Interstate child support and child custody
Hi,
I just found out today that my my husband is the biological father to his ex girlfriends child which arrived in December. She lives in Missouri and we live in Utah. We're just about to go through the courts regarding child support and child custody. I wondered if anyone could give us any heads up or advice?
She's already told us that she's going to make it very difficult for him to see his kid and I've also never met her. She doesn't know we're married as my husband didn't want to cause any problems while she's filing the papers with her Lawyer. I;m hoping we don't have to contest anything so we don't need to get a lawyer either as she's already said she's making us pay half of her lawyer fees which she's writing up in the papers.
I can understand she's upset with him as he was there while she was pregnant but she only told him she was pregnant five months into the pregnancy and that was a few weeks before we started dating. He was very sceptical about the whole thing as the reason they broke up was because she was sleeping with another guy over in Missouri.
Also anyone who has any experience with paying child support to someone in the military that would also be helpful. I know they get discounted child care and also free medical care so they don't have that expense. Me and my husband have no clue on child support or child custody so any help is really recommended.
Will the child support go down when the kid goes to school?
What rights do I have as a stepmother?
What rights does my husband have if she has full custody?
Thanks,
MrsMurdock
DH needs to make sure he's on
DH needs to make sure he's on the birth certificate and do a dna test before he starts anything regarding child support and visitation. Here is a link that can answer questions you have regarding paternity and establishing it: http://dss.mo.gov/cse/father0705.htm
He MUST do this DNA test before he starts proceedings regarding child support and visitation. MUST. So many men are paying for kids who aren't theirs. If he is going to pay CS (child support) he should at least know if the child is truly his or not.
Here's some info for non-custodial parents:
http://dss.mo.gov/cse/ap.htm
He should absolutely not take this woman's word that this child is his. He needs to find this out for certain himself. If the child is his and he does have to pay cs, he should pay through the state so then BM can harass the state for the cs. If she doesn't get her cs on time he can tell her to take it up with the state. https://mo.smartchildsupport.com/?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1
Your husband will likely get visitation rights if the child is his. BM will get legal and physical custody, but DH will likely get visitation rights. They should get a court order in place outlining all of that ASAP if this child is his. With court orders, if BM violates it, she can get reprimanded by the judge, and even face jail time and/or loss of custody. http://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/child-custody-between-unma...
Your rights as a SM (stepmother)? For the time being, your right is to support your dh in this matter. If dna tests establish him as the father and he decides to pursue visitation then that will change. Good luck!
Hey guys thanks for your
Hey guys thanks for your responses!
We got the DNA results today he is the biological father to the kid Unfortunately. We were both praying that he wasn't as we both want a child of our own but have now decided to put it on hold as we won't be able to afford it with child support expenses and travel expenses to Missouri.
He really wants to be in the kids life but hates his ex with a passion she is completely crazy with regards to everything and anything! Changes her mind about having him in the kids life on a daily basis and that really winds him up. I really want to be in the kids life to but obviously I don't want to over step the line.
She is in the military and he's not so we wondered how child support and custody works around that because she's put in her family plan that if she deploys then the baby will go to her mother which my husband isn't happy with because he would like to have his kid if she gets deployed.
It's just all crazy and I feel so useless
So upset with the whole thing. I wish it wasn't his on one hand but on another I know he's going to be a fantastic father to this little boy and worst of all my husband hates the name his ex gave to the kid! Poor guy!
I want to be supportive and I've vented my feelings to him but we're both pretty worried about what the future holds with regards to courts and when and if he's going to see his little boy.
He was smart to establish
He was smart to establish paternity before getting CS started.
You need to read around this site. If you and DH decide to be in this child's life you need to be somewhat prepared for bms behavior.
Right now you'll have to travel to Missouri a lot but as the child gets older he can start coming to your state more. But when you do go to Missouri, add in some sightseeing for yourselves (or yourself- it may be best to let DH do the first few visits on his own). The Gateway Arch is awesome to go up in and has a great view on a clear day.
