Why does it matter? You talked your husband into moving away and now the kid is never in your home. You do not have to interact with him at all.

Next visit bag some of his hair, bag some DH hair separately, and send it off for a DNA test. If this kid is not your DH's spawn then broadcast that loud and clear to DH, MIL, and the BM. To prepare for backlash have your own kid DNA tested at the same time to prove he is DH's. You can lord that over the situation if the tests prove that SS is not DH's bio-spawn.

Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. Use them.

If SS is DH's spawn then adapt your behavior accordingly. You do not have to love the Skid but you should engage with him in as healthy a manner as possible. If you keep pushing this kid out of your life you will end up costing your own children the best possible relationship with their grandparents. Your ILs will likely prioritize the fist relationship GrandSpawn over your kids because of history they have and because they recognize that you and your DH are not engaging with the kid.

So, find out the facts and act accordingly and in the best interests of yourself, your marriage, and your children.

I too had to deal with bratty, disrespectful and down right embarrassing skids. I have no real advise. I left any type of discipline to DH. I never said a single word. Sometimes I would sit in my bedroom the entire time that they were here and would only come out to eat. They made a mess of my home, would eat me out of house and home, etc. You just have to try and keep one step ahead of them. I would go food shopping and keep all of the non perishables in my trunk until they left. I would have gone after they left but sometimes BM never picked them up until 11PM on a school night. I would do a walk through of the house before they arrived and hide anything that I did not want them to see in my bedroom. My calendar of events would come off of the fridge and be hidden until they left. Nothing in sight that they could see and take back to BM to discuss. I would have simply left and went somewhere but DH would then be convinced to give them money that he did not have to give. Many times he put us in a financial bind over giving to the skids. I would encourage DH to have a relationship with the skid. Even if he just spends a few hours with him on a weekend afternoon. He could even take your little ones with him and give you a free afternoon.

I'm not sure what you're complaining about, and what the point of this post is, if you don't have to deal with the child any longer?

1. You don't have to love anyone.

2. Some (most?) skids aren't looking for love from steps, I don't think. Esp if >12 yrs old. They seem to mostly want the bio parent to reinforce (constantly) that they are still just as important. Unfortunately, some (most?) skids seek out that affirmation in horrible fashion.

3. Sounds like DH has some stuff to work through / figure out once and for all (paternity, discipline, house rules, etc). I mean if he cares about the future and his relationships with you and his kids - ?

i speak not only as a stepparent but a former skid.

me and my brother are prime examples of how different skids can be.

my brother was just FULL of anger, rage and hurt. he was a mommas boy and always felt like my mom just "gave him away" to our dad (and by extension the HORRID women that my dad got pregnant after that). He did constantly try to get under our 1st step-mother's skin.

Some background: our 1st stepmom was a drug addict (opiate pain pills; hash; occasionally marijuana). she came from an abusive family so she hit us with frying pans, sticks, telephone cords, broom handles, belt buckles, etc. CPS did visit opur home.My father was an "i don't want to hear any whining or i'll beat you too" kind of father. he was happy to have a woman around to cook, clean, manage bills and kids and have sex with him. very basic and very unhappy.

my brother tried to fight against that and got BEATEN REPEATEDLY and badly. Finally we had in home social work visits after he tried to kill himself and came exteremly close to actually dying.

Here's the twist:
if you talk to my 1st step-mom today she will literally GUSH about how "good" we were as skids and how she "couldn't have asked for better kids" - we did the laundry, vaccuumed, cooked, watched her son (our half-brother), cleaned bathrooms, made our parents bed and cleaned their room, took out trash, cut grass, etc, etc, etc... I was a straight-A student. My brother had a touch of ADHD so his GPA was not as good (like 3.6) but he tested at an IQ of 145. My ex-step-mom will brag about this all day long --- like she had ANYTHING to do with it.

