Setting Boundaries
I recently bought a book called "boundaries" recommended to me by a Christian counselor. I am almost finished with it and I must say it's helping in our home a great deal. I have always been told "you teach people how to treat you" I used to wonder how? since you can't control what others do but I have found you can control what you do and especially in your own home (to an extent).
When I married DH 3 months ago he had no boundaries with BM. she controlled him like crazy. if she called and told him he needed to be home with his daughter by a certain time he would jump and go. He even wouldn't let me ride to church with him the first week we dated out of fear she was going to pull up to pick up SD. I didn't know that's why but he told me later. At ball games he would go over to tell SD bye and left me by myself because he was afraid of what BM would do. He would make his daughter call her 3 hours after we got her etc. the list goes on. Meanwhile his psychotic BM would text him obscene things and cuss him up one side and down the other about anything he did, things that were none of her business.
NOW..she's not allowed to text his phone, if she does she gets no response so she has stopped. He only communicates with her through email and only about important matters. If she calls his phone, I answer or we hit ignore. unless it's something important then she can leave a msg. At ball games he stays by my side and has SD come to tell US bye together. Oh and those calls 3 hours after we get her are no more. She sees her the very next morning so there's no need to call just so she can ask where DH is. which is what she always ask. Ofcourse she hates the air I breathe but that's fine. If this is going to be my house then I'm going to have peace with or without her approval.
Boundaries are a most
Boundaries are a most wonderful thing.
That's not only boundaries,
That's not only boundaries, but also parallel parenting...Another subject to read up on, lol...
DH set those exact boundaries for BM @ 5 years ago when he and I got engaged, and he also parallel parents instead of co-parenting...It took him a while, but he got it...It's made a lot of things more peaceful...BM tries to test the boundaries every once in a while, but he always stays consistent...
That's awesome! He has joint
That's awesome! He has joint custody so we have her the half of the week every week. I'm hoping with consistency things get alot more peaceful our way!
Mine was a similar story to
Mine was a similar story to yours, at first, BM had DH by the short and curlies, but it has totally turned around now, to a similar situation to the one you have. MUCH better! Not perfect, but tolerable.
At first I thought it was
At first I thought it was because he must still have feelings for her then I realized it's because she's always controlled him and everyone else in her life. She was both Physically and verbally abusive. I am not intimidated in the least bit. I know we must have healthy boundaries in all aspects or we will be miserable.
lovingstepmom..who is the
lovingstepmom..who is the author of the book you are finishing up? Sounds like something we could definately use in our house!
I want to be very honist
I want to be very honist about my situation which has came down to becoming a soon to be ex wife. Maybe before we married, I should have listened to my instinct. My husband has two grown kids, girl and a boy,I myself have two grown daughters.His daughter has nothing to do with him, she holds it aginst him for,taking her child away from her years ago.He did this because she was not being a good mother. The daughter has never got over it. The one time I ment her you could see and feel the bitterness.He regrets it that she can not forget what he did. His son is almost 40. After their dads divorce,which was his first marrage the wife moved out of state taking both kids, this caused him alot of hurt but in time the son came to live with his dad. He could not get along with his mom, so she sent him to live with his dad.Ofcorse this was great or was it? With dad he had free rain did what he wanted,very spoilled to say the least. My husband married again after this and it ended in divorce, Because of problems with the children.I must say that if it was anything like our marrage is now, I can understand the problems.It is not about our kids but his son,who is almost as I said,40 and married now.I seen how his son treated his dad before we got married and felt the jealousy about us getting married. WE did and now I have become truley hurt by the son and his wife,as hard as I tried to make things work, I am truley the enemy.The son and his wife have a drinking problem and have no respect for anyone. I have tried to overlook alot of things but in so doing its got worse. He shows his dad disrespect and wants to control him, Hes hurt him over and over again and laughs it off like its nothing. It hurts me deeply the disrespect he shows his dad and I can not help but stand up aginst the wrong, its my husband. Also the wife has one of the worst potty mouths I have been around.Hear is my issue, my husband agrees that they are a problem. They hate me for saying they are doing wrong,My husband tells me he understands and agrees it is wrong, knows it hurts me.What the problem is, I speek up he dont, he acts as if he fears saying anything to his son and dont.I have been left on my own, asking for some respect from them, trying to say it nicely,all I get is a F-you, They refuse to respect me.My husband and I have argued over this issue time and time again, Why he refuces to stand up for himself,his wife or our marrage, letting me be run down and abused by them, my own kids can not understand it. They get along well with him, yet see why it has hurt me so badly. He tells me he loves me, wants me happy,but still lets me be the bad guy so to speek. I ask him to see someone get help, which he agreed to, we both went to a marrage couselor,one visit,between visits we had issues again and I did not make the next visit, he did.Something else I forgot is he avoids telling all the facts,only what he wants to but on my first meeting with the couselor, I shared that I was the victum of child abuse and that I could not hide my feelings,or hurt well. He new this as well. I know that being abused as a child has effects on your adult life yes,I agree.But in all truth this issue is about lack of respect and his not being able to stand up for right,where his son is involved. What I heard from my husband after his second visit was that it was all my fault not his, This really was hard to take, she never even heard my side of it. She said I was to blame and it would be in his interest to divorce me. I really felt telling her I had been a victum of abuse, labeled me guilty. I still can not understand this it hurts.I guess once more I am a victum Of asking for respect standing up for right ways,not justifing or excepting his sons way of treating us both. I have been told, he still loves me if I want to try and work it out,we can. My feelings are if he can not see what his son is trying to do and care,why try? He will stay in denyal and go on fearing his son.So I to feel divorce is the only answer,what good is it if I am the only one who cares??