The first thing that DH and I, when we get her is take her to the bathroom to assess her clothes. We then, clean SD up and put her in all clean clothes. I wash the clothes because I refuse to send her home wearing dirty clothes. We don't send her home in clothes we buy her because BM never returns anything, as we survive on less income than BM does, we can't afford to keep replacing the clothes we never get back.

I should clarify what I think the wiping issue is: DH and I go with her to the potty and clean her afterwards, but I don't think the same is being done when she's with BM. When SD's with us, she never scratches, she never gets poop stains because we're on top of it. However, since I'm not there when SD goes potty at BM's house, I don't want to assume she's not wiping SD.

SD is with us EOW from Thur-Sun and spends 3 hrs with us Tues and Thur weekly. I worry about SD learning proper hygiene.

Still, thank you for the advice on how to handle the questions. SD has asked me why and I've always just changed the subject.

It just makes me so angry because it's just not right. I guess I'll just have to learn to deal.

You're right, of course I was just really upset with the situation. It started when, she asked us to take SD for a few hours, when it was her scheduled time because she wanted some down time with her boyfriend. So, somehow there were fresh poo stains on. SD's panties, so DH put her in new clothes and panties. I washed the panties and decided the rest of her clothes weren't that bad off, for once. I hung the panties over the heater thinking maybe they'd dry in time.

They didn't so I sent them back and DH explained to BM's BF that they needed to be hung up. DH gets back and less than T minutes later, BM calls and bitches us out for washing and changing her panties. DH tries to tell her that we didn't mean anything by it, we just didn't want to leave her in dirty panties and we didn't want the still damp clean panties to mold.

An hour later, BM calls back and asks us to take SD again and take her for the rest of the night because she and her BF want to go out. Of course, we take SD. When BM drops her off, SD doesn't have on a winter coat, in 20 degree weather and it's snowing. The shirt she has on has this HUGE brown stain down the front of it and we're not talking about the kind kids get after just eating, the damn thing is dried on HARD onto the shirt and her pants have dries on old bits of candy stuck on, that I had to Pry off because it's fleece. So, I was just angry that after all the arguing with my DH over how she's a terrific mom and that SD is well taken care of and how dare we imply that she doesn't clean her clothes.

I just needed to vent it out.

I've begun taking before and after pictures because I feel like SD's being neglected.

BM got the custody arrangement as such because we lived in a remote area and we all felt it was best that she start preschool. DH and I made the decision to move back to the same city as SD so he could be closer and get better custody. We couldn't find an apartment, so we're actually living in a motel until we can find something with enough room for SD. As soon as our living situation has become stable we plan on pursuing at least a 50/50 split if not full custody because we're worried about SD's development, which has been severly stunted due to the dysfunctional home and then the divorce.

SD is 4 and speaks like she's 2. She still drinks from a bottle when she's at BM's (DH has to constantly send back the bottles because BM will drop SD off with one in her mouth). She didn't begin potty training until last October and by BM's own admition, it was DH and I who got it to stick by taking the diapers away. And it's not that SD is unintelligent, because she learns and picks things up from us at such a fast pace.

At the same time, I understand DH's reluctance to say anything to her because I've seen how she is, first hand. During the divorce, DH asked her to go to mediation to work out custody, because she refused to let him see SD without a custody arrangement in place. She told him flat out no because she wanted the judge to decide. She then got her neice the next door neighbor's daughter to accuse DH of molesting them. There was an investigation, which came up with nothing because DH was innocent, but this is the kind of drama we have to deal with. BM doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants and SD is caught in the middle.

Which is why, at first, I interacted very little with SD. I make sure she knows that I'm not her mama and I honestly don't want to be. I'm just not a monster either. When I married DH, I knew it was a packaged deal, I understood that I wasn't just marrying the man, I take my vows very seriously. It just frustrates me and I needed to vent out to get rid of the overflow of anger that accumilates, when I can't do anything for either of them, except be supportive and

You are so right. While I don't mind the washing of the clothes or the cooking. I'm not yet a mother and I don't want to be SD's mom. When I first met SD, her BM was at the bar so much that when she was around me and I'd tie her shoe or help her with her coat, for a little while, she tried calling me mommy. I nipped that crap right in the bud and told her "SD, I'm not your mommy, honey. I care about you this big (imagine hand sign), but you need to call me 'Hallowed.'

I come from a divorced family (I was 4, too). My parents made every mistake you can make with me, but it's made me more careful of how I interact with SD. Which is also why I'd like to throttle BM and scream, "Wake-up you selfish git and be the mom this little girl needs you to be!"

