What is the worst advice you have gotten from a "professional"
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What is the worst advice a therapist or lawyer have given you or significant other?
For me it is that we should all go to therapy together. Yup that'll help everything.
A friend's lawyer told her to be an adult and not take her ex to court when he suddenly stopped paying child support as well as started doing things that are put as not allowed in their custody agreement. We are talking little things we are talking breaking the kids phone that they use to call her because he didn't want to hear them talking to her and not bring the kids back at the right time.
In my situation, my husband
In my situation, my husband was cheating on me. He had always been an excellent father, however. My family really demanded that I lawyer up. My mom went through a long legal court custody battle when i was child. I had a lot of PSA from my parents. I had to see my dad in a visitation room. it sucked and I didnt want that for my kids. My ex didn't even get a lawyer. and in retrospection, I know I should have listened to my gut and not hired one either. I went against everything my lawyer said, pretty much. I think my lawyer just wanted money, money, money. When my ex did visit a lawyer, he tried to tell him to not leave the marital home and all this overly contentious stuff. I think they just wanted to pit us against each other for money money money and more money. In the end, we decided 50/50 no child support. He's not a narcisssitic asshole and we coparent just fine. We do. Parenting was never our problem. His cheating on me was. Admittedly I know this doesn't apply to everyone. Most people benefit greatly from lawyers to represent their interests. we had no debt. We also didn't have any assets to fight over. Our kids six years down the line are happy and healthy and we live down the street from each other. He has a wife and I have a boyfriend. we all get along. I don't poison my kids against their dad and vice versa. Its the exact opposite of the what I went through as a kid. My kids are free to love both of their parents and step parents. I just watched this documentary called Divorce, INC on Netflix and it was very very eye opening!
It was a great show. Found
It was a great show. Found the Scandinavian part extra fascinating. Anyone getting a divorce should really watch that documentary
Personal therapy: You need to
Personal therapy: You need to etch-a-sketch your feelings so you don't take them out on another person. Ummm, well, that would be great except my brain is a lot more complex than an etch-a-sketch! Way easier said than done.
Worst advice from lawyer: Not to pursue joint custody. Okay, realistically, he probably saved us a TON of money. BUT - the skids both PASed out and I think that we could have done more to try to prevent that from happening.
Agree with you on the "Take
Agree with you on the "Take the High Road" comment. Might as well be saying, turn yourself into a doormat and let people walk all over you.
"LET the contempt charges
"LET the contempt charges build UP."
That is ridiculous. I asked my lawyer how many times ex could be in contempt of CO and lawyer said "several" and it's up to the discretion of the judge. Basically the other parent gets to get away with contempt until the judge says it's enough. Then you have to spend thousands of $$$ to get anything changed. Family law is ridiculous.
I believe you.
I believe you.
I would have to say it was to
I would have to say it was to DH when he was leaving BM. No, he couldn't take SD with him even though he was he primary caregiver - "courts always give custody to BM, the best you can hope for is EOWE & 1 day a week."
Our first Atty gave us the
Our first Atty gave us the roll the eyes, sigh, shrug the shoulders and "You are going to have to work with them and the sooner you do the easier this will all be." My response was .... "If they were reasonable and would work with us we wouldn't need you so why don't you do what we hired you to do rather than tell us to work with a shallow and polluted gene pool of toxic idiots?"
We fired her idiot bottom 10%er of the legal profession ass and hired a killer kick ass get it done shark attorney who never once asked us anything but ... what do you want to accomplish with this action? We handed the Sperm Clan their asses for the next 8 years after we hired him even more assertively than we did with the first attorney.
I think the lesson from that whole phase of our blended family adventure is to have confidence in your perspective and focus on the best interests of your Skid and your family and hire people who are competent to deliver what you demand rather than what they feel is the way to go.
I went to this therapist for
I went to this therapist for a few weeks after 1 year of marriage and dh and I had been having the same old conversation too many times about sdthen14. I wanted to give the marriage a break while moving forward in another way. Some of it I've purged from my head cuz there was a lot of hooey. But one in particular still rankles.
This chick kept telling me to use "warmth" on sd. Look, lady, I'm as warm as a basket of muffins fresh out of the oven. Kids love me. Animals love me. SSthen11 loves me. I finally told her "I'm here because I'm OUT of ideas. I've already done/been/tried everything."
She also wanted me to be totally hands off with the girl. I had to explain to her in plain language that I'm not going to sit by while a kid does A, B, or C. I wouldn't stand for it from any random kid off the street and I won't have my status as an adult vacated just because I happen to be stepmother.
She did have one or two good ideas I could put to use but mostly these were in how to change the conversation with dh. The only thing that helped my life directly with the sd was for me to put up strong personal boundaries of my own and not lay down and let that kid walk all over me. Which is more or less what she wanted me to do. Sorry, not gonna.
