Why?
As stepparents, I see a common practice of not putting up with skids nonsense. I am wondering why we are able to do this, when so many...bio parents...are not.
Are Steptalkers expecting better from the skids than they are expecting from their own?
Are Steptalkers bio children seen through rose colored glasses?
Would Steptalkers spouses have the same complaints about us that we have about them?
I am really curious about this dynamic and am very interested in any and all input or observations, please share your views and experiences. Thank you!
For myself, I am able to say "No" because I have done the work and I am able to say "No" to my kids when needed. (Also "No" to family, friends, professional life, etc.) I do find that because I have been able to say "No" that I rarely need to say it. To some degree, we 'teach' people how to treat us. If they are unable to 'learn' the lesson, we have the autonomy to choose our response. For example, we can be polite, but coordial (and move on) when in a social situation, limit our interactions, or disengage completely.
In general, I think people
In general, I think people are biologically coded to be a bit more forgiving and understanding for their own bio children.
I think to an extent, all kids can be seen through rose colored glasses.. I mean we see this a lot on tv.. someone has done something horrific.. and then you have some parent saying "what a good child they were".. yeah.. so why did they do XYZ?
I do also think that we see there are often issues with both parents having an issue with the other parent in blended situations.. where they resent their spouse being "hard" on their "good kids".. basically.. my kid great.. their kid bad.. but it often is vice versa at the same time. because it's tough having the offspring of someone else in your space.
It's the correction without connection thing.. makes the nonbio resented for stepping in.. even when put in that position.
Now.. I would also say that in stepland.. there are extra issues at play.
You may have two peiople with different parenting styles/expectations.. and in steplife.. a kid may have been raised under one set of expectations.. then the stepparent comes in and wants to put on THEIR expectations.. which may be difficult to have accepted... much later in the game.
Because.. yes.. your kids were raised with your expectations.. from cradle on.. so it's not "new" to them.. you step into steplife with kids who missed that foundation and they struggle.. and they struggle especially if the other bio parent (ex).. is set on being disruptive.. or is lazy..
And.. then you may have a spouse that really doesn't have parenting "chops".. often the men who leave the parenting of kids to the "wimin folk".. so when they did take their custody time they may have relied on others.. like their mom/sister (we have seen that here many times.. ) and any time they do spend is "entertaining" the kids.. vs being a real impactful parent.. because many of them don't even really know what that is.. or are guilty for breaking up the marriage.. or that the marriage just didn't work.. or in competition to be the more favored parent with the kids.. so don't want to say no.
And.. finallly in steplife.. parents have even LESS time with their kids generally than in "in tact" families.. where the pressures of two working parents already reduces the time parents have with their kids... which means that a lot of kids are underparented.. because parents just don't want to "fight" with the very little time they get to spend with their kids. I would say that overall that has resulted in a general lack of behavior by more than just stepkids today.
I agree about the different
I agree about the different expectations. It's one thing to blend families when the kids are very young, but when you have school-aged kids or teens, a stepparent isn't going to undo years of parenting. That's one reason i'm not considering cohabitating until all kids are launched. I think that plus the overbearing ex factor would have made it a complete disaster for all involved.
Thank you...
...for your insight. You have summed this up well.
Different generational expectations are in play as well.
IMHO.
Different generations of parents have significantly different base lines regarding parenting and tolerable kid behavior.
Parents these days have a manic panic about anyone correcting their children. Including teachers, school administrators, coaches, etc...
In the day when the school principal and the coach walked the halls during the time between class bells with a paddle on their shoulder and teachers had a paddle hanging off of their desk at the front of the class room there were very clear expectations of what kid behavior was tolerable and what behavior was not tolerable.
