Am I doing anything wrong?
Hello I am new to this forum and I have so much to ask. Well to get started I have had so much drama going on with my SS BM. Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I have had nothing but H**l since from his ex. We have my SS every weekend and every wed from 5-8. Then we have him for 6 weeks during the summer. Before we were married when teh six week period came around my Husband would let my ss bm keep him while he worked. Well since we have been married when that time comes around they throw a huge fit because he is with me at my daycare. Even when we agreed to take like 2 weeks at a time. On top of all of this me and my ss had finally started to get that bond I had been wanting around April. I had been putting him and my son in soccer and had them signed up to play tball in may. Well around the first of may, my ss bm started talking me down to my ss. He cries everytime he is around me. Ex. He was getting ready for a bath and started shaking saying " You cant give me a bath my mom and nanny said bad words about you and your not suppost to touch me." How wrong is this? My ss bm never came to a soccer game and when tball started she went and had a new uniform ordered after I had pd all the fees for him to play. (Because she would never go register him when I asked). Since then she has tried to act like super mom. She was very upset the end of april when we met at a photographer for me to get pics of the kids together and my ss threw a fit to go with me. SInce then she has made it a point that he gets scared to come with us on weekends. Now that we have been doing our six weeks she will tell him that we are taking him for 6 weeks and we won't let him see her at all. My ss bm has been put on med for anger and stuff but it doesn't help. She gets in troule for drugs and drinking but her family is rich and pays all her stuff off. She doesn't have to work or pay bills and is a B**ch. She has always been the type to get her way and making my ss upset and scared of us is her way to feel that my ss likes her better. I would never talk him mom down to him. What can I do? My husband has talked to her but she denies saying anything. And just says that my ss tells her I am mean to him. He is 5 and I get so upset when he cries to go with me. We used to have so much fun together. I just wish she would go back to her party life and let our family be happy, but I feel my ss grandmother (her mom) makes her be involved in his life.
My 20 cents ...
Welcome!!
Drama and BMs seems to go hand in hand on this site. Join the club!
DH needs to talk to BM about her talking down about you to the kids. This is a form of parental alienation. DH should also have a talk with SS … perhaps SS can come to DH and discuss the things BM said about you, then DH can assure SS that, you aren’t the “evil” woman they have made you out to be. Also, if you and DH set ground rules, and let child know what ground rules are – your household role, discipline role, etc. – then SS will know what to expect.
My SS4, BM hates me and thinks I am the evil incarnate – because I make my DH stand up to her and not let her walk all over him. Because of that I am very careful with things like baths. I will wash my SS, but make him wash his penis, and most of the time DH gives SS a bath. I’ve only had do “swat” SS once, but when I did I was so worried that BM would say something about me “beating” her child.
Your DH really needs to talk to SS about your role and respecting you. My DH has told SS that under no certain terms, if I ask him to do something, he is to do it. Ask questions later. We always throw BM’s name in the mix, like DH will say “when daddy, or Trina, or BM asks you to do something, you don’t argue, make excuses, whine, or throw a fit, you just do it. Do you understand?” That way it isn’t like I’m being crammed down his throat as an authority figure.
You and DH need to reassure SS that you do not want to replace his mom … you are a bonus mom, so to speak. You love him like a mom, but you don’t want to replace her. Also, we used this with our SS … we told him whenever he wanted to talk to daddy to ask mommy to call daddy. We also have told him that whenever he wants to talk to mommy, just tell daddy or Trina and we will call mommy for you. So, tell SS that he will get to see/talk to BM while he’s with you … he just needs to ask. Reassure him that she isn’t going away, and you aren’t keeping him from her.
I see, I’m writing as I read, that your SS is 5 … so we are in the same boat with ages. I’m surprised that my SS’ BM doesn’t talk down about me. But I think the best way to handle it is for your DH to sit down and talk to SS when he comes. He NEEDS to spend one-on-one time with you also. YOU could tell him if he thinks you are being mean to him to tell you and you two can talk about it. Talking with a 5yo may seem a bit out there, but trust me, they know much more than we think they do. I’m amazed at how much my SS understands.
Others may not agree, but possibly some minor bribing of SS to go do things with you. Say you are going grocery shopping or something, you want him to come with you, but he doesn’t want to go. Say something like, “okay I was going to go get ice cream before/after I got the groceries, I guess you don’t want any ice cream then … I’ll just have two scoops for myself. Sure wish you would come share ice cream with me SS.” Maybe if you make something a lot of fun for him he might want to come along. Like I said one-on-one time with SS (without your BS around) so that he can be reassured that you love him, and stuff.
Hope this helps. Good luck and keep us posted.
~ Katrina
I'm in the same boat having a BM and BM's mom.
I feel the same way, that Bm would go on with her party life and only drop in to visit if it weren't for her controling abusive mother. Messed up people breed messed up kids. From the way BM's mom stepped in to tell Dh and myself how it was going to be when we were in court the last time trying to get custody, BM's mom succeeded at running off BM's father when she was very young and that has been her intention with DH.
It's sick how BM's mom has known all along about BM's DWI, and how she assaulted her friend and has called BM an alcoholic and said she thinks BM needs supervision in order for SD to be safe in her care, and yet, she is throwing money at BM's attorney fighting so BM can keep custody.
I'm sorry for you. I know how it is to have the BM and her mom. It's like having double BM!
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-
I didn't realize so many of bm's mom's were like this!
My skid's bm not only sounds a whole lot like yours, but her mom (NaNa) also sounds very similar!
The super mom sounds familiar as well.... my skid's bm was never very involved with anything pertaining to her kids, that is UNTIL I became a part of their lives... as soon as she saw that I was involved she became OVERLY involved.... not to say thats necessarily a bad thing... just kind of funny.
These women are in a one sided competition and the kids know it... they know how their bms were before we stepped in.
I wouldn't let it get to you... so now shes more a part of her kids lives? Great!
But don't let her run you off either... you keep on being a big part of those kids lives... the way I see it, its more love and support... what kids couldn't use that?
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda
One more thing!
Are you doing anything wrong??
In bm's eyes no matter what you do it will NEVER be right...
It would be best for you if you realize that right now, and move on from it... live your life, do your thing and don't give a second thought to what bm says or thinks about what you are doing!
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda
I hope we are breaking the cycle
I totally agree w/ southernshellgirl hate breeds hate, chaos, messed up whatever else you can call it. It is so sad that mothers and grandmothers would promote this kind of behavior!! But i believe it is happening to almost everyone here. The bm or oposing side. I'm a bm and i don't act like this to the sm's however, my mother would have something to say to me about that if i did! My parents are very decent fair people and believe me even though i'm their daughter and they support me if i'm in the wrong they let me know!!! I believe EVERYONE should have to attend mandatory coparenting classes when they split up and be held accountable and maybe we would see less children with behavior problems. Hang in there Pray more Stress less!!!