This child already has one strike against him in that his bio-parents hate each other. Just be your kind self to this boy.
Until this boy starts school, dh should be able to get him while BM is deployed. I say that because when he does start school, he should be able to stay in the same school so he can have that stability. In return, DH may be rewarded extra phone calls, Skype sessions, and all of summers and school breaks.
You also need to read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome because BM will likely try that with SS (stepson) and DH.
I think I am confused. The
I think I am confused. The child was just born in Dec or you found out about the child's existence in Dec?
As for your questions.
1. Will the child support go down when the kid goes to school?
Very unlikely. In fact CS will likely go up steadily for the child’s 1-18 years. At least in most cases. Most states use a version of the Income Shares model which generally results in the NCP paying ever increasing amounts in CS if the CP requests regular CS reviews (usually limited to no more often than every 2-3 years unless there is a major change in circumstance). CS increases because usually the income of both Bio Parents increases. As more income is available to support the child CS goes up. My DW was originally a 16yo single teen mom. She is now a CPA. My SS's Bio Dad was a landscape laborer and eventually became a licensed plumber. My DW's income has increased to a significantly much higher level than the NCP Bio Dads. His CS increased even though his percentage of the total bio parent earned income decreased. The system is designed to screw the NCP and it does that very well. When SS was born the first CO established Bio Dad’s CS obligation at $110/mo. Over the years it increased to $785 a month. He had 3 more also out of wedlock children by 2 more baby mamas. My SS-21 was an only child in our home. Even with a much higher income attributed to my DW and Bio Dad spawning 3 more children his CS obligation to my SS just kept going up. CS ended when SS turned 18.
2. What rights do I have as a stepmother?
You have no legal rights. However you are responsible for the wellbeing of the child when the child is with you and your DH. In reality you have any and every right you choose to take until a judge tells you that you can't do something. This is what I have done for nearly my SS's entire life. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. I have never had any official standing regarding the SKid but I am his dad and the only REAL dad he has ever had.
3. What rights does my husband have if she has full custody?
Your DH has every right he chooses to take until custody is determined by a court. I suggest that he immediately file to either gain full custody or at minimum establish a court order outlining visitation. Since BM will be a single mom she will in all likelihood be awarded full legal and physical custody. Most states award custody to the mother in out of wedlock children situations. If you and DH live in a different state from BM it is worth the effort to research which state will likely give you the best situation regarding custody/visitation/support. If it is your state then file in your state before BM can file in hers. If it is BM’s state then it makes no difference if she files first or you file first.
She can't "make" you and DH pay half of her legal costs unless a Judge rules that you have to. I would recommend that you not let her spout a bunch of bullshit at you. Start doing your own legal research with online sources and start calling attorneys in your state and BM's state for advice. Most law firms will allow for a 1 hour initial consult free of charge. You can get a bunch of advice in 1 hour increments from different law firms. Most counties websites have links to family law governing rules. In our case there was a supplemental rules publication in the original county where the CO was issued that outlined the county and state guidelines for custody, visitation, support, etc........
A CO is the best tool for managing a blended family situation and for keeping both sides in a blended family situation under control. A CO is particularly important if one side or the other of the blended family equation is toxic.
All in my non legal layman's opinion and experience of course.
Good luck.
Sorry for the confusion! Yes
Sorry for the confusion! Yes the kid was born in December and we found out today through DNA testing that it is my husbands son. She is just demanding money and she will get money once court gives us a ruing saying we have to give money. No sooner no later.
She has her own attorney at present who set up the DNA test so she will file the papers first and we can understand that since the baby and her is in Missouri I would expect the Jurisdiction to be in Missouri.
We honestly thought that child support would go down when he goes to school because living expenses won't be as high as they are now while he's in day care
That really isn't what we expected to hear! But okay we can go with that. My husbands wage is around $50,000 a year. We called attorneys and they said that child support will be around $500 a month but with our bills right now we can't afford $500 a month since I don't start working till May. I don't know what we're going to do!