Meanwhile she was put in drug rehab 2 times while married to my dad. Once after totaling her car high on crack. After the 2nd rehab did not work, she moved into a crackhouse with her boyfriend and abandonned the family (including her own son). My dad then divorced her. She eventually cleaned up (for the most part - few relapses here and there), and she constantly triesd to make amends --- which is fine. people can learn and change and punishing a person forever is a waste of life.

But her cross is still there for her to bear: my half-brother (her son) is also a drug addict, has been in and out of prison (most recent;y connected with armed robbery), he has 4 kids by 4 different women (2 are drug addicts; his last kid went into withdrawals in the hospital nursery)and he is always threatening her with violence, destroying her property and stealing her money.

My brother (full brother) is a successful financial advisor. I am also a professional.

Skids are not always the problem.

As for love?

I can't say that I love my former stepmother at all. I like her way more now (that she is sober). Her true personality is actually likeable, if you can even imagine that. But I do not love her. And i don't recall ever WANTING her to love me. I just wanted her to stop terrorizing me and my brother and I spent most of my time avoiding her (she will tell you, "XXX was really quiet she spent all of her time in her room or out with her friends").

One of the most uncomfortable moments that I remember is when my SM got done on her knees to hug me when i was about 8 or 9 and told me I needed to start calling her "mom".

after almost 12 years of her presence in my life - and calling her "mom", after she and my dad split up, it was as easy as switching off a light to go back to calling her by her first name.

you DO NOT have to love your skid!

he/she probably does NOT love you either.

BTW -

1. one hour away is NOTHING. why is that being looked at as "moving away"? i mean, christ, the downtown area where i live is 40 min away --- and its the same town basically. it's not that far.

2. the DH is spending time with his son - SS is just not coming to your house as much or at all. so what? i'm sure this little kid has been mentally twisted by BM (believe me, i KNOW THAT THIS DOES HAPPEN), but he still needs to spend time with dad - and also, he might LIKE having dad all to himself during visits. it's good for everyone. I know my skids seem to thrive on 1:1 time with dad, away from our house and it gives me breathing room. it's a win-win, i think, right?

3. it's a shame that the BM poisoned the well, but as moms, we do tend to want complete control. we want our kids to be our little minions, a reflection of us as they set forth out into the world, doing our bidding (admit it!). if your goal is to raise a "good man" or a "good woman" - a citizen of teh world - then your controlling maternal instincts will pay off for good, not evil, and teh whole world reeps the benefits. but that isn't what happened here. sounds like BM is working for the dark side.

4. if i were you i'd stay neutral and calm and be your best self. it might be challenging, but practice the golden rule. if you are always correct/ethical/fair in your behavior and your reactions to situations remain in porportion to the situation, you will eventually be respected. maybe never loved, but respected. perhaps even trusted and admired -- esp if BM is CRAZY. i really think you will see this happen over time. just keep your cool ALWAYS.

my skids BM is CRAZY --- as in actually taking psychiatric medications CRAZY. the skids have said they think she has PMDD (that menstrual mental illness) because monthly she goes BESERK (destroying things around the house, verbally assaulting everyone, getting OCD about cleaning, and breaking down into angry crying spells out of the blue). apparently she also has panic attacks.

the best way to deal with crazy is: to not be.

be the BM's opposite. you will rise above everything / everyone.

i mean, how long was McCain a POW? he always keep his composure.

you can do it.

I would love to have that situation, where my DH could just go visit his son and I wouldn't have to deal with him. I don't think it's a terrible thing that you don't care for him. I don't think I care for my stepson either, he's only around 6 weeks out of the year and I don't feel like my DH thinks about him at all or even knowledges he exists besides when he's here. I don't think you need to worry about it at all. 

I don't love my 2 SD's either. One is 9 now the other is 22. (Known their dad for 4 years and been married 2)

I would love them if they were respectful girls. 
 

My stepson might be the cause of my divorce.

Actually wrote a whole article about it lol.

https://beingagoodparent.com/teenage-stepson-is-ruining-marriage/