Hi i am new to this site and i am clueless about what to do with my situation. I am torn between me being unfair as it's none of my business and well i'm apart of this household too so my thoughts and feelings should carry some weight.
Just things i have been telling myself but i am getting nowhere so i was hoping someone may be able to help me a little on this site.
My partner and i have been together for 2 and a half years, in that time his teenage children come to stay with us every second weekend. There were many times his ex would change the days for whatever reason, always to suit her and what she wanted. I have always been a little put out by this as mp (my partner) would gripe to me about it but say nothing to her and just go along with it. However if i wanted to change the days for whatever reason I got a flat NO! This was the same when it came to money issues also. She was calling all the shots and although he did not like it one bit he would go along with it. I noticed that he couldn't say no to her face or over the phone but via text or email he was a much stronger person as he could get out all that he needed to say without interuption or manipulation. So i sugguested that he ONLY communicate with her that way, he agreed.
He was in the mind set that whatever she was asking for (no matter how rudely she put it) cos really she ask's nothing she just tells him how it's going to be, he says he hates it but again i am the only one hearing about it. Anyway his mindset was that whatever it was she wanted she must have a good and fair reason for it, (i guess it was guilt about no longer giving every cent of his pay to her but I dont really know) i then showed him some information about EMA and the govenment payouts for first year high schoolers and other things, as it was getting difficult for us to come up with all the cash needed to help out with books and uniform and such,(again that was all her way too) He then saw her in a different light he realised that she wasnt always playing fair at all, he told me that she is still doing the same things as when they were together, when he was (his words) "nothing more than a d**k with a pay cheque" Once he realised this things started to change but slowly but surely it is all slipping backwards.
I have distanced myself from him and his kids as i feel i am being used by him, i am wanted to be apart of all the goings on when he wants me to be but i dont have a say when she once again makes changes to our already arranged plans and he goes along with it. I am expected to just understand and support and comfort him cos he is upset and pissed off about it.
The last time was about 3 weeks ago, she just appeared at our place with the kids, I was not happy but that didnt matter as usual, it makes no difference wheather it is mp's time to have them and she changes it or if it's not his time and she changes that too, i dont have a say. Then when they have gone and i am still not all happy and affectionate with mp he becomes angry with me, he even said "i didnt think it would take you 3 days to get over it"
Anyway I did manage to move past it as he swore that things word change and the times that were set were set and thats it, i trusted him so all was well again, but here i am again, mp's son had made plans with a friend for the friday night which his mother ok'd so we couldnt collect both of the kids until the saturday morning, which turned into saturday afternoon cos mp had to first pick up his son from the friends (he got a text from the ex with the friends adress no asking to collect the son just the adress so rude) then mp had to take his son back to his mums place to prepare to come and stay with us, then on sunday morning a text comes again from ex to say son must be at a particular place (that was an hour away from us) by 130pm, again no asking just what she wanted. Plans were made for sunday with mp's parents and the kids but all had to change cos of her text. I was not pleased either was anyone else but guess what??? He did it. He knew i was less than impressed so he hugged me apologising, but i dont want an apology i want him to stick to what he says, sorry doesnt mean jack if you say it then still do what you are apologising for anyway, sorry isn't a bandaid or a disappearing cloak. His parents were disappointed but said they would love to come and collect the kids and be the ones to take them wherever she said they had to go that way they got some time with them. Then i was stunned mp called ex (phoned, not text not email like agreed) and ASKED if it was ok if his parents drove the kids home. They spoke for a bit then he ended the call as i walked in by saying "THANK YOU" to her, for what i dont know, but all i heard was how pissed off he is about the situation, grump moan and i am the worst guy if i dont comfort and support him.
After his call to ex he came to me and said "something has to change i know this now and i will be making those changes it's not up to anyone else it is all up to me" he said all the right words however still went along with what she wanted which was cutting his time short with his kids.
I am feeling like i am not really apart of this i am to be the funny happy loving one with him and his kids, i am to be supportive and helpful when required, but any thoughts or feelings i have about any issue to do with his ex or his kids i am to keep to myself.
I guess i am wondering if this is my role as a step mum? Do i say nothing and just go along with whatever is going on? Do i remove myself altogether from the fortnightly visits so whatever changes occur dont affect me, but even then it still will cos i love mp and if he is upset i would like to come up with ideas and solutions so that doesnt happen again or at least try. Or maybe i should just remove myself totaly. Cos his words are all rubbish i am even starting to wonder if he is just trying to be all nicey nice to her so if things dont work out with us he may have a chance of going back there........... the mind comes up with all sorts when it just cant understand what and why things are going on.
Any advice or shared situations would be greatly appreciated.