We got told by one attorney that we might not even need an Attorney if we don't contradict anything in the papers that she files such as child support and child custody. I'm hoping we don't need a lawyer but if she goes full crazy on us again then yes I guess we will need one to help us out on all of that. We've saved up some money over the past few months just in case and we have contacted Lawyers but they are just contradicting themselves or don't know much about interstate laws for child support and child custody.
One Lawyer told us that the courts would probably like to offer you child custody because of our situation against hers. She's in the military, living alone, single mother with one income. Me and my husband are married, living together in a two bedroom home with two good incomes by May. Both me and my husband are not ready to be parents right now. We only got married last month!!!
We spoke about it and we're not going to fight for full custody unless she starts to get unreasonable about visitation. We're going to allow her to have the custody since she has bad anxiety issues and separation issues we wouldn't want to send her over the edge by taking her child 3000 miles away but if we have to we will.
Right now we're both stressed and confused to be honest. I'm glad to hear that she won't be able to stop us seeing the kid because my husband is very worried about not being able to see his little boy. He's already upset that he won't be able to see him grow up!
We sent him some stuff a week after he was born and the mother didn't say thank you no nothing! We've decided that we're going to send him a little box of stuff each month with clothes ad eventually toys in for him so he knows that we care even though we can't be there every day.
She's already said that she's going to make sure the kid knows his father doesn't care and all he is is just a pay check each month. That's not fair because we do care, we care a lot but it;s going to be hard to show that since we won't be there every day of his life.
"We got told by one attorney
"We got told by one attorney that we might not even need an Attorney if we don't contradict anything in the papers that she files such as child support and child custody" *gasp*
First the $500 a month on a $50,000 a year income in my state would be considered a heck of a bargain, if I were you run your figures using the guidelines for Missouri CS. My state is a flat rate 20% not counting the health insurance and daycare so the NCP men in my state would be thinking too bad they don't live in Missouri. Anyway....
If your DH allows this BM and her lawyer to write the parenting plan/custody agreement unchallenged Dh will screw himself and hand-up his infant child to this BM on a silver platter. Forget about seeing the kiddo, getting much if any visitation or ever being anything to this child but a walking ATM. Of course it's your DH's choice, but BM and her lawyer are banking on DH being scared, stupid and not willing to put up a fight or money for a lawyer to fight for any rights. By the time she's done developing this parenting/custodial plan and your DH willingly without protest signs off your DH can consider himself pretty much said and done as to ever having a relationship with this child.
As it stands now, your DH's fear of discovering the kid is his and the uneducated naivety he's going in with is a BM's dream baby's daddy. He'll be nothing but the CS check for the next 18yrs. If he actually wants a relationship with his son, tell him to dig deep and find the money to hire a lawyer at least to review what he's going to be asked to agree to in that plan and what it legally all means in reality.
From what you say about the boxes of items each month to baby and the desire DH has to let the baby knows he cares, it appears your DH wants a relationship with child. If that's his true desire, he's going to have to fight for it.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your information. Yes I was hoping for better news
As horrible as it sounds I'd like him to think about giving up his parental rights she asked him to do this and he said no but I know my husband and he's not going to have time to see the child more than once a year and she's going to make that one visit difficult. He'll also be paying for a child he'll never see and who will probably grow up to learn to hate him by his mother. As horrible and as bitter as it does sound I think it will be the better option. It's not like we live round the corner from them and we can't move out there because she's in the air force and will no doubt move in a few years. We can't just follow her around the world unfortunately.
Thanks again for your information.
I would suggest that you not
I would suggest that you not forfeit any of the inertia to her. What she wants does not matter anymore that what you and your DH want matters. Courts make the decisions on the format of a Custody/Visitaiton/Support case. Get on the MO state online child support calculator to begin to understand what your DH's CS obligation will likely be towards his child if custody is awarded to BM. BMs instability is not something that I suggest you cater to either. If you motion for custody you will not be taking the kid from her. A judge makes that decision. Her personal issues have nothing to do with the right thing for the child.