Then again, if DH gets his way at the next custody hearing, visitation might change and I'm not sure how everything will work out.

I was just really upset and feeling resentful about it. SD isn't the problem, aand as much as I'd like to tell BMoff I do realize my place. It was just nice to vent it all out. Thanks to all for being. Theere. This forum has really helped.

Wow, I definitely don't have that bad of a situation going on. I met my SD after our second date because DH and I knew eachother from highschool some 14 years ago and we'd kept in touch. DH was in an abusive relationship withBM, where she spent most of her nights drinking at the local bar, sometimes going home with another man, while DH stayed home and took care of SD.

I was living in a nearby state and his mother called me and urged me to visit. BM had almost completely cut DH off from his family and friends. He suffers from anxiety and depression and is on Disability for it. So, a year ago, I went to visit him. I'm not OCD by any means, but I spent that night scrubbing mold off the dishes, taking out bags upon bags of garbage that had been stacked in the corners. Scrubbing his bathroom from top to bottom all while scolding him because I blamed him and BM for the conditions and went as far as to tell him that he was lucky CPS hadn't found out about this because there was no excuse when both of SD's parents were stay at home.

At that point, I told him, If he really wanted out, I would help him. Domestic abuse doesn't just happen to women, people, men can be victims, too. We kept cleaning, whenever BM was away, and moving his stuff out little by little. We were trying to figure out how to get DH out with SD, but the laws are geared toward the mother and we couldn't think of a way that wouldn't be devastating to SD. DH summoned up the courage and left BM. To avoid BM calling the authorities, DH agreed to leave SD with BM.

For 7 months DH wasn't allowed to visit SD unless he stayed in BM's house. There's a play area less than 30 feet away from BM's doorstep and DH wasn't allowed to play with her there. When he would schedule a visit, BM would make sure she had other kids there that she was supposed to be babysitting or she would have a list of errand that he had to complete in order to be allowed to see SD. We tried going to the authorities and were told the only way he'd be able to get visitation rights was to filed r divorce and seek custody. So, I gave him the money to file

We're on the waiting list for HUD. We're in the motel until.a place opens up. At the same time, we all live in a small town and BM already lives in the HUD complex, so while we wait, we're looking for alternatives as we don't really want to live next door to BM and her BF.

To clarify, I'm already married. We downgraded to be closer to SD and to make sure we could pay her CS. It is important to us to make sure we're keeping up with all of our obligations, we don't mind the temporary downgrade because of this.

DH and I have discussed it a lot and SD is the most important thing. I stay out of the communications between DH and BM, but I get frustrated because even though we're in a motel, we keep things clean for her because cleanliness is part of safety, in my book. We designated a play area for SD and we all get along with eachother. We're taking someone's earlier advice and from now on we're going to document everything so that when we get out of the motel and into a living environment that's condusive to SD, we'll be able to get primary care of SD.

Please, no one get the wrong idea, I back my husband on every decision he makes. He wants primary custody of his daughter, I'm not pushing him to do it. I'm not SD's mommy, nor will I ever be, nor do I want to be. However, she is a part of my husband and my husband is happiest, when he has SD and me together. SD is happiest, when she's with daddy and she gets along just fine with me, so I'm going to back up his wishes 100%.

You know something, I think you're right. The wonderful thing I'm finding out about this forum is the commfort I'm getting, the reassurance, and the advice because I would have never thought to teach her to wipe herself be it's something that me and DH do for SD automatically. SD has picked up so much from us already. I think that's why SD brings me her filthy stuffed animals, now. She was playing with a stuffed penguin that I've owned for years and got dirt on it. So, I gently took it from her and told her that it has an 'owie.' I got out a rag, cleaned it, then took a towel and patted it dry. I handed it back and said 'All better!' So, she wants me to heal all of her toys 'owies.' SD also used to freak out when we washed her dirty clothes because she didn't know what I was doing to them. So, I'd clean them and show them to her, when they were clean and dry and say, "See SD? It's all better now." After we take the dirty clothes off of her now, she'll go to the sink, where I wash her clothes and go "All better?" I'll tell her yes or no, but I always show her the items after and it makes her happy. In turn, my husband is happy because his daughter and wife are having a moment.

I guess in the end, that's all that really matters. SD is happy when she's with us. I've finally gotten the past day of crap out of my system. Who cares what BM says. She can't make me or my husband live in filth anymore. I may not be able to control SD's living conditions at BM's, but she can't tell me how to keep my living situation.