passed on Saturday. My siblings and our children along with friends wish to attend her services.
I don't wish to cause trouble - I don't want to upset anyone. My one sibling just drove 25 hours to get here. What do we do? Do we tell funeral director that we are steps- we are not mentioned in the obit only our dad.
Services are for the living.
Services are for the living. I would not go since no one living seems to be anyone you would want to see/support. My advice is that you and your siblings honor her together, in a way that is meaningful to you.
It's sad to say but this is
It's sad to say but this is the best option and you can go visit her grave after everything dies down. I know it feels like you didn't get a chance to say goodnight.
In our culture, we keep a little shrine house (sometimes called a kamidana) with pictures of our loved ones who have passed on in it. The idea is that when their spirits visit us, they have a place to "stay" that doesn't encroach upon the space of the living. We also do this so that if their graves are very far away, we don't have to visit it in order to celebrate their birthdays and their days of passing, and instead can offer flowers and such to their shrine (this was especially true in the past when people had difficulty travelling).
Maybe look into setting one up? I can tell you it gives a lot of closure because it feels like we're still "doing" something for them.
You could ask the funeral
You could ask the funeral director to view the body prior to the service IF you wanted to pay your respects. All the while keeping a distance from anyone who didn't tell you of her passing away. In part showing respect for those who grieve, not that you arent but I hope you know what I mean.
I would not just show up if there is bad feelings with her living family members. That's me and not everyone feels the same.
Sorry to hear that your step mother passed away. It sounds like you both equally enjoyed each other.
I wouldn't ask the funeral
I wouldn't ask the funeral director to view the body separately.. If you ask the funeral director would ethically, if not legally, have to tell whoever arranged the funeral for their permission to do so.
I wouldn't go to the funeral home, but if there are services at a church I'd go there. Churches services, in most instances, are open to the public. I have a friend, who in similar circumstances, went to the church for the service. She sat toward the back. It gave her closure.
I agree with notarelative,
I agree with notarelative, especially about going to the service. Church is definitely open, and a funeral is about honouring the dead. I would definitely go to the service and don't worry about it. Most people will act appropriately at such an event.
notarelative with all do
notarelative with all do respect I have experience in this area. The funeral director may have been given specific directives OR not.
It is not unusual for co-workers or friends to ask the funeral home if they can come by before work for example. Certainly not before the deceased is dressed and placed.
Since op already knows the bio family doesnt like them, this is another alternative.
By calling the funeral home OP can learn whether or not she has been blocked too.
Not a good idea to attend the service or funeral. She could visit the grave site a few hours following the grave service IF there is one. And have a private moment with her step mom which is likely to be meaningful and stress free.
**If you do not want x's, stepkids ect to attend please give directives**
Goodluck, with all due
Goodluck, with all due respect I have experience with this. When my first husband died the funeral director told me that someone had asked to view the body before the wake/viewing. The funeral director told the person that my permission was needed.
Things are different in different places. But, here if you want to view the body at a time other than the public viewing, the funeral director will ask permission from the person who arranged the funeral.
notarelative yes different
notarelative yes different guideline may apply in different areas. Different factors such as a private service at convenience of family. That was not my point my point was that she CAN ask to view the body independently from the people who apparently dislike her. All she has to do is ask and yes, the funeral director may call the next of kin. My experience is based on my relative has been in the funeral business for well over 30years. Friends, co-workers, neighbors etc DO come by for all different reasons and sometimes the family may not know because they did not sign the guest book IF there is one.
She should not be surprised if she is blocked.
IF there are persons you do not want attending funerals or even visits to a hospital room it must be made known. Otherwise anyone can and will if they want to taunt the family.
sorry again OP.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your opinions. Now, I feel terrible for my brother... it is a financial burden for him to travel all this way. I am unsure of what to do... the company that I work for customarily will not only send something.... co-workers and upper management will attend services. My department is aware of the ill feelings. They have been great support when I was no longer welcome to care for SM. The BIO Son was the biggest issue. The Bio Grands just don't care.... I failed to mention that the service is only at the funeral home for a 1 hour visitation then service.
SM had pre-arrangements made from before she married dad. I became friends with the deacon of the church. I feel they will wonder where I am. should I call and explain?
I thought if we stayed back from everyone it would be ok...
Please everyone on this site - take some advise My dad and SM had a wonderful relationship in their golden years. It was just a spoiled only child that couldn't accept that his mother was happy with her life. He manipulated her and robbed his own kids of things she wished to pass on to them. Make your wishes known while your mind is clear, better yet give things to them before its too late.
I will greive alone and celebrate her life in my own way. Not everyone can have 2 great moms I was lucky.
I wouldn't tell the funeral
I wouldn't tell the funeral director anything other than that you are family. All of you go. It is highly unlikely that many of her 5GKs and the subsequent GGKs will show up.
My condolences on the loss of your SM.
and place something in the
and place something in the local papers