Today kids cuss out teachers, teachers are not infrequently attacked by students, students are tolerated to interfere in the learning of other students, and this is not limited only to special needs kids. This is often perpetrated by main stream kids who are ill raised while teachers and administrators are indoctrinated in the gentle behavior model that tolerates the crap and mainstreams special needs kids who beat their classmates, destroy classrooms, assault teachers/teaching assistants/class monitors/bus monitors, etc... Few will effectively deal with any of it. DW's SIL and Sister have been repeatedly asaulted by SN kids over years as Teaching Assistants. Some of their peers and teachers had to go out on convelescent leave due to kid caused injuries due to assault. Both of DW's assaulted family members have this IMHO insane tolerance for the violent little shits. I would call 911, press charges on the spawn, and sue the shit out of the parents and the school if that crap happened on my watch. After I hog tie the violent little shits to wait for the padded van and white coated straight jacket installers to haul them off. All recorded to make sure I was clearly minimizing risk of injury to the violent shit spawn, the other kids, or myself., and most importantly to facitate shutting down any bullshit blaming me and... so I can bare toxic spawn ass in front of their parents and the school in the courts when I sue the shit out of them. Hey, I live kids! I really do. I have no use for ill behaved kids regardless of whose they are.
Rose colored glasses have expanded far beyond just the breeders of the spawn. Sadly.
SParentshood may be the last bastion of clear vision regarding kid behavior that is not overly polluted with rose tint. Of course quality aprents raise quality kids so the need for rose tinted lenses is not not necessary for those parents and those kids.
Both types of parents and both types of kids are obvious when we see them. As are the ones who reach toxic adulthood.
My SO has never had to live
My SO has never had to live with my kids and there have been very few issues. I think this is due to several main reasons (besides the not living together.)
I didn't "dump" care of my kids on my SO, so i feel that he didn't have to put up with a lot of the crap that stepparents on this site deal with. I think a lot of the issues we read about on here as far as problems with skid behavior are from stepparents who are alone with the skids a lot or have to perform functions of a parent like discipline.
I also acknowledge verbally to my SO that i see it and i'm taking steps to correct it when my kids do something that isn't, well, perfect. One thing that a lot of stepparents on here get upset about is when skids do something egregious and their spouse acts like their kid is perfect and it's the stepparent who has the problem.
Also, my ex is not a daily concern in my life and my SO has only had to see him at one funeral, one party, and 2 graduations in 7 years. When i talk to my ex about something, i tell my SO about it and show him any texts. Issues with the ex are a common problem on this site. Not gonna lie, when your partner's ex is causing major problems for you, it makes you likely to resent the people who make it necessary to deal with the ex. When they talk about her, it's like nails on a chalkboard.
I also don't expect my SO to love my kids unconditionally like a parent or fund them like a parent.
ETA the steps i've taken were due to me having to deal with the consequences of my SO not taking those steps, and also from joining this site. Coming at it from the bio parent's perspective, i've gotten a lot of training on what not to do from my own experience and that of the people on this site.
I see it being an issue here
I see it being an issue here overwhelmingly with stepmothers coming to vent vs stepfathers. Sure, you have the occasional "I pay to have them live under my roof and they don't respect me" guys... but you don't have a ton of guys coming her complaining about being forced to "babysit/care" for the kids while their partner goes off to work and doesn't back them up.
I do think that the joining of homes can create friction.. I mean, if we all really think about it.. deep down.. if we were kids.. and we had two parents... would we really want another one or two people horning in and changing how my home was being run? changing rules that I was used to (limits on electronics.. bedtimes.. chores..). It would probably be stressor enough that we already were dealing with having to shuttle back and forth to our parent's homes.. (and while I am not saying that the poor little COD is an excuse to be an AH.. I know it can't be easy to adjust and have to uproot all the time). And.. then we have the loyalty binds our parents would be putting us in.. mom hates dad.. mom wants us to love her more.. makes us feel bad if we come home and say we had a "good weekend".. she wants us to be miserable over there with "them".
And then you have the Stepmother... who is more often than not the one coming into their partner's home.. so they start out as the newcomer/outsider.. and they want it to BE their home.. they start changing things.. because.. it's their house.. and if they want new throw pillows... they should be able to .. but there were already people living there happy how it was.. so the changes can be resented.. and the SM may feel like it's hard to find a space for themselves. it may be "ok" when it's not their SO's parenting time.. but when the kids come.. it reverts to "their" home.. not SM's and that is uncomfortable. Plus.. here you have to deal with these kids "poisoned" by the EX... resenting your space in their home.. and your partner just wants to have happy time with his kids.
