What are your thought on a phrase DH uses often with his kids?
Our story. I have no kids of my own, he has sd13 and ss10. I came along when they were 7 and 10 and bm ditched them on us shortly after but has just enough involvement with them over the phone to make sure that they are not treating me with any respect or doing anything that I expect of them. (We have it on tape, have witnesses, and have been told by the kids that she regularly reminds them when talking to them that they "better not be doing anything that big fat f*cking b*tch says." So of course, the skids are always trying to piss me off (they will actually seek me out to do something irritating to or in front of me) and it always works and I'm always going to DH with something they have done. Here is my problem, when he is getting onto them he always says this one thing that I think just eggs them on with their behavior. Example: SD glares at me any time he gets onto her or she has to do something she doesn't like whether I had anything to do with it or not. Every single time, he tells her "Stop glaring at her. I'm sick of y'alls sh*t. I'm sick of hearing about it." Here is my problem with this. He is basically telling her that he is sick of me, not her. He should say "I am sick of YOU doing this." and he should not refer to me AT ALL when he says "I'm sick of..." because all he is telling his kids is that theirs and their mom's plan to break he and I up is working. And that is just fuel for those three's psychotic jealous fire. Am I wrong? I have told him this a million times and he says that only I see it that way. But he specifically says he is sick of hearing it and they definitely aren't the ones telling so that means what he is sick of ultimately is, ME! Opinions? Am I wrong, or am I right?
fdh would do this with sd all
fdh would do this with sd all the time. even told me once that i was being immature and he was sick of "everyone acting like little girls". this was in response to me telling sd she was out of line to accuse me of stealing her dad from her, and saying that i "won" and other such bullshit. it really doesn't matter what i do, he's always pissed at ME but never her or his sm, or whoever is actually causing the trouble. if i stick up for myself, i'm a bitch. if i ignore it and never say a word, i'm a bitch. so fuck it. if i'm a bitch no matter what, i will handle it how i want to in the moment.
pretty pathetic really. i have nothing to do with sd being the way she is. my daughter is a reflection of my parenting. i think i've done a pretty good job. but go ahead and put me on the same level as your brat if it makes you feel better. even if i was as immature and stupid is she is, it still would't change the fact that she is that way because she has always been allowed to be that way. *shrug*
Exactly.I know he is sick of
Exactly.I know he is sick of hearing it and I don't blame him for being sick of hearing my bitching about his kids. But I am sick of his kids and I don't think the kids should ever hear that he is sick of hearing me bitch about it. That just tells them to keep it up because they are making their dad sick of me, not sick of them. Am I wrong about that? That is what I want to know.
I agree, and the other
I agree, and the other element (which SO and I got into it HUGE over one time he told me I "did not need to be doing that just then" is that he is putting you on the same level as the kids..... he is parenting YOU as well, nit just them.
I had this same issue with my
I had this same issue with my FDH...it came to an UGLY head last year. I understand where they (your DH, my FDH) are coming from...after being out, working or whatever, coming home, everyday to us saying "The Skids did A, B, C, D & E!" can get tiresome.
I told my FDH that if he didn't want daily craptastic behavior reports that I would need full permission to do as I please as far as discipline goes & he was to ask no questions about how/why I chose the way that I did once he returns home. No reports, no issues, everyone should be happy, right? Nope...he'd get home while punishment was in progress & he'd start quizzing ME.
He decided I had SS writing too many sentences (50!), He decided SD going to bed early was unacceptable, blah, blah, blah.
Obviously, that tactic didn't work, the blow out happened & at the end of the day, these men have children that WE care for full time. If THEIR children are asses, their PARENT should be made aware & the PARENT can decide how they wish to deal with it. We, as the middlemen/messengers should NOT get shot for simply passing information on.
UGH...it's not an easy position to be in...I'm sorry. You are not wrong.
You sound like you are
You sound like you are writing based on my life here. Except one little thing, I didn't want anything to do with discipline at first. DH swore that if I didn't start disciplining them, they would never respect me and would run all over me. So, I started being a disciplinarian and same thing, he didn't like my disciplines. He thinks they should be told do this, don't do that, and if they misbehave too many times they need to be spanked. My skids seem to enjoy getting to the spanking point and showing him how tough they are and I am someone who thinks spanking should be an absolute last resort. I did corners, sentences (my DH though 20 was too many and that I shouldn't expect him to do them correctly when he was copying the sentence I wrote at the top of the paper), he thought I was setting them up for failure when I created a behavior board which consisted of simple everyday rules written on the board I.E. "No lying", "Clothes are never to be on the floor", and such. If they broke one of those rules they got a check mark. If they had to be told to do something or stop doing something more than twice (twice being benefit of doubt in case they didn't hear or understand the first time) they got a check mark. Three checks put them on yellow light, three more put them on red light and they were grounded until Sunday at 6pm. For a 12 and 9 year old, that should have been easy. But, my DH and I had a huge ordeal this past weekend where he told me he thinks he messed up by assigning me the responsibility of discipline because he thinks that is when the kids started having it out for me. And he specifically told me, "Do not discipline them anymore except sending them to their rooms when I am not here. Let me discipline. I told him that always comes back to bite me in the ass, and looky looky. We are only on day 3 and he is sick of hearing all that they do from me. I'm in a lose-lose situation.
Sounds like since he has tied
Sounds like since he has tied your hands he shouldn't expect those hands to help him or the kids in any way. Do nothing, say nothing. Tell him to make other arrangements for the kids since it seems you can't do anything right.
I'm sorry but I'd say you're
I'm sorry but I'd say you're right. Instead of saying "Stop glaring at her. I'm sick of y'alls sh*t. I'm sick of hearing about it." I would probably prefer that he says things along the lines of...
"Stop glaring at her-she does not deserve to be disrespected by YOU!"
"Stop with the dirty looks - I'm tired of your crap (or shit or whatever)!"
"What has C-mom or I done to deserve to be treated like crap? While you are in OUR home, you may not LOVE US but you will damn sure respect us!"
Eh...but that's just me. My FDH pulled the "I'm tired of hearing this crap!" one too many times & I was tired of feeling like I was wrong for having brought HIS kids behavior to his attention. He saw my point (FINALLY) & has, for the most part, rectified his ways.
He makes sure to "sing" my praises...telling the SKids (9 & 10) that I can STOP doing so much for them if they are going to behave like jerks, that I CHOSE to be here, caring for them because I love them but that I can easily stop if they are going to be disrespectful to me. I think he's dreading the day that they don't shape up & I disengage.
Custodial SKids...so FUN!
You aren't alone C-Mom...(((hugs)))
Thank you.
Thank you.
You need to go into a major
You need to go into a major "disengagement" route.
Who gaves if stepbitch stares at you? Laugh at her and go on your way.
Quit doing anything for anyone who is a brat. They are no longer 4 and 5. Don't abuse them of course, but why care what cretins think?
^^I agree with this 100%
^^I agree with this 100%
BM is an idiot... as a matter
BM is an idiot... as a matter of fact, when DH and I are talking if he has to refer to her, he refers to her as idiot. Truth be told, she has fried her brain and didn't have much to work with before she began doing drugs as a teenager. SS failed 2nd grade because she didn't understand his homework so just told him not to do it.