As for interstate cases, he county where the motion is brought tends to retain jurisdiction if either Bio Parent remains in that county. That is how our case worked. My DW brought the original custody case when she was a 16yo single teen mom in the county she and the Sperm Idiot lived in at the time. When she graduated from HS she moved out of state with SS to attend college. We met in college and married a few months after I graduated which was 9mos after me met.
After that jurisdiction remained in the original county. We allowed that because it kept the Sperm Idiot's visitation to a minimum and minimized the toxic influence on my SS. We could have changed venue to our new county in Texas which would have likely raised CS by several hundred% but visitation would have also increased and no amount of money could motivate us allowing more exposure of the Skid to the toxic Sperm Clan.
Our case was interstate in nature. The visitation schedule that was ordered by the family law court had phases. During SS's baby and toddler years before he started Kindergarten the Sperm Clan had 6Wks summer, 10 Days in September, 10 Days over Christmas that never included Dec 25 which was exclusively my DW's day and 1wk in the Spring. When SS became school age the visitation changed to 5wks summer, 10days in September in our area of residence so SS would not miss school, 1wk Winter (Generally it was a week. Officially it was on even years from the day school is out until Dec 24 and odd years from Dec 26 until the day before schools started in Jan) and all of Spring break.
Once he started school they never took their September visitation so basically the schedule was 5Wks summer, 1Wk Winter and 1Wk Spring.
She has already established her idiocy with the perspective that your DH is only a pay check, she will tell the child that you and DH don't care, and that she will not allow much of a relationship between the child and the child's father.
This is enough justification in my mind for your DH to go for total custody and take whatever steps necessary to protect his rights and to protect his child from the mother who has already made her toxic intentions completely clear.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.
I spoke to my DH about going for full custody but he's worried he's not ready to be a father. At least there are two of us at the house and I'll be working from home so he'll have good support from the two of us instead of being in day care 5 days a week already! He's only 2 months old and already in day care five days a week 8am till 6pm. I think my DH needs to think more about the child now and how the upbringing is going to be. I know that BM will tell child how much of a terrible father my DH is even if he pays her god only knows how much each month, sends him stuff and tries to go and see him when he can. It's going to be tough getting visitation because my DH only has 13 days vacation from work a year and this year we already have a week booked to Texas to go and see his family. Now if she allowed us to take the child to Texas with us then that would be great but I highly doubt it since she's already requested supervised visitation for the first few years which really sucks because me and my DH want our alone time with the child instead of her being over our shoulder all the freakin time. I haven't even met the woman yet and she already makes my skin crawl. If my DH was in the wrong about how he's been with her I would take her side and tell him he's doing wrong but she calls him screaming down the phone asking for money, telling him he's a piece of sh** father already.
My DH has spoken to her lawyer who set up the DNA testing a few weeks back ect but all he said to my DH was that she wants supervised visitation and that they'll send all the paper work over to us. I can't imagine this is going to be an easy ride AT ALL but it would be wonderful to dream about a simple easy child support and child custody case.
We'll be going to visit the child as soon as we can but unfortunately we've been told we have to back pay child support to when the kid was born, pay half of her attorney which I really don't want to do but her lawyer has stated she can request this. We're going to have to save up more money for flights and hotel pay which isn't going to be cheap. It really blows that we have to pay so much child support AND pay all these flights and visits because she's said he's not allowed out of state and we have to be supervised by her.
I'll be calling MO lawyers on monday to get some advice and also wait to see what the papers state. It will be interesting to see!
I don't think she's going to be a bad mother I just think she's going to be b**ch when it comes to talk about his father. I'm not looking forward to this at all but I love my husband with all my heart and I want to be there every step of the way for him. We must have met at the right time so he didn't have to go through this alone. I don't want to let it get in the way of us two starting our marriage and also having our own family one day. It's just going to be difficult.
I'm grateful for the support from this forum.
I concur that Ricky has this
I concur that Ricky has this very clearly stated. It is very similar to what was the case for my SS and the OR issued CO. Single moms tend to get primary custody with NCP dads getting visitation unless there is a very clear reason that the BM is unfit.
Your DH needs to be very firm in his requirements and if BM will not be reasonable in negotiating the initial visitation he needs to force it to court for a Judge to rule and issue the CO.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Oh jeez seems like I'm hoping
Oh jeez seems like I'm hoping for the best and a happy life and expecting the worst and a very difficult life!
Guess we'll be getting a lawyer once we have the papers from her stating what she bloody wants ect!
I just don't want her getting all of our bloody money but I want my husband to be part of his life. This is going to be harder than I thought.
Thanks for your tips and help guys and I'd rather you be honest with me and be harsh than hide the truth and tell me what I'm really in for so please be honest with me. If you know something that would help us please do.
Thanks x
There is no reason BM should
There is no reason BM should or will get full legal and physical custody. I will concede that since several states separate you that BM will be awarded physical custody and maybe even full physical custody at that, but when it comes to legal custody there is NO reason why dad can not be granted at least 50/50 custody. If he wants to be a part of his child's life there is no way I would settle for anything less then that. If BM is set on causing trouble and limiting his role in his child's life then he will need all the leverage he can get to assist him in being there for his child.
I realize that it may be expensive but head the advice of the others and get an attorney that will fight for your rights, even if its just to review any and all papers before he signs them. There is also no reason for dad to pay for mom's attorney. That is not a routine order so don't fall for mom trying to say it is.
When it comes to what mom and her attorney tell you remember one thing if nothing else; they are NOT putting dad's or even the child's best interest first. Her attorney is there for her and her alone. Most everything they ask for or write into an order for the judge to sign will benefit MOM. Question everything they tell you.
While you are awaiting DNA results to come back try to get a parenting plan together. Put everything in two categories 1)The bare minimum you will settle for and 2). how much extra you will begin negotiations with so that you have room to downgrade. This will help you look like you are willing to compromise, but be sure to remember what your bottom line is. Google parenting plans to get an idea of what to include, (how are you going to divide holidays, how much summertime do you want, skype time, transportation (it should be devided evenly between them) what will he pay for) Be specific...painfully so!
We have established that he
We have established that he is the biological father. We got the results yesterday unfortunately that hit us like a tone of bricks!
Waiting on court papers now
Waiting on court papers now so we can get this ball rolling. Husbands thinking of trying for full custody since she's just informed us that she might being getting kicked out of the Air Force and if she does she's going to move to Michigan back to her parents, which is even further away from us.
I really don't know how to be around him regarding the situation. I don't want to bad mouth her all the time but it makes me feel so much better! I try not to bad mouth her around my husband but sometimes it's hard. I want to support him if he does go for full custody but this is not how I planned my life to be. I don't want to be a stepmom to a newborn I have no idea about babies or even kids! I've never been around them before so I wouldn't have a clue I guess I want to help my husband with the situation but jeez this is not what I wanted at all. I can't tell him this because that would be harsh.
Sorry I'm just venting now but I've no idea what I'm going to do, I don't like either situation her having custody or us having custody Just wish I could vanish this whole situation.
Your husband does not stand a
Your husband does not stand a chance in hell of getting custody of that baby. Sorry. He needs to work out a visitation/custody order and try to build some kind of relationship with the child.
Well guys we got our court
Well guys we got our court papers through. My husband gets 4 days a year from the hours of 10am to 6pm of visitation rights. These days are not next to each other so we'll have to take a 3 and a half hour flight there to see him from 10am till 6pm and a three and a half hour flight back home four times a year. Is this normal?
We haven't got our child support charges through yet but she's also charging us for half of her attorney fee and half of the paternity test fee.
What are your thoughts on this? Jurisdiction is Missouri so no chance of getting any form of even joint custody after speaking to some lawyers today.
I think it's normal because
I think it's normal because it sounds like DH works a lot so he can't take as much time off, the child is still a baby, and BM may still be breastfeeding. DH will likely get more visitation as the child gets older. It'll be a transition process.
I don't know about the paternity test fee but I can't see any judge going along with her request to make you pay her attorney fee.
Nevermind
Nevermind :jawdrop: