what do u do
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what do u do when the BM is making life a living hell, and its only gotten worse in the 2 yrs? what do u do when shes falsely accusing people in yr family of horrible disgusting things? what do u do when she has no intention of stopping and has said she is out to make yr life a living hell? what do u do when she is more concerned w her evil vindictive agenda than the welfare of her kid?
You can't change BM
The only thing you can change is your response to her. Some people just live for drama and it sounds like your BM is one of them. Rise above her and all her BS.
If it's bad enough you might consider telling her that you plan on suing her for slander if that is what she is doing. Then follow through. I had to resort to that situation and the BS stopped. The burden of proof in that case would be her having to prove what she is saying is true.
It's sad that your skid is stuck in the middle. How old is the child? Eventually kids start to see through to the truth. It won't take long either. The only thing you can do there is to be the best stepparent you can. Your DH and BM are ultimately responsible though for that child. Don't take that burden on yourself.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry" - Rita Rudner
ive thought of that
suing her for slander and harassment...aside from the personal attacks shes amde, she has accused me and now my fiancees son (not to her) of abuse...but we dont want him to even know what she said and wouldnt want him to go thru an investigation bc of her lies. their kid is only 2 1/2 and so it will be awhile b4 she understands whats going on.
First thing is to document
First thing is to document everything she is doing. Document dates that she makes accusations and document the dates/times and events when she does things that are blatantly wrong and vindictive. There is something called 'Malicious Mother Syndrome" (google it) and its likely that a judge is going to recognize it when he/she sees it. If you can prove her behavior is negatively impacting the kids, then you might have a bid for custody. Now, you might not want custody, but if your bm thinks that what she is doing might cause her to lose custody, then she might mellow out. I think it would be good to very firmly but politely tell her that from now on, you will be documenting her behavioral outbursts with the intention of getting proof that she is emotionally unstable and that it is hurting the child(ren). If she thinks you're serious, then she might possibly be scared into better behavior. If she doesn't, then call her bluff and do exactly what you say you're going to do. Bottom line: until she has a reason to quit her behavior, she won't. You're goign to have to give her a reason. And escalating what you do to match what she does will do nothing but make you all look just as bad as her. You've got to beat her at the game at a more controlled and legal level.
we have a log
of all her bs since november, as well as saved texts and VMs...FH wasnt allowed to show any of it during mediation. he doesnt want custody but she knows about the log now. i dont know if they will allow FH to show any of this at the next court date. none of it is directed at the child, its all what she is doing to us. of course now she has accused my SS of abuse too so there is a GAL involved, etc. the GAL looked at the log briefly and we told him we had VMs and texts too...u know what he said? u have to deal w it and put up w what shes doing for the sake of yr daughter. seeing her comes first to all the bs u are going thru. not in our eyes, sorry. but anyway we are hoping that once she looks like a fool in court bc she has no evidence of said abuse, she will knock it off. thanks for the advice...i appreciate any help i can get!
I would suggest
I would suggest that for your next court appearance you ask for a non harassment order to be placed against her. The judge may ask why & then you submit to him/her what you have. This MAY stop at least some of it. They never give up permanently but possible it could at least be managable.
corie
thanks corie!
that is a great idea! what exactly would this mean for her? could we limit contact to emergency only and everything else, like schooling or things that need to be discussed between them done in writing? bc she will use any excuse as an emergency, ya know?
But if you can show that her
But if you can show that her pattern of behavior is destructive towards you all, then it does call her character into serious question and her parenting abilities. I hope that you can show the judge the crap she has been up to and that the judge can help put an end to it. I wish I had better advice. Is there anyway you can move away from her? I know that isn't a good answer, but is it even possible?
I....
Eat chocolate in any form, even if it's the taste and consistency of cardboard. I drink lots of wine. And sometimes a narcotic or two are involved.
In other words, I obsess until I look like a cross between an applicant for an ALI commercial and a proactive before pic.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
we cant move
FH wont move away from his family and he shouldnt have to. he tried to give up custody bc all the stuff we have been thru is just too much to deal w. BM even agreed and the judge wouldnt let it. we are not going to court over a custody battle, ya know? and we dont want to put her parenting abilities into question bc we dont want more time w SD. it would be different if she was being detremental to her, but in this case, shes just being vindictive to US. so its tricky. i doubt they would allow all the evidence. the GAL was ordered bc the mediator said she thought BM was being difficult and lying and had different stories and doesnt think its good for SD to not see FH. so i dont know if the GAL will/can have the judge order more time w FH, but if so, we wont exercise it. he doesnt want more than EOW and if BM keeps it up and they dont let him give up custody, he just wont exercise visitation. sad but true. i know if teh SS was MY kid, he would NOT be going thru all this just bc the BM is a lying bitch, so her antics better stop NOW.
keep track
you might decide not to use it but I would keep a journal of everything and then if something happens you have it and do not have to just pull from memory...I do this because I am so afraid that one day she will pull out all stops to ruin my life.
the log
we have kept one for months now...and havent been able to use it in any court matters. the only way we will get to use it is if she keeps it up to the point where will we be showing it as evidence as to why we can no longer see SD. if nothing comes of the next court hearing, believe me, he will.