Some professionals can offer seriously wonderful help but some don't. Our own instincts and insights are invaluable.
"I think the lesson from that whole phase of our blended family adventure is to have confidence in your perspective and focus on the best interests of your Skid and your family and hire people who are competent to deliver what you demand rather than what they feel is the way to go." << love this, Rags.
"It doesn't matter what she
"It doesn't matter what she spends HER child support on"
Another example of the extreme lack of oversight/flaw in the family court system. Paying parent just has to pay so CSEA can get their kickbacks. It doesn't matter if the $ is spent on the kids or not. Pay pay pay
Let Chucky do as he wants and
Let Chucky do as he wants and stop having rules. Lovely lady ... NOT
My 2nd favorite, change PPP & BabyD's lives to accommodate Chucky on his visits. I think the words were "sacrifice the girls".
From my exH and I's marriage
From my exH and I's marriage therapist: exH was addicted to porn and I suspected him of cheating, counselor tells me this: "You need to realize that men see women as breasts and butts." Basically I was just supposed to agree, be understanding suck it up and deal.
From religious counsel: exH was physically and verbally abusive. "You need to make sure the home is clean and the kids are fed and taken care of so he's not stressed when he gets home." Then the bishop tells exH to "go to the temple and think about things." I (the woman) had to work my ass off to create this peaceful clean haven (with toddlers) while exH (the man) was completely off the hook and sent off to think!
From lawyer: Lawyer told me NOT to bring up ex's disability in our custody hearing. Didn't want it to seem like we were discriminating against him.
From Social Worker: When then dd16 was regularly running away I took her cell phone away so she'd have a harder time connecting with the boys that were picking her up. Social worker tells me that I was wrong to try to remove the connection she has with her friends and that ALL teens NEED a cell phone. Again, suck it up mom. You're wrong you have no power in this situation.
Still Learning, I hope you
Still Learning, I hope you don’t mind, but you had me laughing! at your comments. Yes, how sad that in the year 2015, women are still expected to suck it up and take it, while their husbands or SKs are beating on them either literally or physically. Blame the victim mentality is still alive and well.
Agree with others too that even so-called professionals expect SMs to “step back,” but still expect them to cook and clean and do the laundry, pick up the SKs rooms, etc., while they are throwing crap all over YOUR home, all without you saying one word. This is really nothing more than blatant sexism from industries that should DEFINITELY know better. I actually think the best advice any counselor could give to any SM in a controlling BM and weak DH situation is to tell her, “Look, you’re screwed. The kids will never accept you, because clearly the BM won’t allow it. Their loyalties will be to her, and your DH will do nothing about it. He is not going to try to promote you as his wife or partner to them, as he is too chicken of BM, SO, the best thing you as SM can do, is put those SKs aside, let BM and DH deal with them 99.5%, and focus 99.5% on your marriage with DH, and leave it at that.” A pre-emptive disengagement, so to speak. It will save everyone a heck of a lot of time.
Yeah it's sad that women are
Yeah it's sad that women are still being treated like it's 1950 by the courts and legal professionals. It would be nice if counselors did give that kind of advice because it's the truth! I say save thousands in counseling and just read the experiences on this board.
One more awful example:
During a custody hearing the opposing party was trying to paint me as a bad mother because my teen daughter was acting out, depressed and running away. The judge looks at me and proceeds to give me a lecture about how divorce is bad for kids and how divorce causes so many problems for children. I just nodded my head and said, "Yes your Honor." Because we all know that hormones, teen angst, boys waiting by her window, custodial interference from paternal grandparents, her father bashing me, calling me crazy and being physically abusive in front of the kids plus all of the other drama had NOTHING to do with it. It was ALL my fault she was acting out because "I" was getting a divorce. Her father was the one who initiated it and had already found another woman to move on with. Did he get the finger waggle? NO.
Also girls from intact families never run away or act out, they are never depressed or get in trouble with boys. Thanks judge, I really needed your self righteous finger waggle lecture. Gawd, I will be a nun before I ever remarry again. Divorce and family court are horrific.
"Let go and let God". or "You
"Let go and let God".
or
"You must forgive your abusers so that you can move on and heal".
or
"Kill them with kindness".
"Let go and let God" Would
"Let go and let God"
Would that be the God of the Old Testament or the New Testament. If I got to choose I'd say let the God of the old testament handle it because he liked to smite and curse people, commit genocide and perform sacrifices. Can we send floods and the destroying angel to those who have offended us? Yes, let God.
Seeing some of this I realize
Seeing some of this I realize how lucky we were with both our lawyer and the court-ordered psychologist :O
Both are women, and both are great professionals.