Then there is the trap of "I got you a new mommy".. perpetrated by the father.. who was partially looking for replacement mother.. in addition to wife/homemaker.. because a lot of men still really go by the "childcare is woman's work" more old fashioned mind set.. they often are the higher earners.. they do the manual labor in the home.. they see the homeaking role as that of a woman.
And... chock your feet if you thought you got the lottery with a guy who is happy to have you be a SAHM for kids you have with him.. if he already has kids? he will assume those are ALSO your responsibility.. he is bacon bringer.. you are biscuit maker/mom. I know.. I have seen the type.. see themselves with their little family unit.. stanley cup at their kid's soccer game.. having playdates with the neighborhood ladies.. but then there are those pesky/feral SKIDs that come with the mix.. and "those aren't my responsibility".. ahhh but they are.. that is usually what comes with the "SAHM/SM" role that you are sold as so enticing to step off the rat race working.. to be able to stay at home and nurture your own kids. The trap is the BM hates the thought of you being their mom in any way... your spouse will not back you up against his kids.. and will resent any complaint of their behavior.. you will have no authority.. but all the responsibility of caring for them.. IMHO... this is probably one of the worst places women get themselves into.. no means to escape since they aren't working.. or earning money of their own.
I think your situation... living separately while the kids are minors is probably one of the better solutions for many people. The only wrinkle in that is that someone might devote many years to a relationship only to find their partner's kids aren't "launching".. so that could set up for many wasted years if you ultimately do want to live with your SO.
but, barring that.. at a minimum.. the bio parent in the home should be the one parenting their kids... And.. people should be careful to make sure that they are on board with the kids that their partner has.. how they have been raised.. if they are respectful.. watching for how rules and boundaries and expectations for behavior etc.. are set in the home.. I mean.. talk to your SO about things like whether the kids have chores.. how they do academically.. etc... because if you hear things you don't like.. they are not likely to improve.
I agree about the SAHM/SM
I agree about the SAHM/SM role being a trap. With my bios, i really wanted to be a SAHM. Time at home with my bios was so rewarding and never enough. At one time, after a particularly bad work week, i thought about how it may be nice to get married and just be "mom" to both my bios and skids. But then i heard my SO talk about his ex-gf who took on that role. He said he would come home and the youngest was, say, grounded from electronics. He would look at his "sad little face" and undo the punishment and scold his gf for "not having the love" while punishing him. The woman had known the kids maybe 8 months. Of course she didn't have "the love", but was tasked with being the fulltime caregiver for 2 kids with behavior problems. That was it for me. Domestic dream crushed, i went back to work Monday lol.
As far as potentially wasting years, yeah, I get it. Couch-surfing 25-year-old SD is due to give birth any day and SS21, still at home, just announced he wants to take a year off from university. It's a concern. But, i think I'm actually financially better off remaining single. I make less than he does but not by that much, and i spend a LOT less and have fewer dependents. I've been prioritizing friendships more and i'm happy with my new job. If things stay like this for years, i won't feel i've lost out. There are worse things to be than a single woman.
Yes!
I admire the approach you have taken, you are proactive rather than reactive. You have the ability to see things from all angles and make smart decisions.
Thank you for sharing your approach; this approach would benefit many.
What about...
...adult kids? Especially problematic adult kids? We are dealing with mental illness, substance abuse, and other diagnoses. It is not easy for DH, the parent. And it is not easy for me. The things we have gone through because of a sick, jealous, individual are stuff I never could have imagined. (And that makes me feel really stupid!) I think not having any type of bond makes it even harder to accept the nonsense. I wanted to love her, but I simply can't. Her behavior precludes even a modicum of 'like'.
I look at the experiences of my husband and I. They are polar opposites. He has had an easy transition. I have not. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end? So many times I wonder how he spawned a child like this. So many times I wonder where he learned his kindness and compassion for all, as I do not see this in his family of origin.
Steplife is tough, even with adults! Who knew? Certainly not me.
You are exactly right..
You are exactly right.. without the connection with a SKID.. the issues they face as adults...well, it's a lot harder to drum up a whole lot of empathy or sympathy.