Ok, I understand now
now I see what you mean from the other post . . that is just terrible!! It is like she is forcing interaction with you guys, to get you/yours in trouble! I hate to say that DH never could figure out how to stop ours, so he felt like he had to move away but most of his family is here.
The log is just what you need. Is there any way you can just consult with a lawyer re. what you can do? The problem with slander is sometimes it is just one person's word against another's as to whether it is true or not. If she is saying there is abuse there is a whole other way they investigate that, I see what you mean about just trying to stay away! I am so sorry honey, no one deserves this!!!
it is so hard
i knew my FH had kids and a psycho ex but i really didnt understand how far she would go to ruin all of our lives. we did one lawyer consult, but that was b4 she alleged abuse the first time and filed the motion to modify. he said we could file some motions to get her attention, but nothing really substantial. maybe we could try again though since the abuse allegations. its just so unfair that shes dragged my SS into it and now he has to be questioned...my FH loves all his kids but we seriously cant keep living w all this and we cant keep having her run to the courts crying abuse. he really feels rite now that seeing SD isnt worth all of this...its that bad. when he and his first wife broke up he got custody of the boys by choice bc he didnt want to be away from them, so that shows how bad BM is. hopefully the next court date when she will look like an idiot bc she has no proof will be enough to make her stop, but then again, it oculd make her more mad too. thanks for the understanding most evil...it really makes me feel better knowing others recognize this is not normal.
I bet she won't like no visitation
Sometimes it seems like ours just wants someone to argue with, and when you don't talk/visit with her she has nowhere to let that out! no other guy is desperate enough to be around her for long since she doesn't have their child, she is untreated bipolar
It may show that yours is more interested in upsetting your family until she figures out she is out that time off she would have gotten, when you keep SD. We are hoping ours will figure that out too.
Is there any way you can
Is there any way you can basically cut communication down to a bare minimum? Have someone else pick up/drop off your ss who is a neutral party. Have all correspondence be written and not verbal. Minimizing contact would have to help in some way, even if only for your sanity.
thank u all for yr suggestions
unfortunately, we have tried alot of this to no avail! we had her mom agreeing to do the exchanges, but crazy wouldnt let it. we had her staying at the end of the drive for awhile, then there was another incident, so now they exchaneg at mcdonalds. FH asked in mediation about 3rd party exchange, she said no and she wont pay to do it thru an agency, and we cant afford it bc it can get costly. as far as communication, we have repeatedly told her no calls or texts, and when she does, he ignores them, but once in awhiel she will pull the "call me its important" text. i mentioned everything in writing thru email that way we have documentation. she prob wont agree. she'll say shes too poor to have internet at her house. when FH started enforcing the no unnecessary contactw her, she put in her motion to modify that he refuses to communicate w her re: SD. maybe when he goes to court he will be allowed to show the judge our log and the judge can help. he wasnt allowed on tues and then the GAL saw it and didnt even care. he said, thats what u have to live w for yr daughter. um, no its not. crazy agreed to him giving up custody and visitation, all she wants is her paycheck. the judge said no for now. which is fine. thats not what we want anyway but we dont know what else to do. just hoping this abuse thing will turn out good for us and she will stop.
I totally disagree with the
I totally disagree with the GAD about having to live with a crazy woman simply because they have a child together. It doesn't give her the right to crash your life. Also, it is my understanding that a bm can't say yes or no to someone else picking his child up. As a parent with joint legal custody, he has the same right as she does to give authority to trusted people to babysit his child and/or pick him up and drop him off. I have a friend who has a huge problem with this. She got so upset when her ex's sister showed up to pick up her daughter that she wouldn't let her take her. Well, a judge intervened and said that yes, she would let her aunt pick her up and that as long as it was a trusted individual, that my friend couldn't do a darn thing about it. She still fumes about it, but she has no choice. As long as you are going to be in court anyway, it won't hurt to ask the judge to say that other people can do drop offs and pick ups to minimize contact between bm and your fh. I really feel bad for you...this sounds like a huge mess.
it is...u have no idea!
the GAL basically admonished my fiancee for wanting to give up custody bc he cant deal w this and we dont have money to take her to court. he has developed stress related disorders now bc of her. the GAL saw the log and said it didnt matter...u had a child w her (not by choice mind u!) and u hav eto deal w her. u have to put yr daughter b4 u having a peaceful life!!! even b4 his son i guess bc no one cares that he has to testify in court now. ugh. awhile ago, rite b4 she alleged abuse on me, my fiancee talked to her mom and she said she would be more than happy to get SD and bring her to us for visitation and take her back home. crazy said no. after the abuse, she called daycare and told them i cant pick her up, completely humiliating me rite in daycare! i actually left w her that day after a long struggle...after that she revoked both of our badges EVEN THOUGH HE HAS JOINT LEGAL & PHYSICAL CUSTODY!!!
now we dont even know whats going to happen next as far as custody and visitation after court.