Why?
As stepparents, I see a common practice of not putting up with skids nonsense. I am wondering why we are able to do this, when so many...bio parents...are not.
Are Steptalkers expecting better from the skids than they are expecting from their own?
Are Steptalkers bio children seen through rose colored glasses?
Would Steptalkers spouses have the same complaints about us that we have about them?
I am really curious about this dynamic and am very interested in any and all input or observations, please share your views and experiences. Thank you!
For myself, I am able to say "No" because I have done the work and I am able to say "No" to my kids when needed. (Also "No" to family, friends, professional life, etc.) I do find that because I have been able to say "No" that I rarely need to say it. To some degree, we 'teach' people how to treat us. If they are unable to 'learn' the lesson, we have the autonomy to choose our response. For example, we can be polite, but coordial (and move on) when in a social situation, limit our interactions, or disengage completely.
In general, I think people
In general, I think people are biologically coded to be a bit more forgiving and understanding for their own bio children.
I think to an extent, all kids can be seen through rose colored glasses.. I mean we see this a lot on tv.. someone has done something horrific.. and then you have some parent saying "what a good child they were".. yeah.. so why did they do XYZ?
I do also think that we see there are often issues with both parents having an issue with the other parent in blended situations.. where they resent their spouse being "hard" on their "good kids".. basically.. my kid great.. their kid bad.. but it often is vice versa at the same time. because it's tough having the offspring of someone else in your space.
It's the correction without connection thing.. makes the nonbio resented for stepping in.. even when put in that position.
Now.. I would also say that in stepland.. there are extra issues at play.
You may have two peiople with different parenting styles/expectations.. and in steplife.. a kid may have been raised under one set of expectations.. then the stepparent comes in and wants to put on THEIR expectations.. which may be difficult to have accepted... much later in the game.
Because.. yes.. your kids were raised with your expectations.. from cradle on.. so it's not "new" to them.. you step into steplife with kids who missed that foundation and they struggle.. and they struggle especially if the other bio parent (ex).. is set on being disruptive.. or is lazy..
And.. then you may have a spouse that really doesn't have parenting "chops".. often the men who leave the parenting of kids to the "wimin folk".. so when they did take their custody time they may have relied on others.. like their mom/sister (we have seen that here many times.. ) and any time they do spend is "entertaining" the kids.. vs being a real impactful parent.. because many of them don't even really know what that is.. or are guilty for breaking up the marriage.. or that the marriage just didn't work.. or in competition to be the more favored parent with the kids.. so don't want to say no.
And.. finallly in steplife.. parents have even LESS time with their kids generally than in "in tact" families.. where the pressures of two working parents already reduces the time parents have with their kids... which means that a lot of kids are underparented.. because parents just don't want to "fight" with the very little time they get to spend with their kids. I would say that overall that has resulted in a general lack of behavior by more than just stepkids today.
I agree about the different
I agree about the different expectations. It's one thing to blend families when the kids are very young, but when you have school-aged kids or teens, a stepparent isn't going to undo years of parenting. That's one reason i'm not considering cohabitating until all kids are launched. I think that plus the overbearing ex factor would have made it a complete disaster for all involved.
My SO has never had to live
My SO has never had to live with my kids and there have been very few issues. I think this is due to several main reasons (besides the not living together.)
I didn't "dump" care of my kids on my SO, so i feel that he didn't have to put up with a lot of the crap that stepparents on this site deal with. I think a lot of the issues we read about on here as far as problems with skid behavior are from stepparents who are alone with the skids a lot or have to perform functions of a parent like discipline.
I also acknowledge verbally to my SO that i see it and i'm taking steps to correct it when my kids do something that isn't, well, perfect. One thing that a lot of stepparents on here get upset about is when skids do something egregious and their spouse acts like their kid is perfect and it's the stepparent who has the problem.
Also, my ex is not a daily concern in my life and my SO has only had to see him at one funeral, one party, and 2 graduations in 7 years. When i talk to my ex about something, i tell my SO about it and show him any texts. Issues with the ex are a common problem on this site. Not gonna lie, when your partner's ex is causing major problems for you, it makes you likely to resent the people who make it necessary to deal with the ex. When they talk about her, it's like nails on a chalkboard.
I also don't expect my SO to love my kids unconditionally like a parent or fund them like a parent.
ETA the steps i've taken were due to me having to deal with the consequences of my SO not taking those steps, and also from joining this site. Coming at it from the bio parent's perspective, i've gotten a lot of training on what not to do from my own experience and that of the people on this site.