I will say that I have 2 adult SD's.. one.. very close relationship and she is someone I would consider a "my kind of people" person.. She is the kind of person who I would be friends with.
Her older sister? She and I have a polite relationship.. and due to the love I have for my DH.. I want her to have a happy life.. but I have a lot less mental bandwidth to give her much slack when she makes dumb a decisions. she is not someone who I would be "friends" with if it were not for my connection with her dad.. we wouldn't be in close circles.
I also know they are both their mother's daughters.. and do have a bit of her in them mentally..and it's tough to watch when that comes out in them.
I guess when you have that bio bond.. you love your kid.. even if he murdered someone.. a step parent doesn't have that connection.. even when you may "love" your Skids.. it's just not the same thing.
Yep - steplife is full of
Yep - steplife is full of landmines. I get it @Trudie, I really do. I have a adult SS who is very whiny, a victim, passive aggressive any chance he gets - I threw in the towel. I don't care anymore. I put way too many years and resources towards this kid and he limps around. His behavior amplified through his wife who has her own set of very dysfuntional family dynamics - they morphed into a very large Kraken together bringing more misery. I literally gave up. Seriously. I went no contact. I don't lift a finger. I am perfectly fine when DH wants to go visit which is scarce and I don't ask (nor do I desire) to know a thing about them. It's to that point.
I make no secret of my Unicorn blended family situation.
Though I have had a prior marriage, I blessedly escaped that marriage without polluting my gene pool with my serially adulterous XW.
My incredible bride of approaching 31 years and I met when our son (My SS-32) was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. We never lived nearer than 1200 miles to SpermLand and the CO was decreed less than a week after we married. Full physical and legal custody was ordered/upheld for my DW, a long distance visitation scheduled for the SpermClan was ordered (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring), CS was upheld and increased from that set during the paternity hearing when SS was 1yo, and little was left uncovered by the CO. So we did not have much of the drama that so many blended family marriages have to navigate. My bride and I partnered and had each others backs while we defended SS's best interests and raised him to viable self supporting adulthood in spite of the toxic sputum projected by the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
Are Steptalkers expecting better from the skids than they are expecting from their own? My Skid is my kid. His mom and I raised him together from 2yo. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. I expect the best of my kid period. I did when I was raising him as a StepDad and I do after we got papers and he wears out family name on his uniform. I am proud to be his dad and I am proud of him. He and his mom honor and improve our family name which was pretty good to begin with.
Are Steptalkers bio children seen through rose colored glasses? Nope, even his mom does not have a chronic case of the rose colored bioparent glasses virus. In many ways she is more demanding of him than I am. The three of us will get a laugh out of the topic that he only survived to 18 because his mom and I never decided to strangle him at the same time. When one of us was ready to wring his neck the other of us was willing to give him just one more day. So, he lived.
Would Steptalkers spouses have the same complaints about us that we have about them? I don't think so. Even if we had decided to have more children, we have always mostly been on the same page regarding parenting, discipline, and raising children. As it turned out, SS is an only in our marriage. The evidence that supports this is how we both had little tolerance for her Sibs kids who were ill behaved crotch nuggets until they got into their late teens. Her own nieces and nephews made her skin crawl when we were anywhere near them. I was the big bad wolf who all the kids and their parents knew would not tolerate behavioral shit. Interestingly, our niece and nephews on my side neither of us had these issues with. They were raised with standards of behavior and structure so behavioral issues were extremely rare, as they were with our kid. Ours and my brother's 3 were raised very closely until they were middle school age. Whether they were at our home, my brother's home, or our parents home, they knew they behaved. Period. Dot.
Since I have no BKs, I cannot speak definitively on whether I would have rose colored glasses regarding my own issue. But, I cannot see myself being notably different as a father to BKs with my bride than I have been as my SS's father. Beyond the differences that every parent has in how they parent a specific kid. It used to drive me nuckin futz how much my 6yrs younger brother got away with that would have gotten me killed by our parents if I had done it. My dad once told me that my brother owes me an eternal debt of gratitude for teaching mom and dad how to be parents. The little shit who is approaching 55yo still has not paid up on that debt.