Disengaged for almost a month, but felt bad for SD16 this morning....
I've posted a few different forum topics (My house, my rights...right?, SD uses my house as a laundromat, and another one about switching SD16's bedroom with DS14's) and I have completely disengaged for almost a month, but this morning (only the 5th night that SD stayed at our house in almost a month)she said something to her dad that actually made me feel sad for her. Her BM has been letting her "stay" at her house for the last month, but my SD has to sleep on the couch because her BM doesn't have a bed for her own DD to sleep on. My DH finally put his foot down and said...if you don't have a bed to sleep on, then you're not going to stay there (DH has full physical custody). SD says that it's no big deal and that she wants to live with her BM. My DH says fine, let me talk to your BM; BM won't talk to him. So DH says, if you don't have a bed by tomorrow, you're staying here. Well, apparently BM and my SD must've gotten in to it, because about 15 minutes later, my SD comes walking through our front door crying. My DH talked to her for a few minutes as it was already almost 10pm. I'm not sure what happened or what was said (I don't even ask anymore), but then this morning I heard her say, while crying again, "no one wants me". Talk about making me feel bad! Part of me thinks...you made your bed, now you lie in it...but then the motherly instinct in me is PISSED that her parents have made her feel that way. I do care about her, but I'm not going to allow her to treat me like she has for the last 4 months. I want to let her know that I feel bad for her, but she doesn't give a shit about me, so why should I? I realize that's an immature approach, but it's the truth.
Do what makes you feel good
Do what makes you feel good inside. If empathizing with her makes you feel better, go ahead. She likely won't care, if she doesn't give a shit about you anyway, but it does open a door for communication between you if she is willing to let you in.
Sad she feels that way and I'm sure SD14 went through that as well. Once I disengaged though, I don't really care if she's hurting since SHE is the one who did this all to herself. She knows exactly what she's doing and she's a manipulative little liar so I have no sympathy anymore.
If she wants to stay at BM's and sleep on the couch what's exactly wrong with that? Shit, my DD14 comes to Denver (she lives in Detroit with her dad) for spring break and summer and never used the extra room we had, or the bed in it. We asked her if she'd have a problem with us moving to a smaller place and sleeping on the couch during her visits here and she said "nope, I sleep on the couch mostly anyway". I don't see the big deal.
If she's 16, she obviously knows she has a bed at daddy's place and if she still chooses to stay at BM's, dad can't force BM to get her a bed anyway. Not sure why BM doesn't have one already, but that's beside the point. SD is old enough to choose where she cares to stay, right?
She is 16 years old. You can
She is 16 years old. You can engage long enough to let her know that she needs to shape up and then she is welcome to live there. Otherwise, she created this mess with her behavior and she is the only one that can change it. If not, the couch at mom's works for you...
Be honest about her behavior and that she has a choice on what happens to her now.