Why did I sign up for this again ?! I was much better off on my own.
Ok I am honestly just so angry and upset with how bad things have become, I just really need to vent and see if ANYONE is experiencing similar issues or can give me some hopeful ideas or encouragement. I am a 32 yo woman. I married my husband 2 years ago and he has a 15 yo boy who is my step son and lives with us full time. He really is not that terrible but he's incredibly selfish, a slob around the house and has almost no relationship with me or his dad. He never wants to talk to us unless he needs something. He wants nothing to do with his dad or me and I've tried and tried to make us feel like a family but it's just not like that. His dad and I have been married for 2 years, together for 4 so it's been a while. my family growing up and to this day are all very close so my step son behaving like a stranger is just not normal to me or something I am comfortable with. We have tried counseling, many many talks, nothing. What it all boils down to is his relationship with his dad is very poor and non existent so he has no reason to try to get close to me. I am so sick and tired of waking up and wanting to sit in my kitchen and have coffee and hang out comfortably and have to deal with my step son being present in the room but totally treating me as if I am not there. To make matters worse, his dad puts noooo effort into a relationship with him either so basically if I don't initiate conversation with the two of them, it just doesn't happen. It's so weird!!! Now I am now at a point where I am feeling sad and regretful of getting myself involved in this depressing home dynamic. It's not a happy feeling to come home to two people not speaking to eachother or me. My husband and I now have a 6 month old happy baby girl so separating isn't an option. Sadly, if we didn't have a child together I would probably be considering divorce at this point. I am so envious of women who live with their immediate family only. I am so tired of feeling I have a total stranger living in my house. I'm just so sad and want to feel happy and love in my house, especially for my baby girl.
Well if it's any consolation,
Well if it's any consolation, a lot of teenage boys are morose, uncommunicative, and generally navel-gazers. I have two sons, now adults, who from about 13-19 were in various stages of the behaviour you describe. I always grieved a bit that we "weren't closer" and I felt so sad I'd never had a daughter (because girls and mothers seem to have closer relationships).
I cannot imagine the challenge it would be for someone to step in as SM to such a creature. What do you expect? Do you want conversation, or to be asked for advice? I never got much of any of that out of my boys unless they needed something...like $$ or food or a ride somewhere. I don't think it's likely the kid thinks anything is wrong...you are just a person on his radar and that's all he wants.
The optimistic news is that once they get to 19-21 or so, if they are normal, at least they become more civil and begin to show signs of seeing you as another adult worth talking to. They have to get out in the world and develop some social skills. Don't try to be the one who teaches them such things.
I remember being flabbergasted when my son, at 25, asked me for relationship advice about a girl!
Raising boys requires another male to teach them how to be a man. Whether it's Dad or a coach or some else, this is definitely not your role. Maybe get DH a book on the subject - or ask him if he remembers being mentored by another male. Maybe this is what your DH has missed, or maybe their male relationship does exist and you just aren't party to it.
I would say, focus on your little girl and your relationship with DH. Let SS do his own thing, and think of him as furniture that occasionally speaks. He will gradually become a human being.
Thank you.. this is actually
Thank you.. this is actually really good advice. It's really what I was looking to hear.
As far as my expectations of him.. I would like to be able to go out to eat, or maybe watch a show or just something!! Ny him not speaking to me or acknowledging me it just makes me feel uncomfortable and almost like I'm in his way. I'm gonna go my best to try and not let it get to me and tell myself this is teen behavior.. and I'll just let him be.
His dad definitely needs to do a better job being a role model. Now that you mention it.. it's all making sense. His dad grew up in a very strange home.. his parents treated him and his brothers terribly. They weren't close and now as adults, the parents don't speak to their sons and the sons don't speak to eachother. Except for my husband.. he speaks to his brothers but the brothers don't.
When I got into this situation I just assumed I could welcome him into my family and build one with him and it wouldn't be a problem but now he carries with him this problems and they are spilling into our life.
I really appreciate your thoughtful response and am going to try to focus on what makes me happy and my daughter.. and try not to let their dark and depressing behavior get to me!!
Very true SM. I have 4 sons
Very true SM. I have 4 sons from 10-21 and they are all in various stages of Neanderthal behavior. You wouldn't believe the goofy crap I have to say and do to get on their level!
My husband had his son at a
My husband had his son at a young age with a girl who was young and irresponsible. They tried to make it work for a couple years but she partied, used drugs and he found himself caring for a baby and her and it was too much. He left and she was totally fine with it and never asked for her son back. Honesty it's the most confusing thing in the world to me. Now that I have a baby girl..nothing in this world could take me away from her.
I'm sure not having a mom growing up has been tough on my SS but all in all.. he's had it pretty good. Before he started acting like a depressed teen his dad and him spent a lot of time together l, he's always had a nice home, toys and electronics he wants, and his dad has been consistently there. Now I've been in the picture for 4 years and I've always been good to him.
Truthfully I just think teenagers are probably the worst as far as personality goes in the life stages. They are so selfish, lazy, they think they know it all but omg do they have so much to learn.. they are hormonal moody and dramatic. Ughhh! His "girlfriend " comes over and puts a hoody over her head and stares down at the ground..while in the house. Weird !!!!
I know it feels like you are
I know it feels like you are an alien in your own home. I smiled when you described the GF...one my boys' GFs at that age used to hold her phone about a foot from her face and text the entire time she was in our house. Even at meals! When I would ask her to turn it off during dinner she would just curl her lip and flounce off. Imnever got too fond of her and she eventually disappeard..
I suggest that you not worry too much what the outcome is for this young man. On some level, you have to detach emotionally and give up the notion that his development is your responsibility. I had a DH a bit like yours...an emotional cold fish. The three men in my house would spend hours at a time glued to the TV, leaving their mess around, grunting at each other, and then wander out asking when dinner will be ready? Unless your SS becomes violent or impossible to deal with, just treat him like a pet who needs food left out. Why try to change these guys' behaviour when they have no idea the benefit your close family could bring. Just visit your family with your daughter.
My response was to get out of the house, go to the gym, swim, shop, visit friends, vist my family, join groups. If I had to be out for dinner, I'd make sure there were frozen entrees in the freezer. One son did catch on and started wanting to learn how to cook, so I taught him the basics, but warned him to not start cooking for the others. He is now independent and feeds himself fine. Not sure about the others, since I eventually divorced DH when the kids were grown and married a more normal guy.
How your SS turns out is not your responsibility. In the meantime, keep yourself sane by taking ownership of your home, your TV, and never mind what he's thinking.