I don't pay people to be my lovers, I don't pay people to be my friends, and I sure as heck wouldn't pay someone to be my daughter. Close the wallet, tell your daughter you love her and would like a relationship with her. A real relationship... not one based on money, cars or vacations... and that you'll be waiting for the day when she decides she wants one too. 

If she does not consider you her family.. then she should not be getting the benefits that come with being part of a family.. including support and other financial incentives.

It is her right, obviously, to associate with the people she wants to.. as an adult.  However, she also needs to accept that while she may not consider your wife her family.. that you do and that you don't take family vacations with out your family.

If I was your wife, I would also have a bit of resentment that a healthy amount of financial resources are leaving my home for the benefit of your daughter.. unless your wife is also subsidizing her own adult children.. and unless this is such a pittance to you.. I might consider putting an end date on that.  

I would also consider this.  If your daughter severs ties with you over cutting off financial support, not paying for her grad school and not cosigning for debt.. then clearly what she loves is the money.. and any relationship to you is very far down on the list.  Telling her you love her.. but purse strings are closed... if she wants to walk away.. you didn't have a real relationship anyway.

And.. it's unfortunate.. and probably true that your daughter has very much aligned with your EX and is taking on her grievances and biases against you and your wife.  It is hard if she relies and lives with your EX to buck that narrative.. because she doesn't have much choice in some ways.. it's tough to walk away when you aren't able to easily support yourself.

If you don't want a relationship that is centered around money.. take that off the table.

As for a vacation without your wife?  That is something you can possibly consider.. if your wife is in favor.  Your wife may have some interest in doing a solo trip with her own adult kids.. so maybe it's not a terrible thing in itself to contemplate that.  But.. if this is just another way she is separating you from cash.. you footing the bill?  I would think hard before really entertaining it.

Saying no to your daughter will be a teachable lesson, to yourself and her.

Tell her love isnt for sale , that is unless you are a lady or gent of the night.

If you "lose" her because of that, then you have to realize that you never really had her. Obviously you love her unconditionaly. Your daughter on the other hand loves you on conditions. Its a hard pill to swallow sir, but toxic is toxic. and it never evolves into a healthy relationship.

The trip thing I am divided on one hand it may be a good idea if your wife is ok with it.. On the other hand  deep down I would think  that this will hurt your wife. Hasnt she been hurt enough by the toxic daughter?  You are choosing to spend time and travel with the very person who threatens your marriage.  Your daughter will feel she has the power to snap her fingers and big daddio comes running regardless how she is. This IMHO.

Embrace the family who treats you with respect. Just because you share DNA does not mean you have to force a one sided relationship.

Blessings

Sir,  I am so sorry you are going through this.  Your daughter is a grown woman, with a college degree and a job.  She is living in heavily subdized housing (her mothers house) and still expects you to pay for vacations, cars and more college....while shunning your wife and step-siblings.  Hell no, should be the answer to any future financial demands.  What an entitled, spoiled brat.  Stop the monthly cheques now and don't agree to any more of her ridiculous demands.  She has no,respect for you and your family and since she doesn't consider herself as part of your family, she should be treated as you would treat any non-family member would be treated.  Would give co-sign a loan, pay for college, take vacations with or give a monthly stipend to a co-worker that you occasionally had lunch with?  Add to this, you knowing that co-worker disliked your wife and step sons? Treat your daughter the same as you would that entitled co-worker. 

Your daughter has lost her mind. To start with,  you owe her precisely NOTHING. You have paid child support for years. She has now aged out of child support.

She doesn't get to decide who is or isn't her family. If she can't accept your family as hers, she can't make any kind of demand.

If she wants to be  part of your life,  she HAS to accept your family as hers, unconditionally.  Frankly all she wants is hard cash. Don't get sucked in.

She has no reason to reflect on her behaviors or attitude because she is still getting rewarded.  Cut her off.  Blood does not mean you keep giving.  You need to teach her how to respect and treat you.  Stand up for yourself.  

Im in camp StopTheMoneyTrain for your kiddo. She doesnt want a relationship with you for bs reasons but has the nerve to stick her hand out? No thank you.

She sounds like SD25 Feral Forger. Calls husband either by his name or "sperm donor" And only ytexts him when she needs help (moving out of places and cleaning up afterwards) or/and money (can you pay my rent? Half?) without even a thank youverymuch.

what does your wife say?

College graduate. Full time job. Stop sending her money. Let her be an adult. It's not a punishment to let an adult support themself. 

You are paying someone to treat you like crap. stop doing that. what have you really got to lose if you cut off her emotional blackmail? 

If your daughter is a college graduate, works full time, and lives with her mother, what is the monthly payment you give her for? Despite the money you give her, she still won't accept your wife? Demands you take her on vacay and leave your wife at home? Your wife should post here.

You are not treating yourself as worthy of respect, and your daughter is following your lead. I'm not saying that you just cut your daughter off abruptly, but you should give your daughter an end date, maybe 3 months, then the payments stop. Maybe offer to take her on vacation, you pay, but it's with you and your wife. Idk, just some thoughts on how to make the transition smoother. 

She's officially PAS'd (Parental Alienation Syndrome). Clearly, she's not coming out of it and is actually using her PA as a weapon against you and your wife/children. The next request would come with the talk others have mentioned...."I want a relationship with you that is not about money."

Stop falling for the "you owe me" crap. You've clearly paid everything you need to financially and I will add...paying even more because a 23 year old with a degree and job is clearly able to be financially independent. She's using you. And what is there to loose? You do NOT have a relationship with your daughter due to the heavy PAS by the BM....you are simply an ATM. 

If you are still in therapy, discuss this with the therapist. Discuss PAS, toxic BMs, etc. I'm sorry you are going through this but you need to stop this continual pain being shoved on you and put a firm boundary in place. Either your daughter wants a REAL relationship with you or you need to begin the grieving process of knowing she's been lost to PAS. 

Best to you, Sir. I'm so sorry.

She does not deserve the money. I would end the gravy train 

First, welcome.

I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

Now, for some direct and brutal support/tough love. You, are your DD's John, she is your hooker. She gets money, you assuage some guilt feelings by paying her for the illusion of a loving caring relationship towards you.  This is illogical, completely unfounded, and wrong. IMHO. She is wrong for hooking, you are wrong for paying.

This is not a minor child.  You have raised her and likely have finished paying off the womb rental fees you owed her BM for the duration of your Cutody/Visitation/Support CO.  There is no reason you should continue paying for your poor choice in breeding partners.  The CO is done, stop paying for that poor choice.

Tell her to get money from her BM and quote the total you paid in CS, post majority birthday/HS graduation support, and Undergrad costs.  Tell her that it is her mother's turn to support her status as a failure to launch kidult. You are done with the guilty dad payment plan. Or at least you should be.

Time to cut her off completely. You likely have already paid for her Undergrad degree. Grad school needs to be on her. As  should her living expenses, etc... 

NO MORE MONEY to this hooker "pay me to love you daaaadddddddeeeeeeee" failed kidult prostitute.

IMHO of course.

As others have advised, immediatley stop paying her a Cent.  Tell her that you love her and would very much enjoy having a healthy caring father & kidult relationship with her but you will no longer be her money bitch.  For sure, do not ever let her isolate you from your wife.  You need to collect your balls from this kid's purse, and from your XW and your XILs and get on with living YOUR best life.

Which is also how to live a wonderful revenge. You being happy, engaging in your best life, and not wallowing in the shallow and polluted end of your kid's gene pool with her, your XW, and your XILs is a just and enjoyable revenge.

Grow a pair man. Be confident, parent her instead of coddling her.  

Your feelings of guilt are  your choice. Make a better choice.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

I love the answers other steptalkers gave to your question because the other day I asked a similar question except from the view point of me being the wife/Step-Mother. For context, I also have my own bio children that my DH treats very well even though they are not his bio children.

My 2 SD's age 24&26, (step-diablas) demand to spend long amounts of "one on one" time with my DH, including dinners and vacations. The idea that they don't get enough "one on one time" or "alone time" was drilled into their head by their BM. BM also told them repeatedly that their Dad "Has other priorities," "The 'new' family is his priority," and "His friends are his priority." All of this is designed to paint DH as a deadbeat, to control my DH from afar because BM is jealous and instill in SD's a scarcity mindset all the while painting BM as the savior that would never even think about having a life other than her devilish, bratzilla diablas. BM uses SD's to meet all of her emotional and companionship needs.

No matter how much time SD's get, or money or whatever, it is never enough. When is enough enough? The answer is never.

Here's what I wish my DH would say to them.

"I love you very much. The love I have for you and the love I have for my wife are two completely different kinds of love. You are my precious daughter but you are grown up and you have or will have your own romantic relationships and your own life. Don't you want me to have someone to love in my life? Don't I deserve that? My wife is my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life. She loves me and treats me well and I love her and treat her well. There is nothing in this world that can ever change that. I will not leave my wife sitting at home alone while I go out on significant life experiences without her. You have to be kind, respectful and treat my wife with honor because by doing so you show that you care about me. If you can't bring the best of yourself into our lives then we will not be willing to give the best of ourselves. You decide how you will be but you will have to live with the consequences of those choices.

If you are only able to give a little right now I understand and I hope that changes. My love for you is unconditional but my money is not. You are grown now and able to work and make your own way. I will be meeting you at the level where you meet me. My hope is that our relationship can be a full relationship with mutual respect and care. I will need to see a pattern of long-term acceptable action from you. Actions speak louder than words.

Remember that the way you treat those closest to you is the truest reflection of your character. Anyone can put on a good face to the outside. How you treat other people behind closed doors is the truest reflection of who you are on the inside. Do you want to be the kind of person you have been behind closed doors?"

If you allow your daughter to ignore your wife and treat her as less than human while you go out gallivanting with your daughter it will likely lead to your wife feeling resentful towards you and betrayed by you.

You teach people how to treat you. You need to set reasonable boundaries and expectations of your daughter. IMHO

My DH is still struggling with how to handle the diablas. He paid lots of $$$ for SD's when they were kids and then he paid for their college tuition but at least now that they have graduated the bank of Dad is closed. SD's have to go get their own. You aren't doing your kid any favors by enabling her to be a bum. She needs to strive and work for what she wants.

Her mother. I don't know what your marriage was like but your daughter has been groomed to see herself as a victim. Of you. And she has been holding that over your head. It only works if you continue to reinforce this behavior. 
Sit down with your daughter. Have a real and honest conversation. About how a healthy relationship works. How she needs to start paying her own bills. If she says without you psying her bills she is no longer speaking to you call her out on it!  
Regarding your wife, you are a package deal.  Yes you can have a relationship with your daughter even if she rejects your spouse but ultimately it will not include holidays etc etc because your wife comes first. 

"I am being used".  Just stop this craziness.  DD doesn't get to do a dadddddy ,DD Vacation. With out the whole  family  .  You payed enough, this isn't going to end well. Regardless of what you do. Except divorce your wife and family and become her private ATM.   

'Your choice, your wife and family or DD. 

So sorry this has happened. This is also similar to my husband's situation, especially a while back. DH was ignored, treated like crap, not spoken to for two years, but all kinds of financial demands were being made, from paying for camp to out-of-state college to the wedding. They (SD and BM) got the message when DH contributed very little to the wedding. . . he finally began pulling back. (SD made a special trip to our home for the first time in 7 years--her idea--before telling us she was engaged. I KNEW there was something up with that trip. It was to "reconcile" in order to get wedding cash.) 

DH and SD have a relationship that works for them now (as well as it's ever going to work). He had to set boundaries. She is not invited to our home because she hates me, she's a crappy person, she's a manipulator, and she doesn't respect us. So, he visits her about twice a year, talks to her on the phone, she appeals to his heartstrings with baby videos, and he sends her birthday and holiday gifts. 

He finally did find peace, though, recognizing that this is as good as it gets. He's never going to stop loving his daughter (at least the one he remembers as a 5-year-old), and in some weird way, she probably is always going to hold some piece of him (from when she was 5) close to her heart. But the mother did major PAS damage all those years and SD has never come into being her own person. 
I'm glad you're in therapy and pray that you find peace. I know it's hard! 

I am sorry for your pain. My husband is experiencing something similar, and it's so painful to watch.

I hope your daughter finds her way back to you. Would she consider seeing your therapist with you, or one she chooses?

In any case, stop the money. "You owe me" doesn't have an end, and a relationship based on money isn